Where Do We Belong
Author: _mixed_media_
Author's Note: Um, I’m sure that this isn’t at all what the person who wrote this dare had in mind - I barely had it in mind until a day ago. Please forgive me. It was the closest I could get. :)
Dare: "A believable fic about Hunter finally bagging Brian!"
Warning/Rating: Implied sex, S5 spoilers
This never happened.
Justin never went to New York, and he never looked back and regretted the fact that he had not gone back to Pittsburgh.
Brian never had a relapse, and he never ended things permanently with Justin so that Justin wouldn’t find out about the cancer and decide to come back.
Michael never listened to Brian’s adamant instruction that Justin was not to be told a word, and he never spent sleepless nights at the loft taking care of his friend.
Ben never got sick, and he never told Michael that he was sorry for putting him through this.
Hunter never had to cope with losing a dad he had grown to love, to a disease that could take him, too, and he never cried into his pillow at night so that Michael wouldn’t hear him.
None of this ever happened.
---
What really happened was this:
Brian got sick again, but in a new spot, and spent another chunk of his life lying on his bathroom floor, being cared for by someone who loved him unconditionally. When he got better, he turned and tried to hold himself up so that Michael could lean on him.
Justin called with the news that he’d gotten a semi-permanent job in Europe, and needed Brian to send anything that he’d possibly forgotten to send in the past fifteen months that they’d been apart. He didn’t get a call from Brian when Ben got sick, but this time it was because Brian was spending all his time looking out for Michael.
Michael first became Brian’s grace, doing everything he needed, from cleaning up his vomit to not letting Justin know about the new cells. He matured, Brian noted, and there’s a good possibility that he wouldn’t have made it through what happened to Ben if he hadn’t had to first be there for Brian. When Michael had to learn how to take care of Ben, to become his grace, his mother and Brian learned how to take care of him, and he had hands underneath him when he had to fall apart.
Ben collapsed in class again one day, and it signified the beginning of the end for him. Michael stayed with him every second, and when it became clear that there was nothing that could be done, Brian made sure that Ben and Michael could spend their time together in their home.
Hunter stayed in Pittsburgh for school, and when Ben got sick he learned what nauseating fear truly felt like. On the morning that Ben never woke up, he comforted Michael the way he needed to be comforted himself, swallowing the cry that tried to escape his throat.
---
Ben’s funeral is like nothing Brian has experienced; it’s even different from Vic’s. He wonders if he would be dealing with it better if Justin were there, and doesn’t even try to brush away the thought. He misses him a lot, and thinks about calling him more frequently than he would like.
Michael starts spending all his time with Deb, and Brian finds himself being needed
less and less. For whatever reason, he feels like he is the most solitary he’s been in decades, and it’s a chilling feeling. He remembers his talk with Lindsay about knowing he’s alive because of what people expect from him and thinks that right now, he could be dead and not know it.
---
Hunter starts coming over in the evenings while Michael’s with Debbie. Sometimes Brian will come home to find a blonde teenager waiting outside his door, and he wonders exactly what about his life isn’t a repeat of something that’s occurred before.
Hunter talks about Ben, and the way Michael used to be before Ben died, and Brian has to remind himself that Hunter needs to do this in order to cope. When Hunter talks about having HIV, Brian doesn’t know what to say that is reassuring, so he asks questions instead. Hunter answers some and seems not to hear others, looking away or asking Brian questions of his own.
“What’s the most scared you’ve ever been in your life?”
“Babylon.” Brian’s not ashamed to admit that he was fucking terrified that night. He won’t tell anyone, though, that he was more afraid on the night that he called Justin and told him that it was through - afraid that Justin would come back for some reason, afraid that maybe he wouldn’t care, and afraid that that would be the last time they ever spoke.
Hunter nods quickly. “You really need him back here, don’t you?”
He tilts his head a little, and Brian thinks that it’s unfair that he can be seen through that easily.
Hunter pauses, but then opens his mouth again.
“For me, I used to think it was when I was on the streets, that I’d die out there,” he says softly, “but now I think that it was when I realized what this thing inside me can do. I mean, what it did to Vic, and to Ben-”
Hunter lets the tears fall and Brian, unsure what to do, puts a hand on his shoulder and draws him into an awkward hug.
