More ramblings of a grieving person
Sigh, I was on vacation almost all of last week. 'twas good. I chilled out a lot. I don't think my vacation could have come at a more perfect time. I didn't end up going out to the beach, but it's all good. I made it to a pool and got some of that vitamin D stuff. I also got to go to a few parties and some grill outs. Not too mention having some good ole alone time. Catching up on sleep and not thinking about everything. Which I've been doing a lot lately. Btw, I broke it off with Chris as well. For an assortment of personal reasons.
I have way too many things weighin on my chest right now. It's not even things that are stressing me out. It's more me dealing with the fact that there are some things I can't change. Some people I wasn't meant to say goodbye too. That probably hurts the most. I hate that I didn't get to see my grandfather before he died. That his death was completely random. How often does someone go out for a drive...go missing for 3 days...then be found dead in a field. Honestly...what the hell? I know that’s not the whole story and I’m sure that at some point I probably wrote the whole thing down maybe on this mug, but it’s been 4 months and it still hurts. There‘s a pain in my chest when I think about it. It’s weird how it’s always the little things that remind you of people. Like making Bread. That was a family thing. That’s something I learned from my grandfather with recipes that were passed down from generation to generation. A recipe that I‘ll one day share with my children. And then there’s the new one’s that we created. If he only fucking had his cell phone. He could have phoned for help. He wouldn’t have had to die alone. That was the irony of his death. That he had always surrounded himself with anyone and everyone and he had to die cold and alone. With no one knowing where he was. It doesn’t help that granna wouldn’t have been able to remember had he told her. The worst part of it all was her. She couldn’t remember that they found his body and she constantly asked “have they found Nick yet?” I’m still not completely convinced that she knows he’s dead. I see her and she sometimes remembers me and then other times has to ask me who I am. Whether she really remembers after I tell her I don’t know. I kind of think it’s a front. I don’t think she remembers. Alzheimer’s really makes me want to scream at the top of my lungs while punching a brick wall so I don‘t have to feel so numb. I saw her a few months ago. When I was up there visiting with Danny and the kids. Danny had told me how she had taken her photo album from when they were all young and taken out all the pictures and layed them on the floor and when danny asked about it…Granna said “I‘m trying to put my life together, but I just can‘t.” or something to that affect. I know everyone prayed. Prayed that it was just a trick that granddad had just ran off somewhere. That he was still alive. I didn’t really think he was missing when Sara(sister) called me. Then I realized that she was dead serious. I had to take Chris back to the beach. When I went to fill up my tank, I saw Brian(DTF) and he asked me how everything was. I had to say “not so good, my grandfathers been missing for over 24 hrs.” I lost it then. I just started crying when I got outside and began to fill up my tank. I cried the whole way to Chris’s and on the drive home. That shit hurt. Not knowing where he was. Knowing that he had been kind of sick a few months back. The next day I let my Team lead know what was going on. And I just trudge through work till break when It came on the news that my grandfather was missing. I did okay that day went home sat with my aunt and grandma. Met some random detective. Tried to be productive. I went back to work the next day and around 8:30 After the team huddle I asked Aisha(LOD) if it would be okay if I put up a missing person poster. It had been 3 days then. I broke down at work. It shattered my world. Having to say it out loud. Not knowing anything. There were no clues. No activity on any of his credit cards. Nothing. That morning I got sent home. I needed to go and be with my family then. Sara came down from VA. Drove about 80 to get here. We were so close to printing up those flyers. Then the detectives came into play. I had made the flyer that morning after I got sent home. I had a picture up there with the description, but Kelly(cousin) had found a more recent picture. So we went to Granna’s. As we pull up to the house, my dad and aunt….followed by some detectives were driving up as well. The detectives had found a jacket and needed to see if my grandmother could identify it. She couldn’t, my aunt and the detectives walked outside. That’s when we got the call…we didn’t find out till after my aunt told my grandma. We were told to go outside. About 10 minutes later Danny told us he had passed away. We moved my grandmother to my house because there were about 3 camera crews trying to talk to us when they found him. I have yet to go out there still. I think that sometime soon I’ll buy a rose and see if one of the detectives that worked on his case can take me out there. Or I’ll just ask my cousin. She went out there after the funeral I think. This was the first time I lost anyone I really cared about. I’ve never had to deal with death before.
Then it’s like 3 months later…and Sarah dies. I’ve known her since I was 16. Christine introduced us. It was a little awkward when we first met…I’m sure everyone knows how teenage girls can be though. But after a few days it was chill and we were cool ever since. It’s funny how plans for the future are so uncertain. “We need to chill more after this whole hospital thing is over with.” That was the last thing Sarah said to me. We had talks of going to the Beach when it got warm enough, obviously that didn’t happen though. They did do something really awesome at the funeral. In the corner before you went into where the actual funeral was being held…they had a table set up with a huge vase in the center and a bowl of sea shells, a bowl of pebbles and about 8 different colors of sand. Pink, orange, yellow, blue, white, red, teal ect…Everyone got to put something in the vase and it was given to Dee(her mom) after the service was over. They also had little packets of beach sand that everyone could take in a separate basket. I think it hurts more because I grew up with her… not nearly as long as Christine, but grief knows no time…it‘s just there. I spent my teenage years being a good friend with her. What I’m mad at more is that we drifted apart after our first year of college. While we were in College though we had like 4 of the same classes and chilled all the time. I guess I’m kind of mad at the circumstances of life. She was my scary movie partner. The last time I saw her she we were watching Sweeny Todd. Not that that’s really all that scary, more twisted with a dash of gore. It’s what we did…watch scary movies, be dorks making fake family’s on the sim’s game, talking about boys and just having some good old girl time. It’s like sometimes I’ll watch a movie that we watched together or hear a song and it completely reminds me of her. And she’s no longer here to enjoy these things with me, but I know that she’s in a better place. She’s not in pain…he doesn’t have a worry in the world. I sometimes wonder what her heaven would be like? I’m just imagining a huge ass projector screen with limitless movie supply, a computer with internet and games, and music galore. In this awesome castle(with all the latest technology) near a beach. Happy and content.
I guess it’s always hard to deal with the deaths of family and friends especially when it all happened so suddenly. In pairs. Damn, time is not helping me. Cause I feel just as depressed as I did when it happened. I hate just randomly bursting into tears because I’m reminded of them in some way. I haven’t been completely sober since Sarah died. She was one of my best friends. And now she’s gone. How can someone accept the death of a 20 year old. No parent should ever have to bury their child. It’s not right, it’s just not. I take my previous statement about sobriety back. I was sober for her viewing and funeral. I wouldn’t disrespect her like that. Yeah…that’s stuffs been building up. Hurting me more for not writing about it earlier. It still stings.
I’m gonnna get drunk this weekend. I’m gonna try to have some fun. To not think about all these things. To move on a little bit. We’ll see how that goes.
Till the Next Now
Becca