Leggo my Ego.
I am trying to decide if my vanity is getting the best of me. The other night I was pondering whether I truly appreciate any women my age or if I am always in internal competition with them. Especially in the theater world. If I hear of someone's success through the grapevine or first hand my automatic reaction is intense jealousy. But this excludes anyone 30 and up. Because they obviously have a head start and I can't be blamed because who knows what i will have achieved at that age. This can't be healthy. Right? I mean I try to stifle it and I always act happy and encouraging. But inwardly I birage myself for not being more successful, for letting someone else get ahead. Now, I am not a monster like i am making it sound. Often after these encounters it gives me a kick in the pants to get going and motivated so I am not left behind. I have always been competitive and a lot of times i feed off of it. But I am trying to draw the line between healthy competition and being a flat out bitch. I cant be the only one who does this...can I? Am I being totally unreasonable and selfish or is this something that everyone does?
I know there are many talented women my age and thats something i appreciate about my generation. There is a "get up and go" attitude about many of us that I think will truly lead this world in a more positive direction. But I also worry. I worry that there is too much pettiness, that when someone succeeds it is habitual to belittle there achievement. Its like the boiling pot of crabs. When one crab has climbed its way to the top and is almost out the others drag it back down. I know I would never actually be the crab and pull someone down on purpose. And I would never get in the way of someone's success so I that I feel better about myself. But it sickens me just a little that when I go to see a show by one of my friends I mentally pick it a part to pieces. I want to be able to let myself be humbled by my peers and their talent. Because I know that so many of them deserve praise and respect.
Sometimes I am caught off guard and a person does something so undeniably wonderful its impossible to find fault with it. And then thats where the real magic happens. I am inspired. Inspired to do better work, to be a better artist. I wish I could let myself drop the ego and let this happen more. I do my best stuff when someone else inspires me. Its one of the great things about being human. Working together, supporting one another, acknowledging other's accomplishments, we mold ourselves into better people. We set our own standards of greatness. No one would be great without someone else standing there applauding them. Without that its all meaningless.
So I am striving to be a better audience. To stop judging others so I wont have to judge myself. I want to be able to see the beauty in someone else without comparing myself to it. I don't wish to completely drop being competitive, I know that would be next to impossible anyway, because I do believe it can be healthy. And I think it is also healthy to be critical to a point and not accept everything at face value. But to overdo it like I have been is going to run my creative well dry. I know its only full in the first place because of the people that have inspired me.
I know there are many talented women my age and thats something i appreciate about my generation. There is a "get up and go" attitude about many of us that I think will truly lead this world in a more positive direction. But I also worry. I worry that there is too much pettiness, that when someone succeeds it is habitual to belittle there achievement. Its like the boiling pot of crabs. When one crab has climbed its way to the top and is almost out the others drag it back down. I know I would never actually be the crab and pull someone down on purpose. And I would never get in the way of someone's success so I that I feel better about myself. But it sickens me just a little that when I go to see a show by one of my friends I mentally pick it a part to pieces. I want to be able to let myself be humbled by my peers and their talent. Because I know that so many of them deserve praise and respect.
Sometimes I am caught off guard and a person does something so undeniably wonderful its impossible to find fault with it. And then thats where the real magic happens. I am inspired. Inspired to do better work, to be a better artist. I wish I could let myself drop the ego and let this happen more. I do my best stuff when someone else inspires me. Its one of the great things about being human. Working together, supporting one another, acknowledging other's accomplishments, we mold ourselves into better people. We set our own standards of greatness. No one would be great without someone else standing there applauding them. Without that its all meaningless.
So I am striving to be a better audience. To stop judging others so I wont have to judge myself. I want to be able to see the beauty in someone else without comparing myself to it. I don't wish to completely drop being competitive, I know that would be next to impossible anyway, because I do believe it can be healthy. And I think it is also healthy to be critical to a point and not accept everything at face value. But to overdo it like I have been is going to run my creative well dry. I know its only full in the first place because of the people that have inspired me.