(no subject)
Today is a very sad day, indeed.
I know I've made a few posts here of late, and because I'm too lazy to go back and read them (okay, I'm a liar, I don't want to), I'm going to just ramblingly write right now.
It's been the worst week of my life. Each day, I tried to retain my hope, and each day, I knew that BJ would be pulling the vent soon. I tried not to think about that... I tied to just keep my chin up and wish for the best. But it was never out of my head.
I tied for months to get dad to go to the doctors. each time he had a swelling, I'd try... each time I'd talk to him for any length of time, I'd try. all i heard is bj telling me that they didn't have insurance. the nurse telling me that they didn't have insurance, he'll be okay.
well she was wrong, wasn't she? very wrong... dead wrong.
Day 1: Hospital, EEG taken, whole body jerks, 5 doctors, Nurse Carla
Dad's tongue became swollen in the middle of the night. he waited until it was quite hard to breath, and then... THEN he woke her up and said they MIGHT have to go to the ER for it. not five minutes later, he was, for all intents and purposes, gone. in five minutes, his tongue was so swollen, he could not breath, and passed out. i wonder what must have gone through his mind then. when his breathing stopped, did he try to signal her? did he just pass out? Did he freak? Was he scared? I know he was scared.
and then he fell on his stomach in that small bathroom. she couldn't get him turned over so she tried to do compressions on his back. that doesn't work. you can do it on an infant, but a 294 pound man? no.
then she tried to put her fingers in his mouth but couldn't get an airway. so she left him to call 911 and get an artificial airway. it was smaller than she needed, but she had to try something.
she didn't try the epi pen i had just given them a few months ago.
the ambulance got there, and could not "secure" the airway tube, they could not intabate him. his tongue was just too big by then. how long did he go without air? how long did he have the knowledge that he couldn't breath?
so he went to the er. they did a trec about 20 minutes after he got there. what if they did an emergency trec on the ride over? what if they did the surgery as soon as he got there? what if...
Timmy took me to the ER, and he stayed for a bit. but his tummy was messing with him (IBS) and he spent a good portion of the time indisposed. i told him it was okay to go on home.
Tim, Momma, and I went in to see dad in the Er before the trec. There was a team of docs over him, and no one seemed to know what to do to fix him. I guess at that point, there was nothing that could fix him. I didn't know it, I wouldn't have believed it if they told me so... but that's just the way it is. Tim left for a restroom soon after. BJ and I sat with him, talking to the docs and praying so hard. after a few more minutes, he went to surgery. That was at 6:30 AM. BJ and I went into the surgical waiting room. We were told that he wouldn't be in there long, and then he would go to the SICU. we did not get in for almost 2 hours.
In the ICU, he had a great nurse, Carla W. She was good to us, talked to him, did her job perfectly, and took good care of us all. BJ and I sat there all day. she held one hand, i held the other. we talked to him, kissed him, told him to pull through. at that time, i knew almost nothing about the brain, about comas, about asphyxiation. within days, i knew so much. now, i know too much.
on that day, friday, i stayed until 7, when they told us we had to leave. from 4 am until 7 pm, 15 hours... kim had gone to the house and collected the kids for us, wait, was that friday? i'm sure it was... right? when bj and i went to his room, we met carla, and just sat with dad. he was breathing via the tube in his throat, his vitals were not horrible, though his pulse was elevated a bit, his blood pressure was high, and he developed a fever after a couple of hours. to bring his temp down, they put him on a cooling blanket to regulate his body temp. they wanted to keep him in a semi-hypothermic state, to prevent further damage to his organs. He ended up being on it the whole time. the only thing that was really crappy about it is where they kept the thermometer... eww. furthermore, they gave him medication for his BP, and in turn, his heart rate went down to a normal level. but he was "unresponsive". it turned out, he was not just out of it, he wasn't responding to stimuli, such as a poke in the eye, a pinch on the chest, or a stab in the big toe. he didn't move... and then he did and wouldn't stop. he would jerk, ever muscle in his body exerting at the same time, his eyes flying open, drool coming from his mouth (squeezed beside his massive tongue), and then he would relax, and then do it again. it was painful to watch. finally the neurologist ordered him on adavant to stop these movements. he said it wasn't a seizure, exactly, but the electrical currents in his brain misfiring. once he was on the adavant, it stopped. he was given 4 grams of the medication that day. towards the end of Friday, the neurologist ordered an EEG to check his brainwaves. we were told that the results should be in fairly early. turns out, that was wrong. i left when they told me i had to.
Day 2: Leg jerks, waiting for results, more of the same... what to do?
i returned the next day, by myself (Tim stayed with the kids) at 4:30. they weren't supposed to let me in, but they did. i was only able to sit with him until 6:40, then they said that they were changing shifts for the nurses, so i had to go until 8:30. I wasn't going home, and i didn't want to go to dad's house, so i slept in the car. i left the windows cracked, and the ants came in. they tore me up. i had my phone alarm set to get me up 10 minutes before i could go in, to give me time to go upstairs. when i did, i was able to stay until 7 again. i think i went downstairs to grab a bite to eat at some point, I'm not sure. i know i went out about every 1 1/2 hours for a smoke. i needed that, that break or whatever. when i came home, i told the kids the cotton candy version of the story. i never lied to them, but i never told them everything. we had seen 5 doctors, and heard that all of his organs were good, except for the neurologist. we didn't get a report from him. i told the kids that grandpa's tongue swelled up like they've seen, but worse. it made it hard for him to breath and he had to go to the hospital. I told them that 4 of his 5 doctors had good news to report, but that he had yet to wake up.
I did not tell them that the neurologist said that he was unresponsive. At first, i thought that meant he wouldn't wake up. I thought, Of course he isn't waking up, you have him on sedatives! but as it turned out, that wasn't why.
Momma and i started contacting people to let them know what had happened. I actually only contacted my friends and Scott and Michelle. I was all but hysterical when I called Scott. I thought I could calmly explain the situation, but i could barely get the first few words out.
Later on that day, Daddy's legs started shaking. just like the big jerks the day before, once they started, they wouldn't stop. 2 more grams of adavant, and it ended. His eyes were slit open, and he seemed to be looking forward. All day long, I held his hand and got right into his face. I told him i knew he could see me, that i loved him so much, and that i knew he would pull out of this and be okay. at that point, i still believed it. bj and i took turns talking to him, reading to him, and just chatting next to him. we had Carla again, thankfully. mid day, dad started doing something like a gag when Carla cleaned his trec out. Great, we thought, a response! later that day, bj called grandma. when she was talking, dad did the gasp thing again. like he was telling her he was still in there. but after a little while he did it again, and again, and again. and then the adavant because it turned out it was another neurological jerk.
Day 3: Carla again, arm shakes, EEG report, told the kids, Grandma/Lucky/Ricky/Tim.
This was supposed to be Carla's last day until Tuesday. She told us she may not be back with us on Wednesday... mobile assignments. Dad ended up only needing 2 grams of adavant again. this time, it was his left arm shaking at first. Start at the start, right? Tim and I got there around 4:30. they would not let us in at all, so we decided to sleep in the waiting room since grandma was coming up. i didn't want her going in until we talked to her, i didn't want her to just go in there without being properly prepared. at first, tim laid in the recliner (at my insistence) and I was going to sleep in the double chair. the double chair was so small that I couldn't even lay down with my legs bent over the side. tim then decided i needed the recliner more than he did, as I hadn't slept more than 4 hours in days. I had only had about 2 1/2 hours sleep on Thursday when I got the call. Then on friday night, i got about 3 1/2 hours... anyhow, not much sleep, as to be imagined.
so i got in the recliner, and he tried to get comfy in the double chair. I slept on my left side, so that my face was towards the door. that way, when grandma got there, if i was still asleep, she'd see me. my back was to timmy, and because he was unable to get comfy any other way, he just leaned forward and put his forehead on my butt, and slept about an hour that way. finally, it was time to go in. about 10 or so, grandma came with uncle lucky and uncle ricky. they'd gotten a bit lost, so we gave them verbal directions from their point, and i went down to the parking garage with tim. we smoked a cig or two while we waited for them.
as we walked to the elevators, grandma asked for the true update, not the sugar coated one. it was hard to deliver that to her... after all, grandpa had just passed away a few months ago.
grandma and the brothers talked to dad, told him to get up, he's missing the game, let's go grab a beer... Uncle lucky kept dangling his keys in dad's ear. while grandma was holding dad's hand, his left arm started to shake again. she put her hand on his shoulder and told him to relax, calm down, it's okay. after a few minutes of this, he stopped... NO ADAVAN!
This was the day that we got the results of the EEG back. The doctor explained to us that daddy had what was called burst waves. It would be flat for a second, and then 3 seconds of small bursts. these bursts were enough to keep his breathing going for now, and a few other things... but no thoughts, no awareness, no reparable hope. Because of this, tim and i knew we had to tell the kids what was going on when we got home. they were with Kim that day, she had a little cookout and pool party with them.
when we got home, after being booted out the door at 7 again, we had kim drop the kids off for us. she was such a great friend through all of this. keeping the kids twice, driving back and forth so we didn't have to, and talking to me as needed through the whole thing. anyways, when they got home, i sat them down in fanchon's room, and told them the whole thing, top to bottom. we all cried a little, i was pretty surprised they didn't cry more. they were both so close to him.
i told them that they could go to the hospital with me the following day, if they'd like. they both said they would. i had talked to Carla about it earlier, seeing as how the rules are 12 and above only, and eric is 10. she said just tell anyone that asks that the kids are both 12 or 12 and 13, and there'll be no problem. i instructed the kids on this, and quizzed them to make sure there'd be no problems.
The next few days were a blur. the kids went with me on monday. they talked to grandpa, fanchon just a little, eric quite a bit. at one point, eric said to me "mommy, i have to go poo". i said okay, lets go. he said "Wait a minute!" and ran to grandpa's side. "Grandpa, I have to go potty, i'll be back in a minute. I love you!" it was so cute. around 1 or so, some male nurse that i had never seen before came in to the room and asked how old the kids were. i told him 12 and 13. he said they couldn't come in unless they were 16. i told him the sign in the waiting room and the paper they gave us on day 1 said 12. he went into this bit about how their immune systems were not developed enough to handle the germs that are found in the ICU. we went back and forth until finally we left.
Wednesday, grandma came back. this time, she was with uncle lucky, cari jo, christina, and charlie. i was really glad to have charlie and christina there. they have a son that had such problems at birth. he was in the ronald mcdonald house. i don't know a ton of what happened, but i know he had to have surgery right after birth, and that the doctors didn't think he was going to make it. they went through many of the same things with Cameron at birth as we were dealing with now with daddy. they spent a few hours with us, with dad.
On thursday, we had the results of the cat scan back. basically, it said that there was extensive swelling all over the brain, and a hernia in the lower portion which pushed part of his brain into his spinal area. the results were actually delivered at momma's after diner return on wednesday (she'd go back from 8:30 to 10). the bitch main doctor that was dad's team leader gave momma a printout of the results, of which i'm quite glad. it gave me the chance to bring my laptop and do some research when i got there on thursday. this was the only day i didn't hold his hand the whole day. i explained to him i needed to do some research and figure out how to best help him. that's when i found a few things out about the ambian. i had read some on it before (ambian bringing coma patients out for 4 hours at a time).
bj had said that we were going to take dad off of his vent on friday. Monday through thursday, he was on weaning from the vent where he'd be on it for a little while, take an albuteral treatment, and then off of the vent for 2 hours. on thrusday, he was off for 5.5 hours at one point, and was supposed to be off again for another 4 that evening. however, he wasn't able to as his stats weren't strong enough. come friday, we decided to give him one more day of the vent, since things weren't going as good as we wanted. we had already sat down with Hospice, wednesday, i think, and had the whole plan for daddy to come home. on friday, Enoree came back up (our contact with hospice) to say she wouldn't be there on saturday, but someone would come to set it all up. as soon as he was off the respirator, he could be moved. the plan was to try on saturday... and pray our little hearts out.
scott and michelle were going to keep the kids for us on saturday, i really wanted tim with me. however, because it was becoming more of a hassle that a blessing to have them go, i decided to forego it. i still wanted him to come with, but i told him to stay here.
saturday was rough. i was petrified to go up there. i knew bj wouldn't do it if i wasn't there yet. but i had to go.
