Shades of Grey

[qafan]

Title: Shades of Grey Chapter Five
Author: qafan
Beta: positive_pat Thanks, Pat, for taking the time and effort to work on this story. It is an enormous undertaking, but I'm so glad you were the one with the guts to do it! You and Dops both know Brian better than anyone on here I've seen, so thank you so much for taking on my story!
I'd also like to thank doppelgangerqaf for all her input and guidance in this story. She encouraged me and kept me excited to write this, and I wouldn't have even had the courage to seek Pat out to have it betaed were it not for her. Thanks Dops!
As for the AMAZING banner, that's all courtesy of the AMAZING foreverbm. Thank you SO much, again, for the banner! I couldn't have asked for a more perfect banner for this story. Thanks again!!
Disclaimer: I own nothing
Time line: season one
Rating: PG-13 for now, but it'll heat up.
Synopsis: This story, for now, is simply going to be the events of Season One from Brian's perspective. It has a lot of flashbacks to Brian's past, and some scenes that fill in the gaps between scenes and episodes. Everything is written through Brian's eyes, and he tells the story. I hope you enjoy it, it's been a LONG time coming, and if it is a success, it'll be coming a lot more as well. Gimme plenty of feedback!

Author's Note: Chapter Five...whew! Love this chapter. There's a great flashback scene that I particularly loved writing. Let me know what you guys think!  Don't forget to leave me some love! (Tough or otherwise. I'm not picky. *evil grin* )

After we spent some time talking and me being the proud father, I decided I needed a much deserved smoke break.

“Alright ladies and dykes, I need to step out for a moment.”

I handed Gus - my son - back to Lindsey and stepped out into the hallway. I’d seen a terrace earlier, so I made my way there. The moment I stepped outside, I inhaled the crisp night air. I stepped closer to the balcony to see the streets below. I had never really been one for heights and this was a pretty steep one. I lit up and leaned an elbow on the concrete wall. A son. I couldn’t believe I had a son. What on earth kind of father was I going to be? It’s not like I’d had any good examples to go by. My own father, as I’d stated before, was a screwed up prick whose sole purpose was to get drunk and gamble as much of his money away as he could. Yet, I still supported him. I gave him money every month, just so he could get by. Me, the son who he swore wouldn’t amount to anything in life. How the tables do turn.

The earliest memory I had of my father was when I was three years old. I adored my father at that point. He was my superhero. He could do anything. I had just gotten my first set of crayons and paper. I wanted to draw a picture for my daddy before he got home. I drew him as a superhero with a red cape and all. He was flying, and he was carrying me. I was so proud of it. I ran to mommy to show her. This was before the light had left her eyes. She was still young and beautiful at that point. When she smiled, her whole face would light up. When I ran up to her screaming, “Mommy, see!” she grabbed me in her arms and laughed. She had the most beautiful, musical laugh.

“What is it, my love? What have you drawn for Mommy?”

“I drew Daddy a picture, Mommy! Do you think he’ll like it?”

Mommy didn’t say anything for a moment, but then she turned her soft eyes onto me.

“Sweetie, it’s beautiful, and I’m sure he’ll love it.”

She pushed my long hair out of my face and placed a kiss on top of my head.

“But what about Mommy?” she asked, “Don’t I get a picture, too?”

I licked my lips and smiled.

“I already drew you one, Mommy!”

I jumped up to grab the other sheet off the floor where I had been drawing. I rushed back over to where she was sitting at the kitchen table and hopped back into her lap.

“See!”

The picture showed Mommy smiling and holding me really tight like she always did.

A small tear escaped her eye as she looked at the picture.

“Oh, baby, it’s beautiful. I love it!”

I smiled when I knew she really liked it. I couldn’t wait for Daddy to see his!

Daddy didn’t come home as early as he normally did. I sat by the window waiting until it started to get dark outside. He finally drove up the driveway. When he got into the house, he looked like he was sick, and couldn’t stand up.

“Daddy!”

I ran up to him, but he yelled at me.

“Shut up, you little brat! I can’t take the noise right now!”

Daddy’s voice sounded funny, like he had something in his mouth. I looked at him sadly but spoke quieter.

“I’m sorry Daddy. I drew something for you today!”

