Keeping The Peace 01/??
All right, so I'm posting a chapter of a random story I've had floating around. Why am I doing this? For the sake of feeling like I've accomplished something.
Keeping The Peace is a humor-fic about Sirius Black and Severus Snape having to share Grimmauld Place during the summer months. It's an AU fic, just to warn you, and was started mostly because I thought the idea of putting the two of them in the same space like this would be not only hilarious, but a fantastic outlet for my frustration with having to live with my sibling, who is a bitter jackass and has no sense of boundaries.
See? Outlet.
Keeping The Peace
Chapter: 01/??
Rating: PG13 (for now)
Warnings: Humor, No pairings, unbeta-ed
KEEPING THE PEACE
By Qestral
Author's note: This is DEFINITELY an AU. One where Sirius didn't die. Why? Because this is funnier.
*
Three hours.
Three long, painful hours of sitting at the kitchen table at number 12, Grimmauld Place, waiting for someone to say a simple “I'm sorry.”
Harry was feeling more inclined by the moment to bash his head into the table. Because he was still quite certain this was not actually a good idea, he made another desperate effort at a conversation that had been spinning in circles.
“Sirius,” he said. “Will you PLEASE apologize to Snape?”
Sirius, who had been bent over a cup of now-lukewarm tea, leaned back in his chair, folded his arms across his chest, and said “I don't see why he's still upset over things that happened when we were both schoolboys. Why can't he just let it go?”
“If it's just 'something that happened when you were both schoolboys',” Harry responded testily, “Then why can't you just say you're sorry?”
The dark look Sirius shot at him would have curdled milk, but all he said was, “Well then he has to apologize for everything he's said to try and make me feel useless. It's not my fault I'm not allowed to help out more with the Order.”
Professor Snape, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table from Sirius, looked about to say something until Harry gave him a warning glance; this was the fourth time they had hit this part of the conversation, and if Snape didn't watch his mouth it would be the fourth time he said something suggesting Sirius really was useless, and the fourth time Sirius would retaliate according to his nature-a show of force. After the second time, Harry had requested both men set their wands out of arms' reach, but this had done little to stop Sirius. Sirius had few to no discrepencies with using physical violence.
Snape paused before speaking and appeared to be giving some thought to what he would say next. To Harry's relief, he didn't decide to say something rude anyway, though he wasn't sure if what he said was much better.
“Only if he apologizes first.”
Harry could feel them both regressing to age thirteen in preparation for the impending argument, and before Sirius-who, admittedly, hadn't had the opportunity to spend much of his adult life developing further beyond that point than Harry himself-could say “No, you apoligize first,” Harry cut in with “Sirius, Snape has said he'll apologize once you do. Apologize.”
“Why should I go first? His insult was more recent!”
“All the more reason for you to go first,” Harry told him. “You hurt his feelings first--” he tacitly ignored the expression on Snape's face, the one that was about to angrily deny even having emotions; Honestly, what else would this stupid fight be over? “-so you have to apologize first.”
Sirius' expression clearly showed he was scrabbling for any reason not to go first, but was (to Harry's relief) obviously not succeeding. After a few quiet moments, he sighed and said “Fine, but he has to promise he'll apologize.”
“Snape, do you promise to apologize?”
Harry crossed his fingers; Snape had managed to bite back a retort earlier, but going two for two? Once again, however, Harry was relieved by Snape's look of consideration giving way to something agreeable.
“I promise.” There was the barest minimal conviction behind the words, but he said them nonetheless.
Harry turned back to Sirius. Sirius did not look pleased with this turn of events, and Harry suspected he had been hoping the other man would give him a reason to sock him square in that angular nose of his. After a short pause, Sirius finally said, “SnapeIapologizeI'msorry.”
“He didn't even look at me when he said that!”
Harry shot Snape a bad look, thinking I'm surprised he even said anything, before saying “Please look up and speak clearly, Sirius.”