They sit for minutes, Hunter gasping and choking, and Brian wishing so hard that the little body he is holding were a different one.
The kiss is a shock to both of them, and Brian doesn’t know who started it. They pull back and stare at each other for a split second, but don’t hesitate as they move back to join lips, tongues, and spit together in a mess of clashing teeth.
Brian is angry all of a sudden; not with Hunter directly, but enough so that he wants to take it out on the boy. He grabs Hunter’s hair roughly and forces him up onto his knees. Their lips battle for space, hands stretch and slide, hips roll and buck.
Brian feels so external from the situation, and watches it from the other end of the couch, unmoving and observant, as unobtrusive as possible.
Hunter is crying again all of a sudden, and Brian feels helpless. Sex is still all he knows sometimes, and he doesn’t know what to do to fix this. He pulls the small frame beneath his own, and stares hard into his eyes.
“We shouldn’t do this.” There isn’t a tone to the statement; it’s simply floated out there, and Brian the observer draws a breath and waits for what comes next.
Nothing follows, so he sits up and rubs his mouth, a dull ache dripping over his temples and spreading behind his eye sockets.
Days slide by.
A look passes between the two of them, silently acknowledging that this won’t be mentioned, and that it won’t happen again.
“You should call him.”
Brian nods, knowing that he’s right, and looks at Hunter sideways, smiling slightly.
“Yeah.” The word rolls around in his mouth, and he thinks maybe he’ll actually do it this time. “Yeah. I should.”
The air is heavy in the loft, and Hunter stretches his legs out, lifting them parallel to the floor.
“I should go. Michael will probably be home soon.” Brian nods again, and rubs his palms over his knees.
“I’ll drive you.”
---
When Brian pulls up in front of the house, the porch light is on, and he remembers the light on Debbie’s porch from his childhood.
Hunter’s only words as he opens the door are, “Thanks, Brian. Night,” and Brian only feels more detached from himself.
As he watches Hunter make his way to the door, though, he feels slightly more alive than he’s felt lately.
He hears the latch click shut, and he starts the engine again, wending his way back through the rain-slicked streets.
The streetlights glow silently in the still black air.
None of this ever happened.
Author's Note: Um, I’m sure that this isn’t at all what the person who wrote this dare had in mind - I barely had it in mind until a day ago. Please forgive me. It was the closest I could get. :)
Dare: "A believable fic about Hunter finally bagging Brian!"
Warning/Rating: Implied sex, S5 spoilers
This never happened.
Justin never went to New York, and he never looked back and regretted the fact that he had not gone back to Pittsburgh.
Brian never had a relapse, and he never ended things permanently with Justin so that Justin wouldn’t find out about the cancer and decide to come back.
Michael never listened to Brian’s adamant instruction that Justin was not to be told a word, and he never spent sleepless nights at the loft taking care of his friend.
Ben never got sick, and he never told Michael that he was sorry for putting him through this.
Hunter never had to cope with losing a dad he had grown to love, to a disease that could take him, too, and he never cried into his pillow at night so that Michael wouldn’t hear him.
None of this ever happened.
---
What really happened was this:
Brian got sick again, but in a new spot, and spent another chunk of his life lying on his bathroom floor, being cared for by someone who loved him unconditionally. When he got better, he turned and tried to hold himself up so that Michael could lean on him.
Justin called with the news that he’d gotten a semi-permanent job in Europe, and needed Brian to send anything that he’d possibly forgotten to send in the past fifteen months that they’d been apart. He didn’t get a call from Brian when Ben got sick, but this time it was because Brian was spending all his time looking out for Michael.
Michael first became Brian’s grace, doing everything he needed, from cleaning up his vomit to not letting Justin know about the new cells. He matured, Brian noted, and there’s a good possibility that he wouldn’t have made it through what happened to Ben if he hadn’t had to first be there for Brian. When Michael had to learn how to take care of Ben, to become his grace, his mother and Brian learned how to take care of him, and he had hands underneath him when he had to fall apart.
Ben collapsed in class again one day, and it signified the beginning of the end for him. Michael stayed with him every second, and when it became clear that there was nothing that could be done, Brian made sure that Ben and Michael could spend their time together in their home.