we waited until almost 1. the process started about 11 or 12, but because of waiting for everyone and getting the papers in order, we didn't actually do it until 11:50 ish. i held his left hand, momma his right. just before, she went to the restroom. i stood up, and spoke in his ear. "I don't want you to go daddy, but i understand if you have to. i love you, and i'm so sorry this happened to you. i'm going to be lost without you if you go. i hope that you can hold on and let us get you home. i love you"
The doctors switched his ventilator to just a oxygen supply tube. we held his hands, kissed his hands, prayed over him. he didn't even get one breath in. we watched as his heartrate went down, bit by bit... 79, 78, 77, 76... so on until it was in the 30s. then it raced up to over 100. i thought "GOOD! You're going to do it!", but he did not, in a second more, it was in the 20s, and then... then my daddy was gone forever. he left us at 12:58 PM.
I sat in there with him, holding his hand for over half an hour. at one point, 15 minutes in, i texted tim and told him i needed him NOW.
after that half hour that i sat there, crying over my lost daddy. i had to leave. he had began loosing his color, turning a yellowish shade. i couldn't look anymore. i went into the parking garage in my car and texted a few people. i told them no calls, as i couldn't speak to anyone. bj called grandma while we were still in there. she asked if i was there, and when bj said yes, grandma asked to speak to me. we talked for a few, and then she let me go.
it took tim over an hour and a half to get to me, because there were 2 big events in downtown tampa on his way here. when he got there, we hugged, and went back up. i called bj from the icu waiting room and told her we were back up there. tim wanted to go in and say goodbye, so we went back in. daddy was still warm, i think because of the warming/cooling blanket.
tim drove us back home, there was no way i could.
and that was that. i told the kids, i cried a lot, he was gone.
sunday, we went to bjs. i wanted to go to the funeral home with her, she asked me if i would go, but i'm glad... i didn't have to feel like i was imposing. it went by quickly, and she let me pick the urn, and purchased a keepsake urn for me that matches hers. tim is going to build a shelf for daddy to sit on above the TV.
and in 12 hours, we will attend his funeral.
I know I've made a few posts here of late, and because I'm too lazy to go back and read them (okay, I'm a liar, I don't want to), I'm going to just ramblingly write right now.
It's been the worst week of my life. Each day, I tried to retain my hope, and each day, I knew that BJ would be pulling the vent soon. I tried not to think about that... I tied to just keep my chin up and wish for the best. But it was never out of my head.
I tied for months to get dad to go to the doctors. each time he had a swelling, I'd try... each time I'd talk to him for any length of time, I'd try. all i heard is bj telling me that they didn't have insurance. the nurse telling me that they didn't have insurance, he'll be okay.
well she was wrong, wasn't she? very wrong... dead wrong.
Day 1: Hospital, EEG taken, whole body jerks, 5 doctors, Nurse Carla
Dad's tongue became swollen in the middle of the night. he waited until it was quite hard to breath, and then... THEN he woke her up and said they MIGHT have to go to the ER for it. not five minutes later, he was, for all intents and purposes, gone. in five minutes, his tongue was so swollen, he could not breath, and passed out. i wonder what must have gone through his mind then. when his breathing stopped, did he try to signal her? did he just pass out? Did he freak? Was he scared? I know he was scared.
and then he fell on his stomach in that small bathroom. she couldn't get him turned over so she tried to do compressions on his back. that doesn't work. you can do it on an infant, but a 294 pound man? no.
then she tried to put her fingers in his mouth but couldn't get an airway. so she left him to call 911 and get an artificial airway. it was smaller than she needed, but she had to try something.
she didn't try the epi pen i had just given them a few months ago.
the ambulance got there, and could not "secure" the airway tube, they could not intabate him. his tongue was just too big by then. how long did he go without air? how long did he have the knowledge that he couldn't breath?
so he went to the er. they did a trec about 20 minutes after he got there. what if they did an emergency trec on the ride over? what if they did the surgery as soon as he got there? what if...
Timmy took me to the ER, and he stayed for a bit. but his tummy was messing with him (IBS) and he spent a good portion of the time indisposed. i told him it was okay to go on home.
