(Bad) FF: Very Tragical Mirth
Title: Very Tragical Mirth: A Tedious Brief Scene of Young Draco And His Love Myrtle
Author: Quaggy
Series: Harry Potter
Rating: PG-13
Category: Farce / Badfic
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters or the books they are from.
Notes: These fics are proof that seri_scribble and I can create chaos if left alone for too long. Something any good Keytus Kid already is well aware of. ;-) I won't get into HOW this fic exchange came to be, but just know that late one night (why do these things always happen late at night?) we agreed that we would have a bad fic exchange, of the Harry Potter variety, with both of us writing the most disturbing fic we could. And in keeping with the spirit of TRUE bad fic, we decided to post them unbeta'd. (And that loud noise you just heard was Caz screaming in horror.) You can find Seri's fic "Promise Not To Laugh" over here!
For those of you who love Shakespeare... I'm sorry. You might want to close your eyes for this! ;-) Fans of A Midsummer Night's Dream might recognize the title.
This is for Seri, my darling Keytus daughter. I do love being your partner in crime!
Very Tragical Mirth
A Tedious Brief Scene of Young Draco And His Love Myrtle
Two school houses, both alike in dignity,
In fair Hogwarts, where we lay our scene,
From ancient grudge break to new mutiny,
Where wizard blood makes wizard hands unclean.
From forth the fatal loins of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers take their life. (Sorta.)
[Scene 1: Snape’s Dungeon. Snape is working away on some potion when Crabb and Goyle enter timidly.]
Goyle: Ummm… Sir?
Snape: What is it, Goyle? Well, what is it about?
Goyle: It’s… it’s Malfoy, sir. He’s not been himself lately.
Crabb: I really think he’s taken one too many bludgers to the head!
Snape: You interrupt my important work to tell me that Malfoy is not feeling well? You’re lucky I don’t give you all detention!
Crabb: But, sir, you don’t understand!
Goyle: He’s stopped bragging and boasting.
Crabb: He’s saying “please” and “thank you.”
Goyle: He hasn’t called any muggle-born “Mudbloods” in ages.
Crabb: When Potter passes by, he doesn’t even try to hex him!
Goyle: And he smells of old socks!!
Crabb: Well, actually, I think he smelled like old socks before all this started.
Goyle: Yes, but I still thought it worth mentioning.
Snape: As enlightening as this is gentlemen, this is of interest to me because…?
[Crabb and Goyle look at each other dumfounded.]
Crabb: We… we thought you would like to know, sir. We thought we should warn you.
Goyle: Because he’s coming this way, sir!
Snape: Gentlemen, you concern is appreciated but unnecessary.
Crabb: Then, sir, may we please go?
Goyle: Yeah, bad enough we have to live with the guy!
[Snape waves them off. Goyle and Crabb exit. Draco enters.]
Draco: Soft and fair friar, I must entreat your assistance!
Snape: What nonsense are you spouting, Malfoy?
Draco: Good professor, I turn to you in my darkest hour in hopes that you might assist me.
Snape: Good God! Crabb and Goyle were right!
Draco: Do not dismiss me so cavalierly! I am enamored with an angel, but fate has thrown every obstacle in our path to happiness!
Snape: You’re in love. Of course. I should have know. Let me guess. She is from Gryffindor.
Draco: Nay, good sir, she is of Ravenclaw!
Snape: Well, I suppose that is something. Unless… Don’t tell me you are in love with Luna Lovegood!!
Draco: Nay, she is the moon in the face of my love who is the sun. My own Myrtle!
Snape: Myrtle… Myrtle… There’s no Myrtle in… Oh GOD! Oh heaven help me! YOU ARE IN LOVE WITH MOANING MYRTLE!!!!
Draco: Do not call her by that foul title in my presence. I thought to confide in you, but now I see that you are as blind as the rest. There is none that can help me! I am surely doomed. If I cannot live with my love, I will perish! [Draco exists]
Snape: But she’s already dead, you fool!
[Scene 2: Myrtle’s Bathroom. A few months later. McGonagall, Flitwick and Filch are all staring up in horror when Dumbledore and Snape enters.]
McGonagall: Thank Goodness you’re here! We honestly don’t know what to do!
Dumbledore: What seems to be the problem? Professor Snape said it would be better to show me than try to explain.
Flich: It’s Moaning Myrtle, sir. She has taken the death of young Malfoy very hard. She’s been trying to do away with herself. Unsuccessfully, as you might imagine.
Flitwick: Now, Myrtle dear, please don’t- [a grand splash and everyone flinches.]
Filch: I don’t understand how a bathroom ghost ever thought she could drown herself.
Snape: Well, poisoning, hanging and shooting herself all didn’t work, so I suppose she was trying to exhaust all other options. You must give her credit for tenacity.
Dumbledore: Well this is easily solved. [Addressing Myrtle] I sympathize with what you are trying to do, but, my dear, I assure you it will not work.
Myrtle: Why not?
Filch: [aside] Because yer already dead, you twit!
Dumbledore: Because your grief is for nothing! [shouting] Draco! You can come out now!
[The ghost of Draco Malfoy enters through a wall.]
McGonagall: Good heavens! He’s a ghost!
Myrtle: MY LOVE!!! But how is it that I can now embrace you?
Draco: My heart, I know nothing only that I do love you.
Snape: Oh, kill me now.
Dumbledore: The answer is very simple. Since Draco was so determined to be with Myrtle when he took his own life, he became a ghost after he died without realizing what he was doing. Effectively removing all obstacles to their being together, I might add!
Draco: That is all?
Myrtle: The rest is silence?
Dumbledore: Why do you both look so upset? You can be together forever and, as ghosts, I’m sure that you will find that forever lasts a very long time. You should be happy!
Myrtle: We are, sir, but…
Draco: But we were supposed to die for love!!
Dumbledore: It is very difficult for those who have already died to die again. I think you will just have to get used to the idea of Happily Ever After.
For never was a story of less woe
Than this of Myrtle and her Draco.