Not sure what to call this...
So I've been thinking lately, not a good sign right? Yeah you're probably right, but does it matter? Not really, and we know why don't we? Of course we do kids, it's because Corey's given up on that curseded attribute. All shall rejoice and yadah yadah.
Anyway, I've just been htinking that I've gone to great lengths to keep my self from getting hurt and from allowing any one, and I do mean anyone coming close to me. I don't remember the last time I held a conversation with any one for more than five minutes and me getting bored and just stop listening. Well not listening, because lately I haven't done that all. More like I just don't care what they have to say, it has no intrest to me. This bothers me to a large extent, because how can I be a friend if I'm not even interested in what they have to say? I've gotten to the point that even my intrest in all things, including Krista, which many of you all know has been my intrest for almost a year now, is gone.
Perhaps all this time I have spent bottled up to my self, has finally allowed me to reach that plain of uncaring bullshit, I wanted to go back to has paid off. Does that make me feel better now, and allow me to get back on with my life? Not at all, because now I don't care to really do much of anything except be alone. So where does this leave me? Right back at the begining, only this time I don't care. Just goes to show, that even I can't figure my self out, and all this soul searching bullshit gets me no where.
And since I mentioned friends, who are my friends? Now don't get me wrong on that question, because every single one of you are in some way or another. But how can I call you my friends, if I don't even make the attempt to be sociable with any one of you? See what I'm saying here now? How can I call these people that do care about me, and do want me to come hang out, if I'm the one who makes up the excuses to not go? I don't know how many times, Sean or Charles has asked me to come chill with them, or to go get a beer, or what ever and I've came up with some lame ass excuse to not go. I like to use Krista as an excuse most times, or even better yet, work. HA! I work about 6.5 hours a day for five days a week, that's only 32.5 hours accounted for, I'll throw in another 40 hours for sleeping and relaxing. So what do I do with the 95.5 hours the rest of my time during the week? Not a god damn thing, except watch movies, listen to music and sit online, usually all at once and not paying attention at all to any of it really. That just leads me up to my next question. Does any one else just waste their time waiting for some one to give them a call, to hang out for a couple hours and leave? Hell fuck no, but I do. Who am I waiting for, do you really have to ask? Why do I do it? Because I'm a jack ass. I'm not saying she's told me she'd call me, or even that's she's made plans with me and not come through. What I'm saying is, that I'm waiting for her to do that, because I'm a jack ass.
Yeah I know, here he goes again about Krista, fuck reading the rest of this post. Yeah well guess what, it's not about her. No, it's about me finally not giving a shit any more about anything, and realizing that I'm a jack ass, and no one can say other wise because we all know it's true. Hell when was the last time anyone has ever heard of me being in a good mood or being excited to go do something? I sure as hell can't remember. Even when I'm hanging out with Krista, I feel bored and restless. Maybe it's because I can't express my self like most everyone else, or perhaps I just don't care too, I haven't decided yet. Then again I don't see a point in me telling everyone what I'm thinking or feeling, because why should they care? It's not their problem and even though they try to give advice, it's my responsibility to put it to use.
