"We're gonna be cool happy genius heroes"
I've just realized it's New Year's Eve, and I still haven't mentioned anything about how my Christmas went like everyone else. Oops. O_o; There really isn't much to say about it; Christmas Eve was spent at my aunt and uncle's place, where I spent a good four hours utterly bored while the adults blathered on about this and that, and on Christmas Day we really didn't do much at all, just invited my other grandmother over for dinner. Not much I can really say about my presents, either: money, new sneakers (which I desperately need), new shirts, a duffel bag, a tea mug and box of tea bags, some CDs (Mogwai, Fever Ray, and R.E.M.), some poetry books (haiku and Billy Collins), lots of candy (!), and a few other odds and ends. Overall it was quiet and boring, like I expected -- not that I minded of course, because I needed it, and when it comes to presents I really don't care about what I get because, as I'm sure I've said countless times, I have everything I could possibly want or need right now.
This past week has been a haze; I worked at my mom's workplace for a couple of days to make just enough money to get by for a couple of months, started reading Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake (which I love so far!), watched Tokyo Godfathers (probably Satoshi Kon's weakest film, but still a great holiday movie to watch every couple of years if you're in the mood for something intelligent and not sappy and clichéd), watching YouTube videos of Sandra Lee being a hilariously horrible cook thanks to this, spending as much time on
and Tumblr as feasible, and generally staying up and sleeping in way too late for my liking. Most of the past three weeks have been spent on the Internet, F5-ing things every few seconds -- I really haven't had the energy, motivation, and/or "spoons" to do anything else. And I'll be headed back to college for J-term on Sunday. This I'm not too worried about -- despite having class and various other events going on, I'll still have a lot more free time than during regular semesters, so I can still plan on doing what I wanted to do during the past three weeks. I just wish I wasn't so tired and numb the whole time I've been back home. >_>
Because it's New Year's, I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting on the past year, and what I'd like to see happen in 2011. Here's that year-in-review meme I've been seeing going around the f-list for a while now:
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Potentially contributing to some positive change in Vermont, worked for money, learning tai chi, starting to actually enjoy hot beverages. ^_^;
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I honestly don't remember if I had any resolutions; in any case, I don't think I'll be making any true resolutions, but I do want to try to set some goals for myself.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, since I didn't leave the U.S.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A steady job, and a lot more self-confidence.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
None, though that's because all the life-changing things that happened this year were, while important, small and subtle -- little things that aren't exactly tied to specific dates.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The work I helped do in our ES seminar.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting a job, failing my driving test, and not being as open, passionate, and proactive as I'd like to be.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
All the books I bought, even the ones I haven't read yet. ^_^;
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Climatology Nerd, Awesome Republican, my professors, the young woman from the Queer Studies House who genuinely seems to love everyone and not fake it, K., the people I interviewed for my GIS projects, a good portion of my LJ friends.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Pretty much everyone else, including my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Books, music, food, donations, and the rare impulse buy. XD
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Awesome lectures at college, getting into new fandoms, tea, and tai chi.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
The entirety of The National's High Violet. Obvious choice is obvious, I know. :P
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? About the same, though slightly more equipped to deal with the sadness.
ii. thinner or fatter? The same.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading, writing, watching movies and shows, studying, learning in general.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
F5-ing everything every few seconds. -_-;
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
See above.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No.
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
That aired in the past year? Probably Sherlock and the new Mythbusters episodes -- I doubt I will ever be a big TV connoisseur. (Shows that didn't air in 2010, on the other hand......8D)
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
There's probably a couple at most, but no one I can think of right now.
26. What was the best book you read?
Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tindersticks, The xx, Gazelle, and Mumford & Sons.
28. What did you want and get?
More money! :3
29. What did you want and not get?
A job on campus, a driver's license, a sense of purpose.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
That was made this year: Probably Four Lions. That wasn't made this year: I'd go with Code 46.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
This is what I did for my 21st.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Money, and the ability not to be socially awkward all the time. (OK, so that's two things. IT'S A TIE OKAY :PPP)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Put on a shirt and some jeans and I'm good to go. C:
34. What kept you sane?
A certain cartoon from 2005-2008 meant for 8- to 12-year-olds. :F
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None, because I don't really "fancy" celebrities in general, and most certainly not in that way....
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Anything related to racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, classism, etc.
37. Who did you miss?
K., even though we still talk on the phone on occasion.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Pretty much everyone who I friended on LJ in 2010. ^_^;
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Never be ashamed of who you are or what you like. (Sounds cheesy, but it took me this long to actually realize this. >_>;)
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
......I don't think I can think of one, honestly.
