Add one more to the haul; & My writer's manifesto.
Santa is a wonderful person! I get porn, too! Written and betaed by two of my favorite authors in the Suikoden fandom, no less!
I can die happy now. *g*
---
tarigwaemir made me aware that there has been some recent discussion regarding concrit. I was going to keep my mouth shut, but a comment on my most recent work got me thinking and I decided to throw in my two cents.
First and foremost, I will say that, ultimately, the one and only reason why I write is for my own amusement. I don't feel like I have anything particularly meaningful or constructive to "offer" fandom -- I've never been that pretentious. I simply love words, and I love people/characters, and I love love, and putting those three things together is one of the most enjoyable ways I've found to pass the time. I've been doing it nearly all my life. Way before I ever started on fanfiction, I was writing stories. At nine years old, I started writing my own multi-chapter epics -- original fiction. I wasn't even fluent in English yet, but that didn't stop me from writing anyway. (Thankfully, I had a good editor -- my mother.) Once I had a teacher who taught me that there was nothing wrong with writing about fantasy worlds, the words never stopped flowing. Even the language barrier didn't stop me.
But just because I write for myself rather than for my readers, doesn't mean that I don't like praise. I'll be the first to admit that I love praise. If I didn't, I wouldn't make my writing public. There are apparently some people out there who seem to think that admitting to preferring praise over concrit is OMGBLASPHEMY because it's arrogant and pretentious and I-don't-even-know-what-else. But I feel that it's even more pretentious to pretend that you make your writing public for any other reason except to seek praise (unless, perhaps, you're one of those people who actually believes they have something BIG to offer fandom, but that's really just another kind of pretentiousness). I've never seen anyone who's published a fic and added as a note, "Don't comment unless you have constructive criticism to offer." I don't rule out the possibility, but if perchance it does occur, it is certainly not at all a common thing.
So, I like praise. I have no trouble admitting that because I'm not the only one. I don't buy that. I write for my own amusement. I make my writing public because I feel like someone else somewhere might enjoy it, might get something out of it. I don't pretend that everyone's going to like it. That in itself doesn't bother me. In the end, after all, I'm not writing for any of those people. I'm not writing for the fandom. I'm not even sure if I would say that I write for the characters. But regardless of whom it is I write for, I feel that, if my writing can reach someone, touch their heart or make them smile or even, God forbid, wipe away a tear -- that chance is worth making my stories public for, even knowing the risk that my writing might not be well-received.
I know this might be an incredibly weird thing to say, but I hate my own writing. I have very, very little respect for myself as a writer. I always start off with these great ideas, but actually making them into a reality on paper is a lot more difficult than it sounds. There are so many mental roadblocks that the end result is always radically different from the way I pictured it in my head. You might argue that this is not necessarily a bad thing, but for reasons even I'm not sure I can explain, it makes me feel like I failed a mission. Incidentally, I feel the exact same way about web design and about most of my visual art.
I can remember a time before these mental roadblocks got in the way. I would write or draw all day long. Nothing could stop me. I don't know when it happened, but I can venture at least one guess as to why it happened -- because I learned the difference between "good" and "bad". Good and bad writing, good and bad art, good and bad design... When you choose to engage in creative acts, at some point, in some fashion, you are forced to choose between one of two paths. You can choose the path of personal expression and enjoyment, without regard for "good" or "bad". Or, you can choose to try to pursue "good" and avoid "bad", and in this perilous engagement with conventions and standards, quite possibly sacrifice personal enjoyment. I'm sure there are people who can successfully reconcile the two, and those are the BNFs and the authors on the New York Times bestseller list.
