there should be a theme park based on this

May 09, 2010 22:20

Just some more thought trains that cruised off the tracks and are now hiding in the wild. They learned how to hunt from wolves, and explorers sometimes say they can see glimpses of these trains in the dense forests. They've developed anthropomorphic faces like Thomas the Tank Engine, only they're really shy and skittish and live off of bananas.

Anthropomorphic trains. In the rainforest. Hunting anthropomorphic bananas. With wolves. Even though I don't think there are any wolves in the rainforest. Either way, there are trains out there. Thought trains.

...They're mine and I should post a reward for finding them.



1) The liberal media...

Doesn't exist. If "the liberal media" existed, it wouldn't be owned mostly by conservative corporations, a prime example of this being News Corporation. (See? It's even got "news" in its name! It must be all about news!!) It's headed by the ball of fun known as Rupert Murdoch.

Hello, Mr. Billionaire. Hi. Say hi to the sexy wife who's half your age, too. (And at your age, I mean she's nearly 40 years your junior.) Thanks for trying to push your political agenda through the television stations you own. The world owes a lot to you.

Why "the liberal media", then? Well, the conservative-owned media thinks they can play the victim when people don't agree with them. There are liberal voices in the media, but that's because if the conservative-owned media didn't let these guys have their say, they wouldn't be able to make money off of the liberal side as well.

There is no such thing as "the liberal media". That's just a conspiracy theory, with as much truth to it as Bigfoot.

2) Converting to Christianity (or any religion, for that matter)

Brit Hume said that Tiger Woods should convert to Christianity because it's more forgiving to adulterers. That...seems like a really bad thing. Hmm...

So I started thinking about what it would take to convert me into a true believer. People shouting in my face doesn't work. Talk of heaven and hell doesn't work. Small children fearing me because their mommies told them not to associate with big bad atheists...doesn't work. These I know from experience. If you won't deal with me just because of ideological differences that I don't even push onto others, then you're not worth dealing with.

But what if Jesus or some other divine prophet were to appear before me and state that He is the only way to salvation? Would I believe? Maybe. Would I convert? I don't think so.

Actually, I'd probably run away screaming. And then after calming down a bit, I'd ask him why the fuck he supports that bastard father of his.

Jesus: I'm trying to save you from eternal hellfire, kiddo.

Me: YEAH? BURN ME! FUCK YOUR INEFFABILITY. EXPLAIN YOUR FATHER'S CRUELTY OR GTFO.

Jesus: I can't. That's in the definition of "ineffable". Just...get on your knees - no, no, I know the sinful thought that just crossed your mind, but that's not it - get on your knees and pray for forgiveness. Accept the Word of God. Accept that sometimes the all-powerful Creator of the Universe needs to brutally murder people in elaborate Godly chess games, and come on up to heaven where you will be joined by other like-minded souls: cowards who abandon their creed of love and peace when it comes to mindlessly defending their religious dogma.

Me: ...Fuck, J-bro, that sounds a lot like hell.

J-bro: The other religions don't fare much better. Valhalla, for example, is populated mostly with raping, pillaging Vikings. At least we have a nice selection of Medieval crusaders, jihadists, Klansmen...and normal people, too. Very stimulating conversation. You'd love it there.

Me: I'd love to hang myself just to go there right now. I'd love to gag myself with a spoon.

J-bro: Sarcasm duly noted. However, the alternative is hell. That would hurt a LOT. It's infinite, eternal pain. I'm not sure you understand the gravity of the situation.

Me: Uh, no. I'm a horrible person, and if you were to send me to hell for not blindly worshiping a mass murderer, I'd feel honored. Martyred, if you will. Besides, the human mind can't handle infinity of any sort; neither heaven nor hell. Eventually, heaven would turn into infinite, eternal pain, too.

J-bro: Ticket to hell, then?

Me: Nah, I'll pass. Sign me up for the big Nothing. You're not such a bad guy, though. We should hang out sometime.

NOT EVEN JESUS WOULD WORK? WHAT WOULD IT TAKE?!?

I'd give lip service if my life were threatened, but that's not the same as believing. It might have to be something like entering an altered state of consciousness and never snapping out of it.

The closest I've been to believing was when I was stuck alone in a foreign country for an extended period of time, and the only woman I connected to was a devout Christian. She was a nice, sweet old lady who thought I had been specially blessed by God even though I told her I was an atheist. She said she had felt His presence and seen Him, and that He had actually come to offer her support in her time of need, etc. Strange lights and everything.

And as we were having this long conversation, she said she could see God's presence in me right that very second. Not in the "God is everywhere" way, though she believed that. It was just that we had been talking about a lot of things, and I think I impressed her. I don't remember the specifics, but she despaired of "kids these days", and then we talked about mysteries of the world. Knowing me, I said something introspective or idealistic and filled with sparkly rainbows of world peace. And she said that God's presence was especially strong in me. Like, "the Force is with you, my child."

I make fun of it now, but not of her. She was a genuinely good person, and when she said that to me, I felt it. No, I'm freakin' serious. I FELT. GOD. I felt God.

More specifically, I felt what it was like to feel God - that tingly euphoric sensation. The feeling of being a soul floating over your body, and sensing both the body and that detached part of consciousness somewhere in the back of your mind. I went out of that experience questioning if maybe she was right, and I continued clinging to that strange, euphoric feeling until my environment stabilized.

Basically, I went home. My mind cleared. I was calm enough to figure out what happened, and what happened was that I was in a vulnerable state that left me open to that type of experience. I had had them before, though not as strongly. I had, as an atheist, had spiritual experiences. It's the type of feeling that I get every time I look up at the stars, think about astronomy and physics, and feel humbled before the grandeur of the Universe and all that I don't know. It was just like that, only I had never felt quite so vulnerable before, and so the experience had never been so "Godlike".

If I could permanently enter that state, though, I think I could be converted.

Solution?

Um...mind-altering drugs. Like, maybe some LSD. And by "some", of course I mean "enough to keep me continuously high for the rest of my life, or until I snap from too many bad trips". As soon as I lose that woozy state of mind, I'll revert to my evil, skeptical ways.

3) Squirrels

I like them.

4) Ghetto chicken and fish shacks

Y SO DELICIOUS, FRIED FOOD? I felt guilty, so I went for more veggies after that binge.

But yeah, thinking about food and health and stuff makes me think of boobs.

Why do they have to hurt us? I'm directing this question at my mammary glands: Why, boobs? Why?

5) Space. Also vampires.

I like the idea of extraterrestrial beings listening in on our radio waves. They would hear the flapping meat sounds made from air passing through our vocal folds and be intrigued. They would decode our flappy meat sounds and learn our languages and be entertained by our radio shows long after we're dead and the sun's burned out. It would be cool to be remembered in that way.

It would be cooler if they continued the vampire/werewolf rivalry in their culture after listening to us. No, seriously, that would be wicked. And, like, they would learn Chuck Norris jokes and be amazed by what a douchebag Rush Limbaugh was. Fuck yeah.

My total love goes to the future aliens if they, like, make the werewolves win, because I stopped liking vampires after Lestat went pussy in Memnoch the Devil.

IDK, I read that sometime in high school. What's-his-face-who-was-played-by-Antonio-Banderas-in-the-film-adaptation-of-Interview-with-a-Vampire burns up in the sun and Lestat drinks menstrual blood via cunnilingus and everyone finds God. That's my book review.

It confused me, but I totally meant it about Lestat going pussy. Going for pussy, get it? Ahahaha! Hahaha! Ha.
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