I've been meaning to talk more about two conversations I've had during the past semester that I've been reflecting on in particular -- one from the interview I had for my first GIS project that led me to having the existential crisis I briefly touched upon here, and the other that hit some nerves regarding drinking, partying, and relationships -- but I'm at the point now where I can't focus on writing anything more than a few sentences at a time, and it would simply take too long, so it'll have to wait yet again. What I will say, though, is although I'm not making any New Year's resolutions, I do have one big thing, one overarching theme I'd like to keep in the back of my mind for 2011, and that is: I need to push harder. Push myself harder to write, push harder to get myself off the Internet for enough time so that I can write, push harder to get myself off the Internet for enough time so that I can read and watch what I've been meaning to read and watch so that I can have more inspirations for my writing, push harder to take care of myself better, push harder to network and make connections and look for jobs, push harder to seek actual help for my mental health, push harder to get my driver's license, push harder to take on more responsibilities when I'm at home, push harder to learn more, push harder to keep up with the languages I was learning for a while (Italian and Japanese), push harder to seek out new experiences and people whenever possible and comfortable. In short, I need to be more proactive in what I want to do and always have wanted to do -- I need to go ahead and just do it. (Though if it turns out I do have depression or something like that -- and at this point I strongly suspect that I do -- then that needs to be taken care of, because that could affect one's ability to be proactive in anything. The point I'm making still stands, though.) So that, I'm hoping, is what 2011 will be about.
Because 2011 is going to be the year where a lot of things are going to change for me -- it'll be the year I graduate from college and (hopefully) start having a job on a regular basis and start to become independent in ways I'm not already. And it's all very scary, but I have no choice but to deal with it all, and I need to deal with it sooner rather than later because I don't know how much longer I can afford being stuck in a rut like this, and I'm starting to see how things can and should get better and I'd like to go ahead and try to make them better. So it's going to be a weird year, but I'll try to handle whatever happens in it the best I can, and I hope that this time next year, I'll be someone I can start to be proud of.
I didn't want to end 2010 and start the new year feeling like this, but I suppose it's all for the best. Dostoevsky Fan called me about two hours ago asking me if I wanted to hang out; apparently he's been out drinking with some high school friends who I haven't spoken with in three years and who I actually am curious about and wanting to meet again, but because it was completely out of the blue, I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm very averse to people who are seriously sloshed, I said no. (This was after he drunk-texted me New Year's greetings in Russian about a million times.) I feel bad, because I'd like to have more social interaction in 2011 as well (even though I'd like to find a balance between "meet with people and make new friends!" and "put yourself in uncomfortable situations just because you don't want to be alone"), but it was still what had to be done.
Speaking of which, I'd like to thank my whole f-list for being your usual amazing and awesome and kick-ass selves, and I'm sorry for not talking with you guys or otherwise being all that approachable as much as I wanted to this past year. I'll definitely try harder to make myself more available to you this year; I'd really like for us to get to know each other better. ;-)
All right, that's enough rambling for one entry. Good night, and Happy New Year everyone! May you all have a great 2011. :D
Originally posted at http://quadruplify.dreamwidth.org/111772.html || Comments on original post:
This past week has been a haze; I worked at my mom's workplace for a couple of days to make just enough money to get by for a couple of months, started reading Margaret Atwood's Oryx and Crake (which I love so far!), watched Tokyo Godfathers (probably Satoshi Kon's weakest film, but still a great holiday movie to watch every couple of years if you're in the mood for something intelligent and not sappy and clichéd), watching YouTube videos of Sandra Lee being a hilariously horrible cook thanks to this, spending as much time on
and Tumblr as feasible, and generally staying up and sleeping in way too late for my liking. Most of the past three weeks have been spent on the Internet, F5-ing things every few seconds -- I really haven't had the energy, motivation, and/or "spoons" to do anything else. And I'll be headed back to college for J-term on Sunday. This I'm not too worried about -- despite having class and various other events going on, I'll still have a lot more free time than during regular semesters, so I can still plan on doing what I wanted to do during the past three weeks. I just wish I wasn't so tired and numb the whole time I've been back home. >_>
Because it's New Year's, I've been doing quite a bit of reflecting on the past year, and what I'd like to see happen in 2011. Here's that year-in-review meme I've been seeing going around the f-list for a while now:
1. What did you do in 2010 that you'd never done before?
Potentially contributing to some positive change in Vermont, worked for money, learning tai chi, starting to actually enjoy hot beverages. ^_^;
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I honestly don't remember if I had any resolutions; in any case, I don't think I'll be making any true resolutions, but I do want to try to set some goals for myself.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
No.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, since I didn't leave the U.S.
6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
A steady job, and a lot more self-confidence.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
None, though that's because all the life-changing things that happened this year were, while important, small and subtle -- little things that aren't exactly tied to specific dates.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
The work I helped do in our ES seminar.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Not getting a job, failing my driving test, and not being as open, passionate, and proactive as I'd like to be.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
No, thankfully!
11. What was the best thing you bought?
All the books I bought, even the ones I haven't read yet. ^_^;
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Climatology Nerd, Awesome Republican, my professors, the young woman from the Queer Studies House who genuinely seems to love everyone and not fake it, K., the people I interviewed for my GIS projects, a good portion of my LJ friends.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Pretty much everyone else, including my own.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Books, music, food, donations, and the rare impulse buy. XD
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Awesome lectures at college, getting into new fandoms, tea, and tai chi.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
The entirety of The National's High Violet. Obvious choice is obvious, I know. :P
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? About the same, though slightly more equipped to deal with the sadness.
ii. thinner or fatter? The same.
iii. richer or poorer? Poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Reading, writing, watching movies and shows, studying, learning in general.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
F5-ing everything every few seconds. -_-;
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
See above.