Tim, Momma, and I went in to see dad in the Er before the trec. There was a team of docs over him, and no one seemed to know what to do to fix him. I guess at that point, there was nothing that could fix him. I didn't know it, I wouldn't have believed it if they told me so... but that's just the way it is. Tim left for a restroom soon after. BJ and I sat with him, talking to the docs and praying so hard. after a few more minutes, he went to surgery. That was at 6:30 AM. BJ and I went into the surgical waiting room. We were told that he wouldn't be in there long, and then he would go to the SICU. we did not get in for almost 2 hours.
In the ICU, he had a great nurse, Carla W. She was good to us, talked to him, did her job perfectly, and took good care of us all. BJ and I sat there all day. she held one hand, i held the other. we talked to him, kissed him, told him to pull through. at that time, i knew almost nothing about the brain, about comas, about asphyxiation. within days, i knew so much. now, i know too much.
on that day, friday, i stayed until 7, when they told us we had to leave. from 4 am until 7 pm, 15 hours... kim had gone to the house and collected the kids for us, wait, was that friday? i'm sure it was... right? when bj and i went to his room, we met carla, and just sat with dad. he was breathing via the tube in his throat, his vitals were not horrible, though his pulse was elevated a bit, his blood pressure was high, and he developed a fever after a couple of hours. to bring his temp down, they put him on a cooling blanket to regulate his body temp. they wanted to keep him in a semi-hypothermic state, to prevent further damage to his organs. He ended up being on it the whole time. the only thing that was really crappy about it is where they kept the thermometer... eww. furthermore, they gave him medication for his BP, and in turn, his heart rate went down to a normal level. but he was "unresponsive". it turned out, he was not just out of it, he wasn't responding to stimuli, such as a poke in the eye, a pinch on the chest, or a stab in the big toe. he didn't move... and then he did and wouldn't stop. he would jerk, ever muscle in his body exerting at the same time, his eyes flying open, drool coming from his mouth (squeezed beside his massive tongue), and then he would relax, and then do it again. it was painful to watch. finally the neurologist ordered him on adavant to stop these movements. he said it wasn't a seizure, exactly, but the electrical currents in his brain misfiring. once he was on the adavant, it stopped. he was given 4 grams of the medication that day. towards the end of Friday, the neurologist ordered an EEG to check his brainwaves. we were told that the results should be in fairly early. turns out, that was wrong. i left when they told me i had to.
Day 2: Leg jerks, waiting for results, more of the same... what to do?
i returned the next day, by myself (Tim stayed with the kids) at 4:30. they weren't supposed to let me in, but they did. i was only able to sit with him until 6:40, then they said that they were changing shifts for the nurses, so i had to go until 8:30. I wasn't going home, and i didn't want to go to dad's house, so i slept in the car. i left the windows cracked, and the ants came in. they tore me up. i had my phone alarm set to get me up 10 minutes before i could go in, to give me time to go upstairs. when i did, i was able to stay until 7 again. i think i went downstairs to grab a bite to eat at some point, I'm not sure. i know i went out about every 1 1/2 hours for a smoke. i needed that, that break or whatever. when i came home, i told the kids the cotton candy version of the story. i never lied to them, but i never told them everything. we had seen 5 doctors, and heard that all of his organs were good, except for the neurologist. we didn't get a report from him. i told the kids that grandpa's tongue swelled up like they've seen, but worse. it made it hard for him to breath and he had to go to the hospital. I told them that 4 of his 5 doctors had good news to report, but that he had yet to wake up.
I did not tell them that the neurologist said that he was unresponsive. At first, i thought that meant he wouldn't wake up. I thought, Of course he isn't waking up, you have him on sedatives! but as it turned out, that wasn't why.
Momma and i started contacting people to let them know what had happened. I actually only contacted my friends and Scott and Michelle. I was all but hysterical when I called Scott. I thought I could calmly explain the situation, but i could barely get the first few words out.
