Pulling you out of the closet
Does anyone remember the Bedazzling Queen (not to get mixed up with the Bejeweled Queen)?
Well, I do and I thought she died.
It was the early 90s. I was 10 years old. I was watching the early morning cartoons before school. TMNT (heck yes!), anyway the turtles don't matter...what matters is that I was watching one of the commercials and a lady with a pink pant suit and crappy hair was trying to get me interested in this crappy invention she made. What invention? Oh, sorry. It was the invention to put the little crappy tacky rinestones and gold tiny buttons (that the woman refers to as "bedazzles") on clothes. You know the jewerly I'm talkin' about. Mike Myers...SNL...playin' off the Jewish lady..."Like budda" blue sweater...all bedazzlized. Or Fran from The Nanny, nasely and bedazzled. Okay we are on the same page.
Well, now she's alive and trying to get me to buy her product again. But she doesn't just show me the product in the commercial. What I think is just a regular commercial, goes on for about 34 minutes explaining in detail how I don't need to buy a pair of 200 dollar jeweled jeans when I can bedazzle my own. She goes full on infomercial on my ass. But is that really informative, Mrs. Bedazzle Queen Informical Lady? Oh, just when I thought she was wrong...she started in on her life.
And I paraphrase...
"I was a crack whore and single mom. I had no where to turn to than my own mind to invent what I know everyone in the world wanted. It was either that or Children's Handy Dandy Meth Lab. Anyway...So I'm broke, right? And I'm fucked. So I'm like...what grannie wouldn't want some crappy-tacky-plastic-enlarged-diabetic-blood-sample-looking-machine that you can put metal rinestones on one's clothes. So I pay Jimmy my Pepsicola drug dealer to hook me up with some kid sewing machines and I take a couple speeds and chew on some razzles, so I'm feelin' just fine and I push out about 200 of 'em. And I'm like shit damn fuck Cap'em Joe I gotta come up with a name. So I'm like...everyone likes beds...and i love razzles....bedrazzles....no sounds weird....bedazzles, oh snap! And I go door to door selling them. Eventually I get enough money to buy more drugs and pink pant suits. And now I have enough money to buy my own rinestone clothes, but I still love makin' em with bedazzles. And you should too."
So anyway. I picked up the phone and ordered three.
Well, I do and I thought she died.
It was the early 90s. I was 10 years old. I was watching the early morning cartoons before school. TMNT (heck yes!), anyway the turtles don't matter...what matters is that I was watching one of the commercials and a lady with a pink pant suit and crappy hair was trying to get me interested in this crappy invention she made. What invention? Oh, sorry. It was the invention to put the little crappy tacky rinestones and gold tiny buttons (that the woman refers to as "bedazzles") on clothes. You know the jewerly I'm talkin' about. Mike Myers...SNL...playin' off the Jewish lady..."Like budda" blue sweater...all bedazzlized. Or Fran from The Nanny, nasely and bedazzled. Okay we are on the same page.
Well, now she's alive and trying to get me to buy her product again. But she doesn't just show me the product in the commercial. What I think is just a regular commercial, goes on for about 34 minutes explaining in detail how I don't need to buy a pair of 200 dollar jeweled jeans when I can bedazzle my own. She goes full on infomercial on my ass. But is that really informative, Mrs. Bedazzle Queen Informical Lady? Oh, just when I thought she was wrong...she started in on her life.
And I paraphrase...
"I was a crack whore and single mom. I had no where to turn to than my own mind to invent what I know everyone in the world wanted. It was either that or Children's Handy Dandy Meth Lab. Anyway...So I'm broke, right? And I'm fucked. So I'm like...what grannie wouldn't want some crappy-tacky-plastic-enlarged-diabetic-blood-sample-looking-machine that you can put metal rinestones on one's clothes. So I pay Jimmy my Pepsicola drug dealer to hook me up with some kid sewing machines and I take a couple speeds and chew on some razzles, so I'm feelin' just fine and I push out about 200 of 'em. And I'm like shit damn fuck Cap'em Joe I gotta come up with a name. So I'm like...everyone likes beds...and i love razzles....bedrazzles....no sounds weird....bedazzles, oh snap! And I go door to door selling them. Eventually I get enough money to buy more drugs and pink pant suits. And now I have enough money to buy my own rinestone clothes, but I still love makin' em with bedazzles. And you should too."
So anyway. I picked up the phone and ordered three.