22. Did you fall in love in 2010?
No.
23. How many one-night stands?
None.
24. What was your favorite TV program?
That aired in the past year? Probably Sherlock and the new Mythbusters episodes -- I doubt I will ever be a big TV connoisseur. (Shows that didn't air in 2010, on the other hand......8D)
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
There's probably a couple at most, but no one I can think of right now.
26. What was the best book you read?
Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Tindersticks, The xx, Gazelle, and Mumford & Sons.
28. What did you want and get?
More money! :3
29. What did you want and not get?
A job on campus, a driver's license, a sense of purpose.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
That was made this year: Probably Four Lions. That wasn't made this year: I'd go with Code 46.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
This is what I did for my 21st.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Money, and the ability not to be socially awkward all the time. (OK, so that's two things. IT'S A TIE OKAY :PPP)
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Put on a shirt and some jeans and I'm good to go. C:
34. What kept you sane?
A certain cartoon from 2005-2008 meant for 8- to 12-year-olds. :F
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
None, because I don't really "fancy" celebrities in general, and most certainly not in that way....
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Anything related to racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia, ableism, classism, etc.
37. Who did you miss?
K., even though we still talk on the phone on occasion.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Pretty much everyone who I friended on LJ in 2010. ^_^;
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010.
Never be ashamed of who you are or what you like. (Sounds cheesy, but it took me this long to actually realize this. >_>;)
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
......I don't think I can think of one, honestly.
I've been meaning to talk more about two conversations I've had during the past semester that I've been reflecting on in particular -- one from the interview I had for my first GIS project that led me to having the existential crisis I briefly touched upon here, and the other that hit some nerves regarding drinking, partying, and relationships -- but I'm at the point now where I can't focus on writing anything more than a few sentences at a time, and it would simply take too long, so it'll have to wait yet again. What I will say, though, is although I'm not making any New Year's resolutions, I do have one big thing, one overarching theme I'd like to keep in the back of my mind for 2011, and that is: I need to push harder. Push myself harder to write, push harder to get myself off the Internet for enough time so that I can write, push harder to get myself off the Internet for enough time so that I can read and watch what I've been meaning to read and watch so that I can have more inspirations for my writing, push harder to take care of myself better, push harder to network and make connections and look for jobs, push harder to seek actual help for my mental health, push harder to get my driver's license, push harder to take on more responsibilities when I'm at home, push harder to learn more, push harder to keep up with the languages I was learning for a while (Italian and Japanese), push harder to seek out new experiences and people whenever possible and comfortable. In short, I need to be more proactive in what I want to do and always have wanted to do -- I need to go ahead and just do it. (Though if it turns out I do have depression or something like that -- and at this point I strongly suspect that I do -- then that needs to be taken care of, because that could affect one's ability to be proactive in anything. The point I'm making still stands, though.) So that, I'm hoping, is what 2011 will be about.
Because 2011 is going to be the year where a lot of things are going to change for me -- it'll be the year I graduate from college and (hopefully) start having a job on a regular basis and start to become independent in ways I'm not already. And it's all very scary, but I have no choice but to deal with it all, and I need to deal with it sooner rather than later because I don't know how much longer I can afford being stuck in a rut like this, and I'm starting to see how things can and should get better and I'd like to go ahead and try to make them better. So it's going to be a weird year, but I'll try to handle whatever happens in it the best I can, and I hope that this time next year, I'll be someone I can start to be proud of.
I didn't want to end 2010 and start the new year feeling like this, but I suppose it's all for the best. Dostoevsky Fan called me about two hours ago asking me if I wanted to hang out; apparently he's been out drinking with some high school friends who I haven't spoken with in three years and who I actually am curious about and wanting to meet again, but because it was completely out of the blue, I'm not in a good place right now, and I'm very averse to people who are seriously sloshed, I said no. (This was after he drunk-texted me New Year's greetings in Russian about a million times.) I feel bad, because I'd like to have more social interaction in 2011 as well (even though I'd like to find a balance between "meet with people and make new friends!" and "put yourself in uncomfortable situations just because you don't want to be alone"), but it was still what had to be done.
Speaking of which, I'd like to thank my whole f-list for being your usual amazing and awesome and kick-ass selves, and I'm sorry for not talking with you guys or otherwise being all that approachable as much as I wanted to this past year. I'll definitely try harder to make myself more available to you this year; I'd really like for us to get to know each other better. ;-)
All right, that's enough rambling for one entry. Good night, and Happy New Year everyone! May you all have a great 2011. :D
Originally posted at http://quadruplify.dreamwidth.org/111772.html || Comments on original post: