"...and I will rise up with fists"
As I type this, I can feel the developing calluses on the fingers of my left hand. It's kind of surreal, I spent most of my life wanting to learn to play guitar, and it took needing a change after things with that girl went to crap and having the money to just go balls out, buy a guitar and just start to learn. I'm picking it up pretty quickly because I have a good ear musically speaking, and that makes me happy, which is necessary these days :-).
I went wandering through the South End today taking pictures, it was fantastic. I was going to Jacobson's Floral to buy fake flowers for Midsummer and I was just inspired by all of these random things I encountered while I was walking. I love photography so damn much, and I feel like it's just this form of expression that I can't really explain why I like it, but I do. I love finding the beauty in everything. It's such an amazing feeling. The other night Kyler and I were on the long wharf talking about theatre and why we do it, and why we love everything about it, and it was just so freeing. I feel like my life is full of so many wonderful things right now that despite how unhappy I am about that certain thing, life fucking goes on, and there is so much beauty in the people that I do have, and I appreciate them and they appreciate me. Robin said to me the other day when I was feeling down:
"We should stop worrying so much whether or not the boy/girl/hermaphrodite/turtle sees what we see, because any boy/girl/hermaphrodite/turtle worth our time and thoughts and bodies will have to know that on their own and SHOULD know that on their own."
I don't want a relationship and any romantic entanglement like that right now, and I think that's good because there is so much that makes me happy I'm on some great shows that I find valid and inspiring artistically speaking (Midsummer, Pinter, the Basement Players show) and I have these amazing friends that are here for me and so goddamn supportive. I have my music again, and my photography and what more do I really need right now?
I'm gonna be ok. Yeah, sometimes I'll get overwhelmed sometimes, but, you know what, shitty things have happened to me, but I haven't started smoking habitually again, and I'm not running away from my problems.
Maybe this is what growing up is? All I know is, this is the first time I've felt hopeful in a long time.