XXXHOLiC Angst makes my world go 'round
I wrote (yet another) Songfic this time its for XXXHOLiC
The Lyrics are from Billy Talent's Surrender and there is Mass amounts of Angst in it ( I think ...I could be totally off on that one)
WataHima with (perceived) DouHima some one-sided DouWata as well (thats quite the paring party I have goin on there)
“Himawari is not your goddess of luck Watanuki”
From when Watanuki first told Yuuko about Himawari until now Yuuko has ceaselessly said that Himawari and he were bound for ill fortune. No matter how many times he ranted and raved that Himawari was the goddess of beauty and love and all that was good and kind in the world Yuuko would unerringly say that She wasn’t his goddess of good luck or insinuate that she was not interested in him in that way. It’s not though any lack or fault on Watanuki’s behalf really; he has every teenager’s low self esteem in regards to his personal attractiveness and he really isn’t that bad looking as Yuuko teasingly points out but she cautions him almost constantly. Looking back Watanuki thought that Yuuko was almost being Motherly in her worry over Watanuki’s safety and wellbeing ‘probably because she’ll starve if I ever get tremendously hurt and cant work for a few days’ he thought aggrievedly
She reads a book from across the street,
Waiting for someone that she'll never meet.
“Himawaaaaaaaaaari-Chan” calls Watanuki on his way to school every morning. Himawari’s face lighting up with her joy in seeing him. ‘Himawari is always so kind and cheerful’ Mused Watanuki ‘in fact I daresay she is too kind inviting that JERK Doumeki along everywhere we go when I could have some serious alone time’ he thought to himself pretty much every morning .
Talk over coffee for an hour or two,
She wonders why I'm always in a good mood.
Finally it happened the gods of luck (and love if he may daresay) were smiling down on him and he was able to treat Himawari to an afternoon at the Shoppe that just opened down the street from their school. He was practically floating down the street with her that afternoon and to even Himawari he was far more over-exuberant than normal in his gestures and responses to which she lightly commented on but said no more, glad for the distraction about her own state.
Killin' time before she struts her stuff,
She needs support and I've become the crutch.
Watanuki Knew there was something about Himawari not just her Brilliant smile or her gorgeous green eyes that Watanuki so adored. He had noticed things that were ….a little off but he casually dismissed it he was a seer after all and maybe he was over-analyzing every small detail of his life looking for some malignant spirit to come try and eat him. Himawari however knew and it hurt her to think she was using Watanuki shamelessly hooking onto him with her gestures and smile and keeping him there and she felt bad about it but being around Watanuki was like a drug and she couldn’t stop his infectious smile or cheerful good mood when she was around him and it did make her feel better when he offered to make her cake or any sort of food but in her heart she knew it was only a matter of time before something happened and it would be both her fault and her undoing.
She'll never know how much she means to me.
I'd play the game but I'm the referee.
Its not that Himawari really had any preference between Doumeki and Watanuki they were both very dear to her. And she preferred to remain neutral in that way which invariably caused Watanuki to assume that she and Doumeki were ready to announce that they were going to date any day now, while she was trying as hard as she could to subtlety get those two together (cause it would be “just so cute”) and she wouldn’t have to worry about her luck.
Surrender
Every word, every thought every sound.
She is the reprieve over a hot and muggy spring and the promise she bade him make weighed both heavily and lightly on his heart
Surrender
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
Her smile was brighter then the sun more beautiful than the stars in the heavens and made him feel wonderful for hours afterward
Surrender
All the pain we've endured until now.
She is always willing to listen to him about his day, dreams, the horrors he has to deal with, the never ending rant over Yuuko and Mokona and she is always encouraging him.
Surrender
All the hope that I lost you have found.
She is his warmth on the winter day the confidence builder and the most incredibly cute person he could ever chance to know
Surrender yourself to me.
So what could possibly go wrong?
Even though I know what I'm lookin' for,
She's got a brick wall behind her door.
