Hetalia Sims 2: From Veveve to Kolkolkol
So it turns out that whole "Sims" thing is pretty popular. Who knew? I mean, aside from everybody alive other than me.
(Did you miss Part 1? No problem, check it out here.)
The poll results were rather interesting: it turns out that poll-takers love Russia, but Russians hate The Sims. This is probably one of those cosmic Zen balance things I've heard about.
Anyway, Germany/Italy and Russia's household won. So first up: Germany!
Unfortunately, none of Germany's possible lifetime wishes were all that satisfying. "Perfect Mind, Perfect Body" was the best I could do (Japan, already running around in town, has the same one).
Did you know that Germany doesn't have a canonical last name? That seems strange to me. Fucking Egypt has a last name, but not Germany. Because I needed to put something in the text field, I gave him the same last name as Prussia (Weillschmidt) since hey, they're brothers, right?
I was rather happier with his traits.
I would say with some confidence that Germany qualifies as 'ambitious.'
Also in his household: Italy!
He's scratching his head, by the way, not flipping us off. That'd be Mafiatalia, or I guess Romano, although that does remind me to give Romano the black and red razor sharp suit when I get to him. It's too bad you can't give your sims a smoking habit. Cigars and a Beretta would make it perfect. At least I can get him into fights. Although there's no way of making it so that he can only win them if he's wearing The Suit.
...Right, sorry, where was I?
And in the ongoing "extremely relevant favorites" file:
I start them off married. Anyone who wants to convince me that they're not married is welcome to report to the customer's service center behind the door marked I'm Not Fucking Listening.
I get them in game. Literally the moment they're loaded up and I manage to zoom in on them, this is what I see:
Jesus Christ, guys. I haven't even moved you into a house with a bed, yet.
(You can't have sex anywhere but on a bed, in The Sims. Actually, you can't even have sex on a single bed, only a double bed. I think this shows a sad failure of imagination on the part of the game designers. While I understand that there might be a few raised eyebrows if they made walls, floors, kitchen counters, etc all valid surfaces for this activity, not to mention the additional challenge of coding in all those, er, animations, I still think single beds should be valid. You should just get a debuff afterwards. You know: "Sore: -25 mood. From unsatisfying sex in a confined space.")
Excellently, and I bitterly regret not getting a screenshot of this, Sweden and Finland were standing on their front lawn while this was going on, just gaping at Germany and Italy. What makes me regret not capturing this even more is that Sweden had managed to get Finland pregnant. I only had story-progression on for five minutes, I swear to God, while I was switching between games, so Sweden must have been impregnating Finland at that moment.
This is actually kind of disappointing to me, for a number of reasons:
1) I said no babies, god damn it.
2) Because mpreg is a bug, Finland's body is now invisible. He's just a little waddling head, scurrying around Hetaliatown.
3) I had always kind of hoped that Finland would top.
Oh well.
I move Germany and Italy into their house and train their starter skills: Germany got Athletics, Logic, and Handiness, and Italy got Cooking, Painting, and Guitar (---> Music; the guitar is, unfortunately, the only instrument in the game. This breaks my heart even more for Austria, who I think we can all agree is badly in need of a piano). None of the careers really felt perfect for Germany, but I eventually went with the International Peacekeeper/Killjoy option, and dumped him into law enforcement. Italy is too useless to work, and will wander around town, hitting on pretty girls and painting things.
Because he's Childish, he also has this conversation option:
This ranges from whining at other characters to play soccer with him (okay, tag, but we're gonna pretend it's soccer) to doing the "got yer nose" thing. This can be used to irritate Germany at any time, and will be, often.
As I was sorting out their household, Germany wandered around and started watching Italy paint. He watched for about 20 in-game minutes, and then this lifetime wish flashed up:
That struck me as so adorable and canonical that I hurried him off to do so at once. Isn't this just too perfect?
Come on, that's fucking precious.
Feeling like I had nothing left to contribute, I moved on to Russia's household.
Russia wants to be a spy. Somehow, and don't ask me how, I feel like this isn't going to be a big stretch.
Hang on, though, first of all, closeup.
Permission to think Russia is adorable? It's just a shame that there's no option to equip him with a scarf.
Relevant Favorite:
Of course.
