i would cower at your feet if you'd only ask
so, the break is drawing to a close and i'm moderately excited...
not excited because of school... well, one class in particular. I have been doing terrible in this class all semester, and now it's been three times as bad. With the passing of my dear friend, Gary, it has been a chore for me to do little more than sleep and wallow in my anger & sadness.... how can i really expect myself to concentrate on a class that holds no interest for me whatsoever. I'm thinking about dropping this class - provided the teacher will allow it. I currently have a low D and foresee an F for the final grade... this is so bad.
i am excited about a boy and the high probability of much booze. Not at the same time, regrettably. This infatuation, if one wishes to call it that, has grown beyond my control. This man has total control over me... i would do anything for just the touch of his hand. For a long time - I have been interested in the world of BDSM, but have never found anyone that could dom me until now. If he would have me, i would do anything. He is so strong and determined, yet sweet and compassionate. It's such an amazing feeling to know that there is someone that you can trust completely and to whom you can relinquish all control. It's fascinating, uplifting, and relieving. To look into his eyes and to touch any part of his skin would be such an amazing treat at this moment. I don't know what's going to happen - if anything - but I know that he is all that i think about (even in the presence of my husband.) The way this man takes care of me, but at the same time allows me to take care of him, is awe inspiring. He has somehow commanded nothing but honesty from me - from the very beginning - and has never judged me. He promises to protect me and supports me when my panic attacks strike.
the feelings i had for my husband have faded dramatically. i entered into the marriage hastily... i feel that i can admit that now. i knew at the time that it was probably a mistake, but i'm so damned prideful. i thought that whatever problems existed would fade or work themselves out or that maybe they were just due to cold feet, but they have not and were not. it's probable that these things could be worked out, but i am unsure if I really want them to... it's not that i don't love him, but i am selfish. there - i said it. i am selfish and i feel that i need to concentrate on myself. sounds like a bitch move, huh?
i don't think that he has much of an idea what is going on... and i really don't know how to bring it up... especially with the holidays looming over my head. i don't want to break his heart, but i'm pretty sure that's what's going to happen. the worst thing is that i don't know how to do these things and my first instinct is to just say it - quick and cold.
Can someone help me with this?