I am my own worst enemy
I am sorta glad slash not that i missed relay for life. Its kinda weird how everyone kinda seemed to be contemplating life and death at the same time. Maybe its weird universal vibes. I dunno what it was exactly, i just know that i was watching Heathers and the scene came on where Veronica is walking down a deserted hallway expecting the whole place to blow up at any minuet and it just hit me big time.
Its been like this before where i wake up in cold tear stained sweaty sheets just thinking that someday i will die and what if this is it? And jsut now i was watching that scene in Heathers and just started crying in this panicky 'oh my god this is all i have' sort of way. What if we never wake up? when i think about dying i think about it as a deep sleep that someday you wake up out of, maybe into another life. But what if its not like that, what if it goes on and on, an endless abyss, and we never wake up just sort of exist like dust? Sometimes that almost comforts me but right now its freaking me out. It just makes me so determined to live every moment but it scares me that i am not.
Just because i think there is all this stuff holding me back i use it as an excuse to not live life to its fullest. I mean why are human beings so afraid of that? To truly be happy and do everything they have ever dreamed. Money is not an obsticle, its a tool that we as humans created to keep things in order. But when you are talking about spirit, divine intervention, all that crap, it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter if you were born into poverty with a hooker mom and crack addict abusive dad, because if you have the will to live and be something, nothing can stop you. So why am i sitting on my ass typing on my livejournal instead of traveling the world? Because logic is holding me back. I am my own worst enemy. Shit now i am getting all self pitying!
I am just going to leave it here because its starting to all sound so cliche and stupid. But i do know this is what is real. Not this, but right now.
Its been like this before where i wake up in cold tear stained sweaty sheets just thinking that someday i will die and what if this is it? And jsut now i was watching that scene in Heathers and just started crying in this panicky 'oh my god this is all i have' sort of way. What if we never wake up? when i think about dying i think about it as a deep sleep that someday you wake up out of, maybe into another life. But what if its not like that, what if it goes on and on, an endless abyss, and we never wake up just sort of exist like dust? Sometimes that almost comforts me but right now its freaking me out. It just makes me so determined to live every moment but it scares me that i am not.
Just because i think there is all this stuff holding me back i use it as an excuse to not live life to its fullest. I mean why are human beings so afraid of that? To truly be happy and do everything they have ever dreamed. Money is not an obsticle, its a tool that we as humans created to keep things in order. But when you are talking about spirit, divine intervention, all that crap, it doesnt matter. It doesnt matter if you were born into poverty with a hooker mom and crack addict abusive dad, because if you have the will to live and be something, nothing can stop you. So why am i sitting on my ass typing on my livejournal instead of traveling the world? Because logic is holding me back. I am my own worst enemy. Shit now i am getting all self pitying!
I am just going to leave it here because its starting to all sound so cliche and stupid. But i do know this is what is real. Not this, but right now.