But I'm not one of those people. I can't reconcile the two, not yet. Since writing is a hobby and not my profession, if I have to choose, I choose the former over the latter. I realize that this may alienate a lot of readers. That is fine. It's true, too, that a lot of the authors and artists I admire are ones who chose the path of personal expression/enjoyment, and in the end (often post-humously) society conformed its standards of "good" and "bad" to those people. But I'm not going to pretend I have that level of talent. I don't expect anyone to conform their conventions to include me. Just because I choose the path of personal expression/enjoyment doesn't mean I'm unaware of how egregiously bad most of my writing is -- Hell, I can probably pick out more flaws in my stories than my average reader can. If I reread a fic right after I finish it, the entire time, I sit there going, "I don't buy that plot twist", "That's an awful clichéd phrase", etc. (which is why I usually don't reread my writing right after I finish it). A recent trend in yuletide and a few other places is to annotate your fics and add in DVD-style commentaries. I don't plan on doing one anytime in the near future (certainly not for the Yuletide fic; I realize, now, that perhaps that fic should never have been written but for the fact that my recipient does seem to have genuinely enjoyed it) but if I did, you'd be surprised. Almost every paragraph would be followed by comments like, "This was a terrible way of phrasing things but it was the only thing I could think of," and things of that nature. I really have almost no respect for my own work.
So yes, I admit to being a bad writer. As far as fanfiction goes, I really do get this paranoid feeling that the good writers and BNFs are all over there in a corner laughing at me and how bad my writing is, and wondering to themselves when I'm actually going to realize it and give up. But I am trying to get better. I am trying to get closer to reconciling the path of "good" and "bad" with that of personal expression and enjoyment, little by little, one fic at a time. I realize I probably still have a long, long way to go, but that's fine. It's a growth thing. I don't think I'll ever join those good writers and BNFs I'm so afraid of, but I do hope that one day I can reach the level where I can write without that paranoid feeling. That alone is worth continuing to try for. In the meantime, I guess I'm a masochist praise helps. Since I hate my writing, it is good to know that there are at least a few other people out there who don't. If everybody hated it, and I hate it, I would not be able to continue trying. Simple as that.
(On a side note, this makes writing gift fics very difficult for me, and is part of the reason why I'm not sure I'll ever do it again. Fic exchanges for things like yuletide are different because generally you don't know the other person, so to some extent you aren't obligated to be too concerned with their preferences and opinions. At any rate, half the time you don't know their preferences and opinions, so you have a lot more freedom to write what you feel like. But writing gift fics for people on my flist turned out to be quite different. Because I know and love the people I was writing for, and what they like, etc., I felt more obligated to reconcile the path of "good" and "bad", and it turned out to be more creatively inhibiting for me than anything else.)
So how do criticism and concrit fit into all of this? Because it's also true that despite the fact that I don't write for the benefit of my readers, I cannot callously disregard criticism. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm the kind of person who gets emotionally involved in all that I do; I pour a bit of my heart and soul into everything. So when someone posts even the slightest hint of criticism, I feel it like a very painful stab right here in my chest. I'd even go so far as to say that, in a way, concrit hurts even more than flames and outright criticism. The latter are easy to disregard because you can usually write off the person's comments altogether because they were probably too close-minded/prejudiced at the outset to truly appreciate your story and give your ideas a chance, or something to that effect. Concrit hurts more because it suggests that you had a nice idea but the outcome is just not good, or it could be better, and since I already have the failed-in-my-mission sentiment even before I make my writing public, that just adds to the agony and sense of failure. It isn't the fact that there are people out there who dislike my writing or aspects of my writing enough to want to be publicly critical of it that bothers me; I know very well that there are always going to be people who don't like it, no matter how good or bad it is. It's the fact that I'm already so keenly aware of all the flaws myself, that them pointing them out all over again just adds to the self-loathing.
