Fanfic: No Dawn, No Day (Rose/Doctor, Post-Doomsday)
Title: No Dawn, No Day
Author: beyondthepen // posted at quadrupled (join or watch)
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Doctor/Rose, Mickey, Jackie
Spoilers: Doomsday, somewhat for S4
Summary: Post-Doomsday angst; "She begins to think this entire universe is a fake, that she’s dead and the Doctor was too much of a coward to tell her, because it would mean he let her die." Title based on the song Cosmic Love, by Florence + the Machine. I recommend listening to it while/after you read, so I provided links to both the lyrics and the song.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine. Full lyrics.
Listen to it here.
She is a ghost.
“There she is, good ol’ Rose,” Jackie says sometimes, when she smiles or laughs, when she lets herself forget that she’s dead.
She begins to think this entire universe is a fake, that she’s dead and the Doctor was too much of a coward to tell her, because it would mean he let her die. She has the feeling that once she turns her back, the entire world disappears behind her. It’s only alive when she’s looking.
“What did you do today?” she asks Mickey one day as she watches him cross the living room from the front door.
He stands still, lets his arms fall by his sides. “I got you a job,” he says simply, and she wonders if she put the words into his mouth, or if he was really doing something all day. She wonders if he exists.
The day before she starts work at Torchwood, Mickey drives her to Bad Wolf Bay and lets her off at the beach, obeying her wishes to be left alone. He doesn’t understand, not really, but he pretends to. He can’t bear to be with her alone anyway, not anymore. The drive to that spot was bad enough. She watches him drive out of sight.
She stands on the spot they stood. She knows there’s a crack here, unless that doesn’t exist either. Unless that was a lie.
Sometimes, back on the TARDIS, she’d have nightmares. Not often, but sometimes. In them, she’d be lost and searching for him. She could see him, but that was the worst part…knowing he was there, but she couldn’t get to him.
She’d wake crying, and she would try to calm herself down before the TARDIS notified him, but she was over-protective, the ship, and he’d bound into Rose’s room and wrap her in his arms before she could argue.
“Rose Tyler, you have all the power in the universe right here,” he’d say, pressing the tips of his fingers to her temple. His hands were always cold, he was always cool, even holding her with her blankets bunched around them. “But that doesn’t always mean it’s real. You can make yourself believe anything. And if you think hard enough, you can find reality, that’s how you fight nightmares.”
She’d shiver and he would move away. She had to keep herself from reaching out to him, to try to bring him back.
Bring him back.
The sand is cool and damp beneath her as she kneels. She presses her palms against it because she has to do something to keep herself grounded. The sky is such a blinding blue that it begins to darken her vision, but she takes on the mantra as a silent plea. Maybe if she thinks hard enough… Take me back, take me back to reality. This isn’t real. This is the nightmare.
It is real. It’s his voice, but she knows it’s in her head.
You’re not real, she says to the voice.
The dream you had, the one that told you to come here. It was real, yeah?
You left me here.
I couldn’t get to you.
I’m dead, that’s why.
He doesn’t answer.
I’m dead, aren’t I? You just don’t want to tell me.
You’re not dead, Rose Tyler.
Then find me. What life is this then?
I’m sorry.
She wills him to tell her what he wanted to tell her before, in this very spot, but she feels his mind leave hers, like a breeze in her head, and it leaves her dizzy and clutching sand in her hands.
She’s angry. He can travel anywhere, through time and space, but he can’t find her.
Mickey picks her up later and asks no questions about the sand on her hands and knees. She rubs her palms together and watches the grains litter the floorboard, little pieces of reality.
“What did you do, while I was gone?” she asks.
“Why do you always ask me that?”
“Curious.” She tries to force a smile.
“Nothing,” he says.
She starts to feel cracks in the dimensions, and it’s like that feeling on the beach, the dizziness, the sudden emptiness in her mind, like a free fall, and she’s left clutching doorframes or carpet. She doesn’t know what it means, until she finds herself walking down the streets of London, and she sees the TARDIS in front of her. She runs, and she’s close enough to touch it when suddenly her hand collides with the end table in the living room, and she drags the lamp down with her. Her mother is calling and she runs out the door, leaving the lamp rocking on the carpet.
And maybe if she just thinks hard enough.
The next time she feels it, she focuses on the street, on the lights reflecting on the sidewalks, on the cool mist of rain there. I want to stay.
Suddenly she’s back on bruised knees in the middle of the Torchwood lab, and the cracks are getting bigger, and she knows it. It’s a war; it’s a test of reality. She’ll finally know if this is real, if she is alive at all. If he cares at all.
Something changes inside her. She’s not just Rose Tyler anymore. She has a purpose. She’s a time traveler, a dimension hopper, a warrior.
“What did you do today?” Mickey asks when she walks through the door.
She flashes him a smile. “Nothing.”