“Huh, you did? Well let’s see it then,” he said as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

I grabbed the picture from where I had been sitting and took it to him.

He looked at it for a moment and then a funny look came over his face.

“You call this a picture? That’s pathetic! Who’s this supposed to be, anyway?”

I bit my lower lip when I realized he didn’t like it.

“It’s you, Daddy. You’re carrying me.”

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen!”

Then, Daddy ripped up the paper in shreds. Tears began to course down my face.

“Daddy, no!”

“Jack!” I heard Mommy say, “How could you! He worked so hard on that, and he’s been waiting all afternoon to show you!”

“He’s just a little brat! He probably won’t even remember it in the morning!”

“He’s your son, and he loves you!”

“My son? My son? I didn’t want a son! I told you to get rid of him when you found out you were going to have him! I never even wanted the kid!”

“Stop that! Stop saying things like that in front of him!”

Mommy started crying.

“I’ll say what I want! This is my house!” Daddy stood up and shoved Mommy out of the way, “Now get out of my way. I’m going to bed.”

Mommy sat down in the chair and began to cry harder.

“It’s okay Mommy,” I said as I patted her hand, “It wasn’t a very good picture anyway,” and then I smiled.

Mommy looked up at me, but didn’t smile. She gathered me in her arms and we sat there for a long time. I never drew another picture again…

I heard the door to the balcony open and close and I knew who it was.

“It’s disgusting to see all those lesbians fawning over him and making ‘goo-goo’ talk,” Michael said.

“Well, that’s what women do with babies,” I said as I took another puff from my cigarette.

“Who’s talking about the baby, I was talking about Justin.”

I looked over at him and let him know I wasn’t amused.

“It’s kind of weird, you having a kid,” he said, “But still, it’s exciting, isn’t it?”

I was not going to enjoy this conversation.

“What, having some wrinkled little time-clock ticking away; reminding you that you’re getting older by the minute, by the second?”

“Keep thinking like that and you’re going to end up prematurely gray. I think I see one.”

He reached up and plucked a hair from my head.

“Ow!”

I shoved him for being so annoying and took another puff from my cigarette.

“Why didn’t someone try and stop me?”

He proceeded to remind me that they had in fact tried countless times, but of course, I didn’t listen.

“Now you’re stuck with a kid, for life.”

I thought about that for a moment. Life. Could I really handle the possibility of becoming my father? I was already unsure if I actually even wanted be a father, now that he was here. Well, I didn’t have to be. There was one alternative. I looked back at Mikey.

“There is always one solution.”

I jumped up onto the ledge and opened my arms to the wind that whipped around me. My previous qualms about the height completely evaporated.

“I could end it all right now.”

Michael wasn’t pleased with this idea. He yelled for me to get down.

“No you’ll have to come get me -”

“I’m serious, stop clowning!”

“Or I’ll jump!” I screamed.

I turned to look at Michael and stuck out my hand. Would Michael go with me this far? I smiled inside when he took my hand and climbed up as well. I knew then that Michael would go with me anywhere I asked him.

We just stood there for a while, like something out of a movie. After Michael quite literally talked me down from the ledge, we returned to the Maternity Ward to say goodnight to the girls, and to my newborn son. I told Michael to wait for me outside while I said goodnight to Lindsey and walked back toward her room.

Lindsey Peterson. I don’t think I would be able to tell you all about our relationship if I tried, because there is a considerable amount to tell. We knew each other in high school. She had transferred schools her freshman year. The first day we met, we clicked.

It was bizarre because in our first conversation she smiled at me, and I was quick to tell her, “Sorry, sweetie, but you’re not my type.”

She laughed at this and turned to look at me and said, “That’s fine with me, because you’re not mine, either!”

We never really had to say anything, we just knew about each other. And in spite of our obvious preferences, in a twisted way, we were soul mates, and we knew it. There were a few instances in college which we termed “midsummer madness” in which we went a little too far in our experimenting. The beautiful thing about it, though, we never let it affect our friendship. We were still Brian and Lindsey. When she met Mel, things became tense for a while, and a part of me felt like I was being cheated on. However, I finally came to terms with the fact that she had found someone to make her happy and complete. I couldn’t argue with that. Melanie hated me from the beginning, though. I was the one, in her opinion, who was always getting in between them. Lindsey did tend to come to me with a lot more of her problems than she should have. A part of me disliked Melanie as much as she did me, but then a bigger part of me understood. She was the one in love with Lindsey. She should be the one Lindsey leaned on, the one she turned to. I’m sure I could have helped speed that process along, but as with Michael, I didn’t want to lose Lindsey. It’s selfish, I know, but she was one of the few people I could turn to.