So here's what I'm suggesting to anyone that what's know how I feel or what I think. Stay in your room, only coming out for work, food, and showers. Cut off all most all contact to the outside world except using the internet, and then put your away message on even though you're not away. Pop in a movie or a cd, grab a piece of paper and pen or pencil and either write down your thoughts or draw. Express your self through some hobby, and then keep it locked up so no one can ever see it but yourself. Don't share anything with anyone, and if some one asks what's wrong, tell them nothing. Finally, think about the one thing that hurts you the most, and then dwell on that for hours at a time, get mad about it and do something extremely stupid, then feel bad for your self. Appologize prefusely, everytime for no reason what so ever. Make up your own little fantasy world where everything is ok, and then destroy it by taking away the base of that world. Do this for one week, and if you're still happy repeat until your entire soul has decayed and rotted, leaving nothing inside of you but anguish, and hatred for what you are. To spice things up a little, add some macbre to it. Maybe think and plot out multiple murder plots in your mind and perfect them until every angle is covered. Not some random person, or some you one you dislike, but those you care about. Think about death to your self, but not self inflicted. Think of something that you love to do, and it becomes the thing that kills you. Go drive on the interstate as fast as you can, weaving in and out of traffic, and think "what if I blow a tire, or a car zigs when it should zag." Think about taking a shower, and you slip getting out and break your neck on the tub, busting your head open and bleeding everywhere. Don't just think simple either, but go in to high detail of the situation. What you would like, the scenery, the people around you. Think of what your family will do, or your friends. Who would tell them? How would they ever know, if there's no one to get in touch with them. Or my personal favorite, think about being alone, while you are alone. Think about growing old, and never going out to experience the world and knowing only what's around you. Think about becoming a recluse, and something happens that you die. Think what it be like to be left to die in your home, that little world you made for your self, and no one ever comes to find you. Eventually some one will, because you've not shown up to work in so long, or you haven't called your family, or you're behind in rent. But imagine if you had no family, then all you have to depend on is your land lord, or your job. Your job isn't going to care, they'll just write it off as you quit. God help you, it's your land lord you have to depend on. You can't even depend on them to fix your light bulb. What's going to happen now?! Nothing, nothing all because you're dead already, why's it matter to you?
Now here's the clincher to all of this. What I just typed out in that last paragraph, put a smile on my face. It cheered me up, and I feel good now. It's things like that, that make me happy. Maybe some of you can understand now, why I don't like going to happy cheerful places. Maybe you won't understand at all, and think I'm just insane. To each their own, and that's all I can say. I don't intend for this post to be a battle of who can be more negative or darker, who can out do one another, or who's more fucked up in the head or had a bad child hood. I could care less about any of that with any one. I could say everything bad thing that's ever happened in my life and blame it for making me the way I am. But why would I want to, when I like who I am. I like being me, and having all these thoughts. The only thing I can ever ask for that will ever truly make me happy, is some one who is on the same level as me in my fucked-up-ness. Maybe I've already met her, maybe I haven't. That's one reason I like Krista as much as I do, because she thinks a lot like me. But even she doesn't know what I think or feel any more. I just don't give a fuck enough to tell her, how shit makes me feel any more. I like being depressed and angry, because that makes me happy. That's just who I am.
Peace,
"Pyro" Corey D. Zembower
Anyway, I've just been htinking that I've gone to great lengths to keep my self from getting hurt and from allowing any one, and I do mean anyone coming close to me. I don't remember the last time I held a conversation with any one for more than five minutes and me getting bored and just stop listening. Well not listening, because lately I haven't done that all. More like I just don't care what they have to say, it has no intrest to me. This bothers me to a large extent, because how can I be a friend if I'm not even interested in what they have to say? I've gotten to the point that even my intrest in all things, including Krista, which many of you all know has been my intrest for almost a year now, is gone.
Perhaps all this time I have spent bottled up to my self, has finally allowed me to reach that plain of uncaring bullshit, I wanted to go back to has paid off. Does that make me feel better now, and allow me to get back on with my life? Not at all, because now I don't care to really do much of anything except be alone. So where does this leave me? Right back at the begining, only this time I don't care. Just goes to show, that even I can't figure my self out, and all this soul searching bullshit gets me no where.
And since I mentioned friends, who are my friends? Now don't get me wrong on that question, because every single one of you are in some way or another. But how can I call you my friends, if I don't even make the attempt to be sociable with any one of you? See what I'm saying here now? How can I call these people that do care about me, and do want me to come hang out, if I'm the one who makes up the excuses to not go? I don't know how many times, Sean or Charles has asked me to come chill with them, or to go get a beer, or what ever and I've came up with some lame ass excuse to not go. I like to use Krista as an excuse most times, or even better yet, work. HA! I work about 6.5 hours a day for five days a week, that's only 32.5 hours accounted for, I'll throw in another 40 hours for sleeping and relaxing. So what do I do with the 95.5 hours the rest of my time during the week? Not a god damn thing, except watch movies, listen to music and sit online, usually all at once and not paying attention at all to any of it really. That just leads me up to my next question. Does any one else just waste their time waiting for some one to give them a call, to hang out for a couple hours and leave? Hell fuck no, but I do. Who am I waiting for, do you really have to ask? Why do I do it? Because I'm a jack ass. I'm not saying she's told me she'd call me, or even that's she's made plans with me and not come through. What I'm saying is, that I'm waiting for her to do that, because I'm a jack ass.
