"Where's Your Head At?!" (& Guelphites Unite!)
I haven't been sleeping to well lately. A few days ago, I actually burned my hand while baking, so having three fingers all bandaged up and burning pain will generally disrupt the regular dream cycle. But even before that... Things have just been UGH in so many way. Granted, I got to hang out with T&G on Thanksgiving Monday, which was way awesome. That brief visit was defo the highlight of the past few weeks, and by A LOT. (Okay, and the Sukkot celebration at the shul was good, too, though also tiring.) Things with work have been frustrating as hell -- mostly because they don't really have contingency plans in place in case things don't go the way they're supposed to -- which, of course, happens TO ME -- and there are all sorts of "automated" messages, etc. that'll "get fixed eventually" but are F-ing up my universe in the meantime!
Plus, things with "the Ex" have been mega-messed up the past few weeks. I was all over the entire thing, and finally accepting that we were both different people, and maybe we can retain/sustain some sort of friendship at this point, and then he goes and brings up how he's been thinking of me romantically. UGH! So that sent my mind into a whirlwind, and just hasn't gone anywhere contructive. He keeps asking me for advice and whatnot -- which he really needs, since he's gotten awfully good/bad at missing the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS -- and then kinda ignores what I've said. Or takes my suggestion, by applying it in the opposite fashion. Thinking/talking about the way he's acting lately just gets me riled up and frustrated and angry, because he's being so DUMB!!! And not in his usual "boy" way, but on a whole new level of idiocy! Okay, so I've fully realized that we are not meant to be together, romantically, at least not right now. We are both different people than we have been in the past, but we are also both still evolving. But just because he's not dating me doesn't mean he has to go back to the last girl he broke up with, just a few weeks ago! NONE of the reasons why he didn't enjoy dating her last time around have changed -- although he says they have, when I ask for details, it can't be proven. UGH, it is so obvious that her main motivation for trying to get back with him is her jealousy, thinking he and I were getting together. And he's never been good at being single. He'd rather deal with her and all the faults in that relationship (and by "deal" I don't mean actually do anything about them, I just mean them being around, making him miserable), and then break up again in a few weeks/months then just "take the hit" now and actually find himself a decent relationship now, rather than wasting time on something that's not going anywhere, and isn't even all that fun in the meantime! (Sure, she might be a great girl. I'm just saying they aren't a good fit. AT ALL.)
I'm gonna post some edited excerpts from an e-mail I sent him a couple weeks ago, so you can see where my head's been at, lately. I'm gonna try to include the info that might be relavent to more than just the current situation, so that rest o'y'all can take something away from it, too. (I have also removed a few names, and replaced them with symbols. Those of you who may know the issue will know who's who, and if you don't, then that's okay, too.)
"Am I perpetually demanding that you choose me in favour of someone else? Or maybe even something else? I know that I have been hurt and betrayed a number of times romantically (and I don't just mean with you!) and when I told you my history with ###, that was probably an early root cause. My relationship with ### was the first one I could look back on and see that my "love" for him wasn't lust or infatuation, but actual deep-felt caring and affection. And even though he told me he loved me, I'm not sure he knew what love was at the time. And even though he told me he loved me, that wasn't any sort of guarantee that he'd be there for me, or that he'd support me when I needed it, or that if presented with an alternative, that he'd choose me.
And then I think of our history. You've never been able to say with certainty that you love(d) me -- and I appreciate that honesty, truly. So, without that emotional tie, what would cause you to choose me (whether there's direct competition, or if the alternative is simply being alone)? I don't ever want to be someone's fall-back plan, like an aspiring actress studies sociology, in case she doesn't "make it." I want to be someone's first (and only) choice, the one they can't imagine being without. I'm not saying I need to be that choice for you, or that I need you to be that person for me. But I think maybe that's a clue as to why I keep asking you to choose.
