go home, nothing to see here
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
I am alternating between an angry spiteful hatred and an empty echoing sense of loss.
I am not myself... not by a long shot. I don't like this.
I want to scream at you, that you are a coward that you just destroyed the one good thing you had. You just pushed away the one person who was willing to walk with you through the darkness of finding yourself. I wanted to be there for you because I know how hard that is. But you just pushed me away. Fuck you. It hurts. But you brought it on yourself. You need to feel this pain. You don't deserve to ignore my existence. I hope you think of me for a very long time. Maybe that will finally motivate you to grab the fucking steering wheel.
Then at the same time I am grieving for the loss of what we had. I want it back. I am not ready for this to end. What we had was good. And this ending seems so premature. I know that the good times far outweigh the stress of the distance. It was all worth it. Only now I'm already starting to forget what it felt like to be in your arms.Forgetting that absolute thrill that would surge through me when you said you were mine. Forgetting your laugh and your smile. And yet I still have to wonder, did you actually feel any of it? Did any of that get through your emotional firewall or was it all just an act?
You have been a very real part of my transformation over the past 2 years. Not all of it was good transformation but it was transformation none the less. I learned from it , I grew from it. I am a better person today because of it. Because I am constantly changing, ever evolving. I will take this pain and this hurt and use it to forge the fire of my rebirth. You will be part of me in memory. Something from the shadowy past, that will float half remembered through my mind. I can only hope that you find some solace in the fact that I am better for this.
I write this here, because I know that you will never look. I don't think that you can face the pain of being reminded of me. I also share this as the last glimpse into who I am because you no longer have the privilege of knowing me. I don't know if you really understand the sheer madness and pain of silence. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and through all of this what killed me was never knowing you, your feelings and your thoughts. So now I shut myself off from sharing. To let you see what its been like for me.
Enjoy the Silence
I am alternating between an angry spiteful hatred and an empty echoing sense of loss.
I am not myself... not by a long shot. I don't like this.
I want to scream at you, that you are a coward that you just destroyed the one good thing you had. You just pushed away the one person who was willing to walk with you through the darkness of finding yourself. I wanted to be there for you because I know how hard that is. But you just pushed me away. Fuck you. It hurts. But you brought it on yourself. You need to feel this pain. You don't deserve to ignore my existence. I hope you think of me for a very long time. Maybe that will finally motivate you to grab the fucking steering wheel.
Then at the same time I am grieving for the loss of what we had. I want it back. I am not ready for this to end. What we had was good. And this ending seems so premature. I know that the good times far outweigh the stress of the distance. It was all worth it. Only now I'm already starting to forget what it felt like to be in your arms.Forgetting that absolute thrill that would surge through me when you said you were mine. Forgetting your laugh and your smile. And yet I still have to wonder, did you actually feel any of it? Did any of that get through your emotional firewall or was it all just an act?
You have been a very real part of my transformation over the past 2 years. Not all of it was good transformation but it was transformation none the less. I learned from it , I grew from it. I am a better person today because of it. Because I am constantly changing, ever evolving. I will take this pain and this hurt and use it to forge the fire of my rebirth. You will be part of me in memory. Something from the shadowy past, that will float half remembered through my mind. I can only hope that you find some solace in the fact that I am better for this.
I write this here, because I know that you will never look. I don't think that you can face the pain of being reminded of me. I also share this as the last glimpse into who I am because you no longer have the privilege of knowing me. I don't know if you really understand the sheer madness and pain of silence. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and through all of this what killed me was never knowing you, your feelings and your thoughts. So now I shut myself off from sharing. To let you see what its been like for me.
Enjoy the Silence