Follow-Up
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. ~1 Corinthians 13:4-13
It has been many years since I could, in good conscience, claim to be a "friend of God," although we (me and God, and I use "God" loosely) have never been enemies. Nevertheless, this verse from the Book That I Don't Read is and has always been one of my favorite quotes and comforts. Even while on my sabbatical from romantic love, I applied the ideas behind this verse to my friendships and familial relationships. And now, I turn to it once again for a reminder of what sacrifices are necessary to maintain those relationships one holds dear to the heart.
In the back of my mind I knew my previous post, or at least a part of it, would provoke some... contradictory comments. But I chose to ignore that nagging doubt and put faith in my closest friends. Now I realize that I wasn't putting faith in my friends at all, I was hoping against reason that they would understand me as I understand myself. It seems so obvious now how foolish that is; yet, I think everyone succumbs to the same daft desire. We all like to believe that we are being perceived (by the people that matter) as we intend, but this is simply not the case. People are entirely too diverse to think along the same lines and I think my line is something like an asymptote, never being touched or intersected.
Also like the asymptote, I can only be reached through a complicated series of questions and equations and exponentially difficult computations. And even after you get through all that, the pure concept of it seems down-right preposterous... (In case some of you are really big nerds, I should say that I actually have no idea how you find an asymptote or even if it can be explained or understood. I just wanted to segue with the geometric metaphor. It's called "artistic license". Deal with it!) ...So in all fairness, I should not have been hurt and upset by some of the comments I received, both privately and publicly, from my friends. And after remembering this verse (specifically, the highlighted parts), I feel I should apologize for publicly expressing disappointment. I am sorry... but not to Langs cuz she's right, that is the way our relationship is. Plus, there was a time when I was unhealthily attracted to her. So, my dear Langs, by your definition of my attractions, you must be baggage-totingly insane! I'm glad you are finally admitting it. That is the first step to recovery :-P
Stemming from an irrepressible (and futile) urge to be understood, and because I do love my friends, I am going to attempt to explain what, in my opinion, is my Public Persona. I am fully aware that it will, in all likelihood, NOT change the way I am perceived but it will certainly make me feel better. Furthermore, seeing as how I have NO desire to change, this will at least offer justification for both my opinions as well as the divergent opinions of others.
Concerning the attraction: I have learned through painful experience that dating the quiet, shy, introverted space-taker ruins my good times. My amicable and social personality is dwarfed by my desire to ensure that she, and everyone around, is having a good time. Thus, rather than enjoy the moment, I am constantly distracted by the "sweet" little girl. My use of the word "subtly" was wildly misunderstood. I intended it to be a polite antithesis to the negligible population of women who are, quite simply, fucking annoying! Annoying, here, takes many forms: obnoxious, stupid, spoiled, self-centered, loud, or even, so annoyingly aware of her own beauty that all those around become annoyingly aware of their flaws.
Concerning myself: Just because I receive attention does not mean I desire attention. Yes, I enjoy it. I am not going to lie about that. Who wouldn't enjoy making people laugh or engaging someone in a good conversation? But I do not think that directly correlates to a conscious effort to seek attention. In my opinion, I do not dominate any scene. I allow all personalities to shine through. The problem, I think, arises because I have such a flamboyant personality (on average) and it stands out over others. This is not my fault, it is just the way I am. However, there are times when I enjoy sitting in the background. But when this happens, people immediately assume that I have a problem or I am unhappy. Oftentimes, this is simply not true. Honestly, I hate the fact that people depend on me to "make the party." It is extremely flattering, yes... but how do you handle that kind of pressure? In my life, I have met 3 people who have personalities that match and/or overpower my own: Eddie Michelson, Tony Aandahl and Aaron Felder. I love all three of those guys and I have never found myself competing with them for show-time because I think we are similar in our humility and ability to enhance a social situation without dominating it. In truth, when I am paired with any of them, I tend to find myself feeding off of their personalities. I have exhausted myself in this explanation and must recharge. Like Bender, that means I must go drink... so, uh, I dunno... Pub?
