(no subject)
So I haven't updated in a while just because most of the things that have been going on in my life recently are just way to difficult to explain and I rather not get in to it. I will say this though, if the guilt doesn't kill me first then common sense will.
Things with the boyfriend have not been working out very well either. He's been so paranoid recently its actually rather annoying and all we have been doing lately is fighting over stupid things. It's gotten to a point where I know I love him but I ask myself do I love him enough. People say that when you love someone that its a beautiful thing, but I see it more as an up-hill battle. Then I start asking myself, is it really going to be worth it in the end? I can really see myself with him in the far future but that doesn't stop me from wondering if I'm really ready to handle most of the situations that I might go through in the future. It makes me wonder if I have a good head on my shoulders and if I will be mature enough to handle what life has in store. Smothering me is an understatement to what he is doing. Its like he has this huge awesome plan for us already planed out. I'm going to finnish my BA, he's going to finnish massage therapy, he's going to move here, get a job, buy an apartment and live happily ever after. Denied.
Probably the most sad but true reality that never fails is that plans don't always turn out the way you wanted them to be. Somehow he doesn't understand that we could want this or we could want that, but there will always be a slim chance of getting it. Life is completely random and God sometimes has a terrible sense of humor. Things were so bad that we decided to go on a short break. Time is said to heal all wounds so lets see if its true. Lately I've grown so bitter because if these fights that I've let it affect my life. I accidently snapped at my mom yesterday because of it. I felt so miserable at the time that I didn't know how to apologize and I didn't want to explain what was going on between me and him because I don't want her to know. Actually I don't want anyone to know. Well at least anyone I personally know here.
I just want things to seem fine even though they're not. At least for now.
Things with the boyfriend have not been working out very well either. He's been so paranoid recently its actually rather annoying and all we have been doing lately is fighting over stupid things. It's gotten to a point where I know I love him but I ask myself do I love him enough. People say that when you love someone that its a beautiful thing, but I see it more as an up-hill battle. Then I start asking myself, is it really going to be worth it in the end? I can really see myself with him in the far future but that doesn't stop me from wondering if I'm really ready to handle most of the situations that I might go through in the future. It makes me wonder if I have a good head on my shoulders and if I will be mature enough to handle what life has in store. Smothering me is an understatement to what he is doing. Its like he has this huge awesome plan for us already planed out. I'm going to finnish my BA, he's going to finnish massage therapy, he's going to move here, get a job, buy an apartment and live happily ever after. Denied.
Probably the most sad but true reality that never fails is that plans don't always turn out the way you wanted them to be. Somehow he doesn't understand that we could want this or we could want that, but there will always be a slim chance of getting it. Life is completely random and God sometimes has a terrible sense of humor. Things were so bad that we decided to go on a short break. Time is said to heal all wounds so lets see if its true. Lately I've grown so bitter because if these fights that I've let it affect my life. I accidently snapped at my mom yesterday because of it. I felt so miserable at the time that I didn't know how to apologize and I didn't want to explain what was going on between me and him because I don't want her to know. Actually I don't want anyone to know. Well at least anyone I personally know here.
I just want things to seem fine even though they're not. At least for now.