another stormy night in atlanta, georgia....
I'm trying to update a little more often so Here we go again!!!...
The past few days have been you know... plain...
nothing wrong with that...
I spent Easter mostly with just my dad, then headed over to my uncle's house for a small get together...
I miss having a big family... rather... big family get togethers... like any good family... It can get pretty monotonous just hanging out with my dad, an uncle and aunt and a couple of cousins that are now too busy with their own kids...
I wish my dad got a new girlfriend... I feel like he needs some companionship, I'm trying to build my own life and I have less and less time to spend with him...
On that note, I think my mind always drifts towards that yearning of having a "normal" family... like having a dad and.. I guess a step mom...
I think throughout my teenage years and now (I'm almost 20) my adulthood, I've realized that I have some "mommy issues"... my mom was never an affectionate person... I have very scarce memories of my mom hugging me or you know... doing the "mom" thing.... and even so I always felt closer to her... like in my innocence and naive state of mind I strived for that bond...
Then my parents got divorced... and I didn't only leave my mom behind, but my whole family... to come to another country... (note: I am grateful that I am here, and I now understand and realize it's the best thing that ever happened to me... but when you're 11 years old it's hard to see beyond your own pain)
Then once my dad got remarried... I grew so attached to my stepmom... and reasonably so, she was extremely sweet... everything that I had always needed throughout my childhood... and then... they got divorced, and i felt like my family was being ripped apart once again...
I had been so happy while she was here... and then all of the sudden she was gone... I still remember my friends asking about her... and everytime I had to tell the story, its like the knife was slowly turning in my heart...
wow... I don't know where all that came from... but I'm glad I got it out...
Something is clouding my vision
I’m losing my ambition for life
This pain keeps growing stronger
…standing on the shoulders of giants
But I can’t hold on much longer
is there any courage in admitting my fear?
Is there any strength in shedding these tears?
How long can I keep faking a smile?
What makes this all worth while?
I wish I could stop all these thoughts
Just pull my head off my shoulders and stop
Because the only thing I’ve accomplished with time
Is making a demon out of my own mind
It’s so hard to keep going on
I’ve lost so many pieces of my heart
Cause every time I think I’ve got it all
It all falls apart
Falls apart on me
All the parts of me…
well... I'm kinda tired and i have to get up early plus i have a long day ahead of me....
peace,
Paul
The past few days have been you know... plain...
nothing wrong with that...
I spent Easter mostly with just my dad, then headed over to my uncle's house for a small get together...
I miss having a big family... rather... big family get togethers... like any good family... It can get pretty monotonous just hanging out with my dad, an uncle and aunt and a couple of cousins that are now too busy with their own kids...
I wish my dad got a new girlfriend... I feel like he needs some companionship, I'm trying to build my own life and I have less and less time to spend with him...
On that note, I think my mind always drifts towards that yearning of having a "normal" family... like having a dad and.. I guess a step mom...
I think throughout my teenage years and now (I'm almost 20) my adulthood, I've realized that I have some "mommy issues"... my mom was never an affectionate person... I have very scarce memories of my mom hugging me or you know... doing the "mom" thing.... and even so I always felt closer to her... like in my innocence and naive state of mind I strived for that bond...
Then my parents got divorced... and I didn't only leave my mom behind, but my whole family... to come to another country... (note: I am grateful that I am here, and I now understand and realize it's the best thing that ever happened to me... but when you're 11 years old it's hard to see beyond your own pain)
Then once my dad got remarried... I grew so attached to my stepmom... and reasonably so, she was extremely sweet... everything that I had always needed throughout my childhood... and then... they got divorced, and i felt like my family was being ripped apart once again...
I had been so happy while she was here... and then all of the sudden she was gone... I still remember my friends asking about her... and everytime I had to tell the story, its like the knife was slowly turning in my heart...
wow... I don't know where all that came from... but I'm glad I got it out...
Something is clouding my vision
I’m losing my ambition for life
This pain keeps growing stronger
…standing on the shoulders of giants
But I can’t hold on much longer
is there any courage in admitting my fear?
Is there any strength in shedding these tears?
How long can I keep faking a smile?
What makes this all worth while?
I wish I could stop all these thoughts
Just pull my head off my shoulders and stop
Because the only thing I’ve accomplished with time
Is making a demon out of my own mind
It’s so hard to keep going on
I’ve lost so many pieces of my heart
Cause every time I think I’ve got it all
It all falls apart
Falls apart on me
All the parts of me…
well... I'm kinda tired and i have to get up early plus i have a long day ahead of me....
peace,
Paul