Between Myth and Reality

[qafan]

Ok, this is my next entry for the

Comments

Editor checking in

[wierdauntie]

Hey there,
I like this. She seems to be... poor soul... falling in love with an angel. Or demon. I am intrigued and, as Claire is, wanting to know more!

Some feedback, and you said "No holds barred" so here it is:

Okay. what makes it a little over the top is the potency of repeated words that could have been used more sparingly, such as: "With a (loud)growl (ripping) from his throat, he found himself picking Clare up and shoving her against the wall. He (glared) into her (deep)(green)(orbs) (NEVER call eyes ORBS!!) with an (intensity) that could bring any man to his knees. His own eyes flashed a (deadly) bronze fire that seemed ready to (consume her in an instant.)"

So the parentheses are where you might want to summarize/modify, etc. Try this: "With a growl ripping from his throat, he picked Claire up and shoved her against the wall, glaring into her startled green eyes with his own, blazing with deadly bronze fire." Less verbiage and same potency, perhaps?

So that's what I;d do, go through and consolidate, cut any repetitious phrasing, and beef up the dialogue, which is strong and engaging.

I did not get to read your other pieces, but this is so engaging I will go and do so.
Hope this was a little helpful and not too harsh,
W

Re: Editor checking in

[qafan]

Ok, thanks so much for the input here. I do realize that the language can go a little overboard at times. I usually try to trim that down in the proceeding drafts. I tend to get into it and it gets away from me. Thanks for point it out though!