(no subject)
Regret?
If someone were to ask me if I was ever close w/ my older sister, I honestly would say "yes." We didn't as kids. I, in a way, idolized her because she was older, less shy than I was, and certainly more confident (even if I found the stuff she liked to be lame, such as the New Kids on the Block, but I didn't know much else when I was 4 or 5). I used to always want to be with her and her friends. But she would always shun me. She would always find a way to make me feel like crap for being the younger brother, already adding to the humiliation and sadness of never fitting in with the few friends I did have, and being an outcast in school. It's one thing to be an outcast during your time at school, but there's something more painful about not being accepted by your own sister.
Though as we got older, we both matured and we started to get along more, and then the situation with my dad's alcoholism and my mom's subsequent mental decline reached a series of crests and waves. That brought us closer together to some extent. We talked a lot, and saw her as much as I could (since she went to school in Manhattan, and I was still in Stratford). It wasn't perfect since we'd still fight every now and then, but it was more or less ideal as far as sibling relations go.
So what happened? How come we're at a point where we are no longer speaking? I can't say for sure. I can point fingers, make accusations, or even blame myself, but there's no point in doing that. I will say that she definitely inherited my mom's distorted sense of age-related empiricism (where age reign supreme when it comes to knowledge), and this would lead to her defending mom after the last few years and I should listen to her because she's older and my mother. But I don't think I can use that as a reason why we don't speak anymore. I think ultimately, we just don't understand each other anymore. I don't know why. I don't know when this shift of perception and understanding took place. All I know is that I'm pretty sad over this, and it's a shame that she's not in my life when I'm at perhaps my most subtle.
Ironically, today's her 26th birthday. I hope she has a good one.
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Genetics Aren't a Crock of Shit After All
I took my last drug test on Friday. I drank a beer and smoked some pot. Big mistake. It didn't help that beforehand I felt really panicky, tense and anxious. Drinking and smoking alleviated those emotions for a few hours, but afterwards I felt worse than I did earlier. I also felt worse that I broke 3 months of being sober just for the hell of it.
And now I have a cold. Probably unrelated to this, but still... probably from the lack of sleep I've been getting.
If someone were to ask me if I was ever close w/ my older sister, I honestly would say "yes." We didn't as kids. I, in a way, idolized her because she was older, less shy than I was, and certainly more confident (even if I found the stuff she liked to be lame, such as the New Kids on the Block, but I didn't know much else when I was 4 or 5). I used to always want to be with her and her friends. But she would always shun me. She would always find a way to make me feel like crap for being the younger brother, already adding to the humiliation and sadness of never fitting in with the few friends I did have, and being an outcast in school. It's one thing to be an outcast during your time at school, but there's something more painful about not being accepted by your own sister.
Though as we got older, we both matured and we started to get along more, and then the situation with my dad's alcoholism and my mom's subsequent mental decline reached a series of crests and waves. That brought us closer together to some extent. We talked a lot, and saw her as much as I could (since she went to school in Manhattan, and I was still in Stratford). It wasn't perfect since we'd still fight every now and then, but it was more or less ideal as far as sibling relations go.
So what happened? How come we're at a point where we are no longer speaking? I can't say for sure. I can point fingers, make accusations, or even blame myself, but there's no point in doing that. I will say that she definitely inherited my mom's distorted sense of age-related empiricism (where age reign supreme when it comes to knowledge), and this would lead to her defending mom after the last few years and I should listen to her because she's older and my mother. But I don't think I can use that as a reason why we don't speak anymore. I think ultimately, we just don't understand each other anymore. I don't know why. I don't know when this shift of perception and understanding took place. All I know is that I'm pretty sad over this, and it's a shame that she's not in my life when I'm at perhaps my most subtle.
Ironically, today's her 26th birthday. I hope she has a good one.
_________________________________________________________________
Genetics Aren't a Crock of Shit After All
I took my last drug test on Friday. I drank a beer and smoked some pot. Big mistake. It didn't help that beforehand I felt really panicky, tense and anxious. Drinking and smoking alleviated those emotions for a few hours, but afterwards I felt worse than I did earlier. I also felt worse that I broke 3 months of being sober just for the hell of it.
And now I have a cold. Probably unrelated to this, but still... probably from the lack of sleep I've been getting.