So I'm on the fence as to the effectiveness and necessity of concrit. ...Actually, no, I take that back. I think concrit can be very helpful, but there are very few people I've met who are capable of offering concrit that is actually truly helpful. I'm not saying you necessarily have to bathe the person in praise to make up for your criticisms; you do have to trust each other enough to be comfortable being absolutely honest as needed, and to trust the other not to take it too personally when you do so. (I say "too personally" because I think it's impossible to ever not take it personally at all -- for me it is, anyway.) But concrit really isn't very helpful when all you're doing is pointing out the flaws and mistakes -- not in my case, anyway. In my case, there is a 99% chance that I'm already aware of the flaw. The yuletide fic was a perfect example; my beta hit everywhere I already knew was a problem area. My issue there was that in only about half the cases she actually offered hints and suggestions for fixing the problems. The other half was what killed me; if I actually knew how to fix those problems I would've taken care of that the first time around. To me, helpful hints and suggestions are implied by the word "constructive" in concrit, but in a lot of concrit I've been seeing lately (and not just that I have received), the actually useful part is missing.
My other grief with concrit is more of a personal problem; I absolutely dread and loathe revising. This is the main reason why I ultimately decided not to pursue writing as a career, or to major in English or Creative Writing like I'd originally planned. I have this problem with finishing. Once something is done, it's done. In professional writing, the rough draft level of "done" is different from the final draft level of "done", but I have a very hard time distinguishing between the two. It's more of an emotional thing than anything; once I feel that something is finished, even if it's just a rough draft, I, as it were, cut away my heartstrings. I'm still emotionally involved in it, but not on the same level or to the same extent, and for me, that higher level of emotional involvement is necessary for me to feel like I'm adding anything meaningful by revising. This is why I rarely, if ever, go back and edit any of my fics after they're done, and then usually only out of a sense of obligation and not because my heart is really in it. And I don't believe in writing if my heart isn't in it. It just isn't the same. I haven't been able to get around this yet, although I've thought of a few things to try, such as calling on a beta before I ever get to that "done" stage. Might be a bit confusing for the beta, but could in the end be much better for the story.
One of the things that bothers me most, though, is concrit that I feel is truly useless, no matter when or how it is presented. In the end, plotholes will be plotholes, mischaracterizations will be mischaracterizations, and flaws of that nature probably should be pointed out for the sake of the betterment of both the writing and the writer, whether they are accompanied by truly helpful suggestions or not. But the most useless concrit I feel is that concerning style. This, incidentally, happens to comprise the majority of the criticism/concrit I receive from reviewers (not betas).
Professional writers may disagree, but I believe that style is the one aspect of writing that is completely personal. That doesn't mean that I believe that it is subjective; I do believe that there is good style and there is bad style. I believe that 80% of the fanfiction I've read in my life has bad style. But I do believe that it is the one thing that concrit cannot and will not help. Okay, a change of word choice here and there might help improve the flow a bit, but in the end, style is a personal thing. When someone says "I don't like your style" (in one of its various guises; it is rarely said quite that bluntly but the message is the same), in my opinion, the only appropriate response is, "Then don't read my writing."
Again, that's not to say that I think my style is great. In fact, I'm quite willing to admit I think it rather sucks. But to me, the style -- the way the author chooses to craft the story -- is, in the end, what makes that story what it is. Someone else might have the same ideas but they will never say it quite the same way. This is a stupid analogy, but it's dinnertime and I can't think of anything else off the top of my head -- but I think it's kind of like eating pasta with someone's homemade sauce. You can eat pasta almost anywhere; that sauce is what makes it unique. But if you don't like the way it tastes, why eat the entire dish anyway? (You can insert a snarky comment about being hungry or about being polite to the cook, but to me that's not relevant here.) There is good style and there is bad style, but the road to get from bad to good is a personal journey -- because how else can you distinguish your writing from anyone else's but through style?
I think my style definitely needs improvement. I realize I tend toward flowery language and arguably overly poetic prose (although I think it is not nearly as bad as some of the overglossed and pretentious prose I've read before... *shudder*) and that that may alienate some readers. But I also adapt my style to the dynamic of the pairing I'm writing. My Conrad/Yuuri is romantic-poetic, my Seishirou/Subaru is poetic but in a more metaphorical and borderline philosophical sense, my Asami/Akihito is crude and full of cuss words, and various shades in between. I write what that pairing "feels" like to me. I realize that my method isn't always the best answer, but I'm still playing around with it, too.
