(no subject)
why does there always have to be change? Why do we let ourselves be cared by the moods of the other things going on around us? my life is a constant cycle of the people around me, how they treat me and what goes on. Im tired of being walked over, and im tired of depending on the goodness of other people to make me happy. I deserve more then that shit. Im tired of everything that is soo good in my life, always seems to fade away so fast. Im tired of the people i trust turning around and breaking that so fast theres no way i can even try to brace my fall. And im tired of people who don't understand what others put themselves through. Just because you dont understand what its like to be confused about someone or something, doesnt mean someone else cant be. Just because you dont know what its like to watch someone you care about walk all over you and not be able to do a thing about it because your too in love with them to see it, thats pathetic...and thats me. Im tired of watching all the people around me grow up and have the things i always thought i wanted, realizing im different then everyone else, why am i so confused about all of this when everyone else seems so clear, that just isnt who i am. I guess im just me, and i cant change that. But what if i dont want to be. i cant seem to hide myself allt he time, and little things come out pieces of the real me, covered in lies about why i like what i like, or why i believe what i believe, sometimes its ok to live a lie. sometimes its ok to cover up. is there a time when you just have to let go of the hope of ever having what you wany? Ever getting that one moment, where you cant breathe, cant stand, cant let go of everything because the moments so perfect. when is it my turn? when do i get to have that? watching others as they pass by in slow motions seems interesting only for a while. But why do i try to fill a void that can never be filled, like trying to pour water into the sand. And yet i still try striving for that one invincible moment...and sometimes just that one invincible person, you know? That one that you see the boy on the corner with, staring into the eyes of a beautiful girl, wrapped into each others arms, cared through the air from the wings of cupid, while i lay in the street bleeding and wrapped from head to toe in black. Im sinned, and i am satan, and im going to die alone. there isnt a hope for what is tomorrow, only a distant memory of what is today. the future stretches out like an open road but im only heading for that one tree, in the near distance...that will shatter my dreams, knowing this, i still crash...broken shards of glass are whats left in myself and each time the pieces get smaller and harder to put back together, well i think ive had enough, i cant put myself back together anymore...Love is such a fucked up word, it means nothing, it means, tears, broken, lying on the floor sobbing wishing that only god would take your life so you dont have too.. love means all that and we know it, but we strive for that...and we look for that, and we let ourselves do it again and again, what a fucked up world...we need lives. Sometimes when im screaming at the top of my lungs, i just wish someone would hear me, and take me into their arms...if only for a moment i could just be ok...Im so alone...
I cover myself with fake relationships, broken promises, and lies...but i cant do that anymore, im going to be honest, im going to live my life, and get past that hell of a year that brought me to my knees, one person can do that youknow...just one, in less then a year. the pain of that fuck hole wont go away, and im so afriad someone will do that again, i have never wanted to die more then i did with him...and i cant let go of the fear that i will turn into another person like my mother, serving a man that you dont love nor could you ever...someone who barely turns their head for you...i dont want to be with those boys anymore...Why do i always fall for them..fall for the ones that break me...i guess in a way i like the pain...it makes me stronger, and each time its harder and harder to break through...and its all thanks to you...and you know who you are if you ever read this you fucker, you ruined my fuckin life, you never brought one moment of good to me that anyone else couldnt have done in more then 4 seconds...so go to hell
I cover myself with fake relationships, broken promises, and lies...but i cant do that anymore, im going to be honest, im going to live my life, and get past that hell of a year that brought me to my knees, one person can do that youknow...just one, in less then a year. the pain of that fuck hole wont go away, and im so afriad someone will do that again, i have never wanted to die more then i did with him...and i cant let go of the fear that i will turn into another person like my mother, serving a man that you dont love nor could you ever...someone who barely turns their head for you...i dont want to be with those boys anymore...Why do i always fall for them..fall for the ones that break me...i guess in a way i like the pain...it makes me stronger, and each time its harder and harder to break through...and its all thanks to you...and you know who you are if you ever read this you fucker, you ruined my fuckin life, you never brought one moment of good to me that anyone else couldnt have done in more then 4 seconds...so go to hell