If you wake up before noon on the weekends, you're an asshole.
An open letter to people who wake up early on the weekends.
I was driving to work today at the most horrible time ever conceived on a weekend (That is to say any time before noon) and as usual I was running a bit behind but I really needed some breakfast since I work what is commonly known as a "Total Bullshit weekend shift" and as such I really needed to stop at the ATM to get some money for food.
When I pulled up there were already 2 people at the drive up ATM so I didn't have time to wait and drove away while calling them various names that called into question the moral integrity of their mothers and referenced their affinities for suckling at the male phallus. At first I felt like, ok, I overreacted by damning these people who were just out like I was early in the morning on a weekend but then I had an epiphany. Fuck those bastard ass cocksuckers. Here's my reasoning:
First off, I could tell they weren't up for work like I was because if they were they'd be running late just like me and would not have time to dick around waiting in line. The main point of all this, and I am not even kidding you here is that if you wake up at 8:00 or any time before 12:00 AM on a Saturday or a Sunday, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. There is no exception there is no rule that absolves you from guilt, you are a shit sandwich with no corn.
But wait, it's YOUR weekend, you should be able to do what you want with it right? I mean, it doesn't affect anyone else if you want to get up a little early and get a head start on your day so why should anyone else care?
Well, in the longstanding tradition of assholes everywhere, you of course would see it that way because you're too busy lubing up your cocksocket so you can tongue it vigorously while telling yourself what a virtuous go getter you really are to see anything beyond your own selfishness. There are victims here, people like me. Yes, I am up early on a Saturday but it's because I have to work. Why do I have to work? Because there's a business need created by slimey pieces of dysentery blowback like yourself who wake up too damned early on the weekends and CREATE that need.
If everyone unilaterally agreed to sleep the fuck in until a reasonable hour, which I would submit is at LEAST 11am, no one ANYWHERE would have to get up to service a select few douchebags who want to go buy fucking drywall screws at 9:32 on a Sunday morning. Pretty much everyone I know who HAS to get up to go to work early on a weekend hates people like you and would much rather be at home doing ANY of the following more worthy tasks:
1. Sleeping
2. Sleeping then waking up, fucking then sleeping some more
But since YOU insist on getting out early that means the REST of us, the majority who are in fact right thinking, non assholes, have to get up too in order to service your crappy ass needs. There's a saying in Star Trek that is applicable here "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" whcih is why you NEVER see anyone in an episode of Star Trek blearily squinting around while demanding to know where the coffee is. Because even though they never actually say it, the fact is that Trek is a show about a better future and in a better future we would have Phasered all you smug, self righteous, early weekend risers to death or thrown your bitch asses out of an airlock for your selfishness a LONG time ago.
And no, it doesn't excuse you that you have something you think is worthwhile to do. You don't. All the bullshit haberdashery that you think is "Important" is mindless busy work for your pointless, go nowhere life. You're not Washington getting the drop on the British Christmas morning, you're Whiteguy McDoucheNozzle buying McGriddles and shopping for an ipod. Your absolutely pointless crap errands can wait while those truly civilized and selfless individuals of humanity are doing what god intended us to do on the weekend: Sleeping the fuck in.
Feel free to repost as always!
I was driving to work today at the most horrible time ever conceived on a weekend (That is to say any time before noon) and as usual I was running a bit behind but I really needed some breakfast since I work what is commonly known as a "Total Bullshit weekend shift" and as such I really needed to stop at the ATM to get some money for food.
When I pulled up there were already 2 people at the drive up ATM so I didn't have time to wait and drove away while calling them various names that called into question the moral integrity of their mothers and referenced their affinities for suckling at the male phallus. At first I felt like, ok, I overreacted by damning these people who were just out like I was early in the morning on a weekend but then I had an epiphany. Fuck those bastard ass cocksuckers. Here's my reasoning:
First off, I could tell they weren't up for work like I was because if they were they'd be running late just like me and would not have time to dick around waiting in line. The main point of all this, and I am not even kidding you here is that if you wake up at 8:00 or any time before 12:00 AM on a Saturday or a Sunday, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE. There is no exception there is no rule that absolves you from guilt, you are a shit sandwich with no corn.
But wait, it's YOUR weekend, you should be able to do what you want with it right? I mean, it doesn't affect anyone else if you want to get up a little early and get a head start on your day so why should anyone else care?
Well, in the longstanding tradition of assholes everywhere, you of course would see it that way because you're too busy lubing up your cocksocket so you can tongue it vigorously while telling yourself what a virtuous go getter you really are to see anything beyond your own selfishness. There are victims here, people like me. Yes, I am up early on a Saturday but it's because I have to work. Why do I have to work? Because there's a business need created by slimey pieces of dysentery blowback like yourself who wake up too damned early on the weekends and CREATE that need.
If everyone unilaterally agreed to sleep the fuck in until a reasonable hour, which I would submit is at LEAST 11am, no one ANYWHERE would have to get up to service a select few douchebags who want to go buy fucking drywall screws at 9:32 on a Sunday morning. Pretty much everyone I know who HAS to get up to go to work early on a weekend hates people like you and would much rather be at home doing ANY of the following more worthy tasks:
1. Sleeping
2. Sleeping then waking up, fucking then sleeping some more
But since YOU insist on getting out early that means the REST of us, the majority who are in fact right thinking, non assholes, have to get up too in order to service your crappy ass needs. There's a saying in Star Trek that is applicable here "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few" whcih is why you NEVER see anyone in an episode of Star Trek blearily squinting around while demanding to know where the coffee is. Because even though they never actually say it, the fact is that Trek is a show about a better future and in a better future we would have Phasered all you smug, self righteous, early weekend risers to death or thrown your bitch asses out of an airlock for your selfishness a LONG time ago.
And no, it doesn't excuse you that you have something you think is worthwhile to do. You don't. All the bullshit haberdashery that you think is "Important" is mindless busy work for your pointless, go nowhere life. You're not Washington getting the drop on the British Christmas morning, you're Whiteguy McDoucheNozzle buying McGriddles and shopping for an ipod. Your absolutely pointless crap errands can wait while those truly civilized and selfless individuals of humanity are doing what god intended us to do on the weekend: Sleeping the fuck in.
Feel free to repost as always!