(no subject)
Monday's are terrible. It's just after 9AM and I'm already on my third cup of coffee.
From my experience working at IBM these past five months I really have learned alot, not just in a purely technical/educational way, I've learned alot about myself. The one thing I now know is that if I graduate and then do a job similar to this it is quite likely I will go crazy. Can I do the job? Yes. Could I do a job like this for the rest of my life and make a good salary and live well? Probably. Would I be happy though with just this? I don't think so..
I want to do more with my life. I want to do something that challenges me each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to lie and say I don't want to make good money because I damn well do, but I want what I do to matter in some significant way. Doctos save peoples lives, entertainers make people happy, teachers instill our human values and education into the future generations of Americans. Every role has their purpose in society, some certainly more noble then others. I just want to have a roll.. I don't want to save the world or anything like that, I just want to have some effect on the world around me.
Part of me wants to get out of school ASAP. Julia is graduating in December and it's starting to seem really... real all of a sudden that she is actually graduating. I will probably graduate early but because I am in a five year program I have at least an exra 6 months or so then those in my grade. That alone is a little buffer form of comfort and security. Add to it that I don't exactly want to graduate during a depression with some of the lowest college grad employment prospects in a long time.
I know I want to go to law school eventually, I've wanted to be a lawyer my entire life. I love to argue and make others see things my way. I love to challenge people and try to understand their point of view. I can take any side of an argument and argue it. Is being a lawyer really as shallow as it's rep implies? Unless your a public defender or some kind of public interest lawyer, your labeled as sort of an asshole. I don't want to have to defend people that may or may not be criminals. I like order and justice with a clear right and a wrong. I like contracts with stipulations and ammendments, with wordy explanations and provisions. But part of law that attracts me to it so much is the uncertainty within the rigidness, the fine line between what means justice or innocence, or what means vindication or punishment.
I know that if I wait too long after undergrad that there is no way I'm going to want to go back to school again. However, I also think I should work full time after graduating for at least a year just because. In a way, having the goal of law school keeps me moving, it helps me keep my chin up and my head on straight. In high school it was college that was my motivation, sometimes more then others. I largely took the prospect of college for granted, I knew I would go but I didn't really see it as an opportunity. It was just a course of action that I took for granted, that I saw as a right. I don't take it for granted any more, I see that I am so lucky to have the oppurtinities that I have. In school I throw myself into the coursework and for the first time in my life I crave learning and knowedge. The feeling of knowing I put my all into a paper, or studying every single facet of knowledge for an exam gives me a sense of accomplishment that I have never experienced before. Although I may not always get an A I know that I will never take less then my best as an excuse. In college it's this that is my motivation, along with law school, a career, a future.
I know so many people that had a clear goal that they had their heart set on that they ended up losing for one reason or another. I don't want to be one of those people, I do not want to have any regrets. But, life happens and you never know where you're going to end up. I'm entirely uncomfortable about that. I am the type of person that calculates every move I make, and although alot of times I make mistakes, I know that any failure in my life is a result of my actions, and that my life is not dictated for me by anyone else. I can't blame anyone but myself. I think thats part of a newfound maturity I have found, I have always blamed others for anything negative that has happened in my life, I've always had an excuse. I've never truely taken responsibility. "It wasn't my fault, or the test was too hard, they messed up, theres nothing I could have done, I did everything I could," etc, etc... these were always my excuses. I will not allow any excuse to come between me and my goals. Although my goals may change as I learn and grow, I know that I will always be working towards something and that I will never let anyone stand in the way of something I want. I will accept nothing less from myself.
From my experience working at IBM these past five months I really have learned alot, not just in a purely technical/educational way, I've learned alot about myself. The one thing I now know is that if I graduate and then do a job similar to this it is quite likely I will go crazy. Can I do the job? Yes. Could I do a job like this for the rest of my life and make a good salary and live well? Probably. Would I be happy though with just this? I don't think so..
I want to do more with my life. I want to do something that challenges me each and every day. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to lie and say I don't want to make good money because I damn well do, but I want what I do to matter in some significant way. Doctos save peoples lives, entertainers make people happy, teachers instill our human values and education into the future generations of Americans. Every role has their purpose in society, some certainly more noble then others. I just want to have a roll.. I don't want to save the world or anything like that, I just want to have some effect on the world around me.
Part of me wants to get out of school ASAP. Julia is graduating in December and it's starting to seem really... real all of a sudden that she is actually graduating. I will probably graduate early but because I am in a five year program I have at least an exra 6 months or so then those in my grade. That alone is a little buffer form of comfort and security. Add to it that I don't exactly want to graduate during a depression with some of the lowest college grad employment prospects in a long time.
I know I want to go to law school eventually, I've wanted to be a lawyer my entire life. I love to argue and make others see things my way. I love to challenge people and try to understand their point of view. I can take any side of an argument and argue it. Is being a lawyer really as shallow as it's rep implies? Unless your a public defender or some kind of public interest lawyer, your labeled as sort of an asshole. I don't want to have to defend people that may or may not be criminals. I like order and justice with a clear right and a wrong. I like contracts with stipulations and ammendments, with wordy explanations and provisions. But part of law that attracts me to it so much is the uncertainty within the rigidness, the fine line between what means justice or innocence, or what means vindication or punishment.
I know that if I wait too long after undergrad that there is no way I'm going to want to go back to school again. However, I also think I should work full time after graduating for at least a year just because. In a way, having the goal of law school keeps me moving, it helps me keep my chin up and my head on straight. In high school it was college that was my motivation, sometimes more then others. I largely took the prospect of college for granted, I knew I would go but I didn't really see it as an opportunity. It was just a course of action that I took for granted, that I saw as a right. I don't take it for granted any more, I see that I am so lucky to have the oppurtinities that I have. In school I throw myself into the coursework and for the first time in my life I crave learning and knowedge. The feeling of knowing I put my all into a paper, or studying every single facet of knowledge for an exam gives me a sense of accomplishment that I have never experienced before. Although I may not always get an A I know that I will never take less then my best as an excuse. In college it's this that is my motivation, along with law school, a career, a future.
I know so many people that had a clear goal that they had their heart set on that they ended up losing for one reason or another. I don't want to be one of those people, I do not want to have any regrets. But, life happens and you never know where you're going to end up. I'm entirely uncomfortable about that. I am the type of person that calculates every move I make, and although alot of times I make mistakes, I know that any failure in my life is a result of my actions, and that my life is not dictated for me by anyone else. I can't blame anyone but myself. I think thats part of a newfound maturity I have found, I have always blamed others for anything negative that has happened in my life, I've always had an excuse. I've never truely taken responsibility. "It wasn't my fault, or the test was too hard, they messed up, theres nothing I could have done, I did everything I could," etc, etc... these were always my excuses. I will not allow any excuse to come between me and my goals. Although my goals may change as I learn and grow, I know that I will always be working towards something and that I will never let anyone stand in the way of something I want. I will accept nothing less from myself.