I just love language, and more than that, bending and twisting the rules, pushing and sometimes breaking grammar conventions as it suits me, throwing in exciting punctuation as I see fit. Playing with words is one of the greatest joys there is. Sometimes I seriously giggle out loud while I toy with alliteration, and if I think of a particularly clever metaphor, even though it may not always be the most effective way to convey an idea, I'll probably put it in. That goes back to me choosing the path of personal expression/enjoyment over that of "good" and "bad". If I didn't allow myself that kind of freedom, I probably wouldn't have such a strong passion for writing. Again, I realize that this might alienate some readers. Some people prefer straight-up prose that just says it how it is. Fine. Maybe the stylistic path I chose wasn't the most effective one, but it was the one I chose, and this is the one thing where I can't tolerate anyone arguing with me. Take it or leave it. If you don't like the style, just don't read it. Leave me to figure out the best solution on my own.
At this point I'm starting to lose my train of thought so I guess I'll wrap up here. If anyone's actually read this far, thank you! You deserve cookies. I'd write you fic, but we've already seen how that's a bit of a problem. ;/ OH, but if you're going to comment, please don't think this is one of those "tell me what a good writer I am because I have no self-esteem!!!11!!1!" type of posts because then you'd be taking it out of context. My self-loathing and lack of self-respect in regard to my writing will probably continue regardless of how much or how little praise I receive. It's not about the compliments, or lack thereof. It's just me and my... complex. Self-respect. And the fact that I hold myself to very, very high standards. Especially since my mother is still convinced that I am going to be the next J.K. Rowling (a comparison I'm not too thrilled about, but I suppose it can't be helped, given that I got my start in fantasy writing). Some days I do wonder if I'm not unduly harsh on myself, but at least it keeps me aiming to improve. At any rate, it won't go away until I get to a point where I can tolerate my own writing. That probably won't be for a while yet, but I'm okay with that. It's a growth thing. If anything, I expect more blatant honesty from you guys than I do from anyone else. You're the only ones I could take it from. ♥
Holy shit, this took me almost four hours to write~ D8;
I can die happy now. *g*
---
tarigwaemir made me aware that there has been some recent discussion regarding concrit. I was going to keep my mouth shut, but a comment on my most recent work got me thinking and I decided to throw in my two cents.
First and foremost, I will say that, ultimately, the one and only reason why I write is for my own amusement. I don't feel like I have anything particularly meaningful or constructive to "offer" fandom -- I've never been that pretentious. I simply love words, and I love people/characters, and I love love, and putting those three things together is one of the most enjoyable ways I've found to pass the time. I've been doing it nearly all my life. Way before I ever started on fanfiction, I was writing stories. At nine years old, I started writing my own multi-chapter epics -- original fiction. I wasn't even fluent in English yet, but that didn't stop me from writing anyway. (Thankfully, I had a good editor -- my mother.) Once I had a teacher who taught me that there was nothing wrong with writing about fantasy worlds, the words never stopped flowing. Even the language barrier didn't stop me.
But just because I write for myself rather than for my readers, doesn't mean that I don't like praise. I'll be the first to admit that I love praise. If I didn't, I wouldn't make my writing public. There are apparently some people out there who seem to think that admitting to preferring praise over concrit is OMGBLASPHEMY because it's arrogant and pretentious and I-don't-even-know-what-else. But I feel that it's even more pretentious to pretend that you make your writing public for any other reason except to seek praise (unless, perhaps, you're one of those people who actually believes they have something BIG to offer fandom, but that's really just another kind of pretentiousness). I've never seen anyone who's published a fic and added as a note, "Don't comment unless you have constructive criticism to offer." I don't rule out the possibility, but if perchance it does occur, it is certainly not at all a common thing.
