::calms down a lot::

[pyscho_yamirulr]

Wow, these past few days have been emotionally hard. The cause was all in my own mind. I became really scared, and jealous, and shaky for a couple days. I went to Red Bug park Friday to try and calm myself (I found the cutest grey cat and kitten there!) but it didn't really work, partly because my mom forgot about me again. Having my parents forget about me makes me more upset -alway. So calming down was kind of a lost cause for Friday. Then I spent all of Friday night keeping myself busy by cleaning, baking, and translating. I didn't really sleep that night, and then Saturday I was stuck out in the sun for two hours, and got a bad sun burn. The football game made me late to the mall wwhere I was going to meet people to watch a movie. When I got to the mall, I couldn't find anyone, and I began to feel really vulnerable, and alone. I knew where everyone was going to be, and I knew that when I went to Aprille's shop they would all be there, laughing and having a good time. I knew that no one would have noticed that I wasn't there yet, no one had called my cell, there were no missed calls on my cell either. When I came close enough to the store I could see everyone in there having a good ol' time. I cracked, I turned right around, and walked quickly away trying not to cry. About halfway to the food court, I got a call from Rachel, the first call, and I was crushed, I told her in a shaky voice that I still wasn't at the mall, and that I would be there soon. I almost ran the rest of the way to the back of the food court, I found an empty bench, and sat there and cried. I cried but not for long, I went into the bathroom, cleaned up my eeys, took several shaky breathes and left to go back to Aprilles shop. On the way there my eyes were drying, they were still wet from my tears. I met Corey, Daniel, Kit, and Rachel on the way to the shop. They were going to get smoothies. Rachel thought there was something wrong, but I told her there wasn't, I didn't want to worry her about something that I knew was all in my head. Yeah, I realized it when I first started feeling depressed, but I couldn't stop it, it just got worse because I knew that it was all in my head, but that just made me feel stupid. Anyway, then I went to buy sandals to try and calm myself to make myself a bit happier. It didn't really work. We went back to Aprille's shop and the entire time Rachel kept asking me if something was wrong, and I kept lying. When we got back to the shop Aprille was taking a break, and we went with her to buy pretzels. Everytime that I tried to talk, I almost started crying again. No one really noticed that except Rachel, and Aprille. Aprille kept asking if something was wrong as well. I said no to her as well. It wasn't until I was alone with her in her shop when I was buying things from her did I tell someone what was wrong. At the time I didn't know why I trusted her so much when I barely knew her, but I did and I told her a lot. She made me feel a lot better. I learned a lot from our conversation. She understood a lot about me because she's known me before. Once I gave her a place to rest, when she was known by another name. She knows who I am, and what I do, and what I go through because of what I do. What she said after that made me feel like I was strong and could make it. I had in the past, I could now. Talking to her gave me the confidence to talk to Chloe a few minutes later. I took Chloe aside, and just let out all the feelings of aggression, pain, depression, and all of the negative feelings that I had. It wasn't that I hated Chloe, but just my mind made me feel as though I was competing with her, and I wanted her to know that I was sorry if I was ever negative towards her because of it, and that I wanted to be good friends with her. Doing that made me feel a lot better, and more open. I'm hoping that I won't feel threatened by her because of my mind fooling me anymore. Chloe's an awesome person and I hope to become better friends with her soon. I bought us and Rachel pretty bangles then because I was feeling corny, and they were shiny. When we met back up with the group we went to see the movie: The Convenent. I told Rachel why I was feeling depressed, and why I didn't tell her why before. I was afriad that Rachel would have worried, and found a way to blame herself, and I didn't want that. It wasn't her fault at all, my mind was playing tricks on me. There wasn't anything that she did, and if anything all that she did was helping me.

I know that my actions made you depressive, and worry, and stress, and I'm really sorry. I'm just so afraid of losing you. I don't want you to go away, and I know that you never will, but I still get scared, and my mind plays tricks on me. I'll try to be better and let you know why earlier because I know it makes things worse when I don't. I gave you a candle rose because I know that you'll never burn it, and I know that you'll keep it forever. As long as that rose never leaves, I won't either. I will love you always, and I'm sorry that I can be so stupid at times.

-From K but transcribed by T. because it was cute >.