Can't
Author: trickster_
Dare: What happened to Brian and Justin if Babylon never exploded.
Warning/Rating: Spoilers for S5.
"I never thought I'd say this," said Ted, "but I'll be glad when Brian gets back."
As soon as the name was said, Michael was rolling his eyes. Ted didn't even have to finish the sentence. "Don't be," he said, a little more harshly than he needed to.
This conversation was becoming a familiar one, which was why Justin was getting less and less comfortable doing things like meeting the boys at Woody's. He'd only gone tonight because he knew Michael would be there, and getting Michael out these days was a rarity. Mentions of Brian didn't bother Justin, but Michael's constant criticism put him on the defensive, and that did bother him.
"When's he getting back?" he asked, ignoring Michael.
"Friday, I think," Ted answered, and there was a time that Justin would be the one person that didn't have to get an answer from Ted. "And then I can go to work without wanting to tear out what's left of my hair."
"Why worry about work when he can go fuck something new every hour?" That, of course, from Michael.
"You need to relax," Emmett said. "He's Brian. It's what he does."
"It was a celebratory trip," Ted added. "Let him have it."
Emmett raised an eyebrow. "What's he celebrating, one million customers served?"
Ted paused, looking at Justin before quickly looking away. "He didn't say anything to any of you?"
"Say what?"
"He's got a clean bill of health," Ted told them. "No more cancer."
It was impressive how stung Justin felt by that.
He'd stuck with Brian through the cancer as much as he possibly could. He'd been there through doctor's appointments and radiation and tried to help when Brian was too tired or sick or traumatized to get it up. And Brian had told him about Australia. He'd just neglected to mention why.
"It's not exactly celebrating if you pick up a special new disease," said Michael after this had sunk in.
Justin bit his tongue, and left as soon as he finished his drink.
*****
Brian awoke to jet lag and an otherwise empty bed, and decided that he could always get drunk, pass out, and wake up again, this time with a hangover.
He wasn't looking forward to rejoining the real world. They would only tell him what an asshole was for not showing up to the fucking benefit, like letting them use his club was more of a reason to go instead of less of one. Out there Michael wasn't going to give a fuck that he'd done it. He'd be more pissed off that Brian had chosen to go to Australia, because Mikey was all about righteous indignation and Brian hatred these days. Melanie and Lindsay would probably have words for him; at least it would be something they could agree on. And he highly doubted Justin cared at all anymore.
For the briefest of moments, he had considered not getting on the plane home.
Brian stumbled out of bed and over to the kitchen. When he returned to the bedroom, he brought a bottle of something or other with him.
*****
Ted actually hugged him when he got into the office. "Aw, you missed me," said Brian, and escaped the embrace as soon as possible.
"It's been hell," Ted told him. "Add in some repentant sinners and it's a level of Dante's inferno."
"No one here's repentant."
"That's what I'm saying. How was gay Mardi Gras?"
"Fantastic," Brian said. "Out with it. How are you burning down my company?"
"It crossed my mind once or twice. Emmett's been by twice now to try to talk me into rehiring Drew."
Of course he did. Ted was much more sympathetic to that sort of thing. If he caved, Brian would have to do something drastic. "And?"
Ted shrugged. "I wish I could do something, but I can't. It's not right, but it's business. First photo shoot went great, by the way. And one of our newer clients, Feldstaff? Their model was caught by paparazzi leaving some gay club in Chelsea. They want to go the way of Brown Athletics. Drop him and find someone new and very straight."
Brian thought about it. "How much are they worth to us?"
"New company, only really bringing in business because of the name attached to their ads? Couple hundred thousand."
"Fuck them," Brian decided. "They'll keep their big name and keep making money, or they'll drop him and die and we won't want them anyway."
Ted nodded. "I was hoping you would say that. There have been a couple fires here and there, but we've been putting them out as they pop up. Cynthia called out today, by the way."
"How's her mother?" he asked.
"Out of the hospital. Cynthia's playing nursemaid whenever she's not calling the office eighty times a day."
