-death- LJ just ate my commenttttt. Ummmm. Crap. Okay here I go for take-two! ;;;;
Anyways, I'm your second editor for this past week. Sorry for the delay--I wasn't aware that I had been assigned editing.
It's an interesting take on a familiar story. I went back and skimmed over your previous entries to get more of an idea for the characters and to figure out their situations a bit.
I agree a lot with what weirdauntie said about the use of adverbs and watching where it gets too wordy. There are a few passages in your narrative that it happens to, asides from the one she pointed out. Like you had said, you end up just getting carried away while writing. Just make sure you go back and check for any excess language that can be taken out when you do your own edits at a later point!
Also, and I was just curious, why did it change from Zander to Xander?
quietly, “As: You do this a few times (and a friend of mine used to do it a lot) but you don't need to put a comma. The previous phrase has been finished, and the new quote starts a new sentence. So after 'quietly' (and register, “Choosing after register), you go ahead and put a period.
in the small apartment living room: I read this sentence over a few times seeing if it needed to be reworded or what, and the best thing to do is just make apartment possessive :D "apartment's"
so she couldn't possibly understand.: The narrative jumps back and forth from inside of Claire's head to inside of Xander's head. For the sake of such a short story, just pick one standpoint to take. That would involve a bit of rewriting/rearranging of phrases so it is exclusive to one character, but it makes for a stronger narrative.
said so matter of factly: You don't need the 'so'.
speak of,” he finished off in barely a steeled whisper: Pick either barely (or a variation) or steeled, but don't use both. Too many descriptive words for explaining how someone said something leaves the reader having to go back and grapple with the combination of tones in their head.
If only Nate still saw that: This section (the line and the few sentences preceding it) were probably my favorite from this passage. Because even though Xander tried to make himself seem like he can be a bad guy, this shows how he still has a hopeful character in a sense. However, the last sentence could be stronger. "If only Nate could still see that", for example: it gives it more of a determined hope, instead of a defeated one. Determined hope lends to his feelings of brotherhood towards Nate.
at this great force before her: This whole paragraph was a bit shaky. For starters, using 'this blah blah' when referring to a person is a little awkward. 'The' would work better, but I would suggest just trying to rephrase that in general. Also, the cut-in of the announcement that Xander was leaving was rather random, as it just interrupts Claire's thought process.
I didn't understand - don't understand: To make it have more of a punch over the fact that she's correcting herself, try adding an 'I' before "don't". "I didn't understand--I don't understand." Saying that, I would also suggest italicizing 'don't' just to emphasize it, but it's up to you!
“ I suppose: No space :D Also, the comma before it should be a period.
Clare: Claire :D
The creature you know: I'm not entirely too sure what he means by "creature". Is he referring to himself? Or what?
what truth is: Set truth off from being just a word in the sentence to being the thing that Claire is referring to. Use "" or italics :D
wasn't entirely reality either: 'entirely' and 'reality' make for an interesting rhythm as it's being read, but it feels a bit wordy and bumpy. See if you can find a way to rephrase it without using both.
Again, good job with using these characters and taking a familiar story to put your own twist to! Also, great job for your first time participating. I hope to see more from you in February!
Anyways, I'm your second editor for this past week. Sorry for the delay--I wasn't aware that I had been assigned editing.
It's an interesting take on a familiar story. I went back and skimmed over your previous entries to get more of an idea for the characters and to figure out their situations a bit.
I agree a lot with what weirdauntie said about the use of adverbs and watching where it gets too wordy. There are a few passages in your narrative that it happens to, asides from the one she pointed out. Like you had said, you end up just getting carried away while writing. Just make sure you go back and check for any excess language that can be taken out when you do your own edits at a later point!
Also, and I was just curious, why did it change from Zander to Xander?
quietly, “As: You do this a few times (and a friend of mine used to do it a lot) but you don't need to put a comma. The previous phrase has been finished, and the new quote starts a new sentence. So after 'quietly' (and register, “Choosing after register), you go ahead and put a period.
in the small apartment living room: I read this sentence over a few times seeing if it needed to be reworded or what, and the best thing to do is just make apartment possessive :D "apartment's"
so she couldn't possibly understand.: The narrative jumps back and forth from inside of Claire's head to inside of Xander's head. For the sake of such a short story, just pick one standpoint to take. That would involve a bit of rewriting/rearranging of phrases so it is exclusive to one character, but it makes for a stronger narrative.
said so matter of factly: You don't need the 'so'.
speak of,” he finished off in barely a steeled whisper: Pick either barely (or a variation) or steeled, but don't use both. Too many descriptive words for explaining how someone said something leaves the reader having to go back and grapple with the combination of tones in their head.
If only Nate still saw that: This section (the line and the few sentences preceding it) were probably my favorite from this passage. Because even though Xander tried to make himself seem like he can be a bad guy, this shows how he still has a hopeful character in a sense. However, the last sentence could be stronger. "If only Nate could still see that", for example: it gives it more of a determined hope, instead of a defeated one. Determined hope lends to his feelings of brotherhood towards Nate.
at this great force before her: This whole paragraph was a bit shaky. For starters, using 'this blah blah' when referring to a person is a little awkward. 'The' would work better, but I would suggest just trying to rephrase that in general. Also, the cut-in of the announcement that Xander was leaving was rather random, as it just interrupts Claire's thought process.
I didn't understand - don't understand: To make it have more of a punch over the fact that she's correcting herself, try adding an 'I' before "don't". "I didn't understand--I don't understand." Saying that, I would also suggest italicizing 'don't' just to emphasize it, but it's up to you!
“ I suppose: No space :D Also, the comma before it should be a period.
Clare: Claire :D
The creature you know: I'm not entirely too sure what he means by "creature". Is he referring to himself? Or what?
what truth is: Set truth off from being just a word in the sentence to being the thing that Claire is referring to. Use "" or italics :D
wasn't entirely reality either: 'entirely' and 'reality' make for an interesting rhythm as it's being read, but it feels a bit wordy and bumpy. See if you can find a way to rephrase it without using both.
Again, good job with using these characters and taking a familiar story to put your own twist to! Also, great job for your first time participating. I hope to see more from you in February!
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