I don't think you understand how much I'm still hurting, from knowing that I have a life-long disease, because I trusted you when I (maybe) shouldn't have. I know we don't have a future together as a couple. Yes, we've both grown, and maybe we are a better fit together now than we were a year or two ago. But in the long-run, I don't think we want the same things from life, and then what kind of future is there in that? I know we aren't perfect together. And sometimes I worry that we fall into one another because it's easy, and familiar, and much less scary or lonely than standing as one (respectively).
And I know you don't like being alone. But I've noticed that you do an awful lot of growing during your most single periods. And I'm not so sure that's coincidental. I've become a lot more spiritual lately, which reminds me of the simpler days of my youth, when "single" never meant alone, and the voices of angels whispered to me in the wind. In many ways, I was more aware of myself, and the world, and my place within it at that time in my life. (That's not to say the world seemed smaller then, either.) I haven't any doubt that I lost my way. But I've found a guide-wire, and I'm working my way back. Where are you, $$$? Where is your focus, your source of strength and knowledge? When was the last time you really KNEW something? The last time you really SAW the world, or yourself?
It's so much easier to look for instant gratification, to find what makes us happy today or the next day, and only work towards that. And although I'm not suggesting the sacrifice of today's contentment for tomorrow's happiness, I don't believe in sacrificing tomorrow's joy for today's non-dissatisfaction (which is not specifically the same as satisfaction).
I'd like to think that I have a fairly clear idea of what you look for in a companion. And even if my image is a little fuzzy 'round the edges, I know that they are fairly reasonable expectations. So you don't have to settle. You don't have to approach the notion of your "ideal mate" as negotiable, sacrificing one attribute in order to have another, (at least not any of the major/important ones).
You and %%% have known each other for months and months, and yet she doesn't seem to know you at all. I don't think that's fair to you, and I don't think it's acceptable, either. I'll try to be objective, and put this as a question rather than a statement: What do you have in common? What common interests do you share, opinions, or long-term goals? Hell, what have you even "agreed to disagree" about, if anything? Yes, she's there, and it's (somewhat) easy to be with you, and at least then you'll know what to expect. But I didn't see you happy in that relationship -- or really any emotion at all. You weren't even angry, or sad, or mildly frustrated (not just sexually!). The most prominent emotion (relayed to me straight from you) during your time with her was APATHY. (And keep in mind that hate is not the direct opposite of love -- apathy is love's enemy.) I realize you probably were feeling apathy before %%% came along. But if she didn't change it, if she didn't make your life better, help you become more productive, then what good did come of that relationship?
My copy of "Atlas Shrugged" is currently packed away. And I read it a few years ago, and was never as intimately familiar with its content as you. But is not the central theme to be productive, to earn things based on what you put in, the work you do, rather than a warped perception of what is "deserved"? You're always pointing out that "Life's a bitch, get a helmet" -- but why put on the helmet at all, if you then just sit there, waiting for things to fall on your head? Approaching life that way, eventually, something will fall on you that the helmet can't protect you against. So put that helmet on, and then get back to work -- do something, make something, be something. But don't just sit there with your helmet strapped in place, accepting falling pianos and grenade shrapnel as common raindrops and hail stones.
It'd be nice to know you're making a decision that's virtually flawless (instead of one that's based on proximity or convenience, and resembles Swiss cheese). But you've been there for me, even when I haven't wanted or expected you to be, so I will try to respect and support your decision, even if I happen to not agree with it."
Also, for those of you in Guelph, time to break out the party hats and the good champagne! I've got a Hillside meeting on October 26th, which means I will be in Guelph around then. The meeting is Thursday night, and I believe I also have Wednesday and Friday night off, too, but because of the messed up things at work, I am not 100% certain of what's what. I have been trying to get the Saturday off, too (as I already get Sunday/Monday for my "weekend"), but who knows... (Grrr!) Anyway, I will most likely be staying on my sister's couch, and her nineteenth birthday is the Friday! (Although she'll be in the middle of mid-term exams, so I dunno if I'll be able to convince her to go out drinking at all...) Anyway, I will post s'more info in the next day or two, when (hopefully!) things at work are sorted out. And I will probs contact a few o'you Guelphites via e-mail. BTW, if YOU want to see ME while I'm in town -- and with wheels, I might add! -- feel free to comment or whatevs, so that you know 100% that you're on my list, in case you aren't already sure (Richard, you can be sure).
