(no subject)
Somethings gnaws at me. Again I am without sleep. I should know what is bothering me. It isn't financial problems, because I finally have those all taken care of. It's not family problems because my family is ok. Perhaps I feel a bit of guilt because I haven't been there for Mike since his Mom died saturday. But I didn't know that until tonight, so why last night? I am not depressed or anxious because I know those feelings. Though I am sad right now. I could cry. It's not work, although my job is difficult, I lack the loathing that my previous jobs have had.
I suppose I might just be lovesick. I miss Christa sorely. Though I saw her tonight, and for bits and pieces this weekend, it was not enough. My job is killing me. Not by boredom or stress or emotional turmoil; but in the simple lack of time with her. A small feeling of dread pokes directly into my heart when I think about just how profound this separation can be. Not just this year, but the year after that, she and I will be apart most of the time as I will be living in one place and she in another.
There are ways I could solve this problem. I know that she would have me if I asked to live with her. But the fact would remain that I have commitments elsewhere. Not just a legal commitment (though there is one) but one of friendship and honor as well. Perhaps I could get a subletter, but I don't want to leave Rob hanging. At the very least I would try to have it be someone of his choice. I don't mean this to be ill upon him, because Rob is someone that I am glad to count as a friend.
I guess my life has changed so much since Christa and I got together that maybe it's time for change. I didn't want to leave the college life behind. I wanted to stay in this charming (if sometimes noisy) part of life. Like it or not, my life has changed from my career as a student to my career as a professional. Also, my life has changed from being single (though I was heartbroken for much of it) to a serious relationship; moreover, one that I want to work.
I recently remarked to Christa "It's occurred to me to ask, 'what if we make it?'" A question posed both seriously and in jest. For the first few weeks of our relationship, I was afraid it was going to be a fling. What would I have done? After I knew it wasn't a fling, we were having a relationship. But I was afraid that it wouldn't work out for a variety of reasons. Now I realize that this is neither a fling or a short term deal, but a serious and long-term relationship. I had been spending so much time worrying if this would fail in the short term, I didn't consider the long term. Now I worry about new things.
Distance kills relationships. It is not a fast thing, but rather like a poison every day. Each dose not enough to do any major damage, but through attrition claims victory. I have traded my physical distance with Erin for a new and strange distance. I can see her nearly every day, but for only a few minutes.
What about all the other things that make life difficult? If circumstance or tragedy should separate us, what would I do? I'm so very confused. I guess I should try to sleep even though I know it won't take me. More likely that I should lie awake and wonder about how I will solve this decay that gnaws at my soul. Even music can't dissuade it now.
I suppose I might just be lovesick. I miss Christa sorely. Though I saw her tonight, and for bits and pieces this weekend, it was not enough. My job is killing me. Not by boredom or stress or emotional turmoil; but in the simple lack of time with her. A small feeling of dread pokes directly into my heart when I think about just how profound this separation can be. Not just this year, but the year after that, she and I will be apart most of the time as I will be living in one place and she in another.
There are ways I could solve this problem. I know that she would have me if I asked to live with her. But the fact would remain that I have commitments elsewhere. Not just a legal commitment (though there is one) but one of friendship and honor as well. Perhaps I could get a subletter, but I don't want to leave Rob hanging. At the very least I would try to have it be someone of his choice. I don't mean this to be ill upon him, because Rob is someone that I am glad to count as a friend.
I guess my life has changed so much since Christa and I got together that maybe it's time for change. I didn't want to leave the college life behind. I wanted to stay in this charming (if sometimes noisy) part of life. Like it or not, my life has changed from my career as a student to my career as a professional. Also, my life has changed from being single (though I was heartbroken for much of it) to a serious relationship; moreover, one that I want to work.
I recently remarked to Christa "It's occurred to me to ask, 'what if we make it?'" A question posed both seriously and in jest. For the first few weeks of our relationship, I was afraid it was going to be a fling. What would I have done? After I knew it wasn't a fling, we were having a relationship. But I was afraid that it wouldn't work out for a variety of reasons. Now I realize that this is neither a fling or a short term deal, but a serious and long-term relationship. I had been spending so much time worrying if this would fail in the short term, I didn't consider the long term. Now I worry about new things.
Distance kills relationships. It is not a fast thing, but rather like a poison every day. Each dose not enough to do any major damage, but through attrition claims victory. I have traded my physical distance with Erin for a new and strange distance. I can see her nearly every day, but for only a few minutes.
What about all the other things that make life difficult? If circumstance or tragedy should separate us, what would I do? I'm so very confused. I guess I should try to sleep even though I know it won't take me. More likely that I should lie awake and wonder about how I will solve this decay that gnaws at my soul. Even music can't dissuade it now.