Later on that day, Daddy's legs started shaking. just like the big jerks the day before, once they started, they wouldn't stop. 2 more grams of adavant, and it ended. His eyes were slit open, and he seemed to be looking forward. All day long, I held his hand and got right into his face. I told him i knew he could see me, that i loved him so much, and that i knew he would pull out of this and be okay. at that point, i still believed it. bj and i took turns talking to him, reading to him, and just chatting next to him. we had Carla again, thankfully. mid day, dad started doing something like a gag when Carla cleaned his trec out. Great, we thought, a response! later that day, bj called grandma. when she was talking, dad did the gasp thing again. like he was telling her he was still in there. but after a little while he did it again, and again, and again. and then the adavant because it turned out it was another neurological jerk.
Day 3: Carla again, arm shakes, EEG report, told the kids, Grandma/Lucky/Ricky/Tim.
This was supposed to be Carla's last day until Tuesday. She told us she may not be back with us on Wednesday... mobile assignments. Dad ended up only needing 2 grams of adavant again. this time, it was his left arm shaking at first. Start at the start, right? Tim and I got there around 4:30. they would not let us in at all, so we decided to sleep in the waiting room since grandma was coming up. i didn't want her going in until we talked to her, i didn't want her to just go in there without being properly prepared. at first, tim laid in the recliner (at my insistence) and I was going to sleep in the double chair. the double chair was so small that I couldn't even lay down with my legs bent over the side. tim then decided i needed the recliner more than he did, as I hadn't slept more than 4 hours in days. I had only had about 2 1/2 hours sleep on Thursday when I got the call. Then on friday night, i got about 3 1/2 hours... anyhow, not much sleep, as to be imagined.
so i got in the recliner, and he tried to get comfy in the double chair. I slept on my left side, so that my face was towards the door. that way, when grandma got there, if i was still asleep, she'd see me. my back was to timmy, and because he was unable to get comfy any other way, he just leaned forward and put his forehead on my butt, and slept about an hour that way. finally, it was time to go in. about 10 or so, grandma came with uncle lucky and uncle ricky. they'd gotten a bit lost, so we gave them verbal directions from their point, and i went down to the parking garage with tim. we smoked a cig or two while we waited for them.
as we walked to the elevators, grandma asked for the true update, not the sugar coated one. it was hard to deliver that to her... after all, grandpa had just passed away a few months ago.
grandma and the brothers talked to dad, told him to get up, he's missing the game, let's go grab a beer... Uncle lucky kept dangling his keys in dad's ear. while grandma was holding dad's hand, his left arm started to shake again. she put her hand on his shoulder and told him to relax, calm down, it's okay. after a few minutes of this, he stopped... NO ADAVAN!
This was the day that we got the results of the EEG back. The doctor explained to us that daddy had what was called burst waves. It would be flat for a second, and then 3 seconds of small bursts. these bursts were enough to keep his breathing going for now, and a few other things... but no thoughts, no awareness, no reparable hope. Because of this, tim and i knew we had to tell the kids what was going on when we got home. they were with Kim that day, she had a little cookout and pool party with them.
when we got home, after being booted out the door at 7 again, we had kim drop the kids off for us. she was such a great friend through all of this. keeping the kids twice, driving back and forth so we didn't have to, and talking to me as needed through the whole thing. anyways, when they got home, i sat them down in fanchon's room, and told them the whole thing, top to bottom. we all cried a little, i was pretty surprised they didn't cry more. they were both so close to him.
i told them that they could go to the hospital with me the following day, if they'd like. they both said they would. i had talked to Carla about it earlier, seeing as how the rules are 12 and above only, and eric is 10. she said just tell anyone that asks that the kids are both 12 or 12 and 13, and there'll be no problem. i instructed the kids on this, and quizzed them to make sure there'd be no problems.
The next few days were a blur. the kids went with me on monday. they talked to grandpa, fanchon just a little, eric quite a bit. at one point, eric said to me "mommy, i have to go poo". i said okay, lets go. he said "Wait a minute!" and ran to grandpa's side. "Grandpa, I have to go potty, i'll be back in a minute. I love you!" it was so cute. around 1 or so, some male nurse that i had never seen before came in to the room and asked how old the kids were. i told him 12 and 13. he said they couldn't come in unless they were 16. i told him the sign in the waiting room and the paper they gave us on day 1 said 12. he went into this bit about how their immune systems were not developed enough to handle the germs that are found in the ICU. we went back and forth until finally we left.
