Music and LJ before Bed
I definitely think I'm going to drive myself insane. Already you ask? Already indeed. Work is stressful. I'm falling for a girl in Boston. Correction: Fallen. All in all its just crazy. I decided it didn't make sense to move out of the apartment until I got some definitives about work so I'll probably be here until July/August. I don't know today. I really need to learn to control my heart. Its beating so fast it practicly hurts. I need to learn to slow down. I need to learn to just date someone. I need to be independent.
Stop
Wow. I never realized how calming it is to brush your teeth. It helped center me a little bit for some reason. I don't even really get it, but ah well.
I guess it really scares me not having control over what's going to happen next. I mean I don't even know where I'm going to work in 6 months. There is a chance I might not even work at Target for all I know! All I know is that by August I wont be in my store. Not to mention that I'm a road bump in someone else's carrier. That bothers me but is a story for another day.
I guess that's why I'm codependant. At least there is some certainty. I mean I'm at the point that I'm going to fully devote myself to someone as I have. I was in an abusive relationship for a year for heaven's sake. I didn't even end it! I did a roundabout confrontation with every intent on working on it and making it work...and then I got dumped. I know that whoever it is that decides they want to honestly work with me at this point will be with me forever. But here I am jumping into that. Its probalby just going to scare her off.
Mark's going to hate me for babbling on like I always do. Sorry Mark. I didn't really mean to come back to LJ and start where I left off.
I guess that knowledge is something that I should keep locked away. Other's have had bad experiences and aren't certain. The future is the future and I shouldn't talk to heavily about it. Today is today and that should be my concern. I blame this on work since I was analyzing workload 8 weeks out. That's two months...which is a lot closer then six...but in comparison to forever I swear its not that long. Why must I be so hopeless? Why must I already be "in love." I just want someone to call my own I guess and have comfort in knowing that they will always be mine no matter what. I just hope that they know they already have me for as long as they decide to keep me.
Oh well. Hopefully this will help me lock those thoughts up. Hopefully I will be able to just date until she's ready. Hopefully I can stop talking tommorow and focus on making every day as amazing as possible for the most amazing girl in my life. Princess Bride is an amazing movie. Leo won. Tommorow Virgo must win. The next day too. And the next, and the next, and the next for a longtime. I can do that. Maybe more sleep will help. Maybe if I blatantly spoke my feelings then it'd be ok, but Virgo has to win until she's ready for my world to collide with hers. I think I'm going to be in for a rough few months. Once all this is over though, I predict an amazing life for eternity. I can wait that long. Trust me, she is soooo worth waiting for.
Enough insanity. I need sleep.
Stop
Wow. I never realized how calming it is to brush your teeth. It helped center me a little bit for some reason. I don't even really get it, but ah well.
I guess it really scares me not having control over what's going to happen next. I mean I don't even know where I'm going to work in 6 months. There is a chance I might not even work at Target for all I know! All I know is that by August I wont be in my store. Not to mention that I'm a road bump in someone else's carrier. That bothers me but is a story for another day.
I guess that's why I'm codependant. At least there is some certainty. I mean I'm at the point that I'm going to fully devote myself to someone as I have. I was in an abusive relationship for a year for heaven's sake. I didn't even end it! I did a roundabout confrontation with every intent on working on it and making it work...and then I got dumped. I know that whoever it is that decides they want to honestly work with me at this point will be with me forever. But here I am jumping into that. Its probalby just going to scare her off.
Mark's going to hate me for babbling on like I always do. Sorry Mark. I didn't really mean to come back to LJ and start where I left off.
I guess that knowledge is something that I should keep locked away. Other's have had bad experiences and aren't certain. The future is the future and I shouldn't talk to heavily about it. Today is today and that should be my concern. I blame this on work since I was analyzing workload 8 weeks out. That's two months...which is a lot closer then six...but in comparison to forever I swear its not that long. Why must I be so hopeless? Why must I already be "in love." I just want someone to call my own I guess and have comfort in knowing that they will always be mine no matter what. I just hope that they know they already have me for as long as they decide to keep me.
Oh well. Hopefully this will help me lock those thoughts up. Hopefully I will be able to just date until she's ready. Hopefully I can stop talking tommorow and focus on making every day as amazing as possible for the most amazing girl in my life. Princess Bride is an amazing movie. Leo won. Tommorow Virgo must win. The next day too. And the next, and the next, and the next for a longtime. I can do that. Maybe more sleep will help. Maybe if I blatantly spoke my feelings then it'd be ok, but Virgo has to win until she's ready for my world to collide with hers. I think I'm going to be in for a rough few months. Once all this is over though, I predict an amazing life for eternity. I can wait that long. Trust me, she is soooo worth waiting for.
Enough insanity. I need sleep.