so, how was lunch?
Try as I might, it seems impossible to gain a solid acceptance of L & D as a couple when she doesn't act like she & I are "just friends". We're more than that, but I'm never really sure how much more.
Just got back from lunch with L. She actually ended up calling me before lunch at like 11:20 am, and we talked 'til I got there--her break started early. She seemed pretty anxious for me to get down there ("move your butt already!" she said with a smile in her tone). She made a couple interesting comments on the phone--one about being on her monthly and when I said "too much information," she made a comment something to the effect of, "a boyfriend ought to know that, you always knew when we were together" or something like that. Hmmmm...*shrug*. She seemed surprised that I had the car, I told her that M was letting me use it most of the time since LH was giving her rides.
Then I got down there, and it went about as I expected--we ate the chicken parmesagna & mixed veggies I brought (she must've liked it, she had two pieces of chicken! LOL!) We talked and joked about all sorts of stuff (especially about her sister who's going to have twins in a few months) and I tried to make sure things were not too serious. Nothing related to D came up, except for her mention that's she'd be full when she got home, and that nowadays D's mom is recently retired and she has dinner ready by the time she comes home from work.
At the end of lunch, she hugged me and thanked me for bringing the food. A lot happened in the last few mintues. I whispered to her that I miss her, and she told me "I know." She said it more with a smile than with a snotty tone. She told me again, "Hey, don't get mopey on me." I guess that switched me into a more serious mood. I tried to be gentle, yet calm & firm and not pressuring. I asked her to sit a moment longer, and I told her that one of the things I'd thought about on Molokai was that maybe it was time to move--and that caught her off guard, definitely surprised at the idea. She asked me where (not sure, depends) and if it was by myself (yes). "Don't move because of me," she told me. And so I told her that, indeed, she was a big reason I'd be thinking of moving. I told her that when I was with M I was interested in moving, and then when I met her, I wasn't as interested any more--now I don't have much of a reason to hang around here. After all, it's been 10 weeks now that she's been with him, and I didn't see things changing anytime soon. (This time she didn't hit me with a "You don't know that!") She didn't like that, told me again that I shouldn't move because of her. She played it reasonably cool, but not cold. I told her I wasn't sure what to do--that she knew that I still love her, and that I want to be more than friends, and that I didn't know if that was ever going to happen. She was very noncommittal. Things with D were "okay." That she didn't know what was going to happen with D, no way to know, it's only been a couple of months. I asked her if this was what she wanted and she said she wasn't sure. I asked her, as I have before, what she wanted me to do, and essentially it was to "Keep doing what you're doing! Go out, see other girls, keep taking dance classes," etc. She's told me before she doesn't want me sitting at home all mopey. I told her that I was dating other girls (which is true) and that all that had done is make me want her more because I realized what I didn't have. I don't think she was expecting that, either.
I think we hugged four times (and not all initiated by me, mind you) before she finally had to get back to work, and I kissed her solidly on the cheek. Didn't try for anything else, it wasn't appropriate. Pushing my luck already as far as I'm concerned--it would do me well to remember my own code. Before she went inside, I told her "not to work too hard," and she grinned.
So, not a lot of positive signs, eh? But did I want any--haven't I heard enough? sigh. Apparently she likes me right where I'm at--she can get ahold of me, we're together on her terms, and that's it. She wants me around, but not too close. If you or I were to accuse her of stringing me along or keeping me as a backup, I'm sure she'd say, "What's the big deal, we're just friends?" The best read I can get from all this is, "Don't get your hopes up--I'm not sure but it's probably gonna be awhile, but maybe someday." What do you think? Of course I read the end of her & J all wrong--thought things were fine with them up until she was back, knocking on my door. So who knows?
I was pretty upset when I got back, N could tell. He talked to me for a few minutes and said, "you're looking at all the negatives, and none of the positives. She's still calling you, still getting together with you without him knowing, still goes dancing with you. She must still care or why would she bother? Trust me, she wouldn't contact you if she didn't still care about you. Why risk it? We all know this guy isn't right for her, it's only a matter of time before she leaves him. She's definitely not going to like pressure from the family to marry him. She told you she wants you to keep taking dance classes, right--why should she care if you do? The big question here is we just don't know how long it's going to take with him, he hasn't given her a real reason to leave yet. The question you have to ask yourself is, is she worth it? How long do you want to wait?" My answer was yes, and "I don't know." His advice was not to put my life on hold pining for her, but not to cut her off, either. He reiterated that he really believes there's no way it's going to last with D, that she's gonna get tired of him, "I know my sister and he's just not her type," and she's already said he only makes her happy "sometimes." He pointed out that other than my love life, things are going pretty well for me right now and just to run with it--what's the risk? So essentially N is saying the same thing L says to do.
Yes, I know you all think I'm a shmuck. Why settle for being second best? Why let myself go through this (again, as I did in January & February)? I'm 34 years old, and I should know better, right? "Lots of fish in the sea," I've heard. I'm trying to be as objective as I can: I've met lots of women over the years and yet no one has affected me quite like L has. She's incredibly interesting and challenges me mentally--she's not about kissing ass for the sake of kissing ass. She doesn't just bend to whatever I want--which can actually be an unattractive quality. She comes across as very confident (though I know on the inside her self-esteem has issues). I find that quality incredibly attractive--and she definitely likes it when I'm confident. She's fun to be with and has a perverted sense of humor like I do. Without committing a TMI, we're physically very compatible. I relish the cultural differences--they keep me on my toes. I like her generally laid back attitude about life (maybe a little too laid back sometimes). L had told me before that she likes how I can calm her down when she's upset. No, things are not perfect, and I have my mental list of red flags handy, but when we are together and things are going well, it sure feels right.
