All this and heaven too
I wasn't intending this to be my 500th post on LJ, but I guess this is good enough. ^_^
A brief rundown of stuff that's happened since I last wrote something here:
The big reason I've been so remiss in updating this journal over the past few months (outside of spending too much time on Tumblr) is because other than the things I've already mentioned, very little else has been going on in my life. I know I've mentioned this before, but I've fallen into a huge rut lately, and I'm finding that it's really hard to get out of it.
The therapist I've been seeing recently is really awesome, and even though I haven't been with him for a long time we've been getting along great and I feel comfortable talking to him. I've already had a couple of big breakthroughs with him, namely the fact that to a certain extent, I've been using my depression as a crutch, or an excuse not to do certain things I need to do.
By no means does this mean my depression is "fake" or that I'm just being lazy -- far from it, in fact. Depression is not some minor thing one can simply "get over"; believe me, if all it took for me to stop being depressed was to "get over it" and "go outside and do something," I would've done that a long time ago. If fighting depression was as easy as thinking happy thoughts and smiling more often, I wouldn't be in this rut I'm in now. Basically, all the stuff I've posted on Tumblr about depression is true, and I know because I'm living it right now.
But the really nasty thing about getting into a rut is this: The longer you're in one, the more comfortable you get in it. After a while, you start getting used to being stuck, which makes it all the harder to get unstuck as time goes on. Most days, I don't really do much: I sleep, eat, and spend the vast majority of my time awake online. I'm not looking for a job, staying in touch with people, taking walks outside, reading books, writing, watching movies or TV shows, doing chores, or anything else that might be productive or worthwhile doing. I have zero motivation to do anything these days, and it's really getting to be a problem.
What's an even bigger problem, though, is that there's nothing else that's pushing me to move forward, no real disincentive not to stay put where I am right now. I'll admit it: The life I'm living right now is very comfortable and satisfying. It's really boring, yes, and it's not satisfying in a way that's meaningful, but there's nothing wrong with it, per se. Home life isn't ideal, either, but I'm not much of a burden on my family, and in return my family generally leaves me alone. I don't have any major responsibilities, and I don't have to worry about anything big either. In a lot of ways, it's comfortable, and sometimes even relaxing.
Which is exactly the problem, in a nutshell. On a conscious level, I know I need to get my act together, but whenever I'm called to do something or told to be more responsible about something -- like driving, doing what little chores I'm asked to do, taking care of my psoriasis, etc. -- I suddenly react badly to it, like I want everyone to just get off my back and leave me alone. Because even though there's a part of me that realizes the status quo (where everyone does just leave me alone most of the time) isn't working, another part of me is gonna have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of it. And then I'm not sure if I have the energy or motivation to do that, and then I start beating myself up over it. See how this works? On one hand, this depression isn't my fault and isn't something I can just "snap out of," but on the other hand, it's enabling a lot of unhealthy behavior that's only making it worse.
So that's what I'm dealing with right now. If I've been hard to contact recently, and if I'm still hard to get in touch with for a while yet, this is why. Hopefully I can start getting some concrete advice on how to deal with this issue and not have it be such a stumbling block, but for now, even though knowing this is painful, it also lifts a huge weight off my shoulders in that now I have some idea about what's going on with me and how to make myself get better.
Sorry for not updating this more often than I should. Hope everyone else is doing well. ;-)
Originally posted at http://quadruplify.dreamwidth.org/125482.html || Comments on original post:
A brief rundown of stuff that's happened since I last wrote something here:
- The freak late October snowstorm that dumped a huge amount of snow in Connecticut and put at least 60% of the state without power. Thankfully we didn't lose power or cable this time, but the big Norway maple tree in our backyard split right down the middle because of all the weight of the snow and the leaves still on the branches. It didn't cause any damage, and we haven't done anything with it yet, but it's a total goner. ;_; The worst it did around here was ruin Halloween, but I know that Hartford got hit with 20.5"/52 cm of snow, and in some places people had no power for two weeks. Fortunately all the snow's melted off, and it doesn't look like we'll be getting anything major for a while yet. But still, what a mess. :P
- I'm not sure if I've mentioned this yet, but for the past couple of months Climatology Nerd has been working as a Spanish teacher at a school for special needs boys in New Hampshire, and it's been really stressful for him. The worst part about it is having to deal with problem students when they get out of control (e.g. throwing knives, shoving kids into cupboards, kicking teachers, etc.), on top of having a full-time schedule and having to work some weekends supervising activities. He's handling it pretty well, though, and he's taking good care of himself (it helps that the job comes with a lot of perks), but it's definitely not easy for him, and sometimes I can't help but worry about how he's doing.
- I couldn't go to the Quidditch World Cup in NYC after all. D: A whole bunch of things came up that week that I don't want to get into, so I had to content myself with watching Twitter feeds and having an active imagination. XD I'm glad to hear mcollinknight and dragoness22 had a great time, and I'm happy to report that my alma mater Middlebury won its fifth championship in a row! (I promise: Next year, I'm definitely going. And as much as I hate to say this, I hope someone else wins too. ^_^;)
- I got a postcard from dreams_of_all recently, who's currently studying abroad in Tanzania. SO JEALOUS. But also great to hear back from her!
