KILLING SOME TIME~
I wrote a fic and I'm waiting for my dear friend to finish betaing it for meeee SO UNTIL THEN.
I'm going to write here.
... about stuff.
INTERESTING STUFF.
Okay maybe not. I read one of my friend's journal's today and it really got me thinking about how I think about myself, and how other's percieve me. So. I thought I would try talking about it.
Um... no one has to comment on this btw. Or even read it. Just. FYI. It's sort of me just thinking out loud... on the internet. maybe this is a bad idea SO UM IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE. LIKE. SORRY. PRETEND YOU DIDN'T SEE IT?
Right anyway.
Depending on who you talk to, the general opinion on me tends to be this:
Nice, Polite, Sweet, Funny, Weird (but in a good way) ((no seriously I've been told)), and occasionally Innocent. Easily embarrassed might be better... Smart, but flightly.
This is the general opinion.
And I guess... it's not entirely like, untrue. I am like that. But... I dunno, I guess I feel like a lot of people have this percieved image of me, that's a whole lot better then I actually am. And it's mostly my own fault.
I perpetuate it, because I guess, part of me likes it, that everyone thinks so highly of me. It makes me feel... special?
My closer friends don't think this, I know, because I'm more... myself I suppose around them. Not to say that I pretend around everyone else... but I'm definetly... not entirely myself. I'm a lot quieter, excessively polite sometimes. And sometimes I'm not.
WOW. I'M REALLY GETTING NO WHERE WITH THIS.
I don't know. Seriously. I feel like I've only confused myself more @_@
... there's really no point to this journal. Haha -shot-
Maybe I really just don't get myself at all orz
It's... mostly people at work, that make me feel like this I suppose. Because everyone kind of ... treats me... different. I would like to say I'm friends with all of them, and if you asked them I think they would say I'm their friend. But no of them... treats me like a friend. I love the people I work with, seriously they're awesome an hilarious and I've know most of them since I started working in 2007. Three years~
It really bothers me sometimes, that no one tries to be closer friends with me. It feels like I'm out of the loop, everyone else does all these things together and then they never invite me. But it's a two-way street, and I never invite them either. Maybe it's because they can tell I'm not... honest? I really would like to hang out with people from work more. I honestly really like them, I think it would be great being friends with them but there's this like mental barrier in my head. And it just. Stops me I guess. I don't know why, cauase that's stupid.
But, I don't think anyone dislikes me. In fact I think they do generally like me. I think. But... it's... weird.
.... soawkward.
It's gotten better though. A girl from work has been inviting me to a lot of stuff lately, and... it's makes me soooo happy. Seriously. I just cried a little bit.
... I think I'm really dependent on how others think of me, which is terrible whyyyy.
Idkkkk, I've always been like this, wanting people to like me. Which in it's self isn't necessarily a bad thing. Most people want people to like them, right? But I guess... I worry how much it affects me when I think people don't like me.
... But I think... I've gotten better? At being myself more at least. I'm still a little .... more affected by other opinions then I'd like to be though.
... *cough*
.... I totally understand if no one wants to comment on this btw. Because. It's just kind of a messy FAIL and kind of just awkward... J-JUST. COMMENT ON MY FIC, I WILL BE HAPPY.