"I know, I've been getting the E-mails," Brian said, and smiled. No one could say he hired bad workers. He'd call her later and threaten to fire her if she didn't stop. "How's the fiance?"
"Huh? Oh, Lewis?" Ted asked, looking surprised at the question. "It was okay, but he spent two dates on the verge of a panic attack."
"Not the heavy breathing you want to hear."
"No. I'm starting to think if I'm going to date anyone, they have to be less fucked up than me."
Brian almost told him good luck, but bit his tongue. Ted didn't deserve it.
When Ted did bring up the benefit, it was only to say, "You didn't miss a thing."
*****
"You're really going to do this," said Jennifer slowly.
Justin nodded. "Yeah. I'm going to do this."
She sighed, and Justin knew she was trying really hard to be happy and supportive while resisting the urge to chain him to the diner table to keep him from moving. Anywhere. Ever. "Honey, it's so far away..."
"It's a long car ride or a short flight," Justin said. "I'm young, I've got nothing tying me down... If I don't do this now, when will I ever have a chance again?"
"What are you going to do for money? Do you even have a place to stay?"
"Daphne has a friend I can stay with," he said, already prepared for the barrage of motherly questions. "I'll get a job. My Rage money will hold me over for a little while."
"Not forever."
"I'll be fine, Mom."
Jennifer sighed again. "Fine. I just don't want you to go!"
Justin felt really bad about this for the first time.
He heard the door open, but it was the look on Jennifer's face when she looked past him that told him who it was walking in. Brian did glance over and send him a wan smile that fucking killed Justin a little bit, but the fact that Jennifer was there was probably what kept him from actually coming over. It wasn't like Brian had ever been able to ignore him.
As he passed by, though, Justin said, "Hi," before he could stop himself.
Brian looked as surprised by the greeting as Justin felt. "Hi."
"I didn't know you were back," he said, though he'd known when he was getting back in. He just hadn't seen him. He wondered if Brian was avoiding him or if somewhere along the line they'd just started to run in different circles.
"I've been here for a little while," Brian replied, but it wasn't really an answer. "Hi, Jennifer."
"Hi, Brian," she said, and busied herself with stirring her coffee so they could suffer through this without her.
"How was it?" Justin asked.
"It was all right." That had to be a lie. It was fucking fantastic and Justin knew it, and Brian wouldn't tell him that. "I can't really talk. I have to get to a meeting."
"Right," Justin said, and let him go to the counter to get his order to go. He made a point not to watch him, especially as he left. That might have been more conspicuous than following his every move.
Jennifer didn't say a word.
Justin sipped his coffee. "Besides," he said. "It'll be good to get a fresh start."
*****
Brian kissed Gus good night and let Lindsay take him upstairs to bed, even though he offered to do it. He didn't know what she and Melanie thought they were doing, but they both seemed very possessive of their respective kid, and Brian wasn't about to get in the middle of that. Let them work it out for themselves, move into separate places, shuffle the kids around if it made everyone happy, but he had his own life to fuck up.
He'd gotten through the Art Forum article twice before Lindsay rejoined him in the living room. "Interesting read," he said, tossing the magazine back onto the coffee table.
Lindsay didn't even need to ask. She sat down on the other end of the sofa, saying, "The critic loved him."
"Good."
"Have you talked to Justin lately?" she asked after a pause.
"Not in a while," Brian told her. He tried not to sound bitter when he said, "Why should I?"
"Are you talking to anyone anymore?"
Brian shook his head. "Not really. Everyone pisses me off."
Lindsay again didn't ask questions, because she was lately on the verge of being one of the people he didn't talk to. Maybe if it weren't for Gus, he wouldn't bother with her, either. "You really should talk to him, Brian."
"And everyone should stop trying to tell me what the fuck to do," he said loudly, sharply, immediately wishing he hadn't. "I'm not sixteen, as you all keep telling me."
"He's leaving," said Lindsay.
Brian thought his heart may have actually stopped. "What?"
"He's moving to New York."
In a split second, Brian both shattered into a million pieces and pulled himself back together. "Why? Because some critic in a fucking magazine told him he should?" he asked, more angrily than he'd intended.