So, I like praise. I have no trouble admitting that because I'm not the only one. I don't buy that. I write for my own amusement. I make my writing public because I feel like someone else somewhere might enjoy it, might get something out of it. I don't pretend that everyone's going to like it. That in itself doesn't bother me. In the end, after all, I'm not writing for any of those people. I'm not writing for the fandom. I'm not even sure if I would say that I write for the characters. But regardless of whom it is I write for, I feel that, if my writing can reach someone, touch their heart or make them smile or even, God forbid, wipe away a tear -- that chance is worth making my stories public for, even knowing the risk that my writing might not be well-received.
I know this might be an incredibly weird thing to say, but I hate my own writing. I have very, very little respect for myself as a writer. I always start off with these great ideas, but actually making them into a reality on paper is a lot more difficult than it sounds. There are so many mental roadblocks that the end result is always radically different from the way I pictured it in my head. You might argue that this is not necessarily a bad thing, but for reasons even I'm not sure I can explain, it makes me feel like I failed a mission. Incidentally, I feel the exact same way about web design and about most of my visual art.
I can remember a time before these mental roadblocks got in the way. I would write or draw all day long. Nothing could stop me. I don't know when it happened, but I can venture at least one guess as to why it happened -- because I learned the difference between "good" and "bad". Good and bad writing, good and bad art, good and bad design... When you choose to engage in creative acts, at some point, in some fashion, you are forced to choose between one of two paths. You can choose the path of personal expression and enjoyment, without regard for "good" or "bad". Or, you can choose to try to pursue "good" and avoid "bad", and in this perilous engagement with conventions and standards, quite possibly sacrifice personal enjoyment. I'm sure there are people who can successfully reconcile the two, and those are the BNFs and the authors on the New York Times bestseller list.
But I'm not one of those people. I can't reconcile the two, not yet. Since writing is a hobby and not my profession, if I have to choose, I choose the former over the latter. I realize that this may alienate a lot of readers. That is fine. It's true, too, that a lot of the authors and artists I admire are ones who chose the path of personal expression/enjoyment, and in the end (often post-humously) society conformed its standards of "good" and "bad" to those people. But I'm not going to pretend I have that level of talent. I don't expect anyone to conform their conventions to include me. Just because I choose the path of personal expression/enjoyment doesn't mean I'm unaware of how egregiously bad most of my writing is -- Hell, I can probably pick out more flaws in my stories than my average reader can. If I reread a fic right after I finish it, the entire time, I sit there going, "I don't buy that plot twist", "That's an awful clichéd phrase", etc. (which is why I usually don't reread my writing right after I finish it). A recent trend in yuletide and a few other places is to annotate your fics and add in DVD-style commentaries. I don't plan on doing one anytime in the near future (certainly not for the Yuletide fic; I realize, now, that perhaps that fic should never have been written but for the fact that my recipient does seem to have genuinely enjoyed it) but if I did, you'd be surprised. Almost every paragraph would be followed by comments like, "This was a terrible way of phrasing things but it was the only thing I could think of," and things of that nature. I really have almost no respect for my own work.
So yes, I admit to being a bad writer. As far as fanfiction goes, I really do get this paranoid feeling that the good writers and BNFs are all over there in a corner laughing at me and how bad my writing is, and wondering to themselves when I'm actually going to realize it and give up. But I am trying to get better. I am trying to get closer to reconciling the path of "good" and "bad" with that of personal expression and enjoyment, little by little, one fic at a time. I realize I probably still have a long, long way to go, but that's fine. It's a growth thing. I don't think I'll ever join those good writers and BNFs I'm so afraid of, but I do hope that one day I can reach the level where I can write without that paranoid feeling. That alone is worth continuing to try for. In the meantime, I guess I'm a masochist praise helps. Since I hate my writing, it is good to know that there are at least a few other people out there who don't. If everybody hated it, and I hate it, I would not be able to continue trying. Simple as that.
(On a side note, this makes writing gift fics very difficult for me, and is part of the reason why I'm not sure I'll ever do it again. Fic exchanges for things like yuletide are different because generally you don't know the other person, so to some extent you aren't obligated to be too concerned with their preferences and opinions. At any rate, half the time you don't know their preferences and opinions, so you have a lot more freedom to write what you feel like. But writing gift fics for people on my flist turned out to be quite different. Because I know and love the people I was writing for, and what they like, etc., I felt more obligated to reconcile the path of "good" and "bad", and it turned out to be more creatively inhibiting for me than anything else.)
