jemerling's state of the union (love life edition)
Just outside my plane seat window I can see the engine gently highlighted by the full moon, and for the past 20 minutes I’ve watched the most spectacular lightning show illuminate the clouds and dance across the sky. In all my years of flying, I’ve never seen anything so beautiful (besides Greenland) at 35,000 feet. I can’t help but pause and take in this incredible showcase of electricity and think about love connections. Is that a bit of a stretch? Maybe… but to be fair, I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and this view is just so damn romantic anyway so please bear with me (I’m a sentimental sap).
I’ve been single for four years now, which is significant because it also marks how long I’ve been focused on bettering myself and my career. I broke up with my last boyfriend upon realizing that our relationship had run its course and new job opportunities were becoming increasingly more important to me than our three year relationship. To be clear: I’m not a pick-your-career-over-your-love-life type of person (I believe I can have a healthy balance of both), I just hadn’t really gotten my shit together, and, up until that point, I had always picked my boyfriends over good work opportunities when given the choice. I can distinctly remember turning down a few out of town internship possibilities back in college because I was afraid my then-relationship wouldn’t survive the long distance. That was something I regretted for a while and felt had a direct effect on the stagnant nature of where my career was when I was 26. I finally hit a point where I just didn’t want to waste my potential anymore and wanted to focus 100% on getting things off the ground, for real. So there I was, feeling held back by a relationship I knew had no future and I knew without a doubt that it was simply time to focus on just me and do the whole “emerging adulthood” thing.
Which I did! And it’s been great. I totally got my shit together: I moved to Los Angeles, I built my business into a great success, I’ve bonded with a great group of friends, and in general I’ve made a pretty good life for myself. Getting all that sorted out has felt really good, and it’s also made me realize that I’m ready to open up my heart again to love. But every time my anniversary of being single comes around, I think to myself: “okay! It’s time to meet the love of my life now - I’m ready!” …and it doesn’t happen.
This can be a pretty depressing experience, especially when it’s on the heels of me getting over a pretty serious crush that - once again - didn’t pan out for whatever reason. Over the past few years, I have almost dated a handful of guys I truly liked, but it never really amounts to anything other than some fantasy in my head I let get out of control and bum me out. When I finally do pull myself out of the depression and the post-crush pity party, I can look at the situation a little more healthily and realize that the real reason I met these guys was not to get in a relationship with them, but to learn something from them. Through the experience of whatever brief, vague, undefined relationship we shared, I usually figure out with greater clarity what it is I ACTUALLY want. Additionally, I tend to view these missed connections as some kind of test to put these learned lessons into practice, and a sign to continue to trust the universe (or god or whatever) that my partner is still out there and to not to give up hope.
I must admit, coping with the occasional loneliness can be really tough, and as a result I’ve also casually dated a few people, but I generally don’t enjoy doing that. I’m a pretty intense person, so casual just isn’t my deal and never has been when it comes to guys. Knowing my limitations with a fling or fuck buddy isn’t a problem, but to me, it’s never as good as when you have emotional intimacy on top of sexual chemistry. I’m always left wanting more - to be able to connect on another level, which you can’t do in casual relationships. And I am, without question, a serious relationship person.
But how do I get myself into a relationship?
Emerging adulthood tells me that people are now more commonly spending their twenties working on their careers, having varied life experiences, figuring out who they are, and waiting to get married until their thirties. The longer I’ve been single, the more time I’ve had to figure out who I am, develop a strong sense of self, and truly learn to love myself. Let me tell you, that last part has been a real fucking piece of work. Learning to love yourself (especially when you harbor one of the nastiest, loudest, and cruelest inner self critics around) is HARD. I never thought I would get here, but I feel like I’ve finally arrived to that magical place where I look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see. I really like who I am. I cannot overstate this: that is HUGE! I still struggle with it sometimes, but overall I’m waaaaaaay happier being Jenn Emerling than ever before, and that in itself has been worth these long years of singledom.