I guess I just have to learn to forget all that--at least for now, maybe forever. :*( I know it would be really good for me to just forget about it, but that's proving to be really damn tough.
Just got back from lunch with L. She actually ended up calling me before lunch at like 11:20 am, and we talked 'til I got there--her break started early. She seemed pretty anxious for me to get down there ("move your butt already!" she said with a smile in her tone). She made a couple interesting comments on the phone--one about being on her monthly and when I said "too much information," she made a comment something to the effect of, "a boyfriend ought to know that, you always knew when we were together" or something like that. Hmmmm...*shrug*. She seemed surprised that I had the car, I told her that M was letting me use it most of the time since LH was giving her rides.
Then I got down there, and it went about as I expected--we ate the chicken parmesagna & mixed veggies I brought (she must've liked it, she had two pieces of chicken! LOL!) We talked and joked about all sorts of stuff (especially about her sister who's going to have twins in a few months) and I tried to make sure things were not too serious. Nothing related to D came up, except for her mention that's she'd be full when she got home, and that nowadays D's mom is recently retired and she has dinner ready by the time she comes home from work.
At the end of lunch, she hugged me and thanked me for bringing the food. A lot happened in the last few mintues. I whispered to her that I miss her, and she told me "I know." She said it more with a smile than with a snotty tone. She told me again, "Hey, don't get mopey on me." I guess that switched me into a more serious mood. I tried to be gentle, yet calm & firm and not pressuring. I asked her to sit a moment longer, and I told her that one of the things I'd thought about on Molokai was that maybe it was time to move--and that caught her off guard, definitely surprised at the idea. She asked me where (not sure, depends) and if it was by myself (yes). "Don't move because of me," she told me. And so I told her that, indeed, she was a big reason I'd be thinking of moving. I told her that when I was with M I was interested in moving, and then when I met her, I wasn't as interested any more--now I don't have much of a reason to hang around here. After all, it's been 10 weeks now that she's been with him, and I didn't see things changing anytime soon. (This time she didn't hit me with a "You don't know that!") She didn't like that, told me again that I shouldn't move because of her. She played it reasonably cool, but not cold. I told her I wasn't sure what to do--that she knew that I still love her, and that I want to be more than friends, and that I didn't know if that was ever going to happen. She was very noncommittal. Things with D were "okay." That she didn't know what was going to happen with D, no way to know, it's only been a couple of months. I asked her if this was what she wanted and she said she wasn't sure. I asked her, as I have before, what she wanted me to do, and essentially it was to "Keep doing what you're doing! Go out, see other girls, keep taking dance classes," etc. She's told me before she doesn't want me sitting at home all mopey. I told her that I was dating other girls (which is true) and that all that had done is make me want her more because I realized what I didn't have. I don't think she was expecting that, either.
I think we hugged four times (and not all initiated by me, mind you) before she finally had to get back to work, and I kissed her solidly on the cheek. Didn't try for anything else, it wasn't appropriate. Pushing my luck already as far as I'm concerned--it would do me well to remember my own code. Before she went inside, I told her "not to work too hard," and she grinned.
So, not a lot of positive signs, eh? But did I want any--haven't I heard enough? sigh. Apparently she likes me right where I'm at--she can get ahold of me, we're together on her terms, and that's it. She wants me around, but not too close. If you or I were to accuse her of stringing me along or keeping me as a backup, I'm sure she'd say, "What's the big deal, we're just friends?" The best read I can get from all this is, "Don't get your hopes up--I'm not sure but it's probably gonna be awhile, but maybe someday." What do you think? Of course I read the end of her & J all wrong--thought things were fine with them up until she was back, knocking on my door. So who knows?
I was pretty upset when I got back, N could tell. He talked to me for a few minutes and said, "you're looking at all the negatives, and none of the positives. She's still calling you, still getting together with you without him knowing, still goes dancing with you. She must still care or why would she bother? Trust me, she wouldn't contact you if she didn't still care about you. Why risk it? We all know this guy isn't right for her, it's only a matter of time before she leaves him. She's definitely not going to like pressure from the family to marry him. She told you she wants you to keep taking dance classes, right--why should she care if you do? The big question here is we just don't know how long it's going to take with him, he hasn't given her a real reason to leave yet. The question you have to ask yourself is, is she worth it? How long do you want to wait?" My answer was yes, and "I don't know." His advice was not to put my life on hold pining for her, but not to cut her off, either. He reiterated that he really believes there's no way it's going to last with D, that she's gonna get tired of him, "I know my sister and he's just not her type," and she's already said he only makes her happy "sometimes." He pointed out that other than my love life, things are going pretty well for me right now and just to run with it--what's the risk? So essentially N is saying the same thing L says to do.
Yes, I know you all think I'm a shmuck. Why settle for being second best? Why let myself go through this (again, as I did in January & February)? I'm 34 years old, and I should know better, right? "Lots of fish in the sea," I've heard. I'm trying to be as objective as I can: I've met lots of women over the years and yet no one has affected me quite like L has. She's incredibly interesting and challenges me mentally--she's not about kissing ass for the sake of kissing ass. She doesn't just bend to whatever I want--which can actually be an unattractive quality. She comes across as very confident (though I know on the inside her self-esteem has issues). I find that quality incredibly attractive--and she definitely likes it when I'm confident. She's fun to be with and has a perverted sense of humor like I do. Without committing a TMI, we're physically very compatible. I relish the cultural differences--they keep me on my toes. I like her generally laid back attitude about life (maybe a little too laid back sometimes). L had told me before that she likes how I can calm her down when she's upset. No, things are not perfect, and I have my mental list of red flags handy, but when we are together and things are going well, it sure feels right.
I guess I just have to learn to forget all that--at least for now, maybe forever. :*( I know it would be really good for me to just forget about it, but that's proving to be really damn tough.