Sirius sighed, glowering at Harry before turning his attention back to Professor Snape. “Severus,” he began slowly, trying not to grind his teeth, “I apologize for the mean things I did when we were in school. I'm sorry.”
One down, Harry thought. “Now, Professor, would you please apologize, too?”
There was a very long pause. The longer it lasted, the more worried Harry felt. If he says, after all this, 'I lied. Nevermind, I'm not sorry,' I'm giving Sirius his wand back and locking them in the kitchen, come what may.
Finally, after what felt like an age had passed, Snape made eye contact with Sirius and said “I'm sorry for calling you useless.”
There was a few moments of silence filled with anxiety that Snape was going to add on something far from being an apology. When he didn't, Harry took a deep breath and sighed, smiling.
“There! That's over with, then. Now maybe the two of you can get on with living here together without actually killing each other!”
At the reminder that now both of them would have an almost permanent residence at 12 Grimmauld Place, both their expressions fell immediately into sickened disappointment.
“Of all the stupid things,” Sirius muttered, resting his head on his arms on the tabletop, “WHY did you have to get caught spying?”
“I didn't,” Snape replied tersely. “I'm telling you, I was not expecting Lucius to be in the HeadMaster's office. I was in a hurry.”
“A hurry. Right. The ONE time you actually screw up-bloody perfectionist-is the least possible opportune time. You do realize, now, that there's no one listening in on what Voldemort is upto?”
“Would you both PLEASE stop this stupid argument already?!” Harry asked. “Everyone screws up at one point or another, it was bound to happen eventually!”
Sirius snapped “Why are you defending him?!” at the same time as Snape's darkly muttered “What an uplifting vote of confidence,” and Harry, after three hours and seventeen minutes of trying to mediate the two of them, threw his hands up in the air and cried, “I can't do this anymore! I'm going to find Ron! If you two start fighting again, I'm calling on Mrs. Weasley and letting HER settle this!”
Both men, being familiar enough with Mrs. Weasley's 'settling' tactics, fell into an uncomfortable silence, Snape glowering at the table while Sirius watched Harry storm out of the room, his desire to follow the boy very clearly written on his face.
But as soon as Harry was out of sight, the decision that it was his, Sirius', kitchen, settled in, and he had more right to be there than that slimeball Snape, and so he was going to stay right where he was until Snape left.
Because obviously, Snape's presence made any sort of cooking nigh impossible. He was... THERE. His very being seething with distaste at everything that was Grimmauld Place and thus Sirius Black's.
The bastard. Sirius was only letting him stay here out of pity.
And because Dumbledore said so.
When Molly DID happen to arrive roughly forty-five minutes later, along with provisions for dinner, she entered a kitchen in which sat one brooding Severus Snape, and one deeply embittered Sirius Black.
“Have you two been sitting in here since I left this afternoon?” she asked.
“Sort of,” said Sirius.
“We've made peace,” Severus said darkly.
Molly frowned. “You could've fooled me. Severus, would you please go get some herbs from the backyard? I think the thyme's grown enough to be used for cooking. Sirius, start a pot of water, I'm making pasta for dinner.”
There was a pause that couldn't have lasted five seconds, but in which Sirius was absolutely certain Severus was waiting for him to move first. But then Severus stood and left the kitchen, and Sirius finally felt free to move about the kitchen.
“If you two don't start acting like adults,” chided Molly, waving a long, wooden spoon at him, “I'll dictate which rooms of the house you both are and aren't allowed to be in.”
“It's my house,” Sirius defended.
“And it's being used for the Order's work,” she retaliated. “If you two continue to carry on like a pair of schoolboy rivals, I WILL separate you!”
Sirius sighed in resignation and began to follow Molly's cooking orders as she gave them.
He could feel the summer beginning to stretch painfully on into oblivion, and marvelled angrily at how something he'd been looking forward to-time with Harry, time with friends-had turned into an unpleasant ordeal he had to suffer through.