I forgot to get Ukraine's traits, but you can at least read the titles off to the left, there.
The "commitment issues" thing is a rib about Ukraine's issues with her bid to join Nato. It's probably in bad taste. Giving her the Mooch trait is definitely in bad taste. But it still makes me laugh when she goes around hitting everyone she knows up for cash.
I never said I was a good person.
I say "Surrounded by Family," but obviously she just means Russia. (She'll never get this lifetime wish, unfortunately, since it actually calls for raising five children, and Hetaliatown is incompatible with babies. But given that Russia never does give in to her advances, and seems to be backpedaling from the whole Union State thing as fast as he can, it seems somehow fitting that Bela will never even get her wish in The Sims.
(The "No sex in the USSR" thing is actually kind of a funny story.)
The three of them live in a huge, creepy house out in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, dig this joint:
It's also haunted.
Like, really haunted.
Like, seriously fucking haunted.
I counted at least five different ghosts wandering around at one point. That last ghost went into Belarus's room, turned on her stereo to wake her up, and then walked out. Ghosts are dicks. (Ukraine still tried to hit one of them up for money, but unfortunately it dissipated in a cloud of screaming ectoplasm before it could cough up any cash. Next time, Ukraine. Next time.)
The ghosts do have names, but I'm going to pretend they're the ghosts of all the countries Russia has devoured or destroyed over the centuries. Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine pretty much just ignore them.
Blah blah, train them their skills, get them signed up to their careers. Ukraine is a farmer, so she doesn't have a normal job, but she also has no free time. Poor girl.
While I have them scurrying around, Ukraine runs into France. She instantly takes a shine to him. By the time I zoomed in on her and gently escorted her away, he had already flirted her into a giggly puddle on the grocery store sidewalk. Fucking great.
Oh Ukraine. You really don't know what you're getting into.
Then again, neither does he.
Belarus goes into a life of crime (the Belarussian black market being the really amazing place that it is) and Russia goes to pursue his dream of becoming an international superspy by signing up for law enforcement (the special agent track is a branch he'll get to opt into as he levels up).
I run him down to the police station. I get this message.
Oh, this is going to go so well.
Here's your poll!
Poll
Omake: Poland!
(Did you miss Part 1? No problem, check it out here.)
The poll results were rather interesting: it turns out that poll-takers love Russia, but Russians hate The Sims. This is probably one of those cosmic Zen balance things I've heard about.
Anyway, Germany/Italy and Russia's household won. So first up: Germany!
Unfortunately, none of Germany's possible lifetime wishes were all that satisfying. "Perfect Mind, Perfect Body" was the best I could do (Japan, already running around in town, has the same one).
Did you know that Germany doesn't have a canonical last name? That seems strange to me. Fucking Egypt has a last name, but not Germany. Because I needed to put something in the text field, I gave him the same last name as Prussia (Weillschmidt) since hey, they're brothers, right?
I was rather happier with his traits.
I would say with some confidence that Germany qualifies as 'ambitious.'
Also in his household: Italy!
He's scratching his head, by the way, not flipping us off. That'd be Mafiatalia, or I guess Romano, although that does remind me to give Romano the black and red razor sharp suit when I get to him. It's too bad you can't give your sims a smoking habit. Cigars and a Beretta would make it perfect. At least I can get him into fights. Although there's no way of making it so that he can only win them if he's wearing The Suit.
...Right, sorry, where was I?
And in the ongoing "extremely relevant favorites" file:
I start them off married. Anyone who wants to convince me that they're not married is welcome to report to the customer's service center behind the door marked I'm Not Fucking Listening.
I get them in game. Literally the moment they're loaded up and I manage to zoom in on them, this is what I see:
Jesus Christ, guys. I haven't even moved you into a house with a bed, yet.
(You can't have sex anywhere but on a bed, in The Sims. Actually, you can't even have sex on a single bed, only a double bed. I think this shows a sad failure of imagination on the part of the game designers. While I understand that there might be a few raised eyebrows if they made walls, floors, kitchen counters, etc all valid surfaces for this activity, not to mention the additional challenge of coding in all those, er, animations, I still think single beds should be valid. You should just get a debuff afterwards. You know: "Sore: -25 mood. From unsatisfying sex in a confined space.")