She is more aware then the average person may think about how Watanuki feels for her indeed it would take an extraordinarily dense individual not to see it but she can not, must not get close to him. She knows if she does that worse things could be in store but the blind love struck fool that Watanuki is simply doesn’t see it yet and she needs to make him see now while there is still time and a Watanuki to see.
I'd travel time and confess to her,
But I'm afraid she'd shoot the messenger.
Unfortunately for the both of them that moment came and was passed with no word spoken of the dangers and the luck because Watanuki was just so blind
In his love
In his devotion
In his competitiveness
In possibly everything relating to Kunogi Himawari and due to her unfortunate bad luck she ended up causing the ill fated tumble though the second story window.
Surrender
Every word, every thought every sound.
As his body falls though the window he has so many thoughts running though his head it’s a wonder he is aware of his surroundings at all. He sees the sky utterly cloudless and almost painful in its intensity in the moments before impact. It almost seems as though time has slowed down while he falls the shards of glass impaling his body don’t hurt yet and he can only marvel at that. The glitters of glass almost look like diamonds as do his tears the blood flowing looks almost like rubies or Yuuko’s eyes and it contrasts sharply with the too-pale almost luminescent (see through so see thruohmygodI’mgoingtodisappearafterall) quality of his arm almost as painfully stark as the sky is blue. And he’s
Surrender
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
Falling he can dimly hear his name being called form below and above and still he
Surrender
All the pain we've endured until now.
Falls and he knows the ground is coming at his fast but he still marvels at the feeling of weightlessness and the sick realization that he is in fact going to die and damn it all if he never confessed to Himawari or got his first kiss. He feels a brief fleeting surge of bitter hatred for Doumeki who would finally have Himawari to himself which melts into remorse that he
Surrender
All the hope that I lost you have found.
Never bothered to become friends with Doumeki despite the baiting between them he did harbor a lot of respect for the archer… However he was damned if he would say it and now he would never be able to. Watanuki had to smile at that although in reality it looked more like a grimace and then he hit the ground
Surrender yourself to me.
And he thought no more
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds,
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds.
Searching until my hands bleed,
This flower don't belong to me.
Doumeki reached him first having seen him falling running towards him face uncharacteristically full to overflowing with emotion running to beat the devil not wanting to be too late to save the boy he had come to love as fiercely as anyone. When he heard the bone shattering thud and the shink snick of glass piercing his skin accompanied by the tinkle of broken glass cascading around him and the warbling high pitched anguished screams from Kunogi above him he though for a moment ‘oh shit, Shit, SHITSHIT NO God no PLEASE GOD NO!!’ he ran up to the broken boy and fell to his knees beside him breaking the glass surrounding him further and cutting himself in the process but in his misery he didn’t seem to notice his blood mingling with Watanuki’s. His mind could only brokenly repeat ‘toolatetoolateiwastoolateohgodhe’sgoneIwastoolate’ he felt a brief bright surge of hatred for Kunogi for causing this and an equally bright flare for Watanuki for never fucking noticing what had been right in front of his damn face all this time but both were quickly snuffed out when he saw Watanuki breathing shallowly and he heard Yuuko say in his mind ‘All is not yet lost bring him to me and bring Himawari too if you want to save him’ Doumeki held back any biting mental retort he would have made and hoisted Watanuki up feeling how sickeningly light he was like was going to disappear (ohgodohgoddontdieiloveyoudontleaveme) he saw Kunogi running towards him her face as pale and bloodless as Watanuki’s. With a curt motion of his head he bade her follow him and he took off at a dead run cradling Watanuki’s still form as gently as he could while running to the shop.
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds,
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds.
Searching until my hands bleed,
This flower don't belong to me.
This flower don't belong to me.