I am off to try to get some rest, if not some sleep.
Peace of mind is hightly under-rated.
*S
Plus, things with "the Ex" have been mega-messed up the past few weeks. I was all over the entire thing, and finally accepting that we were both different people, and maybe we can retain/sustain some sort of friendship at this point, and then he goes and brings up how he's been thinking of me romantically. UGH! So that sent my mind into a whirlwind, and just hasn't gone anywhere contructive. He keeps asking me for advice and whatnot -- which he really needs, since he's gotten awfully good/bad at missing the COMPLETELY OBVIOUS -- and then kinda ignores what I've said. Or takes my suggestion, by applying it in the opposite fashion. Thinking/talking about the way he's acting lately just gets me riled up and frustrated and angry, because he's being so DUMB!!! And not in his usual "boy" way, but on a whole new level of idiocy! Okay, so I've fully realized that we are not meant to be together, romantically, at least not right now. We are both different people than we have been in the past, but we are also both still evolving. But just because he's not dating me doesn't mean he has to go back to the last girl he broke up with, just a few weeks ago! NONE of the reasons why he didn't enjoy dating her last time around have changed -- although he says they have, when I ask for details, it can't be proven. UGH, it is so obvious that her main motivation for trying to get back with him is her jealousy, thinking he and I were getting together. And he's never been good at being single. He'd rather deal with her and all the faults in that relationship (and by "deal" I don't mean actually do anything about them, I just mean them being around, making him miserable), and then break up again in a few weeks/months then just "take the hit" now and actually find himself a decent relationship now, rather than wasting time on something that's not going anywhere, and isn't even all that fun in the meantime! (Sure, she might be a great girl. I'm just saying they aren't a good fit. AT ALL.)
I'm gonna post some edited excerpts from an e-mail I sent him a couple weeks ago, so you can see where my head's been at, lately. I'm gonna try to include the info that might be relavent to more than just the current situation, so that rest o'y'all can take something away from it, too. (I have also removed a few names, and replaced them with symbols. Those of you who may know the issue will know who's who, and if you don't, then that's okay, too.)
"Am I perpetually demanding that you choose me in favour of someone else? Or maybe even something else? I know that I have been hurt and betrayed a number of times romantically (and I don't just mean with you!) and when I told you my history with ###, that was probably an early root cause. My relationship with ### was the first one I could look back on and see that my "love" for him wasn't lust or infatuation, but actual deep-felt caring and affection. And even though he told me he loved me, I'm not sure he knew what love was at the time. And even though he told me he loved me, that wasn't any sort of guarantee that he'd be there for me, or that he'd support me when I needed it, or that if presented with an alternative, that he'd choose me.
And then I think of our history. You've never been able to say with certainty that you love(d) me -- and I appreciate that honesty, truly. So, without that emotional tie, what would cause you to choose me (whether there's direct competition, or if the alternative is simply being alone)? I don't ever want to be someone's fall-back plan, like an aspiring actress studies sociology, in case she doesn't "make it." I want to be someone's first (and only) choice, the one they can't imagine being without. I'm not saying I need to be that choice for you, or that I need you to be that person for me. But I think maybe that's a clue as to why I keep asking you to choose.
I don't think you understand how much I'm still hurting, from knowing that I have a life-long disease, because I trusted you when I (maybe) shouldn't have. I know we don't have a future together as a couple. Yes, we've both grown, and maybe we are a better fit together now than we were a year or two ago. But in the long-run, I don't think we want the same things from life, and then what kind of future is there in that? I know we aren't perfect together. And sometimes I worry that we fall into one another because it's easy, and familiar, and much less scary or lonely than standing as one (respectively).
