Return of the Sassy Spinster :-)
Weird milestone this week, causing a variety of rocks to roll around in my head. On one hand its been a year since my last *encounter* with a guy. On the other, its been a year since the last time a guy jerked me around. And despite some sleep problems and poor diet choices this week I am feeling OK about it.
I've just been working on that part of my brain a lot since September-ish, and I don't think I realized how much its changed since then.
For one thing, I established that I do have a 'type', a friend helped pinpoint it. Or a series of traits that most of the guys in the last 5 years have had. And ever since that conversation I've been immune to that sort of guy.
Ironically I think I met the alpha-archetype of my type a few weeks after that conversation, and was unfazed by him. Wait, no, unfazed but a bit disgusted, by the guy and myself. The guy was a sad thing to look at from a new perspective, but I knew that a year ago I would have followed him around drooling and whining for months. Maybe it wasn't ironic, maybe I just needed to see the mile-stone of "Yay! Not falling for that this time! I win!"
Actually... I've been pretty much unfazed by all guys for the last couple of months. A few passing fancies, but nothing that really rooted itself in my brain like before. And not like when I was on Zoloft. My feelings haven't been dulled, I just don't have anyone to direct them at anymore. Unusually peaceful for my brain.
Another perspective shift I played with was identifying traits I don't want to deal with in an s.o. or playmate, and being more careful to identify those things when I see them. Some are more subjective than others. And I might have developed a sense of x-ray vision in spotting them.
I was also often attracted to guys who opened up to me. The best line to ever use on me was "I don't usually tell people this, but..." Unfortunately, as far as I can tell around the circles I wander in now, guys don't open up to a girl if they're actually trying to attract her. Courtship is all about impressing the other party, and the guys on that scene just don't think they are impressive (which is really sad for them), so it becomes more of a surface-level show. "I gotta make myself look BIG!!!"
People open up to me because they're not trying to impress me, I'm a safe person to talk to. Which is fine, I just needed to figure that out so as to be a lot less confused and frustrated. If I didn't like that I wouldn't be reading tarot for $$ ;-)
There were times in my life where I would have gladly picked up any bone thrown in my direction, but now its not really a big deal. I have some friends in really great relationships, and others that make me stare in awe of the oncoming trainwreck. I know people that don't seem to believe they can survive without any S.O. and my mind just boggles at it.
My life is really awesome without either side of the coin-flip. The general feeling of "Sho tired" may have hit me there too. Just don't have the energy for boy-chasing right now.
Why guys aren't into me, I don't really know. Toosomethingorother? Not enough? I'm not interested in that riddle anymore. I yam what I yam. And I should take it easy on the males, "It is no easy thing to be loved by the Queen." ;-)
I will probably be lonely on and off for the rest of my life, whether or not I'm hitched to anyone else. That's just something my brain likes to gnaw on when I'm unbalanced, stressed, unhappy, etc. But when my moods are stable none of this bothers me. Depression is teh suxxors, and is the *actual* problem.
It looks kinda sad to type it all out, but for me its a puzzle that I've been trying to put together for about half a year. I think its a step forward :-)
I wonder what's gonna happen when I get to Wicked Faire? Totally not the social scene I usually wander in anymore, and I miss it. Not sure if having emotional x-ray vision is going to help or get in the way.
Yay, I'm getting back to being a Sassy Spinster, tho I may abandon the blog due to boredom and lack of feedback. People seem to agree, but they don't want to crow about it like I have. Does not compute.
<3 Chrysilla
I've just been working on that part of my brain a lot since September-ish, and I don't think I realized how much its changed since then.
For one thing, I established that I do have a 'type', a friend helped pinpoint it. Or a series of traits that most of the guys in the last 5 years have had. And ever since that conversation I've been immune to that sort of guy.
Ironically I think I met the alpha-archetype of my type a few weeks after that conversation, and was unfazed by him. Wait, no, unfazed but a bit disgusted, by the guy and myself. The guy was a sad thing to look at from a new perspective, but I knew that a year ago I would have followed him around drooling and whining for months. Maybe it wasn't ironic, maybe I just needed to see the mile-stone of "Yay! Not falling for that this time! I win!"
Actually... I've been pretty much unfazed by all guys for the last couple of months. A few passing fancies, but nothing that really rooted itself in my brain like before. And not like when I was on Zoloft. My feelings haven't been dulled, I just don't have anyone to direct them at anymore. Unusually peaceful for my brain.
Another perspective shift I played with was identifying traits I don't want to deal with in an s.o. or playmate, and being more careful to identify those things when I see them. Some are more subjective than others. And I might have developed a sense of x-ray vision in spotting them.
I was also often attracted to guys who opened up to me. The best line to ever use on me was "I don't usually tell people this, but..." Unfortunately, as far as I can tell around the circles I wander in now, guys don't open up to a girl if they're actually trying to attract her. Courtship is all about impressing the other party, and the guys on that scene just don't think they are impressive (which is really sad for them), so it becomes more of a surface-level show. "I gotta make myself look BIG!!!"
People open up to me because they're not trying to impress me, I'm a safe person to talk to. Which is fine, I just needed to figure that out so as to be a lot less confused and frustrated. If I didn't like that I wouldn't be reading tarot for $$ ;-)
There were times in my life where I would have gladly picked up any bone thrown in my direction, but now its not really a big deal. I have some friends in really great relationships, and others that make me stare in awe of the oncoming trainwreck. I know people that don't seem to believe they can survive without any S.O. and my mind just boggles at it.
My life is really awesome without either side of the coin-flip. The general feeling of "Sho tired" may have hit me there too. Just don't have the energy for boy-chasing right now.
Why guys aren't into me, I don't really know. Toosomethingorother? Not enough? I'm not interested in that riddle anymore. I yam what I yam. And I should take it easy on the males, "It is no easy thing to be loved by the Queen." ;-)
I will probably be lonely on and off for the rest of my life, whether or not I'm hitched to anyone else. That's just something my brain likes to gnaw on when I'm unbalanced, stressed, unhappy, etc. But when my moods are stable none of this bothers me. Depression is teh suxxors, and is the *actual* problem.
It looks kinda sad to type it all out, but for me its a puzzle that I've been trying to put together for about half a year. I think its a step forward :-)
I wonder what's gonna happen when I get to Wicked Faire? Totally not the social scene I usually wander in anymore, and I miss it. Not sure if having emotional x-ray vision is going to help or get in the way.
Yay, I'm getting back to being a Sassy Spinster, tho I may abandon the blog due to boredom and lack of feedback. People seem to agree, but they don't want to crow about it like I have. Does not compute.
<3 Chrysilla