All was black it was encompassing, absolute, stifling Watanuki could no more see though it than he could see his own hands an inch in front of his face. Then the Pain hit him and his eyes flew open pupils narrowing to pinpoints with the pain and shock and he thought he was going to pass out again. But then the pain receded to a dull ache throughout his body centering on his heart his eyes tearing up. He saw his parents reaching out towards him their arms strangely covered in blood like that day (1) he wanted to go with them so badly and he started to cry harder when he was told that he couldn’t and before he could follow them he was stopped by the guy in the weird clothing (2) then he felt a strange pull and the guy said as the world went grey “Lets meet again in a real dream” and then the world went white.
Why could she belong to me?
Himawari had a very clear metal picture that she’s never told anyone. It’s part of a recurring dream that she has had ever since the incident with the window. She sees herself standing in front of Watanuki in their winter uniforms; Watanuki is standing with his arms outstretched with a happy smile plastered on his face holding a huge sunflower saying “for you” and his hands are bleeding profusely. (3) There is blood pooling on the ground in front of her and blood dripping off of the Sunflower carefully cradled in his injured hands. Himawari has her hands to her face trying to hold back the sobs of anguish as she stares at the bright red drops falling as ceaselessly form his hands as clear tears are form her eyes. She usually wakes up then, with tears pooling at the corner of her eyes and soaking into her pillow holding back those selfsame sobs in the real world trying not to wake her parents and cause them any more worry over her.
He woke up and let his eyes adjust to his surroundings, still a bit blurry without his glasses, his whole body ached and he could barely move. Turning his head he saw Yuuko who told him that he was alive and the price to return him from the brink had already been paid. Himawari walked in and Yuuko left for the moment
She said that she was the cause of all his bad luck when he was around her
Every word, every thought every sound.
She said that she has caused many severe injuries even deaths
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
She said that he was one of her first and best friends
All the pain we've endured until now.
She tried to say goodbye and called him an idiot when he refused to let her go
All the hope that I lost you have found.
She, crying, feeling the scars that would never fade on her back though that the happiest moment of her life was when Watanuki said “Because I like you the most I won’t let you cry.”
Surrender
Every word, every thought every sound.
He realized that her luck was almost as deadly as being around spirits
Surrender
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
He saw now the aura of bad luck that surrounds her like a pall
Surrender
All the pain we've endured until now.
Being with her could only cause more hardship and pain for them both
Surrender
All the hope that I lost you have found.
He realized he didn’t care one iota and loved her just as much as before and would do anything for her.
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask,
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
He now knew the history of Himawari, still loved her but knew that if he ever tried to be with her she would reject it on very plausible grounds mind you but that wouldn’t stop him from trying
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask,
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
She knew that he would always feel that way for her that special way and all she could do was call him an idiot
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask,
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
He sees much says little and still harbors that hopeless love for him. He knows that probably he will never returned he sentiments but he can’t help but hope that one day he will. He doesn’t regret saving him he never will no price is too high weather it be an eye or blood or even limb or life he will sacrifice it for his one special person selfish as he may be in that thought.
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask.
(1) I’m theorizing that the accident left its impression on Watanuki even though he’s given up his memory of that time
(2) I don’t know if Watanuki recognized Haruka in the manga or not as he had the appearance of 5 years of age so thus what I wrote
(3) I’ve drawn that…and it is a horribly disturbing picture in fact it is what inspired the story. I wonder if that makes me an equally disturbing individual.