Keeping The Peace is a humor-fic about Sirius Black and Severus Snape having to share Grimmauld Place during the summer months. It's an AU fic, just to warn you, and was started mostly because I thought the idea of putting the two of them in the same space like this would be not only hilarious, but a fantastic outlet for my frustration with having to live with my sibling, who is a bitter jackass and has no sense of boundaries.
See? Outlet.
Keeping The Peace
Chapter: 01/??
Rating: PG13 (for now)
Warnings: Humor, No pairings, unbeta-ed
KEEPING THE PEACE
By Qestral
Author's note: This is DEFINITELY an AU. One where Sirius didn't die. Why? Because this is funnier.
*
Three hours.
Three long, painful hours of sitting at the kitchen table at number 12, Grimmauld Place, waiting for someone to say a simple “I'm sorry.”
Harry was feeling more inclined by the moment to bash his head into the table. Because he was still quite certain this was not actually a good idea, he made another desperate effort at a conversation that had been spinning in circles.
“Sirius,” he said. “Will you PLEASE apologize to Snape?”
Sirius, who had been bent over a cup of now-lukewarm tea, leaned back in his chair, folded his arms across his chest, and said “I don't see why he's still upset over things that happened when we were both schoolboys. Why can't he just let it go?”
“If it's just 'something that happened when you were both schoolboys',” Harry responded testily, “Then why can't you just say you're sorry?”
The dark look Sirius shot at him would have curdled milk, but all he said was, “Well then he has to apologize for everything he's said to try and make me feel useless. It's not my fault I'm not allowed to help out more with the Order.”
Professor Snape, who was sitting at the opposite end of the table from Sirius, looked about to say something until Harry gave him a warning glance; this was the fourth time they had hit this part of the conversation, and if Snape didn't watch his mouth it would be the fourth time he said something suggesting Sirius really was useless, and the fourth time Sirius would retaliate according to his nature-a show of force. After the second time, Harry had requested both men set their wands out of arms' reach, but this had done little to stop Sirius. Sirius had few to no discrepencies with using physical violence.
Snape paused before speaking and appeared to be giving some thought to what he would say next. To Harry's relief, he didn't decide to say something rude anyway, though he wasn't sure if what he said was much better.
“Only if he apologizes first.”
Harry could feel them both regressing to age thirteen in preparation for the impending argument, and before Sirius-who, admittedly, hadn't had the opportunity to spend much of his adult life developing further beyond that point than Harry himself-could say “No, you apoligize first,” Harry cut in with “Sirius, Snape has said he'll apologize once you do. Apologize.”
“Why should I go first? His insult was more recent!”
“All the more reason for you to go first,” Harry told him. “You hurt his feelings first--” he tacitly ignored the expression on Snape's face, the one that was about to angrily deny even having emotions; Honestly, what else would this stupid fight be over? “-so you have to apologize first.”
Sirius' expression clearly showed he was scrabbling for any reason not to go first, but was (to Harry's relief) obviously not succeeding. After a few quiet moments, he sighed and said “Fine, but he has to promise he'll apologize.”
“Snape, do you promise to apologize?”
Harry crossed his fingers; Snape had managed to bite back a retort earlier, but going two for two? Once again, however, Harry was relieved by Snape's look of consideration giving way to something agreeable.
“I promise.” There was the barest minimal conviction behind the words, but he said them nonetheless.
Harry turned back to Sirius. Sirius did not look pleased with this turn of events, and Harry suspected he had been hoping the other man would give him a reason to sock him square in that angular nose of his. After a short pause, Sirius finally said, “SnapeIapologizeI'msorry.”
“He didn't even look at me when he said that!”
Harry shot Snape a bad look, thinking I'm surprised he even said anything, before saying “Please look up and speak clearly, Sirius.”
