...
I really truly don't know what I need to say. I have this blob of emotion rising in my throat that just won't leave but I don't know what it is. It's a mixture of doubt, hope, disappointment, hurt, confusion and a constant feeling that something is gonna go wrong and there is nothing I can do about it. The feeling that something is gonna go wrong is so strong that it literally scares me. I can't sleep, get so anxious that I can't breath, and just want to cry. The fact that I don't know who it involves scares me too! Normally I can figure it out pretty quick, as to which people the whole thing pertains to, but I can't.
I think part of me is afraid that it has something to do with my momma, she has level 3 abnormal cancer cells in her cervix that she is suppose to get frozen every 2 yrs; she hasn't been into the doctor for it in about 6 yrs. Or possibly something with my step-mom and dad. My dad can't stand the fact that my mom has guy friends that she talks to on the phone. These guys don't even live in the same state as us but somehow she seems to be able to have an affair with them. I even know these guys and it wouldn't happen. My dad even accused her of having an affair with Brandon; of all people, Brandon?!?! Then there is the fear that something might happen with Patrick. Truthfully some people would be saying "why concern yourself with him," but I do. The reason being that with him partying and drinking like he does is difficult for me to digest. I know the reason it scares me is because I've already lost the love of my life to alcohol and I don't want to lose someone else I care about to it. If something were to happen to him because of it I would be devastated. I'd feel like it is this curse that I must be carrying with me. Even though I'd know it wasn't my fault, I wouldn't be able to help it.
Speaking of which, just over a month and it will be four yrs. since Nooner died. I can't believe he has been gone that long. It is like it was just yesterday that he was at my house after my eight grade graduation. Oh well.
I have more that I'll write later. I just need to set down and think.
~Joey
I think part of me is afraid that it has something to do with my momma, she has level 3 abnormal cancer cells in her cervix that she is suppose to get frozen every 2 yrs; she hasn't been into the doctor for it in about 6 yrs. Or possibly something with my step-mom and dad. My dad can't stand the fact that my mom has guy friends that she talks to on the phone. These guys don't even live in the same state as us but somehow she seems to be able to have an affair with them. I even know these guys and it wouldn't happen. My dad even accused her of having an affair with Brandon; of all people, Brandon?!?! Then there is the fear that something might happen with Patrick. Truthfully some people would be saying "why concern yourself with him," but I do. The reason being that with him partying and drinking like he does is difficult for me to digest. I know the reason it scares me is because I've already lost the love of my life to alcohol and I don't want to lose someone else I care about to it. If something were to happen to him because of it I would be devastated. I'd feel like it is this curse that I must be carrying with me. Even though I'd know it wasn't my fault, I wouldn't be able to help it.
Speaking of which, just over a month and it will be four yrs. since Nooner died. I can't believe he has been gone that long. It is like it was just yesterday that he was at my house after my eight grade graduation. Oh well.
I have more that I'll write later. I just need to set down and think.
~Joey