Not the big picture, just the thumbnail?
Lots of thinks and feels today. So, journal time.
Like I've said before, the fact that I'm sho much extra frustrated about my life right now is hopefully a sign that the brainfog is starting to lift. But ... I'm still frustrated. Life is less than pleasant, and feeling frustrated is unpleasant.
So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just chill out and hope the brainfog is unraveling on its own, assuming this isn't just another outlier, or force my way through it with a jackhammer.
Obvious problem with making a plan of action- if the brainfog comes back, I forget all the plans and end up a zombie again.
Is it the trying/striving that's keeping me fatigued? Or will enough justified anger give me a lift out of this perpetual annoyingness?
Reading over an advice column elsewhere on the interwebs, I remembered my life before the fatigue smacked me. My steady, dependable, comfy job and lots of regular craziness after work. And it was a nice balance. Tho the after-work activities varied over the years, and some had to be dropped hard b/c of too-much-crazy, I always bounced back and found something new to do. I was able to keep up my jewelry business, keep up with my job, *and* have a very active social life at the same time (at least until improv ate my social life, whups).
The column also brought up the idea that college was nice with all of its short-term, semesterly goals. Except... I had mixed results on following deadlines. I don't think I was ever late with stuff, but I'd often wait until late in the game for some papers and projects. And I really don't want to go to grad school, for whatever reasons. But I still like getting things done on a regular basis. Not necessarily huge things, but 1 hour sewing sessions were definitely a good idea.
I tried setting up goals & deadlines for jewelry and writing in the last couple of years, every attempt failed miserably. At least, so far. On the other hand, I finished costuming stuff early for DCon. Is this a good sign that I should try that technique again?
Also thinking back to the spring/summer of 2011 when this problem became obvious. And why then?
Improv did give me possibly too-much-to-do, but I've been wondering on and off over time how much it contributed. Nice as most of the people are there (between friends and people who are just cordial to strangers), this article about the "Sick Systems" of abusive relationships & workplaces came up and I was all "Oh yeah... that's the improv scene." I don't think anyone made it that way on purpose, but there is a frenzied I GOTTA GET THE CARROT mentality, frequently dulled down by lots of beer. It certainly didn't *help* me, and being too tired to continue with the one team that would have me at least gave me the distance to determine that it wasn't really my thing after all, but after two years shouldn't I have recovered?
Another trigger, the three massive sinus infections in a row that spring. One of which kept me out of work for two weeks. Two infections (or all three if one was a relapse) caused by visits to a home which didn't seem to have been vacuumed in a decade, despite the residence of three enormously fluffy cats. How long does it take to recover from a two month long sinus infection?
I wonder if the sinus infection just triggered a bunch of other things. The gluten problem, the sleep disorder, etc. I started working on all of that one year ago, and I'm better but not cured. How much longer now?
And then there's the idea that I am better physically, but now all that's left is a big mental block that metaphorically resembles a mucus plug in my brain. And the mind makes things real enough.
I have not yet figured out how to hack my brain subconsciously, sadly. And that's assuming that I'm *not* suffering physically. I am not the biggest fan of medical science these days.
Its very difficult for me to not over-think things. Brevity happens when I edit something down.
Possibly the best plan I can think of is that now I can remember that I have a dayplanner (or at least I could this week) maybe I should just stick to very short-term goals and ignore thinking about all of these problems. Or 'letting go' of them, and of the *wanting* to fix them, in the Sedona way. One hour of sewing. One hour of jewelry. Photograph/catalog/upload 5 things for the Etsy shop. One evening out with friend(s) per week. Edit one episode of project. Ten minutes of yoga while watching teh Youtube.
As I learned with saving $$ for DCon, things add up eventually, and then you go o_O I did all that?? And reintroducing myself to what I luv in a low-pressure way may get me back into my old groove. No deadlines. Don't look at the big picture, ONLY look at the thumbnail. And enjoy the thumbnail.
On the other hand... what happens on days when I can't even remember that there is a thumbnail? :-/
<3 Chrysilla
ps, Also still trying not to drive myself crazy before DCon, with mixed results. Which is why the 'just give up' aspects are so appealing.
pps, Oh duh, see also this week's tarot forecast :-P
Tarot on Tumblr
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/
Like I've said before, the fact that I'm sho much extra frustrated about my life right now is hopefully a sign that the brainfog is starting to lift. But ... I'm still frustrated. Life is less than pleasant, and feeling frustrated is unpleasant.