I found a stray wheelchair in the hospital hallway and wheeled myself into her room. The nurse was there taking Gus from Lindsey.

“I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to come back tomorrow. Mother needs her rest,” she said politely.

“Well so does the father,” I smirked.

“It’s okay, nurse,” Lindsey smiled and intervened.

The nurse brought him over toward me before she left with him. I stood to get one last look at my beautiful sleeping boy.

“Sweet dreams, Sonny Boy,” I said as I caressed his cheek, “First night on earth.”

Lindsey, seeing my need to be alone with her, sent Mel out for some ice and a drink. We made our traditional cutting remarks toward one another before she shut the door behind her. I hopped into the bed next to Lindsey, even though it was hardly enough room for her.

“Alone at last!” I joked.

“Careful,” she whispered.

“Well,” I said as I touched her now empty belly, “here we are, Ma and Pa.”

Lindsey started crying. I knew this was probably her first chance to really break down since it all started, so I just wrapped my arm around her tighter and brushed her tears away with my thumb.

“Don’t mind me,” she wept, “Just feeling a little vulnerable.”

We both laughed a little and I teased, “I promise not to tell.”

“Who would have thought,” she continued trying to compose herself, “You and me parents.”

“It’s pretty scary boys and girls,” I said as I peered up at her, “Think it’s too late to return it?”

“We could try,” she said as she laughed at her own bad joke, “I guess this means we’re finally grown ups now.”

“Don’t say that Wendy,” I said, reverting to our old nicknames, “We’ll never grow up!”

“Don’t be scared,” she reassured me, “If our parents could mess up, so can we.”

I smiled at her for a moment and looked down, amazed still, at her now flat stomach. I never thought I’d care so much about one person, but I knew I wanted to make sure my son was taken care of.

“I don’t want you to worry,” I said as I looked back at her, “About money, I mean. If you need anything -”

“No,” she shook her head, “We’ll be alright But thanks.”

She smiled at me and leaned in to kiss my cheek.

“I would have screwed you, you know,” I said with a grin, “If I wasn’t afraid your lover would beat the crap out of me.”

She laughed and hushed me, “Stop!”

“I mean it. She could take out Oscar De La Renta,” I said with a laugh and only half joking.

Lindsey laughed and chucked my jaw playfully, “You mean La Hoya.”

“Whatever.”

“Well you had plenty of chances,” she said.

“I took advantage of a few, if I recall.”

“It wasn’t half bad,” she countered.

“Now you tell me! You mean I could have been straight this whole time?” I mocked.

“I wouldn’t say that,” she said as she leaned her head into mine.

“Well then I guess it’s just as well,” I smiled and leaned my forehead on hers.

We looked up at each other again, both looking for something; the missing link somewhere. We kissed, like we did when we were still in college “experimenting.”

Of course, that’s when “lover” walked in the door.

“Ice?” she said with a resounding rattle of the ice pitcher.

It was obviously my time to take my leave, so I gave Lindsey a peck on the cheek and backed slowly out of the door, away from Mel.

Due to the drugs, most everything after that was a blur. Michael took the kid and me back to the loft, after much arguing on his end. I don’t remember all of it, but I do remember how beautiful and amazing the kid was. The innocence and naivety was still there, but he was much more confident and aware of what he wanted this time around. Once we were back at the loft, we picked up right where we left off. I turned him onto his stomach this time and began to leave little kisses up and down his back. He had such beautiful and soft skin. I remember showing him exactly what rimming was in a way that I’m sure he wouldn’t forget.

Normally, I would have just shove this trick’s face into the pillow and gone for it. With him, though, for some reason I wanted it to be different. I wanted it to be special for him. I wanted him to remember my face anytime he was with someone else. I wanted a part of me to be there.

“Go slow, okay?” I remember him saying.

And I did. It was the most amazing experience. I wasn’t focused on myself that night; I was focused on him, which was surreal for me.