Now that I’m part of the healthy self-confidence club (hollaaaaaa), I’m seeing things a lot more clearly. While I’ve thought about and re-tooled my criteria for what I’m looking for quite a bit, I’ve ultimately decided that there are a few core values that rise above all else. People often tell me I’m “too picky” or have “high standards,” but to them I say: yeah… AND?! I know what I want, and what I want is a guy who shares the following core values:
1) Good communication. I don’t think there’s anything more important to the foundation of any healthy relationship than good communication. Anyone who has ever spent any time with me can attest to the fact that I need to talk things out, and I also like to talk / keep in contact throughout the day. I’m soooooo NOT into mind games, people who don’t tell the truth, people who don’t speak up, people who avoid talking about the really important stuff, people who make too many assumptions… the list goes on. I really want to be with someone who values this as much as me, and will openly talk with me about anything and everything. Compromise falls under this, too. It’s really important to me that, through good communication, we can work out our differences and problems with healthy amounts of compromise and discussion.
2) Living a meaningful life / pursuing a meaningful career. I’ve been lucky enough to pursue my dreams and get paid to do it. It’s so important to me that my partner has found the same for his life. In order to get there, my partner will likely possess drive and ambition, which is also important to me. I’m a really busy person, so I want him to be busy as well and be working on things that he cares about. While I’m open to his career being anything, it has recently occurred to me that the ideal scenario is that we’re in the same industry, or in related fields of some sort. My schedule can be ever-changing and pretty crazy at times, but comes with lots of variety (which I love) and great fun. It’s really more of a lifestyle than a career, so I want to be with someone who understands that and/or has a complimentary lifestyle. I never want to be asked to choose between my love life and my work life - I want both, because both are meaningful to me.
3) Strong sense of self. As I mentioned previously, doing the emerging adulthood thing has been an entirely positive experience for me and has helped shape me into who I am today. I want to be with someone who knows what he’s about and has a clear identity that is not wrapped up in an ex or something/someone from the past. Before I was single, I didn’t really know who I was outside of being someone’s girlfriend, or my dark and stressful childhood, and now I’m SO glad that those things no longer solely define me. I know who I am and what I’m about. We’ll obviously still be growing and evolving and learning new things about ourselves over the course of our relationship, but my partner should have taken the time to fall in love with himself and get his shit sorted, like I did.
4) Passion for traveling. In addition to being a photographer, traveling is one of the defining characteristics of who I am and what makes me tick. I get so much joy, clairvoyance, inner peace, and emotional reward out of traveling. I really want to share this with someone, especially since I am on the road a LOT and don’t plan to ever stop. In addition to traveling together, I hope my partner respects my need for traveling alone sometimes (like when I need to work on a project).
5) Connection with my friends and family. I think very highly of my closest friends and my immediate family. They are all exceptional people whom I cherish deeply, and I want my partner to get along with them. After all, I loved them first and I’ve loved them the longest. They helped me get where I am today (a few have even saved my life) and they set the bar high as far as what I expect from a good relationship. My future will always have them in it, so I of course want my partner to fit right in. I would hope he wants the same of me in regards to his friends and family.
There are a lot of other things I value, too, such as: friendliness, humility, compassion, empathy, open-mindedness, positivity, humor, etc. But those 5 core values really stick out to me. I don’t have anything specific in mind as far as what hobbies he has or what music / movies / TV / books he likes - all those things are secondary, and don’t really define a person as strongly as your values do. If anything, I hope my partner has a lot of interests that are different than mine so that I can be exposed to new things! And while I definitely love bonding with people over favorite movies / music / etc, often the reason I love a movie or band so much is because of the shared memory of experiencing it with someone I love.
I also don’t know what he looks like, nor do I have a specific physical “type” (except NO MAN BUNS). My physical attraction to dudes has always varied greatly, and is actually more potent when there’s an emotional chemistry present. When I close my eyes, I can’t really imagine what he looks like, but I can sort of imagine what he IS like, because of the core values I listed.
Still, I’m open to being surprised. Life has a really funny way of throwing you off course and taking you somewhere you never imagined (it’s happened in a few big ways for me already), so who the hell knows what’s in the cards, really. I could be married to Channing Tatum in two years and people will be like: “WHAAAAAA???? didn’t see that coming!”
(for the record: totally not my type. sorry, tatum)
In any case, as I have weepily confessed to my best friend and brother during my darkest points of loneliness over the years: I really want this. I want love, marriage, kids, a shared life, the whole deal. It’s definitely taking a lot longer to get there than I thought it would, but I take solace in knowing this time alone is being put to good use. To think that 10 years ago I never even saw myself being HAPPY - and I truly am - is pretty remarkable and very much worth this whole journey.
To sum up: the reason I wrote all this down (because, let’s be honest, no one will read this but me) is to have some sort of record to look back on, and also a statement of what I want clearly articulated for when those dark points of loneliness and self doubt do creep in again. It’s all good stuff to remember until I get there, and also good to remember for when I finally am there.
I’ve been single for four years now, which is significant because it also marks how long I’ve been focused on bettering myself and my career. I broke up with my last boyfriend upon realizing that our relationship had run its course and new job opportunities were becoming increasingly more important to me than our three year relationship. To be clear: I’m not a pick-your-career-over-your-love-life type of person (I believe I can have a healthy balance of both), I just hadn’t really gotten my shit together, and, up until that point, I had always picked my boyfriends over good work opportunities when given the choice. I can distinctly remember turning down a few out of town internship possibilities back in college because I was afraid my then-relationship wouldn’t survive the long distance. That was something I regretted for a while and felt had a direct effect on the stagnant nature of where my career was when I was 26. I finally hit a point where I just didn’t want to waste my potential anymore and wanted to focus 100% on getting things off the ground, for real. So there I was, feeling held back by a relationship I knew had no future and I knew without a doubt that it was simply time to focus on just me and do the whole “emerging adulthood” thing.
Which I did! And it’s been great. I totally got my shit together: I moved to Los Angeles, I built my business into a great success, I’ve bonded with a great group of friends, and in general I’ve made a pretty good life for myself. Getting all that sorted out has felt really good, and it’s also made me realize that I’m ready to open up my heart again to love. But every time my anniversary of being single comes around, I think to myself: “okay! It’s time to meet the love of my life now - I’m ready!” …and it doesn’t happen.
This can be a pretty depressing experience, especially when it’s on the heels of me getting over a pretty serious crush that - once again - didn’t pan out for whatever reason. Over the past few years, I have almost dated a handful of guys I truly liked, but it never really amounts to anything other than some fantasy in my head I let get out of control and bum me out. When I finally do pull myself out of the depression and the post-crush pity party, I can look at the situation a little more healthily and realize that the real reason I met these guys was not to get in a relationship with them, but to learn something from them. Through the experience of whatever brief, vague, undefined relationship we shared, I usually figure out with greater clarity what it is I ACTUALLY want. Additionally, I tend to view these missed connections as some kind of test to put these learned lessons into practice, and a sign to continue to trust the universe (or god or whatever) that my partner is still out there and to not to give up hope.
I must admit, coping with the occasional loneliness can be really tough, and as a result I’ve also casually dated a few people, but I generally don’t enjoy doing that. I’m a pretty intense person, so casual just isn’t my deal and never has been when it comes to guys. Knowing my limitations with a fling or fuck buddy isn’t a problem, but to me, it’s never as good as when you have emotional intimacy on top of sexual chemistry. I’m always left wanting more - to be able to connect on another level, which you can’t do in casual relationships. And I am, without question, a serious relationship person.
But how do I get myself into a relationship?
Emerging adulthood tells me that people are now more commonly spending their twenties working on their careers, having varied life experiences, figuring out who they are, and waiting to get married until their thirties. The longer I’ve been single, the more time I’ve had to figure out who I am, develop a strong sense of self, and truly learn to love myself. Let me tell you, that last part has been a real fucking piece of work. Learning to love yourself (especially when you harbor one of the nastiest, loudest, and cruelest inner self critics around) is HARD. I never thought I would get here, but I feel like I’ve finally arrived to that magical place where I look at myself in the mirror and I like what I see. I really like who I am. I cannot overstate this: that is HUGE! I still struggle with it sometimes, but overall I’m waaaaaaay happier being Jenn Emerling than ever before, and that in itself has been worth these long years of singledom.
Now that I’m part of the healthy self-confidence club (hollaaaaaa), I’m seeing things a lot more clearly. While I’ve thought about and re-tooled my criteria for what I’m looking for quite a bit, I’ve ultimately decided that there are a few core values that rise above all else. People often tell me I’m “too picky” or have “high standards,” but to them I say: yeah… AND?! I know what I want, and what I want is a guy who shares the following core values:
1) Good communication. I don’t think there’s anything more important to the foundation of any healthy relationship than good communication. Anyone who has ever spent any time with me can attest to the fact that I need to talk things out, and I also like to talk / keep in contact throughout the day. I’m soooooo NOT into mind games, people who don’t tell the truth, people who don’t speak up, people who avoid talking about the really important stuff, people who make too many assumptions… the list goes on. I really want to be with someone who values this as much as me, and will openly talk with me about anything and everything. Compromise falls under this, too. It’s really important to me that, through good communication, we can work out our differences and problems with healthy amounts of compromise and discussion.