Yeah I know, here he goes again about Krista, fuck reading the rest of this post. Yeah well guess what, it's not about her. No, it's about me finally not giving a shit any more about anything, and realizing that I'm a jack ass, and no one can say other wise because we all know it's true. Hell when was the last time anyone has ever heard of me being in a good mood or being excited to go do something? I sure as hell can't remember. Even when I'm hanging out with Krista, I feel bored and restless. Maybe it's because I can't express my self like most everyone else, or perhaps I just don't care too, I haven't decided yet. Then again I don't see a point in me telling everyone what I'm thinking or feeling, because why should they care? It's not their problem and even though they try to give advice, it's my responsibility to put it to use.
So here's what I'm suggesting to anyone that what's know how I feel or what I think. Stay in your room, only coming out for work, food, and showers. Cut off all most all contact to the outside world except using the internet, and then put your away message on even though you're not away. Pop in a movie or a cd, grab a piece of paper and pen or pencil and either write down your thoughts or draw. Express your self through some hobby, and then keep it locked up so no one can ever see it but yourself. Don't share anything with anyone, and if some one asks what's wrong, tell them nothing. Finally, think about the one thing that hurts you the most, and then dwell on that for hours at a time, get mad about it and do something extremely stupid, then feel bad for your self. Appologize prefusely, everytime for no reason what so ever. Make up your own little fantasy world where everything is ok, and then destroy it by taking away the base of that world. Do this for one week, and if you're still happy repeat until your entire soul has decayed and rotted, leaving nothing inside of you but anguish, and hatred for what you are. To spice things up a little, add some macbre to it. Maybe think and plot out multiple murder plots in your mind and perfect them until every angle is covered. Not some random person, or some you one you dislike, but those you care about. Think about death to your self, but not self inflicted. Think of something that you love to do, and it becomes the thing that kills you. Go drive on the interstate as fast as you can, weaving in and out of traffic, and think "what if I blow a tire, or a car zigs when it should zag." Think about taking a shower, and you slip getting out and break your neck on the tub, busting your head open and bleeding everywhere. Don't just think simple either, but go in to high detail of the situation. What you would like, the scenery, the people around you. Think of what your family will do, or your friends. Who would tell them? How would they ever know, if there's no one to get in touch with them. Or my personal favorite, think about being alone, while you are alone. Think about growing old, and never going out to experience the world and knowing only what's around you. Think about becoming a recluse, and something happens that you die. Think what it be like to be left to die in your home, that little world you made for your self, and no one ever comes to find you. Eventually some one will, because you've not shown up to work in so long, or you haven't called your family, or you're behind in rent. But imagine if you had no family, then all you have to depend on is your land lord, or your job. Your job isn't going to care, they'll just write it off as you quit. God help you, it's your land lord you have to depend on. You can't even depend on them to fix your light bulb. What's going to happen now?! Nothing, nothing all because you're dead already, why's it matter to you?
Now here's the clincher to all of this. What I just typed out in that last paragraph, put a smile on my face. It cheered me up, and I feel good now. It's things like that, that make me happy. Maybe some of you can understand now, why I don't like going to happy cheerful places. Maybe you won't understand at all, and think I'm just insane. To each their own, and that's all I can say. I don't intend for this post to be a battle of who can be more negative or darker, who can out do one another, or who's more fucked up in the head or had a bad child hood. I could care less about any of that with any one. I could say everything bad thing that's ever happened in my life and blame it for making me the way I am. But why would I want to, when I like who I am. I like being me, and having all these thoughts. The only thing I can ever ask for that will ever truly make me happy, is some one who is on the same level as me in my fucked-up-ness. Maybe I've already met her, maybe I haven't. That's one reason I like Krista as much as I do, because she thinks a lot like me. But even she doesn't know what I think or feel any more. I just don't give a fuck enough to tell her, how shit makes me feel any more. I like being depressed and angry, because that makes me happy. That's just who I am.
Peace,
"Pyro" Corey D. Zembower