“I want you to always remember this,” I told him, “So that no matter who you‘re with, I’ll always be there.”

I couldn’t believe how much I actually meant that statement. I wanted to be the one he thought of whenever he was with someone else, comparing him to me, and secretly wishing I was there. It wasn’t solely my narcissism coming out in me. I truly wanted a part of me with him, wherever he was. That whole night was incredible. I didn’t want to let go of him. We would finish one round, and instead of pulling out as soon as I could, all I wanted was to just stay inside him forever. I would have to eventually, but only to replace the condom, and go for another. We were still going when the sun began to rise that morning. Finally, we collapsed on the bed in exhaustion and slept.

The next morning, I awoke in his arms. I would be lying if I said it didn’t feel right somehow, but knowing I had just broken my own rules annoyed me. When I remembered he couldn’t go home that night, I let that be my excuse and let myself off the hook. It took a few minutes to piece together the night before, and once I had, the realization that I had a son blindsided me once again.

The kid was in the shower. I knew I was going to be late, so I excused again myself for getting into the shower with him. That was definitely breaking the rules. We talked a bit about the night before while I soaped his back. He had such a beautiful body! Not an ounce of fat on him, and I bet he didn’t even work out. I’ll admit, I probably spent more time than needed soaping him, but I just wanted to feel his skin under mine for a little while longer. He turned to look at me at one point, and made some smart remark, at which point I swatted him. This was not part of the plan, but I didn’t care. Underneath my expensive soap, I could still smell a hint of that vanilla mixed with the essence of him that so intoxicated me. We kissed, slow and sensually. He looked down to see that I was quite pleased with the turn of events. His eyes grew huge and he smiled.

“You up for one more?”

One more? Whoa! This was really crossing the line. I never take a trick twice. It leaves them too clingy. But I just didn’t care; I wanted him in a way that was driving me to distraction. We spent longer in the shower than we should have, which put us even further behind schedule. He still had to get to school, and I had a meeting that morning.

Still, we took our time getting dressed; or, more specifically, me dressing him. Michael came to pick us up about an hour later, and he was obviously not pleased. He griped and whined the whole time about being late and having to take the kid to school. When we got to the jeep, which he had driven home the night before, it was obvious why he was really upset. The passenger side headlight was busted, and someone had written “Faggot” across the side; beautiful. Whatever, that morning I was in too good of a mood to care. We jumped in, and I sped down the street, toward the boy’s school.

Of course, I made a point of making a grand entrance and squealed the tires to a stop in front of the school, so everyone could see the insignia across the side. Better to play it up as best you can, rather than act embarrassed about it. This philosophy didn’t seem to agree with the kid, though. And by the looks he was getting and remarks made, I suppose I could understand.

“Hey Justin!” I heard one kid say as he grabbed himself, “You want to suck me off?” he laughed.

Something about seeing the guy mocking Justin like that made me want to pound him.

I jumped out of the car and yelled, “No, but I’ll kick you’re tight little virgin ass so hard, you won’t sit down for a week!”

That elicited a lot of laughs from the surrounding kids, and even Justin seemed impressed and perked up. He jumped out of the back seat and came around to talk to me.

“When can I see you again?”

Tonight, I wanted to say.

“You can see me right now,” I responded as I adjusted his shirt.

“I mean later. Tonight?” he asked with those same pleading eyes.

I laughed at this, trying to sound uninterested.

“Who knows where I’ll be later tonight,” I said, which was true.

“Please?” he begged.

God, why did I want to tell him yes? Why did I want to grab him and take him away right then? I couldn’t let that happen. I couldn’t open that door.

“I’ll see you in your dreams,” I said quietly.

His beautiful eyes looked unsure and disappointed. I had to look away and ignore the ache that was beginning to form in my chest. I kicked the jeep in gear and sped away.

I’ll admit it. I’d been thinking about him. When I did the guy from my meeting in the bathroom that afternoon; when I looked into my son’s face. I saw his smile and his shocking blue eyes. He was there. I was the one that was supposed to be there with him when he was with someone else. When did the rules change? I kept telling myself that he was no different from any of the other hundreds of men I’d been with. His beautiful face and innocence meant nothing. But then, I knew that wasn’t true while it was happening. A part of me knew that it was different, he was different somehow. It all left me frustrated to no end. I was snapping at everyone around me, even Michael.