2) Living a meaningful life / pursuing a meaningful career. I’ve been lucky enough to pursue my dreams and get paid to do it. It’s so important to me that my partner has found the same for his life. In order to get there, my partner will likely possess drive and ambition, which is also important to me. I’m a really busy person, so I want him to be busy as well and be working on things that he cares about. While I’m open to his career being anything, it has recently occurred to me that the ideal scenario is that we’re in the same industry, or in related fields of some sort. My schedule can be ever-changing and pretty crazy at times, but comes with lots of variety (which I love) and great fun. It’s really more of a lifestyle than a career, so I want to be with someone who understands that and/or has a complimentary lifestyle. I never want to be asked to choose between my love life and my work life - I want both, because both are meaningful to me.
3) Strong sense of self. As I mentioned previously, doing the emerging adulthood thing has been an entirely positive experience for me and has helped shape me into who I am today. I want to be with someone who knows what he’s about and has a clear identity that is not wrapped up in an ex or something/someone from the past. Before I was single, I didn’t really know who I was outside of being someone’s girlfriend, or my dark and stressful childhood, and now I’m SO glad that those things no longer solely define me. I know who I am and what I’m about. We’ll obviously still be growing and evolving and learning new things about ourselves over the course of our relationship, but my partner should have taken the time to fall in love with himself and get his shit sorted, like I did.
4) Passion for traveling. In addition to being a photographer, traveling is one of the defining characteristics of who I am and what makes me tick. I get so much joy, clairvoyance, inner peace, and emotional reward out of traveling. I really want to share this with someone, especially since I am on the road a LOT and don’t plan to ever stop. In addition to traveling together, I hope my partner respects my need for traveling alone sometimes (like when I need to work on a project).
5) Connection with my friends and family. I think very highly of my closest friends and my immediate family. They are all exceptional people whom I cherish deeply, and I want my partner to get along with them. After all, I loved them first and I’ve loved them the longest. They helped me get where I am today (a few have even saved my life) and they set the bar high as far as what I expect from a good relationship. My future will always have them in it, so I of course want my partner to fit right in. I would hope he wants the same of me in regards to his friends and family.
There are a lot of other things I value, too, such as: friendliness, humility, compassion, empathy, open-mindedness, positivity, humor, etc. But those 5 core values really stick out to me. I don’t have anything specific in mind as far as what hobbies he has or what music / movies / TV / books he likes - all those things are secondary, and don’t really define a person as strongly as your values do. If anything, I hope my partner has a lot of interests that are different than mine so that I can be exposed to new things! And while I definitely love bonding with people over favorite movies / music / etc, often the reason I love a movie or band so much is because of the shared memory of experiencing it with someone I love.
I also don’t know what he looks like, nor do I have a specific physical “type” (except NO MAN BUNS). My physical attraction to dudes has always varied greatly, and is actually more potent when there’s an emotional chemistry present. When I close my eyes, I can’t really imagine what he looks like, but I can sort of imagine what he IS like, because of the core values I listed.
Still, I’m open to being surprised. Life has a really funny way of throwing you off course and taking you somewhere you never imagined (it’s happened in a few big ways for me already), so who the hell knows what’s in the cards, really. I could be married to Channing Tatum in two years and people will be like: “WHAAAAAA???? didn’t see that coming!”
(for the record: totally not my type. sorry, tatum)
In any case, as I have weepily confessed to my best friend and brother during my darkest points of loneliness over the years: I really want this. I want love, marriage, kids, a shared life, the whole deal. It’s definitely taking a lot longer to get there than I thought it would, but I take solace in knowing this time alone is being put to good use. To think that 10 years ago I never even saw myself being HAPPY - and I truly am - is pretty remarkable and very much worth this whole journey.
To sum up: the reason I wrote all this down (because, let’s be honest, no one will read this but me) is to have some sort of record to look back on, and also a statement of what I want clearly articulated for when those dark points of loneliness and self doubt do creep in again. It’s all good stuff to remember until I get there, and also good to remember for when I finally am there.