Wednesday, grandma came back. this time, she was with uncle lucky, cari jo, christina, and charlie. i was really glad to have charlie and christina there. they have a son that had such problems at birth. he was in the ronald mcdonald house. i don't know a ton of what happened, but i know he had to have surgery right after birth, and that the doctors didn't think he was going to make it. they went through many of the same things with Cameron at birth as we were dealing with now with daddy. they spent a few hours with us, with dad.
On thursday, we had the results of the cat scan back. basically, it said that there was extensive swelling all over the brain, and a hernia in the lower portion which pushed part of his brain into his spinal area. the results were actually delivered at momma's after diner return on wednesday (she'd go back from 8:30 to 10). the bitch main doctor that was dad's team leader gave momma a printout of the results, of which i'm quite glad. it gave me the chance to bring my laptop and do some research when i got there on thursday. this was the only day i didn't hold his hand the whole day. i explained to him i needed to do some research and figure out how to best help him. that's when i found a few things out about the ambian. i had read some on it before (ambian bringing coma patients out for 4 hours at a time).
bj had said that we were going to take dad off of his vent on friday. Monday through thursday, he was on weaning from the vent where he'd be on it for a little while, take an albuteral treatment, and then off of the vent for 2 hours. on thrusday, he was off for 5.5 hours at one point, and was supposed to be off again for another 4 that evening. however, he wasn't able to as his stats weren't strong enough. come friday, we decided to give him one more day of the vent, since things weren't going as good as we wanted. we had already sat down with Hospice, wednesday, i think, and had the whole plan for daddy to come home. on friday, Enoree came back up (our contact with hospice) to say she wouldn't be there on saturday, but someone would come to set it all up. as soon as he was off the respirator, he could be moved. the plan was to try on saturday... and pray our little hearts out.
scott and michelle were going to keep the kids for us on saturday, i really wanted tim with me. however, because it was becoming more of a hassle that a blessing to have them go, i decided to forego it. i still wanted him to come with, but i told him to stay here.
saturday was rough. i was petrified to go up there. i knew bj wouldn't do it if i wasn't there yet. but i had to go.
we waited until almost 1. the process started about 11 or 12, but because of waiting for everyone and getting the papers in order, we didn't actually do it until 11:50 ish. i held his left hand, momma his right. just before, she went to the restroom. i stood up, and spoke in his ear. "I don't want you to go daddy, but i understand if you have to. i love you, and i'm so sorry this happened to you. i'm going to be lost without you if you go. i hope that you can hold on and let us get you home. i love you"
The doctors switched his ventilator to just a oxygen supply tube. we held his hands, kissed his hands, prayed over him. he didn't even get one breath in. we watched as his heartrate went down, bit by bit... 79, 78, 77, 76... so on until it was in the 30s. then it raced up to over 100. i thought "GOOD! You're going to do it!", but he did not, in a second more, it was in the 20s, and then... then my daddy was gone forever. he left us at 12:58 PM.
I sat in there with him, holding his hand for over half an hour. at one point, 15 minutes in, i texted tim and told him i needed him NOW.
after that half hour that i sat there, crying over my lost daddy. i had to leave. he had began loosing his color, turning a yellowish shade. i couldn't look anymore. i went into the parking garage in my car and texted a few people. i told them no calls, as i couldn't speak to anyone. bj called grandma while we were still in there. she asked if i was there, and when bj said yes, grandma asked to speak to me. we talked for a few, and then she let me go.
it took tim over an hour and a half to get to me, because there were 2 big events in downtown tampa on his way here. when he got there, we hugged, and went back up. i called bj from the icu waiting room and told her we were back up there. tim wanted to go in and say goodbye, so we went back in. daddy was still warm, i think because of the warming/cooling blanket.
tim drove us back home, there was no way i could.
and that was that. i told the kids, i cried a lot, he was gone.
sunday, we went to bjs. i wanted to go to the funeral home with her, she asked me if i would go, but i'm glad... i didn't have to feel like i was imposing. it went by quickly, and she let me pick the urn, and purchased a keepsake urn for me that matches hers. tim is going to build a shelf for daddy to sit on above the TV.
and in 12 hours, we will attend his funeral.