(no subject)
*I'm only making this public and not private because I don't believe in writing in LJ and then making it so no one can read it*
What's wrong with me? I'm turning into this person I used to be, a person I though I had gotten over, a person no one really knows because I keep her hidden, a person I don't like.
I don't want to worry about what I eat, or how much I exercise, or what I look like...who cares. I don't want it to become like it was before, before when no one knew about it and it hurt me so much just to think about not telling anyone. But lately it's become a big thing. A couple of my good friends have recently been really watching what they eat, either barely eating, or eating so healthy that they're not eating enough of the things they need to be. And the comments they make, it just brings back the memories. It makes me think maybe I shouldn't be eating as much as I do, although I don't even eat much, I'm lucky if I remember to eat twice a day. I've been losing weight, I think maybe because I just don't have time to eat, or I forget to eat, or b/c I'm exercising a lot too. I want to keep losing weight, I want to lose all this muscle I have, who cares about it.
I can't figure out why I've been so unhappy lately...well, actually I guess I sorta know, but I can't bring myself to really write about it, I'm not good with emotions. That last paragraph was hard enough. I dunno. I think maybe not having any money will help, I really don't have the money to be buying a ton of food or going out to eat.
I want things between Kristi and I to be back where they were 4 months ago...before we stopped talking. I think if I still had her in my life I probably wouldn't be this unhappy.
I think it also has to do with the days that are coming up...I hate November and December, I just hate them.
I don't want to go home for christmas because it means I'll have to go to *his* grave, and I know I'll wanna go by myself, and just sit there and cry all day, and I hate that. I hate being alone when I'm like that. But I know if I don't go, I'll hate myself even more.
I just don't know what to do with myself right now...I need someone to talk to. Someone here who really cares and really wants to listen. I told Sarah and Matt the story about my Dad's death when we went camping. It was the first time I had actually ever said it out loud. I told Mike over the internet, and I wrote about it in a paper once, but that's it. I've never even told Kristi, or any of my other good friends. That's how hard it is to talk about it. I can't talk about it without tears, and getting a huge lump in my throat. But they listened, and there was a sort of understanding between us after I told them. I dunno. It felt good to talk about it, but it's just so hard.
I just don't know what to do with myself.
What's wrong with me? I'm turning into this person I used to be, a person I though I had gotten over, a person no one really knows because I keep her hidden, a person I don't like.
I don't want to worry about what I eat, or how much I exercise, or what I look like...who cares. I don't want it to become like it was before, before when no one knew about it and it hurt me so much just to think about not telling anyone. But lately it's become a big thing. A couple of my good friends have recently been really watching what they eat, either barely eating, or eating so healthy that they're not eating enough of the things they need to be. And the comments they make, it just brings back the memories. It makes me think maybe I shouldn't be eating as much as I do, although I don't even eat much, I'm lucky if I remember to eat twice a day. I've been losing weight, I think maybe because I just don't have time to eat, or I forget to eat, or b/c I'm exercising a lot too. I want to keep losing weight, I want to lose all this muscle I have, who cares about it.
I can't figure out why I've been so unhappy lately...well, actually I guess I sorta know, but I can't bring myself to really write about it, I'm not good with emotions. That last paragraph was hard enough. I dunno. I think maybe not having any money will help, I really don't have the money to be buying a ton of food or going out to eat.
I want things between Kristi and I to be back where they were 4 months ago...before we stopped talking. I think if I still had her in my life I probably wouldn't be this unhappy.
I think it also has to do with the days that are coming up...I hate November and December, I just hate them.
I don't want to go home for christmas because it means I'll have to go to *his* grave, and I know I'll wanna go by myself, and just sit there and cry all day, and I hate that. I hate being alone when I'm like that. But I know if I don't go, I'll hate myself even more.
I just don't know what to do with myself right now...I need someone to talk to. Someone here who really cares and really wants to listen. I told Sarah and Matt the story about my Dad's death when we went camping. It was the first time I had actually ever said it out loud. I told Mike over the internet, and I wrote about it in a paper once, but that's it. I've never even told Kristi, or any of my other good friends. That's how hard it is to talk about it. I can't talk about it without tears, and getting a huge lump in my throat. But they listened, and there was a sort of understanding between us after I told them. I dunno. It felt good to talk about it, but it's just so hard.
I just don't know what to do with myself.