AN- I am a horrible, horrible person I know I am. This is so chalk full of Angst (angst, angst, angst, angity, angst, angst, angst… say it with me now) an admittedly normal person would cry…I think…. I honestly don’t think I made it angsty enough in fact I rather feel like I’ve downplayed it (and yet I sit here complacently thinking on how to torture the characters next) although I’m neither normal nor admit to it, it is a pretty and sad song and the circumstances are rather sad (and cliché… but still). Please don’t ask where this came from cause I wont tell you (not knowing comes into play my muse and I work wonderfully together …when she’s around) I love the song (me and my emo music I tells ya) and it struck me as a WataHima song
The Lyrics are from Billy Talent's Surrender and there is Mass amounts of Angst in it ( I think ...I could be totally off on that one)
WataHima with (perceived) DouHima some one-sided DouWata as well (thats quite the paring party I have goin on there)
“Himawari is not your goddess of luck Watanuki”
From when Watanuki first told Yuuko about Himawari until now Yuuko has ceaselessly said that Himawari and he were bound for ill fortune. No matter how many times he ranted and raved that Himawari was the goddess of beauty and love and all that was good and kind in the world Yuuko would unerringly say that She wasn’t his goddess of good luck or insinuate that she was not interested in him in that way. It’s not though any lack or fault on Watanuki’s behalf really; he has every teenager’s low self esteem in regards to his personal attractiveness and he really isn’t that bad looking as Yuuko teasingly points out but she cautions him almost constantly. Looking back Watanuki thought that Yuuko was almost being Motherly in her worry over Watanuki’s safety and wellbeing ‘probably because she’ll starve if I ever get tremendously hurt and cant work for a few days’ he thought aggrievedly
She reads a book from across the street,
Waiting for someone that she'll never meet.
“Himawaaaaaaaaaari-Chan” calls Watanuki on his way to school every morning. Himawari’s face lighting up with her joy in seeing him. ‘Himawari is always so kind and cheerful’ Mused Watanuki ‘in fact I daresay she is too kind inviting that JERK Doumeki along everywhere we go when I could have some serious alone time’ he thought to himself pretty much every morning .
Talk over coffee for an hour or two,
She wonders why I'm always in a good mood.
Finally it happened the gods of luck (and love if he may daresay) were smiling down on him and he was able to treat Himawari to an afternoon at the Shoppe that just opened down the street from their school. He was practically floating down the street with her that afternoon and to even Himawari he was far more over-exuberant than normal in his gestures and responses to which she lightly commented on but said no more, glad for the distraction about her own state.
Killin' time before she struts her stuff,
She needs support and I've become the crutch.
Watanuki Knew there was something about Himawari not just her Brilliant smile or her gorgeous green eyes that Watanuki so adored. He had noticed things that were ….a little off but he casually dismissed it he was a seer after all and maybe he was over-analyzing every small detail of his life looking for some malignant spirit to come try and eat him. Himawari however knew and it hurt her to think she was using Watanuki shamelessly hooking onto him with her gestures and smile and keeping him there and she felt bad about it but being around Watanuki was like a drug and she couldn’t stop his infectious smile or cheerful good mood when she was around him and it did make her feel better when he offered to make her cake or any sort of food but in her heart she knew it was only a matter of time before something happened and it would be both her fault and her undoing.
She'll never know how much she means to me.
I'd play the game but I'm the referee.
Its not that Himawari really had any preference between Doumeki and Watanuki they were both very dear to her. And she preferred to remain neutral in that way which invariably caused Watanuki to assume that she and Doumeki were ready to announce that they were going to date any day now, while she was trying as hard as she could to subtlety get those two together (cause it would be “just so cute”) and she wouldn’t have to worry about her luck.
Surrender
Every word, every thought every sound.
She is the reprieve over a hot and muggy spring and the promise she bade him make weighed both heavily and lightly on his heart
Surrender
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
Her smile was brighter then the sun more beautiful than the stars in the heavens and made him feel wonderful for hours afterward
Surrender
All the pain we've endured until now.
She is always willing to listen to him about his day, dreams, the horrors he has to deal with, the never ending rant over Yuuko and Mokona and she is always encouraging him.
Surrender
All the hope that I lost you have found.
She is his warmth on the winter day the confidence builder and the most incredibly cute person he could ever chance to know
Surrender yourself to me.
So what could possibly go wrong?
Even though I know what I'm lookin' for,
She's got a brick wall behind her door.