"He's got an opportunity," said Lindsay, using a calm tone that probably worked wonders on the kids. "People are finally beginning to see that he deserves more."
He tried not to feel slapped.
"I'm just suggesting that you talk to him," she finished.
Brian shook his head. He wasn't fucking saying goodbye to Justin. "We've said everything that needs to be said."
"No, you haven't."
He stood up because he couldn't sit there anymore, and he had no idea why he didn't walk out right then, adding Lindsay to the list of people he couldn't handle these days. "Not you, too."
"I'm not saying to drop everything to rush over there and convince him to stay. I encouraged him to go," Lindsay confessed.
Right then, he hated her. "Fuck, Lindsay."
"It's what he wants. But for yourself, just..."
"Drop it," he told her, and that was the end of that subject.
*****
"Are you even going to tell him?" Michael asked from the middle of the floor in the studio. Justin had never gotten around to acquiring chairs.
Justin taped up the last box he was packing tonight. He didn't own a lot of stuff, but it seemed like he did at the moment. He spent four years of his life shuffling from house to house, state to state, person to person. He'd learned how to travel light, though the art supplies were going to have to be shipped to him via Jennifer once he got settled. Things like packing kept him focused. Or distracted.
"I don't owe him anything," Justin said. "It'll probably just cause problems, anyway." Honestly, though, he was more afraid that it wouldn't, that Brian would hear he was leaving and let him go without a word.
"After everything you've been through, though..." Michael said.
Standing, trying to stretch his back from hunching over boxes, Justin said, "You're actually advocating that I talk to the person you won't fucking talk to."
"It's not about me."
He would have let it pass, but wasn't sure that he actually could. "You should talk to him," Justin said.
"No fucking way."
He tried not to roll his eyes. "You said he tried to apologize."
"It was bullshit. He didn't mean it."
"How many times have you ever heard Brian apologize for anything?" Justin asked him. "You think he'd even try if he didn't mean it?"
Michael didn't say anything.
"Just fix it, Michael. You worry about you and Brian."
"And you worry about you and Brian?"
Justin didn't look at him when he said, "There is no me and Brian."
*****
Brian tried not to wince as he heard something crash, or at least knock hard enough against something else to make him wonder how much that would cost him. "Find out how bad that was," he told Ted.
"I'm not your minion, you know," Ted said.
Another crash, and Ted scurried off to handle the problem.
"Hey."
Brian's eyebrows were raised even before he turned around. "I wasn't aware you still frequented places of debauchery," he said coolly.
"Only in the daytime," Michael replied, standing off to Brian's side to watch the work on Babylon's new sound system. "Look... Brian..."
"Believe it or not, this is work, not play," said Brian. He didn't feel like a verbal assault today. Not from anyone. Especially not from Michael.
Michael paused. "Justin's moving to New York."
Fuck. Not this. "I know," Brian nodded.
"And that's it?"
"He's not my anything anymore," he said. "He can do whatever he wants. Good luck to him." He meant that.
MIchael shook his head. "You're fucking impossible."
"Yeah." He could hear Ted yelling at one of the workers.
"Can't you just..."
Brian turned to look down at him. "You know me," he bit out. "You know who I am. Don't pretend you haven't always known that. Why should I make myself miserable so Justin- or you- can be happy with me?"
Michael had no answer for that. "I shouldn't have bothered," he muttered, and spun on his heel.
After he left, Brian said, "No, you shouldn't have."
*****
The trick was getting dressed when Brian went to answer the door, barely managing to get his pants on first. And of all the people it could have been, he hadn't been expecting Justin.
Looking over Brian's shoulder, Justin said, "I can come back."
"He was just leaving," replied Brian.
The guy couldn't have been any slower in getting his shit together and leaving. Brian thought he might have been taking for-fucking-ever on purpose.
Brian let Justin in, closing the door after the trick. "Good to see you're doing okay," Justin said with a wry smile.
"As always," Brian said. He flashed a quick smile back at him. "I heard about New York. Congratulations."
"I haven't done anything yet."