Hunter stayed in Pittsburgh for school, and when Ben got sick he learned what nauseating fear truly felt like. On the morning that Ben never woke up, he comforted Michael the way he needed to be comforted himself, swallowing the cry that tried to escape his throat.
---
Ben’s funeral is like nothing Brian has experienced; it’s even different from Vic’s. He wonders if he would be dealing with it better if Justin were there, and doesn’t even try to brush away the thought. He misses him a lot, and thinks about calling him more frequently than he would like.
Michael starts spending all his time with Deb, and Brian finds himself being needed
less and less. For whatever reason, he feels like he is the most solitary he’s been in decades, and it’s a chilling feeling. He remembers his talk with Lindsay about knowing he’s alive because of what people expect from him and thinks that right now, he could be dead and not know it.
---
Hunter starts coming over in the evenings while Michael’s with Debbie. Sometimes Brian will come home to find a blonde teenager waiting outside his door, and he wonders exactly what about his life isn’t a repeat of something that’s occurred before.
Hunter talks about Ben, and the way Michael used to be before Ben died, and Brian has to remind himself that Hunter needs to do this in order to cope. When Hunter talks about having HIV, Brian doesn’t know what to say that is reassuring, so he asks questions instead. Hunter answers some and seems not to hear others, looking away or asking Brian questions of his own.
“What’s the most scared you’ve ever been in your life?”
“Babylon.” Brian’s not ashamed to admit that he was fucking terrified that night. He won’t tell anyone, though, that he was more afraid on the night that he called Justin and told him that it was through - afraid that Justin would come back for some reason, afraid that maybe he wouldn’t care, and afraid that that would be the last time they ever spoke.
Hunter nods quickly. “You really need him back here, don’t you?”
He tilts his head a little, and Brian thinks that it’s unfair that he can be seen through that easily.
Hunter pauses, but then opens his mouth again.
“For me, I used to think it was when I was on the streets, that I’d die out there,” he says softly, “but now I think that it was when I realized what this thing inside me can do. I mean, what it did to Vic, and to Ben-”
Hunter lets the tears fall and Brian, unsure what to do, puts a hand on his shoulder and draws him into an awkward hug.
They sit for minutes, Hunter gasping and choking, and Brian wishing so hard that the little body he is holding were a different one.
The kiss is a shock to both of them, and Brian doesn’t know who started it. They pull back and stare at each other for a split second, but don’t hesitate as they move back to join lips, tongues, and spit together in a mess of clashing teeth.
Brian is angry all of a sudden; not with Hunter directly, but enough so that he wants to take it out on the boy. He grabs Hunter’s hair roughly and forces him up onto his knees. Their lips battle for space, hands stretch and slide, hips roll and buck.
Brian feels so external from the situation, and watches it from the other end of the couch, unmoving and observant, as unobtrusive as possible.
Hunter is crying again all of a sudden, and Brian feels helpless. Sex is still all he knows sometimes, and he doesn’t know what to do to fix this. He pulls the small frame beneath his own, and stares hard into his eyes.
“We shouldn’t do this.” There isn’t a tone to the statement; it’s simply floated out there, and Brian the observer draws a breath and waits for what comes next.
Nothing follows, so he sits up and rubs his mouth, a dull ache dripping over his temples and spreading behind his eye sockets.
Days slide by.
A look passes between the two of them, silently acknowledging that this won’t be mentioned, and that it won’t happen again.
“You should call him.”
Brian nods, knowing that he’s right, and looks at Hunter sideways, smiling slightly.
“Yeah.” The word rolls around in his mouth, and he thinks maybe he’ll actually do it this time. “Yeah. I should.”
The air is heavy in the loft, and Hunter stretches his legs out, lifting them parallel to the floor.
“I should go. Michael will probably be home soon.” Brian nods again, and rubs his palms over his knees.
“I’ll drive you.”
---
When Brian pulls up in front of the house, the porch light is on, and he remembers the light on Debbie’s porch from his childhood.
Hunter’s only words as he opens the door are, “Thanks, Brian. Night,” and Brian only feels more detached from himself.
As he watches Hunter make his way to the door, though, he feels slightly more alive than he’s felt lately.
He hears the latch click shut, and he starts the engine again, wending his way back through the rain-slicked streets.
The streetlights glow silently in the still black air.
None of this ever happened.