- Last Sunday we went out as a family to Madison, because it was close by and we wanted to see what kinds of things were there to do. We had breakfast at Savvy Tea, which was totally worth it and probably one of the best places I've been to in a while. Great tea selection, awesome french toast, really friendly staff, lots of events, great atmosphere -- you really couldn't ask for anything better. Then we went to R.J. Julia, one of the few indie bookstores in the area; it was a bit on the small side, but I liked it there, and me being me I ended up buying even more books (Ian McEwan's Solar, an anthology of modern Middle Eastern writing called Tablet & Pen edited by Reza Aslan, Seneca's Phaedra and Other Plays, and Leslie Marmon Silko's Ceremony). We didn't find too much else there (partly because we didn't plan this out all that much), but I definitely had a good time.
- I decided not to do NaNoWriMo after all. Even though I really want to do it eventually, believe me when I say it's for the best.
- One of my "original" posts on Tumblr has gotten over 7100 notes. How this happened, I don't know. O__________O;
- The Prozac hasn't been working after all, so I'm gonna go off it and then not take any meds for a couple of weeks, just to see what happens before I have to see my psychiatrist again in a month and decide where to go from there. So that should be interesting. ._.,
- My cousin will be coming over next Tuesday, and will be staying for Thanksgiving through most of the week. She plans on helping us cook Thanksgiving dinner, so that should also be interesting. ^_^;
The big reason I've been so remiss in updating this journal over the past few months (outside of spending too much time on Tumblr) is because other than the things I've already mentioned, very little else has been going on in my life. I know I've mentioned this before, but I've fallen into a huge rut lately, and I'm finding that it's really hard to get out of it.
The therapist I've been seeing recently is really awesome, and even though I haven't been with him for a long time we've been getting along great and I feel comfortable talking to him. I've already had a couple of big breakthroughs with him, namely the fact that to a certain extent, I've been using my depression as a crutch, or an excuse not to do certain things I need to do.
By no means does this mean my depression is "fake" or that I'm just being lazy -- far from it, in fact. Depression is not some minor thing one can simply "get over"; believe me, if all it took for me to stop being depressed was to "get over it" and "go outside and do something," I would've done that a long time ago. If fighting depression was as easy as thinking happy thoughts and smiling more often, I wouldn't be in this rut I'm in now. Basically, all the stuff I've posted on Tumblr about depression is true, and I know because I'm living it right now.
But the really nasty thing about getting into a rut is this: The longer you're in one, the more comfortable you get in it. After a while, you start getting used to being stuck, which makes it all the harder to get unstuck as time goes on. Most days, I don't really do much: I sleep, eat, and spend the vast majority of my time awake online. I'm not looking for a job, staying in touch with people, taking walks outside, reading books, writing, watching movies or TV shows, doing chores, or anything else that might be productive or worthwhile doing. I have zero motivation to do anything these days, and it's really getting to be a problem.
What's an even bigger problem, though, is that there's nothing else that's pushing me to move forward, no real disincentive not to stay put where I am right now. I'll admit it: The life I'm living right now is very comfortable and satisfying. It's really boring, yes, and it's not satisfying in a way that's meaningful, but there's nothing wrong with it, per se. Home life isn't ideal, either, but I'm not much of a burden on my family, and in return my family generally leaves me alone. I don't have any major responsibilities, and I don't have to worry about anything big either. In a lot of ways, it's comfortable, and sometimes even relaxing.
Which is exactly the problem, in a nutshell. On a conscious level, I know I need to get my act together, but whenever I'm called to do something or told to be more responsible about something -- like driving, doing what little chores I'm asked to do, taking care of my psoriasis, etc. -- I suddenly react badly to it, like I want everyone to just get off my back and leave me alone. Because even though there's a part of me that realizes the status quo (where everyone does just leave me alone most of the time) isn't working, another part of me is gonna have to be dragged kicking and screaming out of it. And then I'm not sure if I have the energy or motivation to do that, and then I start beating myself up over it. See how this works? On one hand, this depression isn't my fault and isn't something I can just "snap out of," but on the other hand, it's enabling a lot of unhealthy behavior that's only making it worse.
So that's what I'm dealing with right now. If I've been hard to contact recently, and if I'm still hard to get in touch with for a while yet, this is why. Hopefully I can start getting some concrete advice on how to deal with this issue and not have it be such a stumbling block, but for now, even though knowing this is painful, it also lifts a huge weight off my shoulders in that now I have some idea about what's going on with me and how to make myself get better.
Sorry for not updating this more often than I should. Hope everyone else is doing well. ;-)
Originally posted at http://quadruplify.dreamwidth.org/125482.html || Comments on original post: