fears, quandry, and general malaise

Aug 23, 2008 01:10

i, bad-ass bevin i'll-rip-ur-arm-off-and-beat-u-with-the-bloody-end-if-u-touch-me-again d is scared shitless of her own body. not in the way that most women are scared of it, weight is no big thang for me. if i get fat, so what? idc. i am afraid, like really afraid, that i am going to lose the ability to write. i mean, since i started having the symptoms, the knowledge has been in the back of my mind. but now with my symptoms progressing so much more agressively, and the greater number of days and nights i am forced to go without committing a singel word to page or screen, the more i get scared. calling the specialist is topmost on my list of to-do's for the coming work week.

quandry: its really in a very eary stage of quandry. ok, frank is a habitual liar, a jackass, and a relatively bad friend.... when stoned. he says he's sober now, and doesn't want to go back to being the stupid fuck he was. problem: heard that before. other problem: the knowledge of this has never stopped me from being his go to person before. and now he's been hurt, yet again, because frank has the same taste in women that i have in men and women. and he's been saying he loves me for absolutely no reason. usually he says he loves me because he's fucked up and gotten high or something and doesn't want to tell me. this new frank scares me. he's depressed, and suicidal, again. and i don't ant to lose him, even though our year and a half or so of friendship hasn't exactly been the best of relationships. not to mention that fortnight that we were engaged. (i've always wanted to use the word fortnight in a sentence...) fuck, now what do i do?gods, i hate being the go to friend sometimes.

which brings me to the next question, who does the go to friend go to? obviously, i've got internet to pour out my troubles to. but who do i go to for a reply? (shrink is out, cuz i gots no money)
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