*sighs*
Where to start, where to start. The blah is once again beginning to set in. *sighs* Yesterday was so utterly ugh. The weather has been making me feel like crap. It's settling into my body and wreaking havoc. My lung problems are starting to act up again...trouble breathing and always seem short of breath. It's also been making my muscles ache, especially with my tendonitis and the areas that I messed up last winter when I fell. My whole body just kinda aches and I feel like crap. Think I'm sick too so that doesn't really help. Then to boot the whole depression thing kinda started to sneak up on me again. I think a lot of it has to do with the weather and the fact that I hate November. Though no time really seems the best right now...it all kind of sucks. I just want to do nothing, go nothing, be nothing. I wanna waste my life away with no worries and no cares. I can't do that though and I know it. I have school and responsibilities and a future to worry about.
Yesterday was really bad. I couldn't even get into WoW *gasps* I was just kind of bummed out and too unmotivated to really do anything. I felt helpless and lost and I can't even really tell you what exactly was wrong. I got off at like 9:45, turned on my bedtime music, curled up under the covers with my stuffed animal and cried myself to sleep. Which resulted in me waking up today and feeling like crap. I skipped work this morning and my 9:15 class and just hung out and bullshitted with Chrissy. It was nice and kind of helped. Sometimes when I have episodes I like to just be alone, but sometimes it really helps to have someone else there. Someone I can talk to and who can keep my mind occupied so I don't just sit and think about how miserable I am and how much life sucks and how I just wanna curl up and disappear. So, yeah this morning was nice. Now it's back to the grind and I'm not looking forward to it. I plan on skipping out of my evening class early and then I have no class or work tomorrow so I can just blow off the whole day if I want. I can guarantee I probably won't get dressed or do anything productive. I will probably waste the day away, even though I shouldn't. I have a lot of work I need to do. I will probably end up spending the day playing WoW though and not doing any of the things I should. *sighs* I'm too predictable. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I doubt it. I'll get to see Chrissy on WoW tonight and will probably spend the evening playing with her as I've convinced her to play horde on the same server and join our guild too. So that will keep me occupied. I can bs with her and be stupid and childish and just have fun.
I don't know...part of me just wants to poof out of existence. Life is hard and complicated and a pain in my ass. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I think about where I am and I wonder about the choices I've made and can't help but think... I hate thinking. It just makes things worse. Especially depressed thinking; never turns out to be any good. Just makes me question and wonder about the what ifs. What if I did this, what if I'd done that, what if I'd have made this decision, what if I'd chosen to take that road...and on and on and on. Neverending. When I'm normal I'm happy, I like where I'm at and I feel safe in the decisions I've made. But the depression always leads me to see the worst in everthing. To feel like I've failed at everything, that every choice, every turn has been wrong, that I've made mistakes that I can't fix. That I should've taken the other road. What if I had...
Yesterday was really bad. I couldn't even get into WoW *gasps* I was just kind of bummed out and too unmotivated to really do anything. I felt helpless and lost and I can't even really tell you what exactly was wrong. I got off at like 9:45, turned on my bedtime music, curled up under the covers with my stuffed animal and cried myself to sleep. Which resulted in me waking up today and feeling like crap. I skipped work this morning and my 9:15 class and just hung out and bullshitted with Chrissy. It was nice and kind of helped. Sometimes when I have episodes I like to just be alone, but sometimes it really helps to have someone else there. Someone I can talk to and who can keep my mind occupied so I don't just sit and think about how miserable I am and how much life sucks and how I just wanna curl up and disappear. So, yeah this morning was nice. Now it's back to the grind and I'm not looking forward to it. I plan on skipping out of my evening class early and then I have no class or work tomorrow so I can just blow off the whole day if I want. I can guarantee I probably won't get dressed or do anything productive. I will probably waste the day away, even though I shouldn't. I have a lot of work I need to do. I will probably end up spending the day playing WoW though and not doing any of the things I should. *sighs* I'm too predictable. Maybe I'll surprise myself, but I doubt it. I'll get to see Chrissy on WoW tonight and will probably spend the evening playing with her as I've convinced her to play horde on the same server and join our guild too. So that will keep me occupied. I can bs with her and be stupid and childish and just have fun.
I don't know...part of me just wants to poof out of existence. Life is hard and complicated and a pain in my ass. Sometimes I wonder if it's all worth it. I think about where I am and I wonder about the choices I've made and can't help but think... I hate thinking. It just makes things worse. Especially depressed thinking; never turns out to be any good. Just makes me question and wonder about the what ifs. What if I did this, what if I'd done that, what if I'd have made this decision, what if I'd chosen to take that road...and on and on and on. Neverending. When I'm normal I'm happy, I like where I'm at and I feel safe in the decisions I've made. But the depression always leads me to see the worst in everthing. To feel like I've failed at everything, that every choice, every turn has been wrong, that I've made mistakes that I can't fix. That I should've taken the other road. What if I had...