Author: beyondthepen // posted at quadrupled (join or watch)
Rating: PG
Characters/Pairings: Doctor/Rose, Mickey, Jackie
Spoilers: Doomsday, somewhat for S4
Summary: Post-Doomsday angst; "She begins to think this entire universe is a fake, that she’s dead and the Doctor was too much of a coward to tell her, because it would mean he let her die." Title based on the song Cosmic Love, by Florence + the Machine. I recommend listening to it while/after you read, so I provided links to both the lyrics and the song.
The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart
Cosmic Love - Florence + the Machine. Full lyrics.
Listen to it here.
She is a ghost.
“There she is, good ol’ Rose,” Jackie says sometimes, when she smiles or laughs, when she lets herself forget that she’s dead.
She begins to think this entire universe is a fake, that she’s dead and the Doctor was too much of a coward to tell her, because it would mean he let her die. She has the feeling that once she turns her back, the entire world disappears behind her. It’s only alive when she’s looking.
“What did you do today?” she asks Mickey one day as she watches him cross the living room from the front door.
He stands still, lets his arms fall by his sides. “I got you a job,” he says simply, and she wonders if she put the words into his mouth, or if he was really doing something all day. She wonders if he exists.
The day before she starts work at Torchwood, Mickey drives her to Bad Wolf Bay and lets her off at the beach, obeying her wishes to be left alone. He doesn’t understand, not really, but he pretends to. He can’t bear to be with her alone anyway, not anymore. The drive to that spot was bad enough. She watches him drive out of sight.
She stands on the spot they stood. She knows there’s a crack here, unless that doesn’t exist either. Unless that was a lie.
Sometimes, back on the TARDIS, she’d have nightmares. Not often, but sometimes. In them, she’d be lost and searching for him. She could see him, but that was the worst part…knowing he was there, but she couldn’t get to him.
She’d wake crying, and she would try to calm herself down before the TARDIS notified him, but she was over-protective, the ship, and he’d bound into Rose’s room and wrap her in his arms before she could argue.
“Rose Tyler, you have all the power in the universe right here,” he’d say, pressing the tips of his fingers to her temple. His hands were always cold, he was always cool, even holding her with her blankets bunched around them. “But that doesn’t always mean it’s real. You can make yourself believe anything. And if you think hard enough, you can find reality, that’s how you fight nightmares.”
She’d shiver and he would move away. She had to keep herself from reaching out to him, to try to bring him back.
Bring him back.
The sand is cool and damp beneath her as she kneels. She presses her palms against it because she has to do something to keep herself grounded. The sky is such a blinding blue that it begins to darken her vision, but she takes on the mantra as a silent plea. Maybe if she thinks hard enough… Take me back, take me back to reality. This isn’t real. This is the nightmare.
It is real. It’s his voice, but she knows it’s in her head.
You’re not real, she says to the voice.
The dream you had, the one that told you to come here. It was real, yeah?
You left me here.
I couldn’t get to you.
I’m dead, that’s why.
He doesn’t answer.
I’m dead, aren’t I? You just don’t want to tell me.
You’re not dead, Rose Tyler.
Then find me. What life is this then?
I’m sorry.
She wills him to tell her what he wanted to tell her before, in this very spot, but she feels his mind leave hers, like a breeze in her head, and it leaves her dizzy and clutching sand in her hands.
She’s angry. He can travel anywhere, through time and space, but he can’t find her.
Mickey picks her up later and asks no questions about the sand on her hands and knees. She rubs her palms together and watches the grains litter the floorboard, little pieces of reality.
“What did you do, while I was gone?” she asks.
“Why do you always ask me that?”
“Curious.” She tries to force a smile.
“Nothing,” he says.
She starts to feel cracks in the dimensions, and it’s like that feeling on the beach, the dizziness, the sudden emptiness in her mind, like a free fall, and she’s left clutching doorframes or carpet. She doesn’t know what it means, until she finds herself walking down the streets of London, and she sees the TARDIS in front of her. She runs, and she’s close enough to touch it when suddenly her hand collides with the end table in the living room, and she drags the lamp down with her. Her mother is calling and she runs out the door, leaving the lamp rocking on the carpet.
And maybe if she just thinks hard enough.
The next time she feels it, she focuses on the street, on the lights reflecting on the sidewalks, on the cool mist of rain there. I want to stay.
Suddenly she’s back on bruised knees in the middle of the Torchwood lab, and the cracks are getting bigger, and she knows it. It’s a war; it’s a test of reality. She’ll finally know if this is real, if she is alive at all. If he cares at all.
Something changes inside her. She’s not just Rose Tyler anymore. She has a purpose. She’s a time traveler, a dimension hopper, a warrior.
“What did you do today?” Mickey asks when she walks through the door.
She flashes him a smile. “Nothing.”