So how do criticism and concrit fit into all of this? Because it's also true that despite the fact that I don't write for the benefit of my readers, I cannot callously disregard criticism. In fact, it's quite the opposite. I'm the kind of person who gets emotionally involved in all that I do; I pour a bit of my heart and soul into everything. So when someone posts even the slightest hint of criticism, I feel it like a very painful stab right here in my chest. I'd even go so far as to say that, in a way, concrit hurts even more than flames and outright criticism. The latter are easy to disregard because you can usually write off the person's comments altogether because they were probably too close-minded/prejudiced at the outset to truly appreciate your story and give your ideas a chance, or something to that effect. Concrit hurts more because it suggests that you had a nice idea but the outcome is just not good, or it could be better, and since I already have the failed-in-my-mission sentiment even before I make my writing public, that just adds to the agony and sense of failure. It isn't the fact that there are people out there who dislike my writing or aspects of my writing enough to want to be publicly critical of it that bothers me; I know very well that there are always going to be people who don't like it, no matter how good or bad it is. It's the fact that I'm already so keenly aware of all the flaws myself, that them pointing them out all over again just adds to the self-loathing.
So I'm on the fence as to the effectiveness and necessity of concrit. ...Actually, no, I take that back. I think concrit can be very helpful, but there are very few people I've met who are capable of offering concrit that is actually truly helpful. I'm not saying you necessarily have to bathe the person in praise to make up for your criticisms; you do have to trust each other enough to be comfortable being absolutely honest as needed, and to trust the other not to take it too personally when you do so. (I say "too personally" because I think it's impossible to ever not take it personally at all -- for me it is, anyway.) But concrit really isn't very helpful when all you're doing is pointing out the flaws and mistakes -- not in my case, anyway. In my case, there is a 99% chance that I'm already aware of the flaw. The yuletide fic was a perfect example; my beta hit everywhere I already knew was a problem area. My issue there was that in only about half the cases she actually offered hints and suggestions for fixing the problems. The other half was what killed me; if I actually knew how to fix those problems I would've taken care of that the first time around. To me, helpful hints and suggestions are implied by the word "constructive" in concrit, but in a lot of concrit I've been seeing lately (and not just that I have received), the actually useful part is missing.
My other grief with concrit is more of a personal problem; I absolutely dread and loathe revising. This is the main reason why I ultimately decided not to pursue writing as a career, or to major in English or Creative Writing like I'd originally planned. I have this problem with finishing. Once something is done, it's done. In professional writing, the rough draft level of "done" is different from the final draft level of "done", but I have a very hard time distinguishing between the two. It's more of an emotional thing than anything; once I feel that something is finished, even if it's just a rough draft, I, as it were, cut away my heartstrings. I'm still emotionally involved in it, but not on the same level or to the same extent, and for me, that higher level of emotional involvement is necessary for me to feel like I'm adding anything meaningful by revising. This is why I rarely, if ever, go back and edit any of my fics after they're done, and then usually only out of a sense of obligation and not because my heart is really in it. And I don't believe in writing if my heart isn't in it. It just isn't the same. I haven't been able to get around this yet, although I've thought of a few things to try, such as calling on a beta before I ever get to that "done" stage. Might be a bit confusing for the beta, but could in the end be much better for the story.
One of the things that bothers me most, though, is concrit that I feel is truly useless, no matter when or how it is presented. In the end, plotholes will be plotholes, mischaracterizations will be mischaracterizations, and flaws of that nature probably should be pointed out for the sake of the betterment of both the writing and the writer, whether they are accompanied by truly helpful suggestions or not. But the most useless concrit I feel is that concerning style. This, incidentally, happens to comprise the majority of the criticism/concrit I receive from reviewers (not betas).
