Life and Stuff
So, it's been about a month now that I've been taking an anti-depressant and I have a follow-up appointment with the psychiatrist to determine if it's working. I kind of wish we could do this via conference call or something because I hate having to schlep myself into D.C. for 60 minutes of "tell me how you feel" time.
I definitely know that I am feeling MUCH better than I've felt in awhile, but there have been a lot of changes in my life over the past month and I am not sure if I am just feeling better because I've made those changes, or if the Wellbutrin has made me feel well enough to want to make those changes. I just don't know.
I've gotten back into the habit of working out. I mean, I actually look forward to working out now, which is how it used to be when I was in NYC. So far, I've just been doing a lot of cardio -- mostly high intensity interval-type stuff -- and sometimes when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep I run my hand over my thighs and it gives me some sort of satisfaction to feel how hard my muscles are. That came out kind of creepy, but you get the point. The other day, I actually found myself running on the treadmill. What the fuck? I don't run. I mean, even if I was being chased by a knife-wielding serial killer, I'd probably just stop and be like "Kill me motherfucker, cause I ain't running." Seriously. But I don't know, I just kept increasing the speed of my intervals and suddenly I found myself running along at 5 mph (okay, so maybe it was just sort of a jog, but still). Now, I am not saying I'll be signing up for a marathon anytime soon, but I was like "Look people, I am running, I'm fucking RUNNING." Weird.
I've been more or less sticking to my nutrition plan except that I've become re-obsessed with weighing myself. I am only supposed to weigh myself on Mondays and Thursdays and now when I eat something off the plan I get all paranoid and run to the scale to make sure I haven't gained weight. I know I have to stop that because I think the plan is working pretty well. I've lost over 20 lbs so far and even though I have quite a ways left to go, it's a good start.
I've got a friend. It only took me 4 years of living in VA, but I finally have a friend here. I mean, I've made a bunch of acquaintances through work and stuff, but I've not really met anyone that I feel really connected to, until now. And even though we've been cultivating this friendship for a few months, I feel like over the past month we've totally grown closer and I feel like she actually likes me as much as I like her, which is unusual for me. This will sound totally pitiful, but a lot of times when I meet someone I really like, I feel like I am the only one cultivating the friendship. And over the past few years, I really haven't met anyone that I felt a connection with that was worth really pursuing and I don't know if that was because I was living under a cloud of depression or if because I just wasn't meeting the right people. I mean, I've met plenty of people that I really like and are fun to hang around with, but not anyone that really intrigued me in the sense that I want to really know and understand them; someone worth taking the risk of investing myself in (sadly, I didn't even feel this way about my ex-girlfriend Sarah). Sometimes I do get a little scared about putting myself out there completely for her and I end up manufacturing this hardcore, tough-love approach with her, but I am hoping with time I'll feel like I can trust her enough to be comfortable in my vulnerability.
The only real rough spot left for me is my work situation. I absolutely HATE my job. The company really has no vision for it's future and I feel like I am pretty goal-oriented, so this presents a problem. In fundraising, we always had some sort of budget to meet or a project to fund and everything was so quantifiable. At my current job, it seems like our only goal is to make it through another day without pissing off a client.
So, as I was typing this, the power in our computer room went out, which means our servers went down, which means we lost our Internet connection and I had to run up and down the halls rousing the technical staff to figure out if this was affecting our clients and did we need to switch over to our backups in Miami or kick in our generators. That was fun. Maybe I could pursue a town crier position somewhere.
I definitely know that I am feeling MUCH better than I've felt in awhile, but there have been a lot of changes in my life over the past month and I am not sure if I am just feeling better because I've made those changes, or if the Wellbutrin has made me feel well enough to want to make those changes. I just don't know.
I've gotten back into the habit of working out. I mean, I actually look forward to working out now, which is how it used to be when I was in NYC. So far, I've just been doing a lot of cardio -- mostly high intensity interval-type stuff -- and sometimes when I am laying in bed trying to fall asleep I run my hand over my thighs and it gives me some sort of satisfaction to feel how hard my muscles are. That came out kind of creepy, but you get the point. The other day, I actually found myself running on the treadmill. What the fuck? I don't run. I mean, even if I was being chased by a knife-wielding serial killer, I'd probably just stop and be like "Kill me motherfucker, cause I ain't running." Seriously. But I don't know, I just kept increasing the speed of my intervals and suddenly I found myself running along at 5 mph (okay, so maybe it was just sort of a jog, but still). Now, I am not saying I'll be signing up for a marathon anytime soon, but I was like "Look people, I am running, I'm fucking RUNNING." Weird.
I've been more or less sticking to my nutrition plan except that I've become re-obsessed with weighing myself. I am only supposed to weigh myself on Mondays and Thursdays and now when I eat something off the plan I get all paranoid and run to the scale to make sure I haven't gained weight. I know I have to stop that because I think the plan is working pretty well. I've lost over 20 lbs so far and even though I have quite a ways left to go, it's a good start.
I've got a friend. It only took me 4 years of living in VA, but I finally have a friend here. I mean, I've made a bunch of acquaintances through work and stuff, but I've not really met anyone that I feel really connected to, until now. And even though we've been cultivating this friendship for a few months, I feel like over the past month we've totally grown closer and I feel like she actually likes me as much as I like her, which is unusual for me. This will sound totally pitiful, but a lot of times when I meet someone I really like, I feel like I am the only one cultivating the friendship. And over the past few years, I really haven't met anyone that I felt a connection with that was worth really pursuing and I don't know if that was because I was living under a cloud of depression or if because I just wasn't meeting the right people. I mean, I've met plenty of people that I really like and are fun to hang around with, but not anyone that really intrigued me in the sense that I want to really know and understand them; someone worth taking the risk of investing myself in (sadly, I didn't even feel this way about my ex-girlfriend Sarah). Sometimes I do get a little scared about putting myself out there completely for her and I end up manufacturing this hardcore, tough-love approach with her, but I am hoping with time I'll feel like I can trust her enough to be comfortable in my vulnerability.
The only real rough spot left for me is my work situation. I absolutely HATE my job. The company really has no vision for it's future and I feel like I am pretty goal-oriented, so this presents a problem. In fundraising, we always had some sort of budget to meet or a project to fund and everything was so quantifiable. At my current job, it seems like our only goal is to make it through another day without pissing off a client.
So, as I was typing this, the power in our computer room went out, which means our servers went down, which means we lost our Internet connection and I had to run up and down the halls rousing the technical staff to figure out if this was affecting our clients and did we need to switch over to our backups in Miami or kick in our generators. That was fun. Maybe I could pursue a town crier position somewhere.