When I saw him in the bar, I wanted to scream. I’d gone there to try and get my mind off of him. I wanted to have a drink with my friends and then go to the club to pick up some new trick. Yet there he was, with his too eager smile and his gorgeous eyes. I wasn’t in the mood to be civil. I grabbed a beer and leaned against the bar and gave him a bogus smile.

“So, Dawson, how are things down at the creek?”

He didn’t look to happy about that, so he didn’t say anything. The boys came back to where we were standing. We stood around and laughed about some story I told for a bit. Somehow, the conversation got around to my age, when the kid made the stupid mistake of guessing how old I was.

“Thirty-three?”

The little twat. I tried to play it off, but inside I wasn’t too happy to have him guessing I was already past thirty. Age was a big deal for me at this time, as it probably is for most men when they are about to turn thirty. I had yet to come to terms with the idea that I couldn’t stay young forever.

I had suddenly lost my taste for the present company, so I left the bar. Of course, Michael came running after me, whining about being stuck with the kid again. Couldn’t everyone just lay off for once? I didn’t think I could handle much more. Before I blew up in Michael’s face, I hugged him and jumped in the jeep to leave.

I considered going to Babylon, but figured that’s where the boys would be headed and didn’t think I could handle an evening with them at the moment, so I decided to try this website someone had told me about that listed local single men in the area. I browsed for a while until I found a guy that looked like he’d be able to help me forget my frustrations for the evening.

Unfortunately, the dramatic portion of the evening wasn’t finished yet. That’s when he showed up at my doorstep. I wanted to curse him for not knowing when to give up. I tried to send him on his way, but after being guilted into talking to him by the guy from the net, of all people, I went to talk to him.

“Hey! I just left a complete stranger alone in my apartment to come talk to you,” I said as I padded down the street after him in my bare feet, “so don’t run away from me.”

He tried opening his door, which I proceeded to block with my hand. For the first time, he didn’t seem interested in talking.

“We need to get something straight,” I continued.

“You don’t do boyfriends.”

“Oh, Mikey’s been talking to you.”

He turned to look at me with those huge puppy-dog eyes that made my stomach twist into knots. No, I will not let him do this to me again.

“He’s ugly! You don’t even know him! And I, I thought-”

“Justin,” wow, I said his name, “I’ve had you. What happened last night was for fun. You wanted me, and I wanted you.”

More than I’d like to admit.

“That’s all it was.”

His eyes started to water and he looked away from me. I could tell this was hurting him. Why did that bother me so much?

“Look, I don’t believe in love, I believe in sex. It’s honest. I get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bull.”

What was happening to me? Staring into his eyes, a part of my wanted to take him in my arms right there and kiss him, forgetting everything I’d just told him. This was not supposed to be happening!

I licked my lips to compose my thoughts.

“Love is something straight people tell themselves they’re in so they can get laid. Then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that’s what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl, and get married.”

I hated the tears I saw beginning to brim his eyes. I hated what they were doing to my resolve. I hated the pain I saw there. I hated that it made me ache to hold him until it was gone. Most of all, I hated myself, for being the one to cause it. But I wasn’t going to let him get any further than he had. He couldn’t stay. He was good, sweet and innocent. He needed someone who could be all those things to him. Not someone who was selfish and who had more baggage than most pre-madonna’s. So whatever I had to do to get rid of him, I was going to.

“That’s not what I want. I want you.”

There goes that heart compression again.

“You can’t have me, I’m too-” I stopped.

No way was I going there.

“You’re too young for me. You’re seventeen, I’m twenty-eight.”

He smiled a little, which made my heart jump slightly.

“You’re twenty-nine.”

I smiled back at him for a moment. His smiles truly were contagious.

“Okay, twenty-nine.”

Then I grew serious again, “All the more reason.”

I clenched my jaw and looked down for a moment. This was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. I pushed away from the car and backed away.

“Now go do your homework,” I said coldly.

He looked at me for a moment, and then the tears that had been threatening to spill over came like a flood down his face. He got in the car and sped away.

It felt like someone had taken a butter knife and sliced it through my chest and was trying to cut my heart out. I felt like I had just lost something crucial. As he drove off, somehow I knew he was taking a piece of me with him.