Funny, I found this on the Therion forum.
Yeah, I found this on the Offical Therion Forum, I thought it was quite funny. Read It.
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Suppose that this situation is taking place: “ In the top of a Castle there is a beautiful princess which is guarded by a terrible, gigantic dragon” This is how the situation would unfold according to each different style:
Power Metal:
The protagonist arrives to the castle in a winged white horse, runs away from the dragon, saves the princess and the two of them go somewhere far away to make love.
True Metal:
The protagonist arrives to the castle and using his sword defeats the dragon in battle. Thereafter he does the princess while being soaked in the dragon’s blood.
Thrash Metal:
The protagonist arrives to the castle, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
Heavy Metal:
The protagonist arrives to the Castle in a Harley Davidson, he kills the dragon, drinks a couple beers with the princess and then they have sex.
Folk Metal:
The protagonist arrives with several friends playing the acordeon, laud, violin and other strange instruments. The dragon falls asleep from dancing too much, and then they leave…without the princess.
Viking Metal:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with an axe, cooks him and eats him, rapes the princess, loots the castle and lights everything in fire before leaving.
Death Metal:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess, kills her, and leaves.
Black Metal:
He comes at dawn, amidst the fog, kills the dragon and empales it in front of the castle, Sodomizes the princess, cuts her with a dagger and drinks her blood in a satanic ritual before killing her. Upon discovering that she wasn’t a virgin, he impales her along with the dragon.
Grindcore:
He arrives, slays the dragon, goes up the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Thereafter he fucks her again. Burns up the princess’ body and fucks her once more.
Doom Metal:
He arrives to the castle, sees the size of the dragon, gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his corps and then eats the princess.
Nu Metal:
He arrives to the castle, brags about how good he is fighting and says he can beat the dragon. He is defeated miserably and is left like crap. While fleeing he finds the princess and tells her everything about his tragic childhood; the princess slaps his face and goes out to look for the heavy metal fellow. The “Nu” dude takes a prozac and goes off to record a “the best of” record.
Classic Rock N’Roll:
He arrives in a motorcycle smoking a joint, he offers it to the dragon which turned out to be a good friend. Thereafter, he camps out in the most secluded place of the garden with the princess and after a lot of sex, drugs and rock n’roll has an o.d of LSD and dies choked in his own vomit.
Punk:
He throws a rock at the dragon and flees. Then he paints an anarchist “a” on one the castle walls, he gives the princess a Mohican hair cut, and opens a comic-book berth on of the castle’s passages.
Hardcore:
He arrives all flashy doing stunts on his skateboard, but in the entrance of the castle the bouncer asks him for his ID and is thus left out for being underage. In resignation he retreats flashing off again, saying that the princess was too much of a preppie for an alternative dude such as himself.
Progressive Metal:
He arrives, plays a virtuous 26 minute guitar solo and the dragon kills himself due to boredom. He arrives to where the princess is and plays another solo exploring all the tone and compass techniques he learnt in the last year in the conservatory. The princess flees looking after the Heavy Metal dude.
Hard Rock:
He arrives at the castle in a red convertible alongside two big-breasted blondes and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. Then he kills the dragon with a knife and has an orgy with the princess and the blondes.
Gothic Metal:
The protagonist arrives wearing the latest trends in night’s clothing of the Camelot court, but he is not sure whether he wants to face the dragon or not, or whether he likes princesses, and amongst such uncertainty stays bedazzled with the first flower that he finds in the castle, only to die sickened a short time after.
Glam:
He arrives at the castle, the dragon is laughing so hard at his attire that he lets him go through, he walks inside the castle, steals the princess’ lipstick and hair lacquer and then convinces the dragon of painting the castle pink and of doing himself some highlights in the hair.
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