I don't usuallyfeel right posting about negative stuff here, mostly because the only reason to put it here is to preserve it and it's not like I want to re-experience things that are sad. But this is also a life blog so I'm going to make myself write it down instead of pretending it didn't happen.
Today was my grandfather's funeral. I think he deserves the recognition. I've known him all my life, even though my grandparents went to retire a hundred miles away from where I live, we saw them regularly. This was my first funeral. It's really hard to look at a coffin and try to realise there's someone you used to know inside it. And it wasnt until the church bells started slowly ringing that I felt very emotional. I've never heard that solitary bell toll so associated with misfortune and death in the context from whch it originated.
I got upset, and I kept it in control until after I'd done my reading f a bible verse. Then I got really upset. I'm not sure why it was so bad.
Obviously to got me to think a lot about loss and how people deal with it. I used to think the effect that it had was the finality, and not being able to communicate with someone anymore, and their presence being taken away from you, but I realise that it's also somehow just respect for a conscious mind no longer existing. And all the stuff in the service about going to live in heaven with god, ascending to another life (some of which I read out myself) just felt painful and worsening the process of acceptance. I wanted to pay respects for a long life lived and remember with a tone of finality and mostly, get closure. I didn't want to be told that it was okay because he wasn't actually gone, just waiting on another plane of existence. It really did not feel right, emotionally.
Anyway, it was a really lovely day, probably the best day of the year. Sunny and all the flowers along the road to the church were in bloom, it looked amazing. We went to the village hall afterwards for chat and buffet. After eating I felt a lot more stable. To be honest I felt a bit ashamed to cry in front of all the people when we walked out, Im not sure why, but there were so many of them. Then I remembered I get upset very easily if I haven't eaten much. I really have to remember this so I can control myself better in the future.
I still have a lot to do before the university hand in and I might try to get more out of the way before we go home tomorrow.
Today was my grandfather's funeral. I think he deserves the recognition. I've known him all my life, even though my grandparents went to retire a hundred miles away from where I live, we saw them regularly. This was my first funeral. It's really hard to look at a coffin and try to realise there's someone you used to know inside it. And it wasnt until the church bells started slowly ringing that I felt very emotional. I've never heard that solitary bell toll so associated with misfortune and death in the context from whch it originated.
I got upset, and I kept it in control until after I'd done my reading f a bible verse. Then I got really upset. I'm not sure why it was so bad.
Obviously to got me to think a lot about loss and how people deal with it. I used to think the effect that it had was the finality, and not being able to communicate with someone anymore, and their presence being taken away from you, but I realise that it's also somehow just respect for a conscious mind no longer existing. And all the stuff in the service about going to live in heaven with god, ascending to another life (some of which I read out myself) just felt painful and worsening the process of acceptance. I wanted to pay respects for a long life lived and remember with a tone of finality and mostly, get closure. I didn't want to be told that it was okay because he wasn't actually gone, just waiting on another plane of existence. It really did not feel right, emotionally.
Anyway, it was a really lovely day, probably the best day of the year. Sunny and all the flowers along the road to the church were in bloom, it looked amazing. We went to the village hall afterwards for chat and buffet. After eating I felt a lot more stable. To be honest I felt a bit ashamed to cry in front of all the people when we walked out, Im not sure why, but there were so many of them. Then I remembered I get upset very easily if I haven't eaten much. I really have to remember this so I can control myself better in the future.
I still have a lot to do before the university hand in and I might try to get more out of the way before we go home tomorrow.