And I know you don't like being alone. But I've noticed that you do an awful lot of growing during your most single periods. And I'm not so sure that's coincidental. I've become a lot more spiritual lately, which reminds me of the simpler days of my youth, when "single" never meant alone, and the voices of angels whispered to me in the wind. In many ways, I was more aware of myself, and the world, and my place within it at that time in my life. (That's not to say the world seemed smaller then, either.) I haven't any doubt that I lost my way. But I've found a guide-wire, and I'm working my way back. Where are you, $$$? Where is your focus, your source of strength and knowledge? When was the last time you really KNEW something? The last time you really SAW the world, or yourself?
It's so much easier to look for instant gratification, to find what makes us happy today or the next day, and only work towards that. And although I'm not suggesting the sacrifice of today's contentment for tomorrow's happiness, I don't believe in sacrificing tomorrow's joy for today's non-dissatisfaction (which is not specifically the same as satisfaction).
I'd like to think that I have a fairly clear idea of what you look for in a companion. And even if my image is a little fuzzy 'round the edges, I know that they are fairly reasonable expectations. So you don't have to settle. You don't have to approach the notion of your "ideal mate" as negotiable, sacrificing one attribute in order to have another, (at least not any of the major/important ones).
You and %%% have known each other for months and months, and yet she doesn't seem to know you at all. I don't think that's fair to you, and I don't think it's acceptable, either. I'll try to be objective, and put this as a question rather than a statement: What do you have in common? What common interests do you share, opinions, or long-term goals? Hell, what have you even "agreed to disagree" about, if anything? Yes, she's there, and it's (somewhat) easy to be with you, and at least then you'll know what to expect. But I didn't see you happy in that relationship -- or really any emotion at all. You weren't even angry, or sad, or mildly frustrated (not just sexually!). The most prominent emotion (relayed to me straight from you) during your time with her was APATHY. (And keep in mind that hate is not the direct opposite of love -- apathy is love's enemy.) I realize you probably were feeling apathy before %%% came along. But if she didn't change it, if she didn't make your life better, help you become more productive, then what good did come of that relationship?
My copy of "Atlas Shrugged" is currently packed away. And I read it a few years ago, and was never as intimately familiar with its content as you. But is not the central theme to be productive, to earn things based on what you put in, the work you do, rather than a warped perception of what is "deserved"? You're always pointing out that "Life's a bitch, get a helmet" -- but why put on the helmet at all, if you then just sit there, waiting for things to fall on your head? Approaching life that way, eventually, something will fall on you that the helmet can't protect you against. So put that helmet on, and then get back to work -- do something, make something, be something. But don't just sit there with your helmet strapped in place, accepting falling pianos and grenade shrapnel as common raindrops and hail stones.
It'd be nice to know you're making a decision that's virtually flawless (instead of one that's based on proximity or convenience, and resembles Swiss cheese). But you've been there for me, even when I haven't wanted or expected you to be, so I will try to respect and support your decision, even if I happen to not agree with it."
Also, for those of you in Guelph, time to break out the party hats and the good champagne! I've got a Hillside meeting on October 26th, which means I will be in Guelph around then. The meeting is Thursday night, and I believe I also have Wednesday and Friday night off, too, but because of the messed up things at work, I am not 100% certain of what's what. I have been trying to get the Saturday off, too (as I already get Sunday/Monday for my "weekend"), but who knows... (Grrr!) Anyway, I will most likely be staying on my sister's couch, and her nineteenth birthday is the Friday! (Although she'll be in the middle of mid-term exams, so I dunno if I'll be able to convince her to go out drinking at all...) Anyway, I will post s'more info in the next day or two, when (hopefully!) things at work are sorted out. And I will probs contact a few o'you Guelphites via e-mail. BTW, if YOU want to see ME while I'm in town -- and with wheels, I might add! -- feel free to comment or whatevs, so that you know 100% that you're on my list, in case you aren't already sure (Richard, you can be sure).
I am off to try to get some rest, if not some sleep.
Peace of mind is hightly under-rated.
*S