She is more aware then the average person may think about how Watanuki feels for her indeed it would take an extraordinarily dense individual not to see it but she can not, must not get close to him. She knows if she does that worse things could be in store but the blind love struck fool that Watanuki is simply doesn’t see it yet and she needs to make him see now while there is still time and a Watanuki to see.
I'd travel time and confess to her,
But I'm afraid she'd shoot the messenger.
Unfortunately for the both of them that moment came and was passed with no word spoken of the dangers and the luck because Watanuki was just so blind
In his love
In his devotion
In his competitiveness
In possibly everything relating to Kunogi Himawari and due to her unfortunate bad luck she ended up causing the ill fated tumble though the second story window.
Surrender
Every word, every thought every sound.
As his body falls though the window he has so many thoughts running though his head it’s a wonder he is aware of his surroundings at all. He sees the sky utterly cloudless and almost painful in its intensity in the moments before impact. It almost seems as though time has slowed down while he falls the shards of glass impaling his body don’t hurt yet and he can only marvel at that. The glitters of glass almost look like diamonds as do his tears the blood flowing looks almost like rubies or Yuuko’s eyes and it contrasts sharply with the too-pale almost luminescent (see through so see thruohmygodI’mgoingtodisappearafterall) quality of his arm almost as painfully stark as the sky is blue. And he’s
Surrender
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
Falling he can dimly hear his name being called form below and above and still he
Surrender
All the pain we've endured until now.
Falls and he knows the ground is coming at his fast but he still marvels at the feeling of weightlessness and the sick realization that he is in fact going to die and damn it all if he never confessed to Himawari or got his first kiss. He feels a brief fleeting surge of bitter hatred for Doumeki who would finally have Himawari to himself which melts into remorse that he
Surrender
All the hope that I lost you have found.
Never bothered to become friends with Doumeki despite the baiting between them he did harbor a lot of respect for the archer… However he was damned if he would say it and now he would never be able to. Watanuki had to smile at that although in reality it looked more like a grimace and then he hit the ground
Surrender yourself to me.
And he thought no more
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds,
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds.
Searching until my hands bleed,
This flower don't belong to me.
Doumeki reached him first having seen him falling running towards him face uncharacteristically full to overflowing with emotion running to beat the devil not wanting to be too late to save the boy he had come to love as fiercely as anyone. When he heard the bone shattering thud and the shink snick of glass piercing his skin accompanied by the tinkle of broken glass cascading around him and the warbling high pitched anguished screams from Kunogi above him he though for a moment ‘oh shit, Shit, SHITSHIT NO God no PLEASE GOD NO!!’ he ran up to the broken boy and fell to his knees beside him breaking the glass surrounding him further and cutting himself in the process but in his misery he didn’t seem to notice his blood mingling with Watanuki’s. His mind could only brokenly repeat ‘toolatetoolateiwastoolateohgodhe’sgoneIwastoolate’ he felt a brief bright surge of hatred for Kunogi for causing this and an equally bright flare for Watanuki for never fucking noticing what had been right in front of his damn face all this time but both were quickly snuffed out when he saw Watanuki breathing shallowly and he heard Yuuko say in his mind ‘All is not yet lost bring him to me and bring Himawari too if you want to save him’ Doumeki held back any biting mental retort he would have made and hoisted Watanuki up feeling how sickeningly light he was like was going to disappear (ohgodohgoddontdieiloveyoudontleaveme) he saw Kunogi running towards him her face as pale and bloodless as Watanuki’s. With a curt motion of his head he bade her follow him and he took off at a dead run cradling Watanuki’s still form as gently as he could while running to the shop.
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds,
I think I found a flower in a field of weeds.
Searching until my hands bleed,
This flower don't belong to me.
This flower don't belong to me.