"You're getting out of here. Congratulations." He was going to need alcohol for this. Just not too much. "Come to say farewell?" he asked as he looked in vain for the bottle of Jim Beam he'd finished the other night.
"More or less," said Justin.
"Don't." There wasn't enough alcohol in the world.
"Brian..."
"If you're going to leave, leave. I'm not going to apologize, or beg you to stay."
"I didn't expect you to," Justin assured him. Obviously remembering a time before, he asked, "You won't think of me?"
Brian said, "No." It was the biggest fucking lie he'd ever told.
Apparently Justin had prepared himself for that answer. He didn't do anything. He didn't yell or cry or call him an asshole. He looked around the loft, anywhere but at Brian. "I never thought I would be going instead of you. Without you."
"You're fucking doing this regardless," Brian said. He would put Justin on that flight himself if it came to that. Justin wasn't made for this. He was made for bigger and better things than Brian could give him.
"I'm not trying to get you to make me stay."
"I wouldn't try. You're good, Justin. You're really fucking good. If this is what you want to do, do it. I hope it works out for you."
Justin swallowed. "Really?"
"Really."
The facade crumbled a little, Justin raking his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "It's just..."
"Don't freak yourself out," Brian snapped. "Don't think twice about it. Don't look back."
"We're not all like you," Justin said.
And that was the problem. Maybe it was just Brian's problem.
"I should go."
A very small but insistent part of Brian wanted to shove him into the wall and kiss the life out of him, fuck him until he said he'd never leave and it was okay, that everything would be all right, that he was fine with who Brian was and always was and always would be.
Brian didn't do any of that.
Justin met his eyes, and turned to leave.
His hand was reaching to slide the door open when Brian heard himself say, "Justin?"
"Yeah," Justin asked, and he sounded hopeful.
He would have said it. He would have said it and he would have meant it. It was just that he couldn't. "Take care of yourself," he said, hearing his voice straining a little with the words.
Justin nodded. He'd probably also prepared himself for that. "You, too," he said, and with the sound of the door sliding shut behind him, he was gone.
Dare: What happened to Brian and Justin if Babylon never exploded.
Warning/Rating: Spoilers for S5.
"I never thought I'd say this," said Ted, "but I'll be glad when Brian gets back."
As soon as the name was said, Michael was rolling his eyes. Ted didn't even have to finish the sentence. "Don't be," he said, a little more harshly than he needed to.
This conversation was becoming a familiar one, which was why Justin was getting less and less comfortable doing things like meeting the boys at Woody's. He'd only gone tonight because he knew Michael would be there, and getting Michael out these days was a rarity. Mentions of Brian didn't bother Justin, but Michael's constant criticism put him on the defensive, and that did bother him.
"When's he getting back?" he asked, ignoring Michael.
"Friday, I think," Ted answered, and there was a time that Justin would be the one person that didn't have to get an answer from Ted. "And then I can go to work without wanting to tear out what's left of my hair."
"Why worry about work when he can go fuck something new every hour?" That, of course, from Michael.
"You need to relax," Emmett said. "He's Brian. It's what he does."
"It was a celebratory trip," Ted added. "Let him have it."
Emmett raised an eyebrow. "What's he celebrating, one million customers served?"
Ted paused, looking at Justin before quickly looking away. "He didn't say anything to any of you?"
"Say what?"
"He's got a clean bill of health," Ted told them. "No more cancer."
It was impressive how stung Justin felt by that.
He'd stuck with Brian through the cancer as much as he possibly could. He'd been there through doctor's appointments and radiation and tried to help when Brian was too tired or sick or traumatized to get it up. And Brian had told him about Australia. He'd just neglected to mention why.
"It's not exactly celebrating if you pick up a special new disease," said Michael after this had sunk in.
Justin bit his tongue, and left as soon as he finished his drink.
*****
Brian awoke to jet lag and an otherwise empty bed, and decided that he could always get drunk, pass out, and wake up again, this time with a hangover.
