This is not me being emo. This is just a headache.
I often feel like a helpless wallflower. It's like i don't have a life of my own, I sit around and do little meaningless things that are rarely actually productive. I applied to transfer, and now that the completed application and all its parts is due in one day (for the interview date I would be requesting), I don't think I want it anymore.
I don't have friends, I have aquaintences. I don't talk to people when I'm away, or if they're away. My world exists without a future. I can help almost every single one of my friends solve their relationship problems, but I can't get one myself. I can't imagine myself ever finding someone. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. It's not that others don't think it is, it's that I can't allow myself to think that I did something well. I look back on prior achievements, and now they look like crap.
It's like there's no life after schooling. I just want to learn everything there is and use it to learn more. I want to know the most of my peers, but still have someone who knows more than me to guide me and help me when I inevitably fuck up big time. And yet I never ask for help. Even when I know I can't do something without it.
I used to stay up later than everyone else because I wanted to use the computer privately. now I think I half do it because I don't want to be able to be connected to anyone. Very few people actually have the power to hurt me anymore. Unfortunately, the one who does it the most probably doesn't notice it, because it wouldn't hurt a normal person.
For the most part, I don't censor myself in my journals, because I rarely write anything of substance in them. In the past when I have written things that were meaningful, I felt they were ignored, so I kept them all to myself because that's what I've always done. It worked, after a fashion, for me all those years. Then it got me caught in a very dark place. I still don't know quite how I got out of it. Luck, I guess.
Then the next time I broke out of it was the beginning of college. A mixture of luck and forcing myself I think did it that time. Now I'm reverting, but I don't have any of the causes I had before. I guess I kinda do, now that I think of it.
Anyway, back to not censoring myself. In this post, I'm actually very carefully choosing my words. (I was originally just writing this to get it out, but why not. It's not like posting it is going to really do anything other than make me feel less like I'm hiding) Not just because I don't want to slip up and let out certain things, but also because I don't want the words that originally flowed through my head to screw up the message I'm trying to convey here. It's another case of nothing I ever do is actually good enough for me.
One of the things I hate about writing thoughts is that thoughts flow much faster than fingers, and once the mind has gotten the fingers caught up, it's moved on to new and different subjects. I hate being irrationally afraid of liking people. Of having opinions. Of talking to guys I like. Of looking at other fat guys and wondering why I couldn't be built as gracefully, why I had to have those damnable love handles. Why do I relate so well to people? Why can I understand everything anyone is feeling, but not be able to help myself?
If someone actually read that, please comment.
Also, why do I only find "ugly" or otherwise "unattractive" people beautiful/attractive?
I don't have friends, I have aquaintences. I don't talk to people when I'm away, or if they're away. My world exists without a future. I can help almost every single one of my friends solve their relationship problems, but I can't get one myself. I can't imagine myself ever finding someone. No matter what I do, it's not good enough. It's not that others don't think it is, it's that I can't allow myself to think that I did something well. I look back on prior achievements, and now they look like crap.
It's like there's no life after schooling. I just want to learn everything there is and use it to learn more. I want to know the most of my peers, but still have someone who knows more than me to guide me and help me when I inevitably fuck up big time. And yet I never ask for help. Even when I know I can't do something without it.
I used to stay up later than everyone else because I wanted to use the computer privately. now I think I half do it because I don't want to be able to be connected to anyone. Very few people actually have the power to hurt me anymore. Unfortunately, the one who does it the most probably doesn't notice it, because it wouldn't hurt a normal person.
For the most part, I don't censor myself in my journals, because I rarely write anything of substance in them. In the past when I have written things that were meaningful, I felt they were ignored, so I kept them all to myself because that's what I've always done. It worked, after a fashion, for me all those years. Then it got me caught in a very dark place. I still don't know quite how I got out of it. Luck, I guess.
Then the next time I broke out of it was the beginning of college. A mixture of luck and forcing myself I think did it that time. Now I'm reverting, but I don't have any of the causes I had before. I guess I kinda do, now that I think of it.
Anyway, back to not censoring myself. In this post, I'm actually very carefully choosing my words. (I was originally just writing this to get it out, but why not. It's not like posting it is going to really do anything other than make me feel less like I'm hiding) Not just because I don't want to slip up and let out certain things, but also because I don't want the words that originally flowed through my head to screw up the message I'm trying to convey here. It's another case of nothing I ever do is actually good enough for me.
One of the things I hate about writing thoughts is that thoughts flow much faster than fingers, and once the mind has gotten the fingers caught up, it's moved on to new and different subjects. I hate being irrationally afraid of liking people. Of having opinions. Of talking to guys I like. Of looking at other fat guys and wondering why I couldn't be built as gracefully, why I had to have those damnable love handles. Why do I relate so well to people? Why can I understand everything anyone is feeling, but not be able to help myself?
If someone actually read that, please comment.
Also, why do I only find "ugly" or otherwise "unattractive" people beautiful/attractive?