Sirius sighed, glowering at Harry before turning his attention back to Professor Snape. “Severus,” he began slowly, trying not to grind his teeth, “I apologize for the mean things I did when we were in school. I'm sorry.”
One down, Harry thought. “Now, Professor, would you please apologize, too?”
There was a very long pause. The longer it lasted, the more worried Harry felt. If he says, after all this, 'I lied. Nevermind, I'm not sorry,' I'm giving Sirius his wand back and locking them in the kitchen, come what may.
Finally, after what felt like an age had passed, Snape made eye contact with Sirius and said “I'm sorry for calling you useless.”
There was a few moments of silence filled with anxiety that Snape was going to add on something far from being an apology. When he didn't, Harry took a deep breath and sighed, smiling.
“There! That's over with, then. Now maybe the two of you can get on with living here together without actually killing each other!”
At the reminder that now both of them would have an almost permanent residence at 12 Grimmauld Place, both their expressions fell immediately into sickened disappointment.
“Of all the stupid things,” Sirius muttered, resting his head on his arms on the tabletop, “WHY did you have to get caught spying?”
“I didn't,” Snape replied tersely. “I'm telling you, I was not expecting Lucius to be in the HeadMaster's office. I was in a hurry.”
“A hurry. Right. The ONE time you actually screw up-bloody perfectionist-is the least possible opportune time. You do realize, now, that there's no one listening in on what Voldemort is upto?”
“Would you both PLEASE stop this stupid argument already?!” Harry asked. “Everyone screws up at one point or another, it was bound to happen eventually!”
Sirius snapped “Why are you defending him?!” at the same time as Snape's darkly muttered “What an uplifting vote of confidence,” and Harry, after three hours and seventeen minutes of trying to mediate the two of them, threw his hands up in the air and cried, “I can't do this anymore! I'm going to find Ron! If you two start fighting again, I'm calling on Mrs. Weasley and letting HER settle this!”
Both men, being familiar enough with Mrs. Weasley's 'settling' tactics, fell into an uncomfortable silence, Snape glowering at the table while Sirius watched Harry storm out of the room, his desire to follow the boy very clearly written on his face.
But as soon as Harry was out of sight, the decision that it was his, Sirius', kitchen, settled in, and he had more right to be there than that slimeball Snape, and so he was going to stay right where he was until Snape left.
Because obviously, Snape's presence made any sort of cooking nigh impossible. He was... THERE. His very being seething with distaste at everything that was Grimmauld Place and thus Sirius Black's.
The bastard. Sirius was only letting him stay here out of pity.
And because Dumbledore said so.
When Molly DID happen to arrive roughly forty-five minutes later, along with provisions for dinner, she entered a kitchen in which sat one brooding Severus Snape, and one deeply embittered Sirius Black.
“Have you two been sitting in here since I left this afternoon?” she asked.
“Sort of,” said Sirius.
“We've made peace,” Severus said darkly.
Molly frowned. “You could've fooled me. Severus, would you please go get some herbs from the backyard? I think the thyme's grown enough to be used for cooking. Sirius, start a pot of water, I'm making pasta for dinner.”
There was a pause that couldn't have lasted five seconds, but in which Sirius was absolutely certain Severus was waiting for him to move first. But then Severus stood and left the kitchen, and Sirius finally felt free to move about the kitchen.
“If you two don't start acting like adults,” chided Molly, waving a long, wooden spoon at him, “I'll dictate which rooms of the house you both are and aren't allowed to be in.”
“It's my house,” Sirius defended.
“And it's being used for the Order's work,” she retaliated. “If you two continue to carry on like a pair of schoolboy rivals, I WILL separate you!”
Sirius sighed in resignation and began to follow Molly's cooking orders as she gave them.
He could feel the summer beginning to stretch painfully on into oblivion, and marvelled angrily at how something he'd been looking forward to-time with Harry, time with friends-had turned into an unpleasant ordeal he had to suffer through.