He wasn't looking forward to rejoining the real world. They would only tell him what an asshole was for not showing up to the fucking benefit, like letting them use his club was more of a reason to go instead of less of one. Out there Michael wasn't going to give a fuck that he'd done it. He'd be more pissed off that Brian had chosen to go to Australia, because Mikey was all about righteous indignation and Brian hatred these days. Melanie and Lindsay would probably have words for him; at least it would be something they could agree on. And he highly doubted Justin cared at all anymore.
For the briefest of moments, he had considered not getting on the plane home.
Brian stumbled out of bed and over to the kitchen. When he returned to the bedroom, he brought a bottle of something or other with him.
*****
Ted actually hugged him when he got into the office. "Aw, you missed me," said Brian, and escaped the embrace as soon as possible.
"It's been hell," Ted told him. "Add in some repentant sinners and it's a level of Dante's inferno."
"No one here's repentant."
"That's what I'm saying. How was gay Mardi Gras?"
"Fantastic," Brian said. "Out with it. How are you burning down my company?"
"It crossed my mind once or twice. Emmett's been by twice now to try to talk me into rehiring Drew."
Of course he did. Ted was much more sympathetic to that sort of thing. If he caved, Brian would have to do something drastic. "And?"
Ted shrugged. "I wish I could do something, but I can't. It's not right, but it's business. First photo shoot went great, by the way. And one of our newer clients, Feldstaff? Their model was caught by paparazzi leaving some gay club in Chelsea. They want to go the way of Brown Athletics. Drop him and find someone new and very straight."
Brian thought about it. "How much are they worth to us?"
"New company, only really bringing in business because of the name attached to their ads? Couple hundred thousand."
"Fuck them," Brian decided. "They'll keep their big name and keep making money, or they'll drop him and die and we won't want them anyway."
Ted nodded. "I was hoping you would say that. There have been a couple fires here and there, but we've been putting them out as they pop up. Cynthia called out today, by the way."
"How's her mother?" he asked.
"Out of the hospital. Cynthia's playing nursemaid whenever she's not calling the office eighty times a day."
"I know, I've been getting the E-mails," Brian said, and smiled. No one could say he hired bad workers. He'd call her later and threaten to fire her if she didn't stop. "How's the fiance?"
"Huh? Oh, Lewis?" Ted asked, looking surprised at the question. "It was okay, but he spent two dates on the verge of a panic attack."
"Not the heavy breathing you want to hear."
"No. I'm starting to think if I'm going to date anyone, they have to be less fucked up than me."
Brian almost told him good luck, but bit his tongue. Ted didn't deserve it.
When Ted did bring up the benefit, it was only to say, "You didn't miss a thing."
*****
"You're really going to do this," said Jennifer slowly.
Justin nodded. "Yeah. I'm going to do this."
She sighed, and Justin knew she was trying really hard to be happy and supportive while resisting the urge to chain him to the diner table to keep him from moving. Anywhere. Ever. "Honey, it's so far away..."
"It's a long car ride or a short flight," Justin said. "I'm young, I've got nothing tying me down... If I don't do this now, when will I ever have a chance again?"
"What are you going to do for money? Do you even have a place to stay?"
"Daphne has a friend I can stay with," he said, already prepared for the barrage of motherly questions. "I'll get a job. My Rage money will hold me over for a little while."
"Not forever."
"I'll be fine, Mom."
Jennifer sighed again. "Fine. I just don't want you to go!"
Justin felt really bad about this for the first time.
He heard the door open, but it was the look on Jennifer's face when she looked past him that told him who it was walking in. Brian did glance over and send him a wan smile that fucking killed Justin a little bit, but the fact that Jennifer was there was probably what kept him from actually coming over. It wasn't like Brian had ever been able to ignore him.
As he passed by, though, Justin said, "Hi," before he could stop himself.
Brian looked as surprised by the greeting as Justin felt. "Hi."
"I didn't know you were back," he said, though he'd known when he was getting back in. He just hadn't seen him. He wondered if Brian was avoiding him or if somewhere along the line they'd just started to run in different circles.
"I've been here for a little while," Brian replied, but it wasn't really an answer. "Hi, Jennifer."