Excellently, and I bitterly regret not getting a screenshot of this, Sweden and Finland were standing on their front lawn while this was going on, just gaping at Germany and Italy. What makes me regret not capturing this even more is that Sweden had managed to get Finland pregnant. I only had story-progression on for five minutes, I swear to God, while I was switching between games, so Sweden must have been impregnating Finland at that moment.
This is actually kind of disappointing to me, for a number of reasons:
1) I said no babies, god damn it.
2) Because mpreg is a bug, Finland's body is now invisible. He's just a little waddling head, scurrying around Hetaliatown.
3) I had always kind of hoped that Finland would top.
Oh well.
I move Germany and Italy into their house and train their starter skills: Germany got Athletics, Logic, and Handiness, and Italy got Cooking, Painting, and Guitar (---> Music; the guitar is, unfortunately, the only instrument in the game. This breaks my heart even more for Austria, who I think we can all agree is badly in need of a piano). None of the careers really felt perfect for Germany, but I eventually went with the International Peacekeeper/Killjoy option, and dumped him into law enforcement. Italy is too useless to work, and will wander around town, hitting on pretty girls and painting things.
Because he's Childish, he also has this conversation option:
This ranges from whining at other characters to play soccer with him (okay, tag, but we're gonna pretend it's soccer) to doing the "got yer nose" thing. This can be used to irritate Germany at any time, and will be, often.
As I was sorting out their household, Germany wandered around and started watching Italy paint. He watched for about 20 in-game minutes, and then this lifetime wish flashed up:
That struck me as so adorable and canonical that I hurried him off to do so at once. Isn't this just too perfect?
Come on, that's fucking precious.
Feeling like I had nothing left to contribute, I moved on to Russia's household.
Russia wants to be a spy. Somehow, and don't ask me how, I feel like this isn't going to be a big stretch.
Hang on, though, first of all, closeup.
Permission to think Russia is adorable? It's just a shame that there's no option to equip him with a scarf.
Relevant Favorite:
Of course.
I forgot to get Ukraine's traits, but you can at least read the titles off to the left, there.
The "commitment issues" thing is a rib about Ukraine's issues with her bid to join Nato. It's probably in bad taste. Giving her the Mooch trait is definitely in bad taste. But it still makes me laugh when she goes around hitting everyone she knows up for cash.
I never said I was a good person.
I say "Surrounded by Family," but obviously she just means Russia. (She'll never get this lifetime wish, unfortunately, since it actually calls for raising five children, and Hetaliatown is incompatible with babies. But given that Russia never does give in to her advances, and seems to be backpedaling from the whole Union State thing as fast as he can, it seems somehow fitting that Bela will never even get her wish in The Sims.
(The "No sex in the USSR" thing is actually kind of a funny story.)
The three of them live in a huge, creepy house out in the middle of nowhere. Seriously, dig this joint:
It's also haunted.
Like, really haunted.
Like, seriously fucking haunted.
I counted at least five different ghosts wandering around at one point. That last ghost went into Belarus's room, turned on her stereo to wake her up, and then walked out. Ghosts are dicks. (Ukraine still tried to hit one of them up for money, but unfortunately it dissipated in a cloud of screaming ectoplasm before it could cough up any cash. Next time, Ukraine. Next time.)
The ghosts do have names, but I'm going to pretend they're the ghosts of all the countries Russia has devoured or destroyed over the centuries. Russia, Belarus, and Ukraine pretty much just ignore them.
Blah blah, train them their skills, get them signed up to their careers. Ukraine is a farmer, so she doesn't have a normal job, but she also has no free time. Poor girl.
While I have them scurrying around, Ukraine runs into France. She instantly takes a shine to him. By the time I zoomed in on her and gently escorted her away, he had already flirted her into a giggly puddle on the grocery store sidewalk. Fucking great.
Oh Ukraine. You really don't know what you're getting into.
Then again, neither does he.
Belarus goes into a life of crime (the Belarussian black market being the really amazing place that it is) and Russia goes to pursue his dream of becoming an international superspy by signing up for law enforcement (the special agent track is a branch he'll get to opt into as he levels up).
I run him down to the police station. I get this message.
Oh, this is going to go so well.
Here's your poll!
Poll
Omake: Poland!