Professional writers may disagree, but I believe that style is the one aspect of writing that is completely personal. That doesn't mean that I believe that it is subjective; I do believe that there is good style and there is bad style. I believe that 80% of the fanfiction I've read in my life has bad style. But I do believe that it is the one thing that concrit cannot and will not help. Okay, a change of word choice here and there might help improve the flow a bit, but in the end, style is a personal thing. When someone says "I don't like your style" (in one of its various guises; it is rarely said quite that bluntly but the message is the same), in my opinion, the only appropriate response is, "Then don't read my writing."
Again, that's not to say that I think my style is great. In fact, I'm quite willing to admit I think it rather sucks. But to me, the style -- the way the author chooses to craft the story -- is, in the end, what makes that story what it is. Someone else might have the same ideas but they will never say it quite the same way. This is a stupid analogy, but it's dinnertime and I can't think of anything else off the top of my head -- but I think it's kind of like eating pasta with someone's homemade sauce. You can eat pasta almost anywhere; that sauce is what makes it unique. But if you don't like the way it tastes, why eat the entire dish anyway? (You can insert a snarky comment about being hungry or about being polite to the cook, but to me that's not relevant here.) There is good style and there is bad style, but the road to get from bad to good is a personal journey -- because how else can you distinguish your writing from anyone else's but through style?
I think my style definitely needs improvement. I realize I tend toward flowery language and arguably overly poetic prose (although I think it is not nearly as bad as some of the overglossed and pretentious prose I've read before... *shudder*) and that that may alienate some readers. But I also adapt my style to the dynamic of the pairing I'm writing. My Conrad/Yuuri is romantic-poetic, my Seishirou/Subaru is poetic but in a more metaphorical and borderline philosophical sense, my Asami/Akihito is crude and full of cuss words, and various shades in between. I write what that pairing "feels" like to me. I realize that my method isn't always the best answer, but I'm still playing around with it, too.
I just love language, and more than that, bending and twisting the rules, pushing and sometimes breaking grammar conventions as it suits me, throwing in exciting punctuation as I see fit. Playing with words is one of the greatest joys there is. Sometimes I seriously giggle out loud while I toy with alliteration, and if I think of a particularly clever metaphor, even though it may not always be the most effective way to convey an idea, I'll probably put it in. That goes back to me choosing the path of personal expression/enjoyment over that of "good" and "bad". If I didn't allow myself that kind of freedom, I probably wouldn't have such a strong passion for writing. Again, I realize that this might alienate some readers. Some people prefer straight-up prose that just says it how it is. Fine. Maybe the stylistic path I chose wasn't the most effective one, but it was the one I chose, and this is the one thing where I can't tolerate anyone arguing with me. Take it or leave it. If you don't like the style, just don't read it. Leave me to figure out the best solution on my own.
At this point I'm starting to lose my train of thought so I guess I'll wrap up here. If anyone's actually read this far, thank you! You deserve cookies. I'd write you fic, but we've already seen how that's a bit of a problem. ;/ OH, but if you're going to comment, please don't think this is one of those "tell me what a good writer I am because I have no self-esteem!!!11!!1!" type of posts because then you'd be taking it out of context. My self-loathing and lack of self-respect in regard to my writing will probably continue regardless of how much or how little praise I receive. It's not about the compliments, or lack thereof. It's just me and my... complex. Self-respect. And the fact that I hold myself to very, very high standards. Especially since my mother is still convinced that I am going to be the next J.K. Rowling (a comparison I'm not too thrilled about, but I suppose it can't be helped, given that I got my start in fantasy writing). Some days I do wonder if I'm not unduly harsh on myself, but at least it keeps me aiming to improve. At any rate, it won't go away until I get to a point where I can tolerate my own writing. That probably won't be for a while yet, but I'm okay with that. It's a growth thing. If anything, I expect more blatant honesty from you guys than I do from anyone else. You're the only ones I could take it from. ♥
Holy shit, this took me almost four hours to write~ D8;