"Hi, Brian," she said, and busied herself with stirring her coffee so they could suffer through this without her.
"How was it?" Justin asked.
"It was all right." That had to be a lie. It was fucking fantastic and Justin knew it, and Brian wouldn't tell him that. "I can't really talk. I have to get to a meeting."
"Right," Justin said, and let him go to the counter to get his order to go. He made a point not to watch him, especially as he left. That might have been more conspicuous than following his every move.
Jennifer didn't say a word.
Justin sipped his coffee. "Besides," he said. "It'll be good to get a fresh start."
*****
Brian kissed Gus good night and let Lindsay take him upstairs to bed, even though he offered to do it. He didn't know what she and Melanie thought they were doing, but they both seemed very possessive of their respective kid, and Brian wasn't about to get in the middle of that. Let them work it out for themselves, move into separate places, shuffle the kids around if it made everyone happy, but he had his own life to fuck up.
He'd gotten through the Art Forum article twice before Lindsay rejoined him in the living room. "Interesting read," he said, tossing the magazine back onto the coffee table.
Lindsay didn't even need to ask. She sat down on the other end of the sofa, saying, "The critic loved him."
"Good."
"Have you talked to Justin lately?" she asked after a pause.
"Not in a while," Brian told her. He tried not to sound bitter when he said, "Why should I?"
"Are you talking to anyone anymore?"
Brian shook his head. "Not really. Everyone pisses me off."
Lindsay again didn't ask questions, because she was lately on the verge of being one of the people he didn't talk to. Maybe if it weren't for Gus, he wouldn't bother with her, either. "You really should talk to him, Brian."
"And everyone should stop trying to tell me what the fuck to do," he said loudly, sharply, immediately wishing he hadn't. "I'm not sixteen, as you all keep telling me."
"He's leaving," said Lindsay.
Brian thought his heart may have actually stopped. "What?"
"He's moving to New York."
In a split second, Brian both shattered into a million pieces and pulled himself back together. "Why? Because some critic in a fucking magazine told him he should?" he asked, more angrily than he'd intended.
"He's got an opportunity," said Lindsay, using a calm tone that probably worked wonders on the kids. "People are finally beginning to see that he deserves more."
He tried not to feel slapped.
"I'm just suggesting that you talk to him," she finished.
Brian shook his head. He wasn't fucking saying goodbye to Justin. "We've said everything that needs to be said."
"No, you haven't."
He stood up because he couldn't sit there anymore, and he had no idea why he didn't walk out right then, adding Lindsay to the list of people he couldn't handle these days. "Not you, too."
"I'm not saying to drop everything to rush over there and convince him to stay. I encouraged him to go," Lindsay confessed.
Right then, he hated her. "Fuck, Lindsay."
"It's what he wants. But for yourself, just..."
"Drop it," he told her, and that was the end of that subject.
*****
"Are you even going to tell him?" Michael asked from the middle of the floor in the studio. Justin had never gotten around to acquiring chairs.
Justin taped up the last box he was packing tonight. He didn't own a lot of stuff, but it seemed like he did at the moment. He spent four years of his life shuffling from house to house, state to state, person to person. He'd learned how to travel light, though the art supplies were going to have to be shipped to him via Jennifer once he got settled. Things like packing kept him focused. Or distracted.
"I don't owe him anything," Justin said. "It'll probably just cause problems, anyway." Honestly, though, he was more afraid that it wouldn't, that Brian would hear he was leaving and let him go without a word.
"After everything you've been through, though..." Michael said.
Standing, trying to stretch his back from hunching over boxes, Justin said, "You're actually advocating that I talk to the person you won't fucking talk to."
"It's not about me."
He would have let it pass, but wasn't sure that he actually could. "You should talk to him," Justin said.
"No fucking way."
He tried not to roll his eyes. "You said he tried to apologize."
"It was bullshit. He didn't mean it."
"How many times have you ever heard Brian apologize for anything?" Justin asked him. "You think he'd even try if he didn't mean it?"
Michael didn't say anything.
"Just fix it, Michael. You worry about you and Brian."
"And you worry about you and Brian?"