It has been many years since I could, in good conscience, claim to be a "friend of God," although we (me and God, and I use "God" loosely) have never been enemies. Nevertheless, this verse from the Book That I Don't Read is and has always been one of my favorite quotes and comforts. Even while on my sabbatical from romantic love, I applied the ideas behind this verse to my friendships and familial relationships. And now, I turn to it once again for a reminder of what sacrifices are necessary to maintain those relationships one holds dear to the heart.
In the back of my mind I knew my previous post, or at least a part of it, would provoke some... contradictory comments. But I chose to ignore that nagging doubt and put faith in my closest friends. Now I realize that I wasn't putting faith in my friends at all, I was hoping against reason that they would understand me as I understand myself. It seems so obvious now how foolish that is; yet, I think everyone succumbs to the same daft desire. We all like to believe that we are being perceived (by the people that matter) as we intend, but this is simply not the case. People are entirely too diverse to think along the same lines and I think my line is something like an asymptote, never being touched or intersected.
Also like the asymptote, I can only be reached through a complicated series of questions and equations and exponentially difficult computations. And even after you get through all that, the pure concept of it seems down-right preposterous... (In case some of you are really big nerds, I should say that I actually have no idea how you find an asymptote or even if it can be explained or understood. I just wanted to segue with the geometric metaphor. It's called "artistic license". Deal with it!) ...So in all fairness, I should not have been hurt and upset by some of the comments I received, both privately and publicly, from my friends. And after remembering this verse (specifically, the highlighted parts), I feel I should apologize for publicly expressing disappointment. I am sorry... but not to Langs cuz she's right, that is the way our relationship is. Plus, there was a time when I was unhealthily attracted to her. So, my dear Langs, by your definition of my attractions, you must be baggage-totingly insane! I'm glad you are finally admitting it. That is the first step to recovery :-P
Stemming from an irrepressible (and futile) urge to be understood, and because I do love my friends, I am going to attempt to explain what, in my opinion, is my Public Persona. I am fully aware that it will, in all likelihood, NOT change the way I am perceived but it will certainly make me feel better. Furthermore, seeing as how I have NO desire to change, this will at least offer justification for both my opinions as well as the divergent opinions of others.
Concerning the attraction: I have learned through painful experience that dating the quiet, shy, introverted space-taker ruins my good times. My amicable and social personality is dwarfed by my desire to ensure that she, and everyone around, is having a good time. Thus, rather than enjoy the moment, I am constantly distracted by the "sweet" little girl. My use of the word "subtly" was wildly misunderstood. I intended it to be a polite antithesis to the negligible population of women who are, quite simply, fucking annoying! Annoying, here, takes many forms: obnoxious, stupid, spoiled, self-centered, loud, or even, so annoyingly aware of her own beauty that all those around become annoyingly aware of their flaws.
Concerning myself: Just because I receive attention does not mean I desire attention. Yes, I enjoy it. I am not going to lie about that. Who wouldn't enjoy making people laugh or engaging someone in a good conversation? But I do not think that directly correlates to a conscious effort to seek attention. In my opinion, I do not dominate any scene. I allow all personalities to shine through. The problem, I think, arises because I have such a flamboyant personality (on average) and it stands out over others. This is not my fault, it is just the way I am. However, there are times when I enjoy sitting in the background. But when this happens, people immediately assume that I have a problem or I am unhappy. Oftentimes, this is simply not true. Honestly, I hate the fact that people depend on me to "make the party." It is extremely flattering, yes... but how do you handle that kind of pressure? In my life, I have met 3 people who have personalities that match and/or overpower my own: Eddie Michelson, Tony Aandahl and Aaron Felder. I love all three of those guys and I have never found myself competing with them for show-time because I think we are similar in our humility and ability to enhance a social situation without dominating it. In truth, when I am paired with any of them, I tend to find myself feeding off of their personalities. I have exhausted myself in this explanation and must recharge. Like Bender, that means I must go drink... so, uh, I dunno... Pub?