All was black it was encompassing, absolute, stifling Watanuki could no more see though it than he could see his own hands an inch in front of his face. Then the Pain hit him and his eyes flew open pupils narrowing to pinpoints with the pain and shock and he thought he was going to pass out again. But then the pain receded to a dull ache throughout his body centering on his heart his eyes tearing up. He saw his parents reaching out towards him their arms strangely covered in blood like that day (1) he wanted to go with them so badly and he started to cry harder when he was told that he couldn’t and before he could follow them he was stopped by the guy in the weird clothing (2) then he felt a strange pull and the guy said as the world went grey “Lets meet again in a real dream” and then the world went white.
Why could she belong to me?
Himawari had a very clear metal picture that she’s never told anyone. It’s part of a recurring dream that she has had ever since the incident with the window. She sees herself standing in front of Watanuki in their winter uniforms; Watanuki is standing with his arms outstretched with a happy smile plastered on his face holding a huge sunflower saying “for you” and his hands are bleeding profusely. (3) There is blood pooling on the ground in front of her and blood dripping off of the Sunflower carefully cradled in his injured hands. Himawari has her hands to her face trying to hold back the sobs of anguish as she stares at the bright red drops falling as ceaselessly form his hands as clear tears are form her eyes. She usually wakes up then, with tears pooling at the corner of her eyes and soaking into her pillow holding back those selfsame sobs in the real world trying not to wake her parents and cause them any more worry over her.
He woke up and let his eyes adjust to his surroundings, still a bit blurry without his glasses, his whole body ached and he could barely move. Turning his head he saw Yuuko who told him that he was alive and the price to return him from the brink had already been paid. Himawari walked in and Yuuko left for the moment
She said that she was the cause of all his bad luck when he was around her
Every word, every thought every sound.
She said that she has caused many severe injuries even deaths
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
She said that he was one of her first and best friends
All the pain we've endured until now.
She tried to say goodbye and called him an idiot when he refused to let her go
All the hope that I lost you have found.
She, crying, feeling the scars that would never fade on her back though that the happiest moment of her life was when Watanuki said “Because I like you the most I won’t let you cry.”
Surrender
Every word, every thought every sound.
He realized that her luck was almost as deadly as being around spirits
Surrender
Every touch, every smile, every frown.
He saw now the aura of bad luck that surrounds her like a pall
Surrender
All the pain we've endured until now.
Being with her could only cause more hardship and pain for them both
Surrender
All the hope that I lost you have found.
He realized he didn’t care one iota and loved her just as much as before and would do anything for her.
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask,
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
He now knew the history of Himawari, still loved her but knew that if he ever tried to be with her she would reject it on very plausible grounds mind you but that wouldn’t stop him from trying
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask,
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
She knew that he would always feel that way for her that special way and all she could do was call him an idiot
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask,
(Surrender)
Has my moment come and passed?
He sees much says little and still harbors that hopeless love for him. He knows that probably he will never returned he sentiments but he can’t help but hope that one day he will. He doesn’t regret saving him he never will no price is too high weather it be an eye or blood or even limb or life he will sacrifice it for his one special person selfish as he may be in that thought.
(Surrender)
I never had the nerve to ask.
(1) I’m theorizing that the accident left its impression on Watanuki even though he’s given up his memory of that time
(2) I don’t know if Watanuki recognized Haruka in the manga or not as he had the appearance of 5 years of age so thus what I wrote
(3) I’ve drawn that…and it is a horribly disturbing picture in fact it is what inspired the story. I wonder if that makes me an equally disturbing individual.
AN- I am a horrible, horrible person I know I am. This is so chalk full of Angst (angst, angst, angst, angity, angst, angst, angst… say it with me now) an admittedly normal person would cry…I think…. I honestly don’t think I made it angsty enough in fact I rather feel like I’ve downplayed it (and yet I sit here complacently thinking on how to torture the characters next) although I’m neither normal nor admit to it, it is a pretty and sad song and the circumstances are rather sad (and cliché… but still). Please don’t ask where this came from cause I wont tell you (not knowing comes into play my muse and I work wonderfully together …when she’s around) I love the song (me and my emo music I tells ya) and it struck me as a WataHima song