Justin didn't look at him when he said, "There is no me and Brian."
*****
Brian tried not to wince as he heard something crash, or at least knock hard enough against something else to make him wonder how much that would cost him. "Find out how bad that was," he told Ted.
"I'm not your minion, you know," Ted said.
Another crash, and Ted scurried off to handle the problem.
"Hey."
Brian's eyebrows were raised even before he turned around. "I wasn't aware you still frequented places of debauchery," he said coolly.
"Only in the daytime," Michael replied, standing off to Brian's side to watch the work on Babylon's new sound system. "Look... Brian..."
"Believe it or not, this is work, not play," said Brian. He didn't feel like a verbal assault today. Not from anyone. Especially not from Michael.
Michael paused. "Justin's moving to New York."
Fuck. Not this. "I know," Brian nodded.
"And that's it?"
"He's not my anything anymore," he said. "He can do whatever he wants. Good luck to him." He meant that.
MIchael shook his head. "You're fucking impossible."
"Yeah." He could hear Ted yelling at one of the workers.
"Can't you just..."
Brian turned to look down at him. "You know me," he bit out. "You know who I am. Don't pretend you haven't always known that. Why should I make myself miserable so Justin- or you- can be happy with me?"
Michael had no answer for that. "I shouldn't have bothered," he muttered, and spun on his heel.
After he left, Brian said, "No, you shouldn't have."
*****
The trick was getting dressed when Brian went to answer the door, barely managing to get his pants on first. And of all the people it could have been, he hadn't been expecting Justin.
Looking over Brian's shoulder, Justin said, "I can come back."
"He was just leaving," replied Brian.
The guy couldn't have been any slower in getting his shit together and leaving. Brian thought he might have been taking for-fucking-ever on purpose.
Brian let Justin in, closing the door after the trick. "Good to see you're doing okay," Justin said with a wry smile.
"As always," Brian said. He flashed a quick smile back at him. "I heard about New York. Congratulations."
"I haven't done anything yet."
"You're getting out of here. Congratulations." He was going to need alcohol for this. Just not too much. "Come to say farewell?" he asked as he looked in vain for the bottle of Jim Beam he'd finished the other night.
"More or less," said Justin.
"Don't." There wasn't enough alcohol in the world.
"Brian..."
"If you're going to leave, leave. I'm not going to apologize, or beg you to stay."
"I didn't expect you to," Justin assured him. Obviously remembering a time before, he asked, "You won't think of me?"
Brian said, "No." It was the biggest fucking lie he'd ever told.
Apparently Justin had prepared himself for that answer. He didn't do anything. He didn't yell or cry or call him an asshole. He looked around the loft, anywhere but at Brian. "I never thought I would be going instead of you. Without you."
"You're fucking doing this regardless," Brian said. He would put Justin on that flight himself if it came to that. Justin wasn't made for this. He was made for bigger and better things than Brian could give him.
"I'm not trying to get you to make me stay."
"I wouldn't try. You're good, Justin. You're really fucking good. If this is what you want to do, do it. I hope it works out for you."
Justin swallowed. "Really?"
"Really."
The facade crumbled a little, Justin raking his fingers through his hair, shaking his head. "It's just..."
"Don't freak yourself out," Brian snapped. "Don't think twice about it. Don't look back."
"We're not all like you," Justin said.
And that was the problem. Maybe it was just Brian's problem.
"I should go."
A very small but insistent part of Brian wanted to shove him into the wall and kiss the life out of him, fuck him until he said he'd never leave and it was okay, that everything would be all right, that he was fine with who Brian was and always was and always would be.
Brian didn't do any of that.
Justin met his eyes, and turned to leave.
His hand was reaching to slide the door open when Brian heard himself say, "Justin?"
"Yeah," Justin asked, and he sounded hopeful.
He would have said it. He would have said it and he would have meant it. It was just that he couldn't. "Take care of yourself," he said, hearing his voice straining a little with the words.
Justin nodded. He'd probably also prepared himself for that. "You, too," he said, and with the sound of the door sliding shut behind him, he was gone.