(no subject)
I apoligize in advance, but I have SO much in my head right now and I think I'm going to explode if I don't get it all out.
I've been feeling like complete shit for the last few weeks. Everything seems to be hitting me and kicking my ass again out of nowhere (hence why I think I need my prescription upped). I don't even know where to start...
The 26th was my grandmother's birthday and Easter was the 27th. She passed away on February 1, 1997. It's still tough, so having the birthday & holiday back to back was hard. I don't know why, but I've been struggling with missing her SO much lately. I think it's because I never really dealt with her death. I couldn't. There was too much going on around me. God, I just...I wish she was here now. It's not fair!!
My family situation is so completely fucked up that I can't even begin to explain it. This Donna bullshit is coming up on 3 months now. It's such an awful feeling to feel like you aren't welcome in your own house. I mean, I love my dad and I know he loves me, but...I don't know. I feel like I wish he would defend us, stand up for us. I feel like she's fucking up everything and every day I just want to scream and yell and tell her how awful she is. Didn't she do enough damage already?! I'm not saying I want my parents together, but fuck, they can barely even have a civil conversation. And heaven forbid SHE finds out that dad talked to my mom about his kids. Oh no. Because she's a cunt. I want to punch her in her fucking hypocritical face.
And then there's, of course, the big issue. I can't stand it. I thought I was making progress, but here I am right back at the beginning. I feel like shit and I just want it to disappear. WHY?! I just want to know WHY. What did I do that was soooo terrible?? I can't go a day without thinking about it. Somewhere, somehow, it's in and affects my day. Like today, I dialed a wrong number and I was like, "Sorry, I dialed the wrong number". The fucking dick thought he was cool & funny and was like, "What's your name? You sound sexy" and shit. I was so pissed. I wanted to fucking find him and attack him. It just brings you right back to feeling like comeplete trash and filth. Like that's all you're worth...that's all you're good for. It's scary. Every day I wonder if I'll ever be okay; if I'll ever be the same again. If I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship. I thought I could. I thought I was fine and ready, but I now I'm just not sure. It's so confusing and so depressing.
And feeling like you are losing your best friend...that doesn't help at all.
All of my old feelings are around. Everything I used to think, I think again. I know that it's not good, but at the same time, I think it is a little bit. I don't know...I don't know what to do or how to deal anymore...
***EDIT: I drive myself crazy. I hate feeling this way. So disgusting and confused and all. And what happens as you are trying to sort everything out? Someone AMAZING comes along and you have no idea how to handle it or what to do... so you sit in silent amazment as you watch it slowly pass you by...***
I've been feeling like complete shit for the last few weeks. Everything seems to be hitting me and kicking my ass again out of nowhere (hence why I think I need my prescription upped). I don't even know where to start...
The 26th was my grandmother's birthday and Easter was the 27th. She passed away on February 1, 1997. It's still tough, so having the birthday & holiday back to back was hard. I don't know why, but I've been struggling with missing her SO much lately. I think it's because I never really dealt with her death. I couldn't. There was too much going on around me. God, I just...I wish she was here now. It's not fair!!
My family situation is so completely fucked up that I can't even begin to explain it. This Donna bullshit is coming up on 3 months now. It's such an awful feeling to feel like you aren't welcome in your own house. I mean, I love my dad and I know he loves me, but...I don't know. I feel like I wish he would defend us, stand up for us. I feel like she's fucking up everything and every day I just want to scream and yell and tell her how awful she is. Didn't she do enough damage already?! I'm not saying I want my parents together, but fuck, they can barely even have a civil conversation. And heaven forbid SHE finds out that dad talked to my mom about his kids. Oh no. Because she's a cunt. I want to punch her in her fucking hypocritical face.
And then there's, of course, the big issue. I can't stand it. I thought I was making progress, but here I am right back at the beginning. I feel like shit and I just want it to disappear. WHY?! I just want to know WHY. What did I do that was soooo terrible?? I can't go a day without thinking about it. Somewhere, somehow, it's in and affects my day. Like today, I dialed a wrong number and I was like, "Sorry, I dialed the wrong number". The fucking dick thought he was cool & funny and was like, "What's your name? You sound sexy" and shit. I was so pissed. I wanted to fucking find him and attack him. It just brings you right back to feeling like comeplete trash and filth. Like that's all you're worth...that's all you're good for. It's scary. Every day I wonder if I'll ever be okay; if I'll ever be the same again. If I'll ever be able to have a normal relationship. I thought I could. I thought I was fine and ready, but I now I'm just not sure. It's so confusing and so depressing.
And feeling like you are losing your best friend...that doesn't help at all.
All of my old feelings are around. Everything I used to think, I think again. I know that it's not good, but at the same time, I think it is a little bit. I don't know...I don't know what to do or how to deal anymore...
***EDIT: I drive myself crazy. I hate feeling this way. So disgusting and confused and all. And what happens as you are trying to sort everything out? Someone AMAZING comes along and you have no idea how to handle it or what to do... so you sit in silent amazment as you watch it slowly pass you by...***