Agency -- Power
This has been an interesting topic to ponder the last few days: my emotional perceptions of the difference between these two concepts, and how focusing on one or the other makes me more effective in pursuing what I truly want.
I think "power" is a wonderful word. It sings of potency, of energy, of vast resources. It is formidable not only in itself but in its potential. I have always wanted power: the potent energy to do, to accomplish.
Most of you have probably already noticed that my "power" associations don't mention anything about authority or control. To me, Power is all about inner resources and ability. It's personal force. If it has authority, it's the result of competence, confidence and charisma, independent of whether a person has a formal rank or not.
And maybe I've never felt 'big' enough to consider myself powerful. Maybe Power has seemed far too heroic, too much a quality of the supremely talented/confident/charismatic for me to see it in myself, or to claim it for myself. Maybe I've been so deeply socialized to be a Good Girl (even now, damn it) that seeking to exercise Power seemed. . . overly aggressive, not polite, risking making others feel uncomfortable. There are 'ways' to do things, ways that respect structure, authority, the tender sensibilities of others. Flexing one's power disrupts all that.
Or that has been my perception.
Then there's "agency," a word that I only recently learned can refer to more than an "organization." A person who has agency is a person who makes choices, and who acts. It is a word of personal sovereignty, of the kind of freedom that transcends external circumstances.
I don't feel "powerful." I very seldom have, for all that I have been blessed with talent and priveleges. But for the past week or so, I have been affirming my own agency again and again and again. And I have been doing. I have been moving forward. I have become more confident, more in control of my own life.
I have never thought of myself as the Cinderella type, waiting for a prince to come and rescue me. But I do seem to have always been waiting for others to drop things in my lap, to present me with opportunities, to draw me out, to encourage me, to enable me. I've been waiting not for a prince, but for my fairy godmother to dress me up, give me my coach, and send me to the ball, where then I could dazzle everyone and win my heart's desire. Lacking a fairy godmother, I gave up on the ball instead of going shopping for a dress and calling a taxi -- or limo service.
No wonder I feel like I have been living a life of squandered potential. I have been drugged by blessings. I became dependent on the bounty of the Divine and those around me. Now, I don't want to deny those blessings, but I finally realized that even God can only do so much without me actually stepping up and stepping out.
I've felt that because I don't have "power" it wouldn't make any difference if I acted. That I didn't have the force, the energy, the potency to make things happen. What I was missing was agency. Power is like a muscle, it grows and is strengthened by use. I start with decisions, with choices, and with actions. Practice makes perfect. Exercise makes you stronger. Potency grows through action. Novels don't write themselves. Clients don't come find you even though you don't have any marketing materials out there. Weight doesn't go down if you don't change your habits.
There were many important things that came very easily to me as a child: reading, speaking skills, musical skills. I was very smart, and learning was easy. I didn't experience trial and error, or the rewards of persistence. So when I grew older, and I was confronted by things that didn't come easily I assumed I couldn't do them -- or I was so embarrassed and frustrated by my lack of immediate skill I declined to continue.
I don't feel powerful nearly as much as I would like. But I have come to believe in my own agency. I have the freedom to choose, and to act. And that's where the changes are coming from.
I think "power" is a wonderful word. It sings of potency, of energy, of vast resources. It is formidable not only in itself but in its potential. I have always wanted power: the potent energy to do, to accomplish.
Most of you have probably already noticed that my "power" associations don't mention anything about authority or control. To me, Power is all about inner resources and ability. It's personal force. If it has authority, it's the result of competence, confidence and charisma, independent of whether a person has a formal rank or not.
And maybe I've never felt 'big' enough to consider myself powerful. Maybe Power has seemed far too heroic, too much a quality of the supremely talented/confident/charismatic for me to see it in myself, or to claim it for myself. Maybe I've been so deeply socialized to be a Good Girl (even now, damn it) that seeking to exercise Power seemed. . . overly aggressive, not polite, risking making others feel uncomfortable. There are 'ways' to do things, ways that respect structure, authority, the tender sensibilities of others. Flexing one's power disrupts all that.
Or that has been my perception.
Then there's "agency," a word that I only recently learned can refer to more than an "organization." A person who has agency is a person who makes choices, and who acts. It is a word of personal sovereignty, of the kind of freedom that transcends external circumstances.
I don't feel "powerful." I very seldom have, for all that I have been blessed with talent and priveleges. But for the past week or so, I have been affirming my own agency again and again and again. And I have been doing. I have been moving forward. I have become more confident, more in control of my own life.
I have never thought of myself as the Cinderella type, waiting for a prince to come and rescue me. But I do seem to have always been waiting for others to drop things in my lap, to present me with opportunities, to draw me out, to encourage me, to enable me. I've been waiting not for a prince, but for my fairy godmother to dress me up, give me my coach, and send me to the ball, where then I could dazzle everyone and win my heart's desire. Lacking a fairy godmother, I gave up on the ball instead of going shopping for a dress and calling a taxi -- or limo service.
No wonder I feel like I have been living a life of squandered potential. I have been drugged by blessings. I became dependent on the bounty of the Divine and those around me. Now, I don't want to deny those blessings, but I finally realized that even God can only do so much without me actually stepping up and stepping out.
I've felt that because I don't have "power" it wouldn't make any difference if I acted. That I didn't have the force, the energy, the potency to make things happen. What I was missing was agency. Power is like a muscle, it grows and is strengthened by use. I start with decisions, with choices, and with actions. Practice makes perfect. Exercise makes you stronger. Potency grows through action. Novels don't write themselves. Clients don't come find you even though you don't have any marketing materials out there. Weight doesn't go down if you don't change your habits.
There were many important things that came very easily to me as a child: reading, speaking skills, musical skills. I was very smart, and learning was easy. I didn't experience trial and error, or the rewards of persistence. So when I grew older, and I was confronted by things that didn't come easily I assumed I couldn't do them -- or I was so embarrassed and frustrated by my lack of immediate skill I declined to continue.
I don't feel powerful nearly as much as I would like. But I have come to believe in my own agency. I have the freedom to choose, and to act. And that's where the changes are coming from.