So now I'm trying to figure out if I should just chill out and hope the brainfog is unraveling on its own, assuming this isn't just another outlier, or force my way through it with a jackhammer.
Obvious problem with making a plan of action- if the brainfog comes back, I forget all the plans and end up a zombie again.
Is it the trying/striving that's keeping me fatigued? Or will enough justified anger give me a lift out of this perpetual annoyingness?
Reading over an advice column elsewhere on the interwebs, I remembered my life before the fatigue smacked me. My steady, dependable, comfy job and lots of regular craziness after work. And it was a nice balance. Tho the after-work activities varied over the years, and some had to be dropped hard b/c of too-much-crazy, I always bounced back and found something new to do. I was able to keep up my jewelry business, keep up with my job, *and* have a very active social life at the same time (at least until improv ate my social life, whups).
The column also brought up the idea that college was nice with all of its short-term, semesterly goals. Except... I had mixed results on following deadlines. I don't think I was ever late with stuff, but I'd often wait until late in the game for some papers and projects. And I really don't want to go to grad school, for whatever reasons. But I still like getting things done on a regular basis. Not necessarily huge things, but 1 hour sewing sessions were definitely a good idea.
I tried setting up goals & deadlines for jewelry and writing in the last couple of years, every attempt failed miserably. At least, so far. On the other hand, I finished costuming stuff early for DCon. Is this a good sign that I should try that technique again?
Also thinking back to the spring/summer of 2011 when this problem became obvious. And why then?
Improv did give me possibly too-much-to-do, but I've been wondering on and off over time how much it contributed. Nice as most of the people are there (between friends and people who are just cordial to strangers), this article about the "Sick Systems" of abusive relationships & workplaces came up and I was all "Oh yeah... that's the improv scene." I don't think anyone made it that way on purpose, but there is a frenzied I GOTTA GET THE CARROT mentality, frequently dulled down by lots of beer. It certainly didn't *help* me, and being too tired to continue with the one team that would have me at least gave me the distance to determine that it wasn't really my thing after all, but after two years shouldn't I have recovered?
Another trigger, the three massive sinus infections in a row that spring. One of which kept me out of work for two weeks. Two infections (or all three if one was a relapse) caused by visits to a home which didn't seem to have been vacuumed in a decade, despite the residence of three enormously fluffy cats. How long does it take to recover from a two month long sinus infection?
I wonder if the sinus infection just triggered a bunch of other things. The gluten problem, the sleep disorder, etc. I started working on all of that one year ago, and I'm better but not cured. How much longer now?
And then there's the idea that I am better physically, but now all that's left is a big mental block that metaphorically resembles a mucus plug in my brain. And the mind makes things real enough.
I have not yet figured out how to hack my brain subconsciously, sadly. And that's assuming that I'm *not* suffering physically. I am not the biggest fan of medical science these days.
Its very difficult for me to not over-think things. Brevity happens when I edit something down.
Possibly the best plan I can think of is that now I can remember that I have a dayplanner (or at least I could this week) maybe I should just stick to very short-term goals and ignore thinking about all of these problems. Or 'letting go' of them, and of the *wanting* to fix them, in the Sedona way. One hour of sewing. One hour of jewelry. Photograph/catalog/upload 5 things for the Etsy shop. One evening out with friend(s) per week. Edit one episode of project. Ten minutes of yoga while watching teh Youtube.
As I learned with saving $$ for DCon, things add up eventually, and then you go o_O I did all that?? And reintroducing myself to what I luv in a low-pressure way may get me back into my old groove. No deadlines. Don't look at the big picture, ONLY look at the thumbnail. And enjoy the thumbnail.
On the other hand... what happens on days when I can't even remember that there is a thumbnail? :-/
<3 Chrysilla
ps, Also still trying not to drive myself crazy before DCon, with mixed results. Which is why the 'just give up' aspects are so appealing.
pps, Oh duh, see also this week's tarot forecast :-P
Tarot on Tumblr
Crossposted from Dreamwidth, http://chrysilla.dreamwidth.org/