Year of the Baby
Next year seems to be the year of the baby. Neptune's pregnant with her second, another girl. Mercury's pregnant with her first; still don't know what it is yet, since the baby wouldn't quit wiggling. Two other aquaintances are pregnant as well. A woman I worked with at Barnes and Noble is pregnant. One of my current co-workers is pregnant. A co-worker of Neptune's is pregnant. Several of the women I see come into the library talk about being pregnant and clearly are pregnant. Babies, babies everywhere...except for me.
My feelings are so mixed up right now, it's crazy. On the one hand, I'm happy for everyone. After all, it's an exciting thing to have a baby, especially if you want one. On the other hand, why is the universe being so shitty as to ensure that I'm not yet? Now, yes, hubby and I have only been trying since June. But I'm worried. *Very* worried. My periods have never been what you would call regular. I went to the OB/GYN for help, since I'm desperate. I haven't had a period since August. The doctor gave me a round of progesterone that was supposed to get my body to have a period. I finished it two days ago. Still no period. I'm honestly beginning to think that there is no baby in my future. Ever. Which makes seeing so many people around me be pregnant feel like my heart is being dipped in acid every single time. I'm seriously angry at the universe for this.
I have wanted to be a mother ever since I was a little girl. Probably ever since they put my baby brother in my arms at the age of two and a half. But it's beginning to feel more and more like it's never going to happen. I'm 33 years old. I know, people keep telling me, I'm young. But what people are forgetting is that it takes almost a year to have the kid. Every year that passes is one more year wasted.
At this point, I'm starting to wish I didn't want children. Then I wouldn't hurt so much.
I feel like I'm completely alone. When I try to talk to my mom about it, it's the one time in my life my mom completely shuts me down. I know why. It's because she can't handle my pain.
Hubby doesn't realize it, but even he shuts me down. Sometimes, I have to say the worst in order to accept it. I have to believe that the worst will happen, so that I'm prepared for it. That way, when anything other than the worst happens, I'm surprised. But that way, hope can't rip me to shreds the way it's been doing for the last six months. And I feel like I genuinely can't talk to anyone about it. Some of my friends are single. Several don't want kids at all. Ever. For any reason. Which is fine, but it also means that they will not understand the struggle I'm going through. Every month that passes lately without the appearance of my period or any indication of a child is one more month of being thrown into depression.
People tell me I just need to relax. I want to tell those people to fuck off. Like how does one do that? Relax? And just forget that one of the dreams of my heart may not ever happen? Yeah, right. Especially telling that to someone who lives with DEPRESSION and ANXIETY on a daily basis. Seriously. I take medication for it. And the main person telling me that? Yeah, is my mom. Who should know better.
Neptune and Mercury have been trying to help. Mercury particularly pestered me to go see an OB/GYN for help, to get tested to see if I might be polycistic. Which I probably am. Neptune has tried telling all of the stuff I could be doing to help. But for one, it's a lot of work. I'm sorry, but part of me is thinking that making the baby should be the *easy* part, not the hard work part.
I know life isn't fair. But there are girls and women getting pregnant every single day without having to go through what I am. If I had to have these sorts of problems, why the hell wasn't I born to be one of the women who didn't want children? Then there would be no problem. Everything would be lined up the way it's supposed to be. My desires would be lined up with my body's capabilities.
Yes, I know people also bring up adoption. That is even more hoops to jump through than normal pregnancy. It's thousands of dollars at the outset for the kid. Plus you have to prove you are absolutely the most perfectest parents in the world in order for the foster system to even let you take the child. I am not a perfect person, far from. I don't believe adoption is any more of an option for me than normal fertility.
I know I'm talking to the ether and the void, but I just needed to get my feelings out. An event particularly pulled these feelings out of me. And with no sign that my period is coming, I just needed to vent, even if it is into nothing and nowhere.
My feelings are so mixed up right now, it's crazy. On the one hand, I'm happy for everyone. After all, it's an exciting thing to have a baby, especially if you want one. On the other hand, why is the universe being so shitty as to ensure that I'm not yet? Now, yes, hubby and I have only been trying since June. But I'm worried. *Very* worried. My periods have never been what you would call regular. I went to the OB/GYN for help, since I'm desperate. I haven't had a period since August. The doctor gave me a round of progesterone that was supposed to get my body to have a period. I finished it two days ago. Still no period. I'm honestly beginning to think that there is no baby in my future. Ever. Which makes seeing so many people around me be pregnant feel like my heart is being dipped in acid every single time. I'm seriously angry at the universe for this.
I have wanted to be a mother ever since I was a little girl. Probably ever since they put my baby brother in my arms at the age of two and a half. But it's beginning to feel more and more like it's never going to happen. I'm 33 years old. I know, people keep telling me, I'm young. But what people are forgetting is that it takes almost a year to have the kid. Every year that passes is one more year wasted.
At this point, I'm starting to wish I didn't want children. Then I wouldn't hurt so much.
I feel like I'm completely alone. When I try to talk to my mom about it, it's the one time in my life my mom completely shuts me down. I know why. It's because she can't handle my pain.
Hubby doesn't realize it, but even he shuts me down. Sometimes, I have to say the worst in order to accept it. I have to believe that the worst will happen, so that I'm prepared for it. That way, when anything other than the worst happens, I'm surprised. But that way, hope can't rip me to shreds the way it's been doing for the last six months. And I feel like I genuinely can't talk to anyone about it. Some of my friends are single. Several don't want kids at all. Ever. For any reason. Which is fine, but it also means that they will not understand the struggle I'm going through. Every month that passes lately without the appearance of my period or any indication of a child is one more month of being thrown into depression.
People tell me I just need to relax. I want to tell those people to fuck off. Like how does one do that? Relax? And just forget that one of the dreams of my heart may not ever happen? Yeah, right. Especially telling that to someone who lives with DEPRESSION and ANXIETY on a daily basis. Seriously. I take medication for it. And the main person telling me that? Yeah, is my mom. Who should know better.
Neptune and Mercury have been trying to help. Mercury particularly pestered me to go see an OB/GYN for help, to get tested to see if I might be polycistic. Which I probably am. Neptune has tried telling all of the stuff I could be doing to help. But for one, it's a lot of work. I'm sorry, but part of me is thinking that making the baby should be the *easy* part, not the hard work part.
I know life isn't fair. But there are girls and women getting pregnant every single day without having to go through what I am. If I had to have these sorts of problems, why the hell wasn't I born to be one of the women who didn't want children? Then there would be no problem. Everything would be lined up the way it's supposed to be. My desires would be lined up with my body's capabilities.
Yes, I know people also bring up adoption. That is even more hoops to jump through than normal pregnancy. It's thousands of dollars at the outset for the kid. Plus you have to prove you are absolutely the most perfectest parents in the world in order for the foster system to even let you take the child. I am not a perfect person, far from. I don't believe adoption is any more of an option for me than normal fertility.
I know I'm talking to the ether and the void, but I just needed to get my feelings out. An event particularly pulled these feelings out of me. And with no sign that my period